emotionbankrupt Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 It has been 6 months since I caught my Husband in an affair with a co-worker, a MW. Some days are good and some are REALLY bad. I love him, and hate him all the same time. We have been married 20 years and were the type that did everything together, sex was frequent and good, not many fights or real problems to speak of. So it was like being run over by a train I guess. He still works with her, so everyday that he goes to work I have doubts in my mind. From what I have been told it was more of an EA than a PA, but I dont know what to believe. I vacilate from being mad to being really depressed. I think there is something wrong with me. Was it the thrill? She is not a nice looking woman, and is out of shape, shorter but fatter than I. Some days I would wish I was the victim of some sort of random gun battle, it hurt so bad. I have kids so would never think of comitting suicide or anything stupid like that. Anyway he does not like to talk about it anymore, although he is getting better at not getting mad when I question him about it. I dont know if I am going crazy for thinking he is still messing around with an EA, possibly a PA? He is always home on time, but what does that matter when they work together I guess. I will be fine one day and the next something will trigger a memory of his affair and thats it for me. When he says nice things to me or wants to initiate intimacy I wonder if he said the same things to her. I get upset, dont want to look at him or talk to him without being accusatory. Am I going crazy? Does it ever get better? What do I do? I feel like an idiot. I want to run away. I feel broken. I thought I was better but I am headed down the rabbit hole again and am afraid I wont come back out.
lostsoulmate Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I have kids so would never think of comitting suicide or anything stupid like that... I thought I was better but I am headed down the rabbit hole again and am afraid I wont come back out. The two highlighted sentences worry me. People only say or talk about something as serious as this if they are thinking about it. Please get into IC soon. It will help you and the situation you are in with your WS. I get upset, dont want to look at him or talk to him without being accusatory. Am I going crazy? Does it ever get better? What do I do? I feel like an idiot. I want to run away. I feel broken. You are not going crazy, you are going through a crazy time in your life. With time is does get better. You do what you feel like. You take care of yourself and the kids. Don't feel like an idiot. Your WS is the idiot. Run if you need to. Take the kids and run. You shouldn't feel bad about it. Your WS betrayed you. It is within your right to leave him if you so choose. Feeling broken and being broken are two different things. Like I said get into IC soon. I have been the BS and the WS in my lifetime. Both ends are not pleasant. Please, please take care of yourself first!!!
2sure Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Well, yes - it can get better and often does. But recovery from infidelity is a process that requires specific steps and participation from both the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS). It doesnt sound like any steps have been taken in your marriage. You should both read books on recovering from an affair, so you know what to expect from each other. The A should have been revealed to the other woman's husband so that it was no longer their secret, and to prevent it from starting again. You have been made the only victim of their actions. If no changes have been made, you cannot expect different results.
TryingtoGoOn Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I am two months from D-day. I can tell you I go through the same exact ups and downs as you. Sometimes i can do that whole loop inside a few hours; sometimes it lasts for days. At times, I too feel broken or want to run away. But then I see my kids and I realize I can't nor do I really want to. Simply, we are victims and are reacting normally to the crap the person we loved and trusted most thrust upon us. It stinks, but it is life. Luckily, there will be a tomorrow and it will be better. Keep trying and keep reading the posts here. I have found it to be helpful. In the very least, you find others who are going through the same thing you are. Good luck.
