Aries77 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Greetings, everyone - My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. He completely did something I hate behind my back. We have discussed this in great detail previously on what my peeves are, and he simply did it anyway without my knowledge. I just 'happened' to discover what he did on my computer. I have expressed my deep hatred for any type of porn, whether that may be on the computer, or in person at a strip club. I am completely against it and he knew that before he did it. What he viewed is this, and I know some (if not most) people will have opinions against me: a variety of You Tube clips of women pulling up their skirts, or hidden camera clips of going up a woman's skirt. I am completely upset about all of this because he has totally disregarded my feelings and wishes. He said that he definitely wouldn't have done that if I was standing there. He said he is sorry, and he'll do anything to help me forget about it. He wants to marry me, have kids, get a house, etc. He has BIG plans for us. I can't believe he would do this to me! How could he?? (guys, your opinions would be MOST appreciated here...) Thanks in advance for your constructive advice, because I feel like I'm stuck in the mud...
blair08 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Well, first off he should have NEVER done that on YOUR computer anyway! Lots of porn threads on here hun...you might want to check some of them out. I've said this before and I'll say it again..you'll get people on here that will tell you how you should or shouldn't feel on the issue of porn. The bottom line is, its how YOU feel about it regardless of what others say. You made it clear how you felt about it, he didn't seem to care, so it might be best to cut him lose if you want any kind of sanity on the issue. More than likely he is NOT going to stop just because you want him too.
The Collector Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Aren't you guilty of disregarding his wishes and feelings by forbidding him to look at porn?
PandorasBox Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Aren't you guilty of disregarding his wishes and feelings by forbidding him to look at porn? Well, of course. That's why two people who have different views on this kind of thing shouldn't be together. It will more than likely never work and this will always be an issue. Thank goodness though, that if I tell a man I "forbid" you to hit me or abuse me in anyway...I mean it, and that's my right....which means if he is going to do that..he can get to steppin' and we're not meant to be anyway.
JackJack Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 She expressed her "deep hatred for it" from the beginning. So, probably what he should have done..was been upfront with her as well, and told her he liked it and would more than likely be viewing it. That way they could have both made a choice early on, to end it or whatever they were going to do. Which they still can, I'm just saying.
Author Aries77 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Aren't you guilty of disregarding his wishes and feelings by forbidding him to look at porn? He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. I think asking him not to look at things like that is OK with him, but he did it behind my back without my knowledge. I'm not a dummy, here, and I have a feeling he is very very sorry, but I don't know how to get past this...
DunnoWhat Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He might have thought it as just being harmless. Thats where the differing opinions come in. Instead of telling him you don't want him to look at porn explain to him why. That its a worthless waste of time and poisons the mind. He sounds serious about the relationship so I'd say he'll have no problem cutting out that. Now I'm off to check something out on youtube.... just joking.
The Collector Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. Oh dear, he sounds worse than you. But you are right, if he says you can't look at other men, you are within your rights to ask him to never look at porn. Not my kind of relationship, but if it mostly works for you, I'd try and get over the upskirt pics and move forward. He sounds like a dick though. Does he slap you much?
JackJack Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. I think asking him not to look at things like that is OK with him, but he did it behind my back without my knowledge. I'm not a dummy, here, and I have a feeling he is very very sorry, but I don't know how to get past this... Let's back the train up shall we.... *HE didn't want you to even talk to or LOOK at any other guys. *He SLAPPED you across the face. *He mocked and yelled at you. "BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET PAST THIS." This goes beyond the whole porn issue. I'll tell you how you get past this...YOU dump him. The man is controlling and abusive..don't hand me this crap about how you feel he is sorry..NO it does NOT seem like it. He tells you what you can and can not do, and then hits you! Do think this will be the only time this happens? If you stay, what's next? Do you want to end up walking on eggshells, afraid to do or say something that might tick him off, and then possibly get "slapped" again. This is not a healthy relationship, and I hope you can look in the mirror and be honest with yourself enough to know this is not a good situation to be in, and that you are worth more than what you're in.
donnamaybe Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. . He slapped you then he forgave YOU?!!!! Get out. NOW! And NEVER - I mean NEVER EVER allow a man, or anyone else, to tell you WHO you can and cannot talk to, and NEVER allow a man to put his hands on you EVER AGAIN!
