Melrapuo Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I'm gonna try to explain my situation in as much detail as possible, so please bear with me. My current ex (19) and I (22) had been officially going out since January, but we had been hooking up for about two months beforehand. Our relationship has been very rocky, but it was also good. We have had a few problems that have obviously upset her. - Sex took a long time to happen. It took me about 12-13 attempts before I could finally maintain an erection. It wasn't because I wasn't attracted to her (I was if I continuously made attempts, even though it hurt my self-esteem.) But her reaction was just awful. At one point, she drunkenly decided to announce to a small group of our friends that I couldn't get it up, and its probably because there's something wrong with her. I had eventually gone to the doctor to get things checked out (after telling her to knock that **** off about talking to other people about our sex life) and we had sex twice. Cialis helps. lol - She claims that I wasn't affectionate enough (i.e. hugs, kissing, snuggling). Granted, yea sometimes I didn't wanna do this, and maybe I didn't do it enough. But when you're with someone who you can't tell if she's mad or not at you, it makes you second guess a hug or a kiss. - We would have a fight every three weeks. And it was over these two issues. We had been close to breaking up before, but it was for other reasons. She believed that I was only dating her because I'm hurt from my past ex (this is not true. I don't rebound like that, and it had been half a year since my other ex left me for someone else). She has told me that she doesn't love her ex anymore, but still cares about him and feared that it would bother me (Told her it did but I was ok with it as long as she proved she was there to be with me and not him). - There's honestly more, but I can't remember it all. So here's the deal aroound the break up. Last weekend she had invited me over her family's house for dinner and dessert. I told her I had to see my grandmother (she's not doing well, might not make it past this year) and that I'd go over her house at night. She was ok with this. However, later that night I got slammed with the stomach flu (vomiting and diarrhea), and I told her that I'd have to skip out because I didn't wanna get her or her family sick, and I didn't feel comfortable having those symptoms in a stranger's house. She suddenly went from friendly to annoyed and short with our conversations. I apologized twice, but got nothing in return. The next day I decided to hang out with her just to prove to her that I was sick. She obviously noticed and started acting nice with me again. The following day (Tuesday) I told her I was getting sicker again and she recommended that I stay home. Wednesday we had a fight where I got angry at her for calling me retarded during a conversation (normally I wouldn't care, but she has done this so many times to me that I just snapped). That night I was distant to her, but when we were going home I apologized yet again, asked her if she was mad or if anything was wrong. She said no, but she was very quiet. Thursday we hung out, but she was kinda distant still, and usually when she's mad I figure to back off a bit so she can calm down, and when she's better she'll come up to me and let me know that she's ok. I couldn't tell with her that night though, but I left it at that. I kissed her and said goodnight, I love you. She let out a long sigh and quietly said "I love you too" Now we get into the break-up. Friday I'm on facebook (which has its own chat section where you can talk to friends live) and I had asked how she was. She seemed ok. I asked her if she wanted to meet my family (finally) or if she wanted me to go over her house so I can actually get a chance to talk to her mom. She then told me that she felt our relationship wasn't progressing, and that things weren't as good as she had hoped. I finally agreed with her that some parts of the relationship could be improved on. She said that I was "perfect, but not perfect for her" and that she didn't know what to do. Instead of me begging and pleading, like I did in my last relationship (and got nothing from it), I told her to let me know what she wanted to do. This left her with two options - work on things, or end it. She said she wanted to be single, that things weren't working. I told her that I was ok and understood her decision, said that we couldn't be friends (we had talked about this before, and I explained to her that if we had every broken up that we couldn't be friends. It's just how I do things). So I said goodbye, wished her best, and signed off. Then I deleted her off my facebook, got rid of all the pictures of her I had on the site, along with things that I owned from her, and trashed it all. What can I say, I was heartbroken. However, I got the picture when she said she wanted to be single, and I wasn't about to beg and pleead when the most adult and mature thing to do is to just force yourself to move on. I've been a wreck since, but I've been trying my best to hold my head high. I hadn't talked to her since Friday. Until she decided to text me last night... I received this "Can I ask you a question or are you just gonna ignore this text." I was in the shower, so I wasn't near my phone to get this text. Then I received this text - "Yea thats what I thought glad you already moved on" Are you kidding me? I figured, **** it, let her ask me the question. [Now I know what all of you are thinking. "Mel, you fell right for her trap." And I knew this the moment I sent a text back asking her what her question was. I received a "Forget it."] After which, I told her "fine, there's no reason for you