acissej Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hello I am a 25 year old female, soon to be 26. My boyfriend is two years older than me and we have been together for a little over two years. We met through mutual friends and at first, I only ever thought of him as a friend. Eventually (due to him making a first move) we started dating and things were awesome. We would stay up late talking, enjoy each others company etc... He is an amazing guy and treats me phenomenal. Lately -- I have been feeling as though I am only attracted to him from time to time and that my overall sex drive has decreased. I thought this was mostly due to the fact that this is my longest relationship ever and we have just moved past the romance stage. (I also considered switching birth control pills to see if that helped anything but have yet to do so). I feel like many of my friends expect me to be with someone different -- someone taller (my boyfriend is short), someone more extroverted (he is very quite/shy until you get to know him, while I am more loud and bubbly). There are certain things I like that he does not -- loud bars/clubs, outdoor concerts, partying like I did in College. I know that I need to grow up and realize that those "things" aren't super important and I constantly tell myself when I am a certain age that I too, will no longer like loud bars & partying like a crazy girl. I feel as though I am not living up to other peoples expectations and this causes my relationship to suffer. My parents divorced when I was very young, have remarried but their new marriages are not that great of an example to me. I do not want to push away a great guy all because we are different in some ways, he is short, and because my friends make me feel insecure for being with him/I sometimes feel unattracted to him as well. Sometimes I feel held back by our relationship. I will ask myself what would change if he and I were not together -- would I be living in a new city? (no because I don't really like city living) .. yet it bothers me that won't be as spontaneous as me when it comes to dreaming of "just picking up and leaving to live someplace new" He has brought so many positive aspects into my life -- no cheating, love, happiness, friendship, traveling, music, outdoor activities ... my life has never been so full. So why do I feel so unfulfilled sometimes???
EllieBean Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 It doesn't seem like you respect this guy or think he's good enough for you. He may be nice and kind, but do you really find him physically attractive? You're obviously not getting the ego boost from dating a tall handsome extroverted guy, and perhaps you feel a little ashamed of him and think you could do better? Would you ever have been interested in him if he hadn't made the first move? It seems to me that you like him as a person but just don't find him that attractive, hence why your sex drive seems lower - perhaps there's nothing wrong with your sex drive, you just don't want sex with him. You feel like you should be attracted to him becausehe's so nice to you, but you hormones say otherwise. I've been in this sort of relationship before, and by the end we were like brother and sister - I just ended up wasting a whole lot of time when I could have been with someone I was really attracted to, as well as hurting the guy in question.
Author acissej Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 I'm not sure how things would have played out if he had not made the first move. What I do know is that shortly after he did, I had another guy that was interested in me (who was more like me - extroverted, fun etc...) and I ended up picking my boyfriend. Part of me is scared that deep down I am with him more so out of comfort - I just cannot distinguish my feelings at this point. They were once so strong, and now have gotten to a place where we are just more comfortable together and life is more routine. I try not to act like an ungrateful brat, or disrespectful of him. I am scared I would be like this with any guy after being together for so long. I just can't imagine breaking up with someone over the fact that they are short and quiet.
EllieBean Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I just can't imagine breaking up with someone over the fact that they are short and quiet. Seems shallow, doesn't it? But the fact is you cannot force sexual attraction. It has many components - a guy might not be cute but he might be kind or intelligent or rich or whatever, so you might find him sexually attractive. But if you don't find him sexually attractive, whether it's due to lack of height or lack of a sense of humour or whatever, you can't change that. You need to have a think about whether you find him as a package sexually attractive - this includes everything from height and personality to hair colour and interests. If you don't find him sexually attractive (despite the fact that he's a nice guy) then you never will, and you're probably wasting both your time and his.
Author acissej Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 well it comes in waves. at certain times i find the entire package attractive. to the point where I cannot imagine being with anyone else. I find his looks, humor, intelligence and overall being attractive. Other times the attraction sort of fades away. I'll see pictures of girls I know with their boyfriends and start to get the whole "the grass is always greener" syndrome. or always wanting what you don't have type of deal.
EllieBean Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 It sounds like you like him as a person but aren't particularly attracted to him physically, and you're trying to convince yourself that you can compromise on looks because he's a nice guy. I'm not saying that every guy has to be Brad Pitt, but you at least have to feel happy with him as a package - some other girl may think he's perfect, he just doesn't float your boat. You sound like me when I was dating my ex - I liked the fact that he was a nice guy who treated me well, but I didn't desire him or want sex, and eventually I got tired of it because I did feel that sexual attraction for other men. Looks wasn't the only problem - he wasn't intellectual and I would look at more intellectual guys and wish my bf had their brains. I wanted him, only taller and cleverer, and neither of those things was ever going to happen. After a passionless couple of years I met someone just as nice as him but taller and cleverer, so I dumped him. It was only then that I was able to acknowledge that I had a problem with his height etc all along.
