LTR needing space, wanting to be alone...Huh? and How?

[neverdonethis]

My girlfriend and I have been dating just over 2.5 years. I’m 25, she is 22. We have lived together for over a year. She has been in school, I have been working. The relationship has been great. Yes, we’ve had arguments here and there, but no big fights. We get along great, we love to be around each other, we enjoy each other’s company. Living together has been great too. She graduates in May and we’ve always talked about going somewhere together (if we both could get jobs) and how we both wanted to do that.

 

About a month ago, she was away for a week and when she comes back, I can tell something was different. She even knew she was acting weird. To me the red flag goes up about another guy, but she is not the cheating type and there has been NO lying or disloyalness ever. Eventually we talked. Her reason for acting weird was that being away for a week made her realize that she liked being “independent” and enjoyed being “alone” and wanted the chance to be on her own and do her own thing.

Immediately, to me, that comes across as a break up and doesn’t want to be with me and I start acting negatively. Unfortunately, it was a couple weeks until we were able to communicate what she wanted and what I was feeling.

 

It’s clear that she needs her space. I could see that, and she mentioned it to. She feels suffocated. She mentioned that she loves being alone and doing nothing, and that upsets her because she knows it is killing me.

 

My questions: It seems like she still wants this relationship to work, right? It’s not the slow break up where “i need my space” and then a few weeks or months later it’s goodbye?

 

We live together- How do i give her space? How do I make myself less available? How do i let her be alone? I’ve been looking for temporary housing to rent a place for a month or two, but no luck yet, so what do i do in the mean time?

 

Less contact? Less communication about what I’m doing??

 

Any help is appreciated.

[samspade]

She wants space, so give her plenty of space. "I need space" usually means "I want enough space to date other guys, but keep you around as option if that doesn't work." It is kind of half-assed, in my opinion, so you should tell her that if she wants space then you are taking that to mean the relationship is over (so there is no confusion).

 

If you live together, that is difficult. Perhaps you should break your lease and move out, or one of you should move out. I have broken a few leases in my day, usually by telling my landlord I am moving elsewhere and would be happy to help him find a new tenant. Never had a problem. Or, find the temporary housing....where there is a will, there's a way.

 

You are, in essence, not in an exclusive relationship, so cut way back on contact and start dating other people if you want. If you're sad, you should give YOURSELF space, and stay away from her, regardless. It will be much easier on both of you.

[Katherineos123]

If she is 22 years old, and you have been dating for over 2 years.... that means she has essentially, never been "on her own" for her adulthood. She's always had you there. That age is crucial to growing and finding yourself, and sometimes it can be hard to do that when you've been in a long term relationship at such a young age.... I know because this sounds JUST like my first serious relationship!

 

I agree that if she asked for space, than that is exactly what you need to give her... It does not necessarily mean she is breaking up with you. It sounds like you two truly love each other, but maybe you need to get out of each other's hair to realize what you have.

 

I would try and move out, but in the meantime, go out with your friends and have a good time. Take this as an opportunity to try and figure out yourself as well. Try and make yourself scarce around the house... But DONT SLEEP WITH HER! She cant have her cake and eat it too. If she wants to see what it would be like without you... then let her see what it would be like without you. It will all just get more complicated and messy if you continue sleeping together.

 

Give her all the space that she wants. She will either come crawling back to you, and the choice will be yours... or you will both move on. This is a difficult situation, I hope it all works out for you.

[EllieBean]

If someone wants to be with you, they don't usually ask for space. As samspade said, she wants space to be herself and date other guys, but stil wants you as a backup plan. I wouldn't be so sure that she didn't meet someone else while she was away that week...

 

All you can do is give her the space she wants - but to me it sounds like the beginning of a long slow break-up... Tell her if she wants space then you will consider yourself to be free to date other women since you're no longer in an exclusive relationship, and see how she takes it. Definitely move out of the house you share.

[CharismaCoach]

I agree with the other responses. You have to treat this as a break up. Trying to give her space while still living with her won't work. Not to mention you will feel weird about coming home if she is there and if you are giving her enough space. You need to separate your living situation.

 

The only way you are going to get her back is by moving on yourself. If she thinks you will wait around for her to make up her mind she will see you a pushover. You have to be strong, understand the situation and start moving on sincerely. If you do she may realize what she is losing and want you back. You just can't act like you are moving on or she will see through that.