to be angry with me so I don't know why you're so mad." The argument went on about her thinking that I though the relationship was fine and that i was pretending, never kissing her, hugging her. That I made her feel unwanted and dumb. I'll be honest - sometimes I didn't wanna be all lovey up to her, because I didn't think it was such a big deal. That and, like I said, she always seems pissed at me, so trying to hug a pissed off person can only make them more pissed. I said "if you truly believe that I didn't love you or cared for you, then we shouldn't have this conversation anymore." Instead of taking the obvious way out, she said that I had a funny way of showing it. She claimed that the way I acted made her feel gross, and even said that i can't even get it up without boner pills. (This line pissed me off to no end). She was also said I made it pretty obvious that I wasn't interested when I just agreed with what I said and disappeared. (WTF else am I supposed to do? She said she wanted to be single, there's nothing more I could do from that point.) She's also said I was playing the victim card and pretty much blaming everything that failed on me. Ugh... I said that texting wasn't working, and that we should either talk over the phone or face-to-face. She said she was too sick to do that. This did make me angry, because I told her that she could text me all night but not talk to my face or meet up, that it was wasting my time. she still said she couldn't so i just left it with a goodnight danielle and went to sleep. Some of my friends are telling me that the two of us are just being immature and that we should just try and fix things. Others are saying that she's playing mindgames. I honestly don't know what to do other than NC. Any advice? I'll admit, despite all the crap, that I still wanna work things out with her. But I'm hestitant.
letters Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I think she wants to be assured of your love. I'm a woman and we women want to be needed/wanted---and you can't show a woman you want need her when you agree to a break-up so easily. I think you should reach out to her, if you are not the huggy type, at least hold her hand when you say you love her, explain how you feel when she talks indiscriminately about your sex life...just do your part and give her a second chance. Good luck.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I've reached out before, and we have argued over the lack of affection from me too. It's not like the issue hasn't been brought up. What makes me mad is that she made it seem like she was done with me on Friday, and now she's pissed that I'm actually trying to move on with my life. I just don't want to go and try to make amends, only to have her break my heart twice. Part of me thinks I should wait on this, and part of me thinks that if I wait too long it may make things worse. I'm in a confusing spot at the moment.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 Well I told her last night that I understood where she was coming from with me not being affectionate enough, and also said that I'd be willing to try and work on things to make them better. She said she doesn't know what to do, because she's asked me to work on this before and I haven't fixed it. I told her I understood and that I'd promise to work harder again only if she wanted to work on things as well. She said she couldn't think about it now cuz she's PMSing bad and can't think straight, so I let her go to bed and said goodnight. She actually called me "baby" last night for the first time in a week but since actions speak louder than words I'm not gonna look too much into it. I'm really hoping that things work out here. I understand that they might not and that I'll have to move on like I was trying before. Can only hope for the best.
TheJoker Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 I think she wants to be assured of your love. I'm a woman and we women want to be needed/wanted---and you can't show a woman you want need her when you agree to a break-up so easily. I think you should reach out to her, if you are not the huggy type, at least hold her hand when you say you love her, explain how you feel when she talks indiscriminately about your sex life...just do your part and give her a second chance. Good luck. This is 100% true, only thing I would say is you do not want to be over the top with it. If a women thinks she has you in her pocket then it can cause a lot of problems
Author Melrapuo Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 This is 100% true, only thing I would say is you do not want to be over the top with it. If a women thinks she has you in her pocket then it can cause a lot of problems Yea I reached out to her, but I'm not begging or pleading. Granted, yea I do want to try again. I used a lot of "we" and not a lot of "I" so I don't reinforce her idea that its all my fault. I wanna bring up things that have annoyed me about the relationship, but the current situation is delicate so I'm not gonna do anything that resembles fingerpointing. Nothing can be accomplished from it right now. But I'm not gonna be up her ass about it. She's told me that she's scared things will just end up the way they are now again. She's asking for time to think cuz she can't make a decision right now (claiming its PMS). I believe her, so I've backed off and haven't spoken to her since she said goodnight to me last night. (Yes, I said G'night back ) I figure two positive things can come out of this: A - We try again to work things out. B - We stay apart, but at least I learn to calm down and know that I can survive even without her, or anyone for that matter. I guess learning can improve how you handle things in the future.
