taknightta Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Okay, I'm in the process of a divorce (separated for over a year, semi-separated for a year before that, divorce is just in the legal waiting process, all the details are worked out, and it's a very friendly and amicable one). I'm in my early 40s with two kids. Shared custody. My STBX-wife and I get along better now than before, and I think our divorce is going to be a wonderful success. I've been seeing a girl for a bit over a year. She's divorced, mid-30s, with one child. For the last 5 years she's been seeing another guy too - non exclusively on both parts. He's married, but has been estranged from his wife for that whole time. He's also 28 years older than she is. I was pretty much okay with the fact that she and I haven't been exclusive. It alleviated the pressure on me, because I knew I didn't have to worry about too much pressure to move our relationship to a new level too soon. But here's what's going on....I'm ready. Ready to start introducing our kids together, ready to start seeing how we would all work together as a new family. But the other guy found out about us (he knew there was no promise of exclusivity, but he didn't know any details - he snooped through her email and found an old message from me), and he's pulled out all the stops. He'd promised for years to marry her, but until this happened, he just somehow never got around to it. Now all of a sudden he's "separated, telling his kids, etc..". He's got quite the lifestyle - homes in a few countries, travels a lot, and I'm sure that this is quite the attraction. I'm well off too, but with small kids, don't have the same sort of flexibility to up and fly overseas for a weekend. She loves him. She loves me. I think she's been very honest and straight forward with me, and has hidden most everything from him. She feels like she's got 5 years invested in this other relationship, and that she has to give it a try, despite the problems she already knows are in the relationship. I'm the one she trusts, the one she respects, but he's got this long-term history with her, and has a relationship with her kid. She's not a gold-digger, but she did grow up in a very privileged home, lived in several different countries as a child, and is used to a lifestyle that is more global. In 10 more years, when my kids are off in college, my lifestyle will shift to something more like what the other guy can provide today. She's moving to a new apartment, and he's more-or-less moving in with her while she gives her relationship with him one last try. (I say more-or-less, because he travels at least 50% of the time). I've already told her that if she's taking her relationship with him to a new level like this, I can't continue to see her in any way but as a friend. So I'm struggling with this right now....do I go no-contact? Fight? I'm ready to fight, but at the same time, I want her to know for sure that this old relationship is really done. Just wait and see what happens? It's the not knowing that is killing me. Any advice?
Athena Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 So I'm struggling with this right now....do I go no-contact? Fight? I'm ready to fight, but at the same time, I want her to know for sure that this old relationship is really done. Just wait and see what happens? It's the not knowing that is killing me. Any advice? Come down hard on her. Tell her you are disappointed in her and you don't want to see her. Doing anything else will be giving her your tacit approval and permission to treat you like a runner-up. If you want her to respect you, you must respect yourself. By the way, with this other MM of hers, I HIGHLY doubt its going to work out... the fact is that he's had her as a side dish for the past five years without any sort of commitment -- not even one of exclusivity(!), all the while traveling 50% of the time, which easily gives him the opportunities to cheat on her, and you know he is highly capable of that... since he is stringing her along for years. So -- the way I see it is that it is not going to work out for her. It appears that the only reason why her MM is 'fighting' for her is that he's just found out about his 'competitor' and is manipulating her with whatever he thinks she will be tempted with. I think its a poor justification for her to give you the excuse that she's "invested" five years with him, and only one year with you, and THAT is why she is going to give him a try... methinks you are being kept as the man to fall back on... all a wonderful boost to her ego, without giving up anything. Basically she is not choosing YOU first... you are second... and if she chooses you as Second Place -- even if she eventually comes back to you, don't think that she cannot in the future run off with someone else better than you. If you want to have ANY chance with her, you have to make her respect you, and this you do by giving her a KICK out. She will pretty quickly rethink her options and either choose YOU now, or him. What do you think?
2sure Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Its sounds cliche, but actions do speak louder than words. Regardless of whatever words aka reasons she gives you: She is moving in with the other guy. She has been honest with you and not hidden him from you. She has not been completely honest with him and hidden you. You see that as her valuing your relationship more. Some would see it as she didnt mind risking her secondary relationship - but took pains to not put her primary relationship at the same risk. No Contact. You can wait for her to make a decision - but really, she already has. She has decided to keep things the same - to have both. You as secondary and the man she shares her home & child with as primary. Bail.
Reggie Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Sounds like she has done the cost/benefit analysis and he won. How do you fight that? The result is based on her subjective impressions and her values. You can't fight that. Look for someone that thinks you are number 1. I'd bail asap.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Why are you being her backp plan??? WTF is wrong with you! there are single women out there! she aint the end all, be all. Esepcially when she's putting some other clown before you. man please let the trick go.
Lucky_One Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Why do you want to continue a friendship with her, after she treats you like this?
KismetGirl Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I dunno man, she hasn't made any indication that she values you at all. She's been "honest" with you about seeing someone else, but all you seem to be is the back=up plan in case he doesn't work out. And reallly....if she's in her mid-30's, and he's 28 years older than her...he's going to be damn near 70 when she's barely 40. Ew to that. Plus, he travels alot and can likely cheat on her. Frankly they sound like they deserve each other....he only "commits" once she makes him jealous by telling him about you???? How do you know she wasn't trying to make him "commit" all this time, and kept you around just to make him jealous at some point, and as a back-up plan in case her bid to win him didn't work? You seem like you are making lots of excuses for her...eg- oh, well, I can't give her the "global" living she's used to because of my kids, etc etc. None of that would matter if she really loved you or wanted to be with you at all. This other guy won't be giving her much global trotting when he's like 80 years old and she's only in her 50's anyway. I love to travel and I would like the idea of someone who could whisk me away, but when it comes down to it I would want to be with someone who I really love, not just someone who can take me on trips ASAP. Using your kids as an excuse for her behaviour is silly. And, the length of time spent with him vs. you is also a cop-out. If she wanted to be with you it wouldnt matter that youve been around one year and him five. She's obviously decided its him who she wants (god knows why....the thought of dating someone older than my own father would gross me out). She does not seem to have much respect for you truth be told. ...tell her you don't want to be second best, wish her luck, and move on. Find a woman who appreciates you and your children, and won't only want to be with you when you can dump the kids and take her on trips around the world. What kind of a woman like that would you want around your children anyway? And isn't her kid only like, 5 years old anyway? Excuses excuses. Go find a woman who isn't hell bent on having some rich old fart whose soon due for a bottle of Viagra, and find someone who actually wants to be with you. When someone wants you, they dont have to "choose" like this, by comparing notes, who can take me out more, etc etc. IMO....you can do alot better. Or maybe you cant, I dont know, but to be frank, nothing you've said about her makes her sound remotely attractive as a human being. but then again, who knows, this is only an internet forum. But really, why would you want to be second best? She has nothing holding her back from choosing you. She is not married, and just because her kid might know this man a little longer doesnt mean he's better for her. He's more of a grandfather to that kid than a father figure! Tsk tsk. Good lucky my dear....you can be "friends" with her if you want, but after the way she's treated you like the back-up man all this time, why would you want to be???
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