stampdaddy Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 This "he doesnt want to talk about it and gets upset...." SO THE F**K WHAT?!?!?? He HAS to talk about it if that is what you need. He doesnt get the damn luxury of sweeping it under the rug and keeping his marriage. NO WAY! if he gets mad, you get MADDER! He brought this into your lives, he has responsibility to either help get it out, OR he get out! He doesnt get the right to tell you to forget about it. Heck, you dont even know what IT is? I was reminded about this yesterday with another post, so here goes again.. This may help, I hope it does To Whomever, I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have. Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what�s the difference, it's not important. Then later when I�m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it. So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier. So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world. Joseph
Snowflower Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I can sympathize with your pain. It has been 4 1/2 months for me since my H confessed. Yes, some days are good and some days are really rough--this is normal so don't feel bad about it. Are you in MC or IC? I think this is absolutely crucial to figuring out how to heal from a betrayal such as this. You had mentioned thoughts of suicide--I think this is normal response--you are trying to escape the pain that you are in. This makes counseling even more crucial for you. Please try to talk to someone who can help you. Like 2sure said, there are specific steps that both the WS (your husband) and the BS (you) need to do in order to try to reconstruct your relationship. From what you have posted here, I'm not sure this is happening so it is natural for you to feel lost and broken. You are most likely going through the worst experience of your life so it is perfectly okay to feel confused. Good luck to you and keep posting-you will find many here who have been through the same thing!
Author emotionbankrupt Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 I have done no counceling, lost my insurance at the onset of this whole mess, and I am the one who carries it!! I attempted to contact the OW's H he would not return my call. His wife told him I was just jelous of her "friendship" with my H. All this according to my H, of course. I am/have been trying tricks to work on myself and keep this out of my head, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. I seriously think I am losing it. My H doesnt like to or "have time" to read, I do, and any book suggestion would be very helpful. Am I stupid to take his word that it is over? I am a 40 year old woman so have been married to him like 1/2 my life and as previoulsy stated I thought everything was great. Dumb. I think I am coming into the revenge mode, or did for a half a second. I seriously thought about becoming the OW for someone else, to do something "for me" . I have since come to realize this is childish on my part and would devestate someone else, and my kids. It is not me. I dont know what I want. I guess to be happy again. I hate crying and hurting, which I try to get out of my system on the way home from work so my kids (young adult/teen) dont see me as a wreck. Another problem I guess is I have pretty much isolated myself from friends and family, dont like to talk to anyone anymore. I guess that is why I posted here. I am embarassed, and wouldnt want my friends and neighbors to know. Thank you for your help and advice, it is really appreciated.
stampdaddy Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I have done no counceling, lost my insurance at the onset of this whole mess, and I am the one who carries it!! I attempted to contact the OW's H he would not return my call. His wife told him I was just jelous of her "friendship" with my H. All this according to my H, of course. I am/have been trying tricks to work on myself and keep this out of my head, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. I seriously think I am losing it. My H doesnt like to or "have time" to read, I do, and any book suggestion would be very helpful. Am I stupid to take his word that it is over? I am a 40 year old woman so have been married to him like 1/2 my life and as previoulsy stated I thought everything was great. Dumb. I think I am coming into the revenge mode, or did for a half a second. I seriously thought about becoming the OW for someone else, to do something "for me" . I have since come to realize this is childish on my part and would devestate someone else, and my kids. It is not me. I dont know what I want. I guess to be happy again. I hate crying and hurting, which I try to get out of my system on the way home from work so my kids (young adult/teen) dont see me as a wreck. Another problem I guess is I have pretty much isolated myself from friends and family, dont like to talk to anyone anymore. I guess that is why I posted here. I am embarassed, and wouldnt want my friends and neighbors to know. Thank you for your help and advice, it is really appreciated. You gotta grab your boot straps girl.. This will ONLY get worse IF you dont... Trust us, this is the way it ALWAYS is when the cheater sees that they can get away with it. He isnt about to come clean with you on what REALLY was. He is being allowed to just mosey into work, give a wink wink to this girl while you sit there and fall apart with all of your doubts and confusion.. Pack his stuff, set it outside and change the locks... He will start singing like a canary (that was for you WWIU)
stampdaddy Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 and as far as conseling goes, there are like a billion Churches around and there is ALWAYS someone to talk to
Snowflower Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 SD - I like that sample letter you included in your post above. I think it sums up nicely the differences in perception between a WS and a BS. Where did you ever find that letter? Did you write it yourself? OP - You will have to get tough, very tough with your husband in order to get him to come clean about this affair. I think you will find it empowering to you. It's kind of a tough love sort of thing--sort of like when your kids need to be disciplined (not necessarily punished) for something they did wrong. You don't need to be vindictive but you do need to be matter of fact about the whole situation. The first thing I would do if I were you is make your H find another job-I would insist on this since he still sees "her" every day. In my situation my husband CONFESSED his affair, which is why he stands a chance with me. But, I still had to play "hard-ball" with him as I call it. I made him move out and meet MY expectations of how I wanted our relationship to progress from that point onward. So far, he is meeting my requirements and we are doing well. My point is that you need to take some of the control back for yourself-no matter what happens. You deserve this. Unfortunately, WS often get so used to deluding and lying to everyone (including themselves) that they need a sharp dose of reality to make them snap out of the horrible situation they have put their families in.