EnigmasMuse Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. I think asking him not to look at things like that is OK with him, but he did it behind my back without my knowledge. I'm not a dummy, here, and I have a feeling he is very very sorry, but I don't know how to get past this... What? You mean to tell me, he is putting his hands on you like that, and you're still with him? Girl, get some self esteem and respect, and get out of that mess now! That's what that is, is a big mess! Stand up for yourself, don't allow anyone to treat you like that! You deserve better,maybe once you really start to believe that, you'll leave his sorry a$$!
Treasa Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I totally ditto (that sounds dirty) the people telling you to dump him.
Author Aries77 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Oh dear, he sounds worse than you. But you are right, if he says you can't look at other men, you are within your rights to ask him to never look at porn. The issue here is not slapping. Although I will elaborate a bit - he has hit me, he was totally drunk, and so was I and we were in a heated argument. That was like 4 months ago and he has not done it since. We are completely over that. Anyway...from the quote above... He IS worse than me. He looked at these "women" on my computer behind my back, when I asked him not to waaaaay before any of this happened, and he did it anyway. THAT is what makes me so pissed. It doesn't matter if it had to do with porn or flirting or anything else. The fact is that he did it when he clearly KNEW it severely bothered me, even to the point that I would break up with him. He IS sorry, however, but I really really don't believe he knows how much this bothers me. He said that he wouldn't have done it if I was there next to him, yet he says he didn't know it bothered me to that extent. The point is...I can't seem to get past this. It's just too hard. I DO want to get past it. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Thanks, everyone.
donnamaybe Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 The issue here is not slapping. You may not WANT there to be an issue behind his hitting you, but there is. And it's a HUGE WHITE ELEPHANT that you are choosing to ignore. He is totally abusive and controlling, and you even care about the porn thing? GET OUT!!!
bean1 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Well, even if you don't think the slap is an issue (?!), think of it this way: he can smack you across the face and you won't leave him (an offence that could put him in jail), why should he believe that you would do anything about looking at porn??? You are picking and choose some strange battles here, and he knows it.
EnigmasMuse Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 The issue here is not slapping. Although I will elaborate a bit - he has hit me, he was totally drunk, and so was I and we were in a heated argument. That was like 4 months ago and he has not done it since. We are completely over that. Anyway...from the quote above... He IS worse than me. He looked at these "women" on my computer behind my back, when I asked him not to waaaaay before any of this happened, and he did it anyway. THAT is what makes me so pissed. It doesn't matter if it had to do with porn or flirting or anything else. The fact is that he did it when he clearly KNEW it severely bothered me, even to the point that I would break up with him. He IS sorry, however, but I really really don't believe he knows how much this bothers me. He said that he wouldn't have done it if I was there next to him, yet he says he didn't know it bothered me to that extent. The point is...I can't seem to get past this. It's just too hard. I DO want to get past it. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Thanks, everyone. You're right the issue here is not slapping....its just ONE of many issues it seems. But to ME it IS the main issue. I hope you're not trying to justify his actions. You were already given advice on how to get past it..you can't get past it as long as you're still in it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 The issue here is not slapping. Although I will elaborate a bit - he has hit me, he was totally drunk, and so was I and we were in a heated argument. That was like 4 months ago and he has not done it since. We are completely over that. Anyway...from the quote above... I disagree. The issue IS slapping! You don't hit a woman... even if your so drunk you can't remember your name... Not an excuse! 4 months is a very short amount of time. This guy is not quality. He IS worse than me. He looked at these "women" on my computer behind my back, when I asked him not to waaaaay before any of this happened, and he did it anyway. THAT is what makes me so pissed. It doesn't matter if it had to do with porn or flirting or anything else. The fact is that he did it when he clearly KNEW it severely bothered me, even to the point that I would break up with him. He IS sorry, however, but I really really don't believe he knows how much this bothers me. He said that he wouldn't have done it if I was there next to him, yet he says he didn't know it bothered me to that extent. The point is...I can't seem to get past this. It's just too hard. I DO want to get past it. I just don't know how to go about doing it. Thanks, everyone. He is controlling and abusive on several levels. Why do you want to get past it? If you are available to him... he shouldn't need porn or upskirt videos or whatever. You don't need to get past this... you need to get past HIM! I'm a guy... and I'm telling you that the way you describe his actions... it makes warning bells go off in my head. I know you have feelings for him, but you need to take a step back and think hard about this before you proceed.