 

The real question is why does she feel like she needs space? Do you have a fulfilling social life outside of the relationship? What are your hobbies, interests, work, etc that you are pursuing outside of your relationship? If she is your whole social circle, a replacement for your own interests and hobbies, and your preferred way to spend all of your time, I can understand why she might need space.

 

Rediscover what you like to do, reconnect with your friends, and start discovering your own independence. That may be the best way for you to get yourself back on track and give her the space she needs.

[refurb]

It's another guy.

 

The only time I've ever seen girls ask for more independence and space is when another guy has caught their attention. The fact that this practically happened overnight make it even more likely that it's another guy.

 

She likely met some other guy who felt a strong connection with and he probably reciprocated. She feels that she's young and she shouldn't deny herself the opportunity to find out where it will lead.

 

If I were you, I'd say "OK, I understand." and let her leave. Then initiate zero contact. If you don't she'll likely string you along until she knows for sure the other guy is interested as well. Either way you'll get screwed over.

 

RF

[samspade]

It's another guy.

 

The only time I've ever seen girls ask for more independence and space is when another guy has caught their attention. The fact that this practically happened overnight make it even more likely that it's another guy.

 

She likely met some other guy who felt a strong connection with and he probably reciprocated. She feels that she's young and she shouldn't deny herself the opportunity to find out where it will lead.

 

If I were you, I'd say "OK, I understand." and let her leave. Then initiate zero contact. If you don't she'll likely string you along until she knows for sure the other guy is interested as well. Either way you'll get screwed over.

 

RF

 

I was going to say this, but I refrained because it was based only her words and the fact that she came back from a vacation feeling this way. And yes, give space, be peaceful, and make yourself scarce.

[neverdonethis]

 

The real question is why does she feel like she needs space? Do you have a fulfilling social life outside of the relationship? What are your hobbies, interests, work, etc that you are pursuing outside of your relationship? If she is your whole social circle, a replacement for your own interests and hobbies, and your preferred way to spend all of your time, I can understand why she might need space.

 

Rediscover what you like to do, reconnect with your friends, and start discovering your own independence. That may be the best way for you to get yourself back on track and give her the space she needs.

 

Yes, this is what is going on. We do everything together, we have the same friends, and even some of our friends are dating. Makes it hard to do things separately. Again, we have both loved living with each other and have enjoyed doing everything together so much that we have become so wrapped up with each other, we've both become replacements for our own interests and hobbies, like CharismaCoach said.

 

She hasn't said she has needed space but has said she has felt crampt and suffocated, and wants to take time to discover her independence. I guess I assumed all of this meant she needs space. It's pretty clear, isn't it? I guess I need to take a timeout for myself too?

 

Again, my questions are how do I give her space and time? The ultimate solution is to move out...For the next couple days/weeks, that isn't likely to happen...should i be talking to her less, not letting her know what i'm doing? waiting for her to call/initiate? Do I ignore her call sometimes?.Do i need to explain why i'm doing this or just do it. Do i sleep in the same bed, no sex obviously, but just sleeping there? (we share a room together, with 2 other house mates) Living together makes it a little difficult, huh?

 

So ideas on how to go about not smothering her...

[CharismaCoach]

You need to make yourself scarce. Go on meetup.com and go join a bunch of groups. Go do as many things out of the apartment as you can ASAP.

 

Don't be cold to her. She I'm sure still loves you but is smothered. It is going to be hard to live with her trying to walk on eggshells though. Your best bet is do some couchsurfing with friends for a few nights out of the week if you can and re-connect with any and all of your old friends.

 

Take her calls and be friendly, just get yourself VERY busy. Perhaps after a week or two of being pretty much absent she will realize she does want you back. Then your job is to try to stay busy by focusing on developing yourself and your social life outside of her.

 

Most of my relationships I may spend most nights sleeping next to my girlfriend, but I only have time to hang out with her 3-4 nights a week. Even weekends or often spent doing things apart. The rest of the time I am doing things for me. It keeps me happy and confident and I that space helps me stay closer to my GF when I do see her.