Author emotionbankrupt Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I guess you all are correct in the fact I need to basically grow some cojones and stand up for myself. It is very difficult trying to figure it out, I cannot afford the house on my own AT THIS TIME. I am sure I will be able to again, when things begin to turn around in our economy. I could pack up and leave the house with the kids, maybe move to another town I dont know. I have been trying to work on myself, since I cannot control what another does, I can only control me. Thanks for your advice.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 It has been 6 months since I caught my Husband in an affair with a co-worker, a MW. He still works with her, so everyday that he goes to work I have doubts in my mind. Unacceptable. If he isn't putting his resume out and trying to find another job, then he needs to start. If he refuses, then take 1/2 his s##t that was accumulated since marriage and divorce him. If his need to keep a job in close proximity to a woman he was screwing is more important that being a husband, then he doesn't deserve to be one. From what I have been told it was more of an EA than a PA, but I dont know what to believe. I vacilate from being mad to being really depressed. I think there is something wrong with me. Absolutely not. What you are feeling is normal. He dealt you a really s####y hand and you are trying to cope. Was it the thrill? She is not a nice looking woman, and is out of shape, shorter but fatter than I. I know...perplexing isn't it. But I wasn't really concerned with why when it happened to me. What concerned me was that it happened. Some days I would wish I was the victim of some sort of random gun battle, it hurt so bad. I have kids so would never think of comitting suicide or anything stupid like that. No kids??? Then what is binding you to this cheating jerk? Anyway he does not like to talk about it anymore, although he is getting better at not getting mad when I question him about it. He shouldn't be getting mad at all. For one thing 6 months is NOTHING in terms of time for a BS to heal. he should be damned humble when the subject is brought up. The very fact he gets mad when you do shows me he just wants you to shut up about it and just get over it. I dont know if I am going crazy for thinking he is still messing around with an EA, possibly a PA? He is always home on time, but what does that matter when they work together I guess. Question, does the OW's husband know? If not, make sure he does. And if you rat her out to her husband and YOUR husband gets mad...then that right there tells me he wants to protect her...hence, he still has something going on with her in some capacity. If I were to rat out the man of any woman I am with that cheats on me, and she gets mad...out the door she goes. But then again if she cheats, out the door she goes anyway. I feel like an idiot. You are not an idiot. You are just married to an ahole. I want to run away. I wouldn't advise against that really. I always advice divorce in the face of a spouse screwing other people. I feel broken. You are not broken....he is. Question, have you contemplated divorce? I mean, you have no kids. The way you describe things, I think you would be MUCH better off without a man that sounds like he could care less about you unless he is wanting sex.
Tired03 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I have kids Sorry Dex - she said she does have kids...
