alasia Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 i posted a thread on here a couple of wks ago,that explains the history between so please do a search on it if you need some background info. my ex has been so changeable and apparently confused since he ended things 6wks ago. he stayed over on sunday and monday and during that time he said he still loved me and wanted to move back in with me - by the end of the week. i kind of badgered him into saying he would move over the next day, but when it came to it he used every excuse under the sun why he couldnt move over that day. he still says he wants to be with me,but that we have to take it slowly and he hasnt mentioned moving in again. oh, apart from this morning when i asked him if he was still considering it, he said yes but he cant yet as i keep pressuring him into it. another sticking point is his friendship with a woman who i will call b. shes 15yrs older than him and has been a kind of confidante to him, but she admits she has feelings for him and in the last 2 days, has told me i am a living nightmare and should just leave my ex alone, and accused me of forcing my ex into staying over on monday nite - he asked me! i get the impression he may have told her that to keep us both on a string,he says he didnt and will tell her the truth - i know he wont though as he can be unbelievably spineless at times. we have kids so i dont want to go completely nc, but how should i handle the situation - would some kind of ultimatum be unfair? what would you all do?
alphamale Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 - would some kind of ultimatum be unfair? ultimatum almost always backfire
Melrapuo Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 ultimatum almost always backfire Definitely. ultimatum's force the other into an uncomfortable corner that only makes them want to run away more.
LoveLace Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Sounds to me like the "confidant" is the living nightmare, here. For one thing, it shouldn't be HER telling you how HE feels, it should be him. I would be telling him that I'd better not ever hear what she thinks again because I don't base our relationship on what she thinks....unless of course you are asking her opinion, that's the only time it's welcome. However its obvious that he seems to be making you look bad, to her, maybe making things sound worse than they really are...which is completely ignorant...if he cant decide what his feelings are because of the sh*t he's getting from her, then he doesn't have a mind of his own. If he doesn't mind her cutting you down and doesn't stick up for you, even more ignorant. Even if it's true that you have been too pushy, the rest of this ignorance isn't necessary and should also be unacceptable.
Author alasia Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 so what should i say to him? im not great with words, my instinct is to say if he wants to be with me then he has to cut all contact with her, is that too harsh though? that woman is already accusing me of being pushy so wouldnt telling him to drop her fuel her accusations? hes coming over to see the kids tomorrow,what do i say to him about the situation - or should i make it clear im not happy with her pushing her nose into our business but leave it at that,carry on being lighthearted and getting on with him and hope he decides to cut contact with her himself?
LoveLace Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I would just say that I don't want to hear HER opinion, you want to hear his and his only. and say you don't appreciate her being nosy and opinionated because you never asked for it. Then I'd say if he cant make up his mind partially because of her, he shouldn't bother to pack until he can think for himself. That way you are not asking him to de-friend her, you are simply expressing how she's made you feel. And someone that really cares for you, will try to sympathize and do something about it. But I wouldn't expect him to drop her just like that. It sounds like he values her friendship or whatever it is. I'd say if she makes him happier, to go out with her, then.
Author alasia Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 Thats the thing, he gets so tetchy whenever i mention her and says i always accuse him of sleeping with her. i dont always,but i am fairly sure he has more feelings for her than hes letting on - the other day he said meeting her was the bane of his life and that she annoys him by always offering him a lift in her car, yet she knows his new address and he refuses to tell me - he says its none of my business - she picks him up from work most nights, she told me she knows more than i think she does which implies he does tell her everything thats going on, and the other week i - stupidly - threatened her and he rushed to defend her. and yet shes having a go at me through text msgs and all he says is he will have a go at her next time he sees her. he knows her number,surely if he cared he would be straight on the phone to tell her he wants me,not her? he says that to me and says he loves me,his feelings are stronger than i will ever know etc, but im starting to wonder if i should just cut my losses and walk away,it seems like he will always put her before me and im tired of being second best.
sparklemama Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Well your going to have to have limited contact with this man but make it only about the children quick and matter of fact phone calls.When he picks up the kids if you can try to make it so that you have as limited contact as possible and make it only about the children.If he tries to call and get personal and starts asking what are you up to? or how are you?you go about ending the conversation and giving him no answers.The sleepovers are going to have to stop!You have to understand the reason he doesn't want to move back is because right now you are giving him the best of both worlds.When he needs that comfort and affection,that stability that he has with you he can come over and get that but when he wants to run around like a bachelor he can also do that.You have to show him that he said it is over and thats what over is all about.He doesnt know how good he has it because you are still there and as he sees it right now you will always be there in his eyes.He has no hurry.Once he sees that he is losing you that will probably wake him right up.The ultimatums are not good he will just feel like a caged animal and will just end up pushing you farther away.It is awful that his "friend" feels like its her place to speak on his behalf.You quickly let her know that it is not her place nor is it her concern.However dont stress yourself out about her as she is probably getting a whole different story from him than whats the truth.Now its time for you to focus on you and your life right now.Good luck with it all!
D-Lish Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Don't lower yourself to engage in a catfight with this woman. If she wants to talk trash, she can do it on her own - you don't need to fuel it. In all honesty, I am betting he is telling each of you what you want to hear. The worst thing you can do is pressure him. My advice would be to say nothing at all. Engaging this girl in arguments and pushing him to make a decision is going to put a negative spotlight on you. Rise above the BS and start doing things that don't include him. Start doing things with your friends and distance yourself from both of them. If he needs time to think- give him space. The first instinct is to push harder when someone pulls away- but doing the opposite will have better results.
Author alasia Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 ok i have another update..hes just left after having been round to visit the kids. the first thing he said when he got here was that when he saw that woman yesterday on his bus (hes a bus driver and she is one of his passengers), he told her that her behaviour was unacceptable. appparently he said those texts she sent werent very nice, she asked if i had sent them to him and he said no, he had been with me and seen them for himself. he also reckons she tried to speak but he wouldnt let her get a word in - i dont know whether to believe him or not,hes had a go at me like that in the past but i just cant imagine him standing up to her like that. he could be feeding me a load of rubbish again. oh,he also said he didnt think she was the type to send nasty messages like that, he wont speak to her again apart from when he has to on his bus, and then told me he really does want to be with me and the kids and asked to move back in at the weekend. so now what?! part of me wants him to move back in but now im wondering if its too soon - maybe i need a bit of space to work things out now? oh im so confused!
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