[Jyl_Unit]

This is crazy – it is basically the situation I am going through, but in reverse. I am 22 and have been dating my boyfriend for about 2.5 years. For two of those we have lived together. I love him very much and I have loved living with him, but as the end of our lease creeps up I can’t help but want my own place. I have never lived by myself and I feel like it is something that is very important not only to my independence, but also to my overall well being. As corny as it is, I feel like I hardly know myself. I also think it might help our relationship, as weird as that sounds, but I feel more like his wife than his girlfriend, and I am not ready for that type of commitment (and he can't be either...he still can't tell me he loves me).

 

I don’t want to break it off with him – there is no other guy either – but I am terrified he will see it way, or that I am trying to force him to commit. I can’t say for sure with your situation, but just because she wants space doesn’t mean she wants to break it off with you. She might just be feeling overwhelmed. She is just getting out of school and starting 'life' and it is kinda terrifying.

 

Also, there is no way to give her the space she needs while you are living together. Even when you aren’t there it is still a shared place, and it isn’t like you can avoid each other in such a small area.

[neverdonethis]

Hey Jyl Unit,

 

It sounds like we're going through the exact same situation, just on opposite ends. It is a case of her wanting her independence. I see that and more importantly, I understand that. Everything has been great but we've become so wrapped up with each other, we've forgotten who we are and what our interests are. The fact that she is graduating in 1.5 months has freaked her out, and like you said is overwhelming.

 

Our lease ends in 1.5 months. We have both agreed that not living together would be best. I found a place, and will be out within a week.

 

Now where do I go from here, as in what is the best way to let her try and discover her independence? How much communication? Probably less, but how much less? lol Do I call/text or wait for her to initiate? We'll have different places, how often should we be hanging out?..I know she'll still want me to come over and spend a night with her...

 

As for you, I find it odd after 2.5 years he doesn't love you? Did i read that correctly? why is he in the relationship then?

 

You need to let him know and communicate how you feel. I would've been much more upset down the road if my GF let this carry on and was always miserable inside. And it's not fair to you if your going to be unhappy. You would carry on this way until another guy made you feel happy, and you'd end it with your current BF.

 

However, your right. He will be completely confused, and it will look like it came out of left field from his perspective. I've been there recently haha.

 

It would've been a lot better if my GF communicated it better. It will be a case of you saying and meaning one thing, but it will come across differently to him. Communicate what you mean by independent and communicate where you see him fitting in with you trying to discover it. To a guy, plain and simple, independant means "one" or "single". Thats how it will come across. Be sure to include him in your plans of "discovering your independence". By this I mean if you want the relationship to work and continue, express that...more than once. Explain to him that independence isn't becoming single, it's discovering what else is important to you(interests) besides the relationship. Again, reassure him that the relationship is important to you(only if it is).

 

Give him time to understand. If in time he doesn't understand, then he doesn't care about what is important to you and thats not good. I don't know how much time though. For me, it was about a month to understand and grasp all this. These forums helped too haha.

 

Again, it's odd he hasn't told you he loves you.

 

Be honest. Be upfront. Do what makes you happy.

[Jyl_Unit]

It is all about communication. I am such a chicken sometimes. I have been putting it off because I have been very afraid that he will take independence as single. I will take your advice and emphaize it, well see. Cross your fingers for me!

 

Has she made it clear that space means single? Maybe she is scared of losing herself before she has time to really find herself. Yes, communication will probably be a little less, but that also will give you a lot more to talk about when you do talk. I wouldn't call every day, but once every two or three I think would be okay - unless she says otherwise. Who knows? Maybe this will bring you back to the dating phase - bring more passion because you will be missing each other?

 

But if you both agree to make it work and you don't get to see each other more than once a week or the phone calls seem distant or quick, it is a red flag. You seem completely understanding and sweet - I'm sure she is going to miss that. Though, I hate to agree with everyone else but, this did come out right after vacay. So either she had a sudden epiphany, or someone else sparked something in her.

 

I think it is odd too that he hasn't told me. He got out of a bad relationship (she cheated) a few years before I met him and for a while I told myself that was the reason. I have told him I love him twice and he said he liked me a lot but didn't want to say anything until he was ready and I am trying to respect that. I haven't said it again because I don't want to make him uncomfortable or anything. He does do sweet things for me and shows me he cares, but sometimes it is just different hearing it, having it affirmed. I don't want to make him more uncomfortable and have him think that I am leaving because he hasn't said it either. Maybe this whole thing will reveal his true feelings.