KismetGirl Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 No kids??? Then what is binding you to this cheating jerk? ..... Question, does the OW's husband know? If not, make sure he does. ...... Question, have you contemplated divorce? I mean, you have no kids. The way you describe things, I think you would be MUCH better off without a man that sounds like he could care less about you unless he is wanting sex. Dexter, I know you get mad, but don't read so fast ;-) She DOES have kids, both teen and younger. She HAS tried to tell the OW's H, and the H did not want to call her back. I think her focus should be on , and Im only speculating here, but it seems she's afraid if she "puts up a fuss" about asking questions , and he gets mad, I think inside she's secretly afraid he'll just decide to leave her. Whether or not you think he's good riddance is another story...if she wants to try to make the marriage work she needs to make herself equal to him, and right not she's taking a somewhat subservient position. He needs to realize that HE is the one in a position to lose things, not her, and I don't think he's looking at it that way. She is, however, its evident from how she writes that she's more afraid of losing her family than he is. She def needs to give him ultimatums, and tell him she'll ask questions until she feels comfortable with it, but part of her insecurity inside is what is making her disatisfied with any answers he's already given. She needs to go into IC and MC with hubby to address all angles. Not everyone just gets angry , Dex.....some people, when they are hurt, they WANT to be mad but instead they become submissive and almost afraid of losing the very person that wronged them, even though its the other person who should be asking for forgiveness. To the OP....you really should get a good therapist and a good marriage counselor to work through alot of these issues. It runs deeper than what can be addressed here. There is not wrong with how you're feeling, it's normal to be on an emotional rollercoaster, but it will become very tiring very quickly and any energy you have left will feel ike youre just trying to hold onto sanity for your kids instead of trying to also work on fixing your relationship and getting your head on straight again, as it were. Your H needs to understand how you feel, and Im not sure he does or is trying to. Maybe you should show him that letter that Stampdaddy put up earlier, I thought it was a great and honest way of how Im sure many BS's must feel. Eventually, you WILL have to stop asking questions once he HAS answered all of them, or you will never be able to move on from it, but it's been so little in terms of time, and Im not sure you've moved along the healing path at all really, it's like you've been grasping onto your sanity for your children, and not wanting to make your H "mad", but have spent very little time trying to accept your own feelings and they are normal and ok , as long as you address them. You need someone to talk to in real life....good friends can be helpful, as can family if you're close with them, but if youre not comfortable with them a therapist would be ideal.... Understable if you dont have insurance and/or financial means to pay for that right now, but many places often have sliding-scale fees for IC. Don't know where oyu live but in NY there are quite a few. I think the cost would be worth it when compared to the mental relief you might get out of gaining a new perspective on how to approach your situation, which I think you are lacking. You need to learn to be firm without being abusive, because H will not want to listen, he'll retreat. But you do have a right to be honest, upfront, and ask whatever you feel will help you to get over it, and he really should be more patient about it. Perhaps discussing the possibility of divorce with him might open up his eyes a little to the fact that you really are considering leaving him if he doesnt help you get through this, because you can't live like this any longer. No one should have to live in limbo, it sucks.
KismetGirl Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 PS- by the way, if you think your kids won't notice mom is a wreck just because you don't cry in front of them....you are sorely mistaken. They will realize it very quickly if they haven't already. If it helps you to think of them in moving yourself along and taking a more prominant role in your healing, then think of them. But you have to do something....sitting around thinking too much is the worst thing in the world. Trust me, I do it all the time. It's a sense of being frozen, and at the end you've gotten nothing done and let someone walk all over you when you need to be strong. It's exhausting to be "strong", but not nearly as exhausting as being a doormat....