CharismaCoach Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Ellie be careful that you aren't projecting your situation on to her. It is natural to have attraction fade in and out. Ask yourself what is going on when you are attracted to him and what is not going on when you aren't. When he is excited and passionate about his life are you are a lot more attracted to him? Where is he in his goals? How much of a life do you two have outside of each other? My guess is the short and quiet is just the thing that sticks out for your brain to grasp when you aren't feeling it. Also if you are being pressured by your friends sit down and talk to them honestly about how they feel about you two. Your friends opinions are important, but their judgements on you are not. Are they all in good relationships? If you want to keep things working talk to him about that you feel things have gotten a bit stale lately. That maybe you two should try a new hobby together and as well make sure you are still working on your own independent hobbies and interests. You might just be spending too much time together and a getting a bit busier will help you both re-affirm your own confidence and self-identity. Good luck
Author acissej Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I would say I get 100% attracted to him when he is partaking in his hobbies - such as working on his car, after we have gone snowboarding for the day, while we are traveling or planning a trip together, or while we are hanging out with MUTUAL friends doing group activities, and also when I am around him and his family. I know this might be a little TMI - but when it gets close to "my time of the month" I start to feel turned off by him. I can't remember when this started -- probably a few months ago or so. And also -- while we were on a recent vacation he casually asked me when I would want to get married only because he was curious not because he was planning on asking anytime soon. <--- sometimes I think I am subconsiously sabotaging my relationship because I am so scared of marriage. Not one of my friends are in good solid relationships. Two of them live the single life in crazy, busy cities.... another one of my friends has been dating someone that lives overseas.... I have a few friends that tell me not to let what others think of my boyfriend seep into my brain and affect how I view our relationship.
monkey00 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 It sounds to me like the guys brings stability/balance to your life (where you're a social butterfly in bars/clubs/parties). But it also sounds to me like you know what's going on because your past and present brings about views/influence that conflict with you want and what you think you want. Personally I think in a relationship the guy and the girl should both be satisfactory with their SO - both physically and mentally. In this case, if the physical isn't there then I think you should just save both yourselves the misery in the long run and end it now. Though physical isn't the end of the world because there are great couples that get by with each other even though they aren't ideal/perfect physically. I think you should spend some time pondering on whether you need a partner who's more like you in similarities/hobbies or the opposite (which in this case is the guy). Maybe the best thing to do is just break up and date other guys who are more like you and see where it goes? Pondering can only do so much the rest is up to you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 So why do I feel so unfulfilled sometimes??? Because people change a ****load in their 20's. I would not have chosen the same type of guy now (at 29) that I chose at 22. Sometimes people grow apart and you have to decide if it's worth staying together. You're the only one that can answer that.
Author acissej Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Because people change a ****load in their 20's. I would not have chosen the same type of guy now (at 29) that I chose at 22. Sometimes people grow apart and you have to decide if it's worth staying together. You're the only one that can answer that. I think that is a big hang up for me here .... I know that who I was at 18, how I acted, the places I hung out at - are completely unattractive to me now. I judge my current boyfriend on the fact that he doesn't like ALL the same bars that I do --- but why am I allowing myself to judge someone based on a preferred social setting when chances are, as you said, when I get a bit closer to 30 (or just get older in general) that I too, will not like the same places/things that I like now (I can already feel that happening) I guess I still have a lot of internal pondering to do. thanks for the help !
Author acissej Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Maybe the best thing to do is just break up and date other guys who are more like you and see where it goes? Pondering can only do so much the rest is up to you. haha... i have done that before -- since I was 15 ... and none of those types of guys lasted long at all. My friend at work recently sent me a quote that said something along the lines of "when you're young the grass is always greener on the other side, when you get older - you learn how to water it" good grief I am a mess !
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I know this might be a little TMI - but when it gets close to "my time of the month" I start to feel turned off by him. That does make sense. Here are the two main factors as I see it. 1. You are not attracted to his height. 2. You feel pressured by expectations to be with someone else. Seriously... if you can't get over the height thing... you need to break up with him. I only dated girls with huge boobs as a teen. It's the same thing. When Ellie said you can't change sexual attraction... that's totally not true! I've changed a ton, anyone can. I have complete control over who and what I find attractive. I date thick girls, thin girls, even flat girls now. Think about it... genetically we are designed to live in small groups where you don't have much choice in mates. You have an inborn genetic ability to be adaptable. To claim its fate or something is just an excuse for the lazy or mentally deficient. Second... your friends don't respect your BF because he is short and shy. You have let that rub off on you. What does that say about you as a person? Do you plan to let your friends make all of your life choices for you? Are you secure enough in yourself to make unpopular decisions?
Recommended Posts