Lovely246 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 My Husband and I just got married, but we are already having one big problem that we are both contributing to. He is always too busy to make time for me, he works 6 days a week and then on his day off he trains with his friend for 12 hours, he doesn't understand how this hurts me, and accuses me of being too needy, which really hurts me. It is also my fault though because I can't seem to just let it go and let him do his own thing, the reason for this is because we just moved to this small town, and he used to live here so he had all of his old friends to come back to, and I don't have any friends yet, so I rely on him as my sole form of companionship. I really need to just give him some space and not be as available, but I don't know how, PLEASE help me, how do I make myself less available so I am not in his face as much?? Thank you
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Why would you think you need to make yourself less available to him? When do you even see him now? To sleep? Oh joy, that'll keep ya'll close. How does he treat you? My first husband moved me off and isolated me and then he beat the crap out of me. Hope that doesn't happen here. If you're not in danger, then speak up and tell him that as his WIFE, you deserve at least as much attention as his friends. Actually, you deserve more. Ya know, the whole Forsaking all others bit of the VOWS he took. Just because he wants to be a selfish jerk doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
DragonSlayer Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Wow, this is a tough one. There a lots of issues here. A friend of my "wife's" was recently married and split up within 2 or 3 months for the same reason. He works a lot and plays baseball when he's not working...they're in their early 30s. She was single for a long time and seemed independent (to me, anyways), but she isn't all that social and the lack of attention from him is killing her so she left and moved back home. The problems I see for you guys are these: 1. This dynamic had to be there before you got married. You had to know that he works a lot and socializes a lot...and perhaps puts you on the back burner. You didn't address it, you didn't see it, or you assumed it would just go away when he got a ring. 2. Sounds like he may have some issues with intimacy...he may be running away from intimacy with you by working and "training"...whatever that means. 3. Sounds like you may have some intimacy problems. To be frank, you do sound needy. You may be clingy and you may require a lot of validation, reassurance, attention, etc. Some guys love to give that and love to be doting...he's not one of them. 4. You guys are already polarizing...you're moving in opposite directions already. I don't think you implied that he's abusing you, but it definitely sounds like he's abandoning you at some level. Sounds like you guys need to get to an MC right away. He won't like it, but you need to get this stuff out there in a forum where you can each get out what you need to say w/o the other interrupting or giving guilt trips. It's trite, but you may be modeling the relationship you had with your dad...you may have gone after a man who won't be available to you either so that you can have a "do-over" and get it right this time or so that at some subconscious level, you can escape intimacy too. I think, it's time to go to an MC, and I think it's time to communicate without manipulation (like making yourself less available to him), guilt trips, etc. And more importantly, I think it's time to look at yourself and try to figure out what's going on with you. Not saying that you're more to blame...but you're human and you have patterns that are causing problems too. You can't change him, but you can change yourself, and that may be a start while you guys are getting this ironed out. And go out and socialize a little! If he's working or training, then go out and make some friends. Not to get further from him, but for you... Good luck...
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