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 He has disregarded MY wishes VERY early on in our relationship when he forbid me to talk to, let alone LOOK at any other guy in a bar. He got EXTREMELY upset, even slapped me across the face...no lie. He mocked me and yelled at me. I said it would never happen again, and he forgave me. I think asking him not to look at things like that is OK with him, but he did it behind my back without my knowledge. I'm not a dummy, here, and I have a feeling he is very very sorry, but I don't know how to get past this... I agree with the others -- of the various issues here, the one you should REALLY have trouble "getting past" is him hitting you. It's wonderful that he hasn't done it AGAIN. But mark my words... he WILL do it again. It's only a matter of time. And the fact that he did it in response to you glancing at another guy in a bar? He's a domineering, abusive control freak. And the fact that you say he "forgave you", which suggests that you believe you'd done something worthy of the "punishment" he meted out, suggests that you are falling into the trap that many abused women find themselves in. Somebody once said that a woman who's hit by her partner is only blameless the first time it happens... because she shouldn't have even been there for it to happen a second time. Not that it's really "her fault", but hopefully you get my point. Get out now, while you still can. Enlist the help of your friends and family, but do it ASAP.
JackJack Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I really hope that you do not feel your b/f's porn viewing far outweighs that of him slapping you and being controlling. Because if YOU do think that, then you are exactly where HE wants YOU. I have given you a way to "get past this" and so have others, and we are all pretty much echoing the same thing. You keep saying he is sorry...guess what? Most people who are controlling/abusive, usually are...until they do it again.
Author Aries77 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I know, as well as understand how HUGE the issue is of abuse. Totally. I have given him that one chance to make it better. And it has. And if he does ever do it again, I will absolutely 100% report him. No question. There's nothing so bad a woman can do to make a man abuse her. Nothing. There's just no excuse. I know that. We have gotten past that. Maybe I should mention that we were together in high school and now we're together again after being "lost" from one another. I really feel we are meant to be together. Thanks for your advice once again.
blair08 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 "Maybe I should mention we were in high school together and now we're together again after being lost from one another." It doesn't matter how long you've been together. Lots of people have been together for many many years, it doesn't mean they are meant to be together. It could mean they just stayed for whatever reason until they felt it was time to get out of whatever they were in. Just out of curiosty, can you name some things that makes you feel you were meant to be together? Other than the fact that he views porn after him knowing you didn't like it,other than the fact he slapped you and told you that you couldn't look at or talk to other guys,what are some things about him you love that you feel its worth staying for?
EnigmasMuse Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Well, you're obviously not going to leave him over the slapping and say you're past that...so I'm sure you wont leave him over the porn issue. So, with that being said, since you're planning on staying with him and you feel you all are meant to be together regardless of what he has done or is doing, I'm sure you'll figure out a way on your own to "get past it." After all, you "got past" him slapping you, its what you said in your post anyway.
donnamaybe Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Aries, I hope you find a way to leave this guy, otherwise your life will be filled with getting past this, that, and the other. You will constantly be making excuses for his controlling, abusive behavior, and YOU will forever be his victim.
Enema Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 You should do both. 1) Leave him for being a control freak 2) Get over the porn
phillipreed678 Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Well I wouldn't get over the porn issue. Thats degrading, especially if the guy was with you. As for being drunk, slapping you shows that he has got no respect for, at least in that moment.
Recommended Posts