Sco Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 One thing is clear, it's obvious she doesn't really wanna break up, ortherwise she wouldn't make contact..and play mindgames. As crazy this may sound, that was her immature way of testing you to see how much you care and wanna fight for the relationship. In order word, how much this relationship is worth to you.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 One thing is clear, it's obvious she doesn't really wanna break up, ortherwise she wouldn't make contact..and play mindgames. As crazy this may sound, that was her immature way of testing you to see how much you care and wanna fight for the relationship. In order word, how much this relationship is worth to you. This may be true, but it doesn't necessarily mean that she will decide to get back into the relationship again. However, in the same respect, it doesn't matter how much someone loves the other person - putting them through things like this won't make me beg and plead for her back. It's kinda insulting and immature. I hate games.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 Ugh. Late night phone calls aren't great. Just got one from her today. Wanted me to go to a friend's house that she was at, but was completely drunk when she called me. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to ask if she had made a decision about things, but she said she was "too drunk to function." Don't like this answer, since it means either a. haven't decided yet, or b. too afraid to tell you that its no. I stayed out with some friends instead. I'm gonna go get some sleep.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 Got stuck at a party last night where both of us were attending. Neither of us talked to each other. I think I got my answer from that one. Feeling like crap on easter isn't exactly something I was looking forward to. : (
Author Melrapuo Posted April 12, 2009 Author Posted April 12, 2009 ...and today I get a "happy easter" text from her. Ugh...I must be thinking about this way too much. I'm the only one responding to my thread now lol
the_b Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Hey, I'm kinda in the same situation as you...you're not alone! My ex g/f broke up with me in Jan - she said she didn't love me, i wasn't the guy for her because x,y,z...etc. I asked if we could talk it through but she said her mind was made so i let go...broke contact. Few weeks later, "hi, how are you?" text from her, i reply with i'm fine....few weeks later another "hi" text, this time asking for help (which i offered but then wasn't needed )...few weeks later asks if i want to chat on-line, so i go for it. When we chatted she said she didn't want to know what i'd been up to, that i let her go so easy, that she'd moved on, wanted to be friends... My view is that if someone says they "don't love you" then that's the deal breaker - all other compatibility problems can be fixed if both sides are willing. She doesn't see it like that - she was even trying to get me to admit that i didn't love her ethier Sooo...last time we spoke was about three weeks ago...last week i get a "hi" text from her again saying she's out in the sun and feeling good ( i reply "enjoy") and then i get a "happy easter" text - which i've decided not to respond to (but we'll see...) Upshot - she wants you to chase her, she's seeking attention, likes the thrill of being wanted. No problem - this is fine/fun.....BUT only if you think she is worth it. Look back at your relationship - you had fights with her, she disrespected you in front of your freinds (a BIG NO NO), the fights. If you think she's worth it then take her bait but don't sell yourself short, set boundaries of what behaviour you're willing to accept and STICK to it. Let me know how you get on.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Hey, I'm kinda in the same situation as you...you're not alone! My ex g/f broke up with me in Jan - she said she didn't love me, i wasn't the guy for her because x,y,z...etc. I asked if we could talk it through but she said her mind was made so i let go...broke contact. Few weeks later, "hi, how are you?" text from her, i reply with i'm fine....few weeks later another "hi" text, this time asking for help (which i offered but then wasn't needed )...few weeks later asks if i want to chat on-line, so i go for it. When we chatted she said she didn't want to know what i'd been up to, that i let her go so easy, that she'd moved on, wanted to be friends... My view is that if someone says they "don't love you" then that's the deal breaker - all other compatibility problems can be fixed if both sides are willing. She doesn't see it like that - she was even trying to get me to admit that i didn't love her ethier Sooo...last time we spoke was about three weeks ago...last week i get a "hi" text from her again saying she's out in the sun and feeling good ( i reply "enjoy") and then i get a "happy easter" text - which i've decided not to respond to (but we'll see...) Upshot - she wants you to chase her, she's seeking attention, likes the thrill of being wanted. No problem - this is fine/fun.....BUT only if you think she is worth it. Look back at your relationship - you had fights with her, she disrespected you in front of your freinds (a BIG NO NO), the fights. If you think she's worth it then take her bait but don't sell yourself short, set boundaries of what behaviour you're willing to accept and STICK to it. Let me know how you get on. Yea I'm starting to realize that the only way this relationship could work is if she realizes that she has to respect me more than she is at the moment. That's why I'm keeping contact to a very minimum, and only responding when she texts/initiates contact first. All her other ex's still talk to her, and I think she likes the attention because some want her back and some don't. I always told her to stop talking to them, but she didn't. Maybe that's another red flag. I'm getting angry now though, because its been about 5 days since she said she was gonna wait til her period was over and really think about things. She was two days into it, and from what I remember she only has it for 4 days or so at a time. This is making me wonder if she's avoiding me altogether now, which makes me want this relationship less. Its depressing to know that I'm single again, and I am lacking some motivation to do things. Not nearly as bad as my first break-up, but still.
the_b Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 It does sound to me as though she's some sort of attention queen. Basically she has these ex's about as a kinda fallback - if she's feeling low she can tap into them and make her feel good (sad thing is that it makes them feel bad i reckon). Pretty selfish and self-centred actions if you ask me. If you want to persue her, do it for the right reasons - really evaluate and decide if this girl is worth putting your pride on the line for. If she's not - then tell her to stop contacting you and move on/start healing. Better to be alone but emotionally healthy than being in a relationship where your feelings are being taken for granted. Ask yourself: is this a healthy relationship, the kind you longed for? Your answer lies in there....
Author Melrapuo Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Well in all honesty I have reevaluated the situation, and yes I do want to pursue this. However, I understand that I have to stop holding in things that have been pissing me off about the relationship (which I rarely if ever voice. We were only together for 3 months, so I'm not 100% sure if it was just the honeymoon phase and now we're realizing what the relationship really was, or if we should just try a little harder. I don't think either of us were putting enough into the relationship, because we can both be paranoid about things and...eh it just ruins the fun.) At the same time, I'm not sure what I should be doing here - if I should continue LC and only respond when she texts me, or if I should push a little more and check in on her every now and then. NC is best for getting over someone, not trying to lure them back to you. So here's my dilemma: She said she needed time to think, and I've been giving it to her, but there is no deadline/ultimatum on when she should make the decision. And giving her one will only put more pressure on her and make things worse. At the same time, if I put any pressure whatsoever on her (i.e. asking if she is still thinking about things and whatnot) that may also push her even further away. So what should I do? Let her come to me, or try every now and then to talk to her. I already made it clear last wednesday that I think we should try again, and she said she needed to think about it/get over her period to be able to think clearer. I'm sure her period is over, which is why I'm wondering if she's just afraid to tell me no. Maybe I should talk to her friends about it... Such a weird position to be in.
the_b Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Well, however you handle contacting her, make sure you don't get dragged into a looooong period of 'you text...then she texts...' but nothing is actually resolved because this will screw up your head. Be open, but set your boundaries clearly. If your gut says that she's being wishy-washy, not making any real commitment then let it go ASAP. Just don't get caught up in the torture of hanging-on in hope she'll change - you'll get damaged in the end. Good luck.
Author Melrapuo Posted April 14, 2009 Author Posted April 14, 2009 Well after a long amount of time trying to reconsider things, we've finally decided to try and give it another shot. Who knows what will come of this. I'm content (not extremely happy) because this is good, but not getting too ahead of myself until I feel a bit more confident in things. This is a decent first step, but I have to show her that I can be very affectionate. Not gonna ruin this one again with that. Thank you guys. Wish me luck.
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