Trialbyfire Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I think you should only do this if asked. Otherwise you are being presumptuous. You don't necessarily know that either party is interested in being serious.I disagree. I've always been upfront when multi-dating in the past and no guy has ever had issues with it, except once and that was a week after-the-fact, when he met the other guy face-to-face, when we were going out.
Author axisdenied Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 If neither of them are mentioning being exclusive then maybe they're seeing others as well? It's totally possible. The way I figure it is that until I mention anything about the other girl to either of them, I don't have the right to know. If you like both people equally, chances are you don't like either of them all that much? This is a good point. I used to think this about multi-daters until I found myself attracted to both of them. If it isn't obvious by now, I've never done this before. I'm still on the fence about whether it's possible to fall in love with more than one person at the same time. Sounds to me , Axis, that you've got a pretty good handle on the method, but not so good, on the choice. I want to make an informed decision. I think both women should be fully aware of each other - no room for assumptions about exclusivity. [ . . . ] If I found out after sex that you were seeing other girls, I would class you as a cheater and break off all contact immediately. I am seriously considering telling them both that I'm casually seeing another person. I did sleep with one girl the night before I went out with the other for the first time -it really was a haphazard mix up of events and commitments. I didn't want to break my date with the one just because I'd casually slept with a friend I'd bumped into the evening before. The first began as sex, the second began as dating, I appear to be "dating" them both now and that is how it remains at the moment. I'm sharing these details because I don't want you to get the wrong idea . . . I didn't go out looking for multiple women to date while on the prowl or whatever. The poor timing is what has landed me here.
samspade Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I disagree. I've always been upfront when multi-dating in the past and no guy has ever had issues with it, except once and that was a week after-the-fact, when he met the other guy face-to-face, when we were going out. Fair enough. I can't really argue with that. The thing is, I usually get asked about it first. It doesn't bother me, and I am honest (without divulging details). I usually don't know until a woman asks that she is thinking along "exclusive" lines. If I want to see where it goes, and I like her, I'll usually add that I want to take it slow and build the connection and enjoy it.
BubblyPopcorn Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 This is good food for though. I hadn't even considered the idea that it can't go on for too long yet. I've just been having non-committal fun without regard to the idea that somebody may eventually want a relationship. Indeed, I'll need to remain aware of that. This thread might get interesting. I'm also a woman. Crap I missed that part, my apologies for my reference to the "he" comment.
indianlover Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 This thread is the reason why women who are looking for relationships, shouldn't sleep with anyone until they're in an exclusive relationship. Recent experience has shown me this is true. Some people say "oh you don't have to talk about exclusivity, etc" but these days you really never know. Was involved with a guy that was really into me (lots of dates, calls, connection, etc). Pretty quickly found out that he actually wasn't serious about me and was playing a bunch of people on the side. Claimed 'he was honest the whole time.' Omission is NOT honesty. Long after we broke up he got an STD from god knows who because he was 'omitting' things from a lot of people. HAVE THE TALK is the lesson learned for me.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Anyway, what do you think? Come one, come all! I'll even wax poetic about those who give the best responses (I know I don't know any of you personally but I'll make something up that amuses you.) axis When does dating around become cheating? When you have made a committment to one of them, or you are making them think they are the only one you are seeing. In my opinion. But while I don't think its cheating if I am dating someone and there is no committment yet, but I am spending money on that person and giving her a fair shot at a relationship without messing it up by being involved with other women....I am not too fond of someone that takes advantage of me moneywise or otherwise and is dating muliple guys at the same time. I've said this before, if a woman is honest with me and says she doesn't want a committment and wants to date around...hey, no problem....no harm, no foul. We can still hang out....but it will be dutch.
bean1 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I would recommend advising women that you not sexually exclusive with them because most women feel that dates and sex combined implies exclusivity. Since you stated you do not want to lead them on emotionally, you should clarify that. If you don't care about hurt feelings, then keep on. Again, you are not obligated but this misunderstanding between men and women often leads to the "jerk" guy and "psycho" girl name-calling.
WorriedOne Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 You know, I used to be a fan of multi-dating. Even to the point of having sex with both women (always used protection, of course). But once the tables were turned on me, and I found out the girl I had been dating for 2 months had possibly been sleeping with another guy she was dating I was hurt and...repulsed. I think once sex enters the picture there should be a discussion about exclusivity. Maybe I'm old fashioned? I'm a 35 year old male, by the way.
WorriedOne Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I've said this before, if a woman is honest with me and says she doesn't want a committment and wants to date around...hey, no problem....no harm, no foul. We can still hang out....but it will be dutch. That's being kinda cheap, IMHO. Although, honestly, I won't date a girl who is dating other guys for more than a few weeks. It's not that hard to figure out if you like one guy or the other.
fishtaco Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 That's being kinda cheap, IMHO. Although, honestly, I won't date a girl who is dating other guys for more than a few weeks. It's not that hard to figure out if you like one guy or the other. No, but it takes more than a few weeks to figure out if a person is compatible with you enough to be in a serious relationship with. Personally I'd like my serious relationships to be serious, and not go in and out of it every three months.
Lizzie60 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Dating around is NOT cheating. You didn't make any promises.. so you're not breaking any promises. Enjoy .. life is too short.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Personally, I would only be comfortable in this situation if both people knew what was going on and were OK with it. However, if no exclusivity discussion has been had, you can do what you want. I don't have sex with someone unless we agree upon exclusivity, and I take it upon myself to make sure it's clear where we stand.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Just the mere fact that you came to a dating forum to ask this question tells me that your conscience is acting up. That being the case, I would mention to both of them about casually dating other people. I could never multi-date. I suck at compartmentalizing.
Author axisdenied Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 SoulSearch_CO and I go way back. I remember when I was having problems with that rouge bookie who wanted to break my legs, SoulSearch_CO put that SOB in his place! For saving my life, and offering an observation on my dating psychology as sharp as intrigue, SoulSearch_CO will always have a special place in my heart.
Author axisdenied Posted April 9, 2009 Author Posted April 9, 2009 Dating around is NOT cheating. You didn't make any promises.. so you're not breaking any promises. Enjoy .. life is too short. Lizzie60 has the sexiest d*mn avatar up in this place.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 Lizzie60 has the sexiest d*mn avatar up in this place. You should have seen her last one.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 That's being kinda cheap, IMHO. Nothing cheap about it. I always pay for my dates. But why should I pay for dates, when the woman is seeing other guys? At that point, if a woman is seeing other people, I could hang out with her if I thought she was cool, but at that point its no longer dating. Just friends. I don't feel the need to blow cash on a woman that is using me. Although, honestly, I won't date a girl who is dating other guys for more than a few weeks. It's not that hard to figure out if you like one guy or the other. Same here which would make the going dutch comment kind of moot since it wouldn't get to that point with me anyway. Unless we still hung out as friends...and then, it isn't dating. Do you pay for everything when going out with the guys?
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