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Sorry Dex - she said she does have kids... My bad...the allergy meds are messin' with my head today. While browsing quickly I thought it read I have no kids....*head spinning*
Tired03 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 It happens I certainly have been guilty of misreading a time or two in the past.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Dexter, I know you get mad, but don't read so fast ;-) She DOES have kids, both teen and younger. Ya, I know, I read fast, and am light headed today. Excuse me now for a moment...I think i need to She HAS tried to tell the OW's H, and the H did not want to call her back. Then she did what she had to do. it is up to the OW's H to take what he wants from that. I think her focus should be on , and Im only speculating here, but it seems she's afraid if she "puts up a fuss" about asking questions , and he gets mad, I think inside she's secretly afraid he'll just decide to leave her. Well whether she wants to think it or not, I feel that would be a good thing for her. Because if that is the way he is after he cheated...he shouldn't be getting mad at her...he should be humble as hell and do whatever it takes to make her comfortable in her own house again. He needs to realize that HE is the one in a position to lose things, not her, and I don't think he's looking at it that way. She is, however, its evident from how she writes that she's more afraid of losing her family than he is. It could be he is one of those alphamale types and thinks that he has her where he wants her and she will do whatever he wants and probably thinks the very same thing you thought....he probably thinks, "she won't leave me, but I bet she is scared I will leave" He has too much power. She def needs to give him ultimatums, and tell him she'll ask questions until she feels comfortable with it, but part of her insecurity inside is what is making her disatisfied with any answers he's already given. She needs to go into IC and MC with hubby to address all angles. Not everyone just gets angry , Dex I know...but thats where I come in. I'd be glad if I thought i could help someone stand up, grow some cahones, and just get downright angry and stop being a doormat to their cheater. some people, when they are hurt, they WANT to be mad but instead they become submissive and almost afraid of losing the very person that wronged them, even though its the other person who should be asking for forgiveness. I was the same way for about a week when I found out. But once the feelings of desperation and hurt started to subside, I got angry and started making her watch the kids while I went out and had fun for a change. Your H needs to understand how you feel, and Im not sure he does or is trying to. By him getting mad, I don't think he cares. I mean really, he cheated on her in the first place. Didn't care all that much to begin with. You need someone to talk to in real life....good friends can be helpful, as can family if you're close with them, but if youre not comfortable with them a therapist would be ideal.... I agree with this. She needs to get out with friends and talk about this or she will explode. That way she can get it out without trying to talk about it to Mr. A__hole so much.
Tired03 Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I know...but thats where I come in. I'd be glad if I thought i could help someone stand up, grow some cahones, and just get downright angry and stop being a doormat to their cheater. Being angry isn't the only way to get some cajones. *smile* Not all anger is productive, and not all productivity comes from anger. In fact, I think anger is not a very useful tool - although some certainly find it so. My belief is that anger only destroys the one who is angry. Now, that being said, what would be useful to this poster is to love HERSELF. Listen, you're a good person, you deserve the love and comfort of someone who loves you. Realize that regardless of whether you looked like a supermodel (or not), he would cheat on you - it's NOT you. It's him. Take it one day at a time, look in the mirror, and think to yourself - I have more value and self worth than to let him hurt me in this fashion. Talk to your friends, read a book - read articles on marriagebuilders, divorcebusters etc. Post here about how you are feeling. And when you are ready, either force him to confront the issue (a la marriagebuilders) or decide to leave. But YOU are in control of this situation. Not him.
Author emotionbankrupt Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Me again. Thank you for your insight. You are correct that some days I am afraid he'll leave other days I wish I WOULD leave. My "kids" one high school one college both live at home. They are far to smart for their own good and know somethings not right in Denmark so to speak. He is rather Alpha male-ish I guess but not to the point where he has a "woman has her place" mentality. He does help around the house etc... before and after his affair. (yuck) It is all rather pathetic really why I would be worried about him leaving. I dont get it either. I will check into some sort of therapy.. If they do the sliding scale thing I think my mental health is worth it. Somedays I truly think I am going insane.Today is a good day though! I dont feel horrible. I guess you never really think it will "happen to you" or "your marriage". All I have to say is Damn. If I had to equate what I felt like when I found out, I would say it felt the same when one I was told one of my parents had died. It was THAT BAD. Somedays still is close. I dont like to talk about this to anyone, because I am embarassed. Like there was something wrong with me. I need to find a way back to me I guess...
Recommended Posts