gormley Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hi My wife has moved out over 3 weeks ago saying she needed space and that she has lost herself. We've been together for 11 years (but only married for 16 months!) and have 2 children ( 6 & 3). We had been thru a lot of stress last year which had made me very depressed and I hit rock bottom before I got the help I needed. I still managed to work and support the family throughout but was not great to live with for about 6 months. I've posted about this before and she is not seeing someone else. I accepted her moving out gracefully and have been calm. we sat down the other day and discussed a "contract" to review the separation after 3 months and we worked out finances and child care arrangements. She has signed the lease on a house for 6 months. She has moved out about 5 times before for between 2 weeks - 2 months but always to stay with her parents and has come back. I've asked her what she wants and she says she doesn't know. I'm stuck in limbo. Not sure whether to move forward or to patiently understand. I'm so sensitive to her every action looking for clues to how she feels it's driving me crazy. My emotions are all over the place - one minute accepting it all the next depressed and feeling lost and adrift. We had a holiday booked that we are going on in 10 days time and she has agreed to couples counselling, we hug and spend quite a bit of time together to make it better for the children. Its my birthday tomorrow and she has agreed to stay over (separate rooms) with the children. What's going on? Can anyone decode this?
flash582 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 What she's telling you is that you are not making her feel the way she wants to feel. You're trying to use logic in an emotional situation. The Councilor is a great start. But you need to do some work on You. How did you act when you first met? When you first married? You've changed and become a different person and she's not sure how to think about that person. You haven't given enough background about your wife to make a guess, but in this case it sounds like she's giving you an opportunity to pull yourself together. Look up