mrsworthy Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I have been married for 3 years. Things haven't been great, but all in all good. I came into this marriage with 2 kids and he with 1. We also have 1 together (4 in total). Our child has a lot of medical issues... Anyway, he is a flirt in the office...but nothing to serious. A little joke here and there. If some other lady gets him something he needs he will say "I love you" or if there is an argument between two of the gals he will say something along the lines of " Lets settle this in the jell-o pit". That I can take. He has been working with these ladies for a LONG time. Now, fast forward. He helps this lady, around his age, to get a job where he works. She is great at what she does...and he has done this in the past. WELL, I have felt something wasn't right. I don't know if it's because we haven't been as intimate as we once were before our child came or if it was the fact we are at the dr's office all the time with our sick child. So, I started looking through his emails and blackberry. I stumble upon some things that really hurt me. For one, he had a pretty romantic dream about this girl and told her about it. He got a flight to where she was going and was standing there waiting on her with local hand picked flowers. She saw him, very excited and ran to him. He picked her up and swung her around and everyone was "awwing" at this. Then, they spent an entire week together doing whatever they wanted to (this hurts me the most) all alone. Then, in the same message he told her that one friday he wanted to go have dinner with her. She loved the dream and was very happy to have dinner....they never did, as far as I know. Then, a lot of flirting happened almost every day. I don't remember exactly...but A LOT (but remember, he does this to all the women). Then, he took a vacation day and she said that she missed him, but knew that he and I needed some "quality" time together. He told her that there was no quality time and that he would rather be there. They went on and on about how their "SO" (she was dating someone, not married) nagged them and how they wanted to shut them up. A few emails later, she told him that one day she hopes to show him how much he can be loved and how much he deserved. It was a very hearfelt letter. I confronted him about it at that time and he said that he didn't see it...until he read the last email (I didn't tell him about the first one...the dream). He would stop and that was that. Fast forward a few months, and the other day I read a few other emails...I was getting the same feeling, even though things were good between us. There were more emails between them that didn't seem right. He had deleted a lot of them, so there was only bits and pieces I could go on. One was, one night when we were having a great time (so I thought) he was texting her. She emailed him the next day and said that he had her laughing so hard all night and that she really needed that. It ws innocent enough, but we were suppose to be having a romantic evening. Then, another was her telling him that she never knew...until that night...how he really felt and that it felt good. He replied that she should know for a long time...it was "concreted in". Then a few more about how she dressed up for him and was sad that he wasn't there. That someone said she was "pretty". He responded that she was always "pretty". Then talks about a present she got him and she wanted to have a picnic with him one day for lunch. I confronted him, and he was very upset that I looked at his emails (as he was the last few times I looked as well). He said that there was nothing going on and that he didn't have the time for an actual affair. That if it were happening, why for almost a year and nothing happening physically. That it's his job to flirt to get what he needs done (he is an outside sales rep for a huge company, and she is an inside sales rep). He does it with everyone in there (they are all female)...I feel it's "different" with her though. I am at a loss. I love my husband very much and I don't want to leave him. Divorce is NOT an option. I just want to move past this. Face it head on, fix it and move on. I don't know if I am justified for feeling that it's more than just harmless flirting or not. He makes it seem as if I am crazy and insecure. Is this an actual emotional affair, or just some flirting that might of gotten out of hand?
EllieBean Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Sounds like an EA to me. I wouldn't be so sure it's not physical... You need to confront him and insist on no further contact with this girl. Perhaps talk to her and see what she thinks is going on between the two of them. If she has a bf, tell him all the details too. Even if it wasn't an affair, this sort of closeness with a work colleague is unacceptable.
angie2443 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Yes this is an EA. Read up more on EA's and you'll see why they are so destructive to relationships. Do not let your husband fool you into thinking you're crazy and insecure. I would tell him to cut the contact with the girl, then go to MC. If he refuses, then I would prepare to divorce. I know you said it wasn't an option, but if he continues doing what he's doing, the marriage will be completely destroyed anyways.
sky1200 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 You need to expose, especially to her boyfriend. Let her boyfriend know what a slut she is messing around with a married man. Then, you expose more to people she and he respect, including their parents, siblings, etc. Affairs need secrecy just like we need air. Once it's exposed, it's no longer interesting, but rather bad. Expose now, before he falls deeper into this fantasy or even worse, falls in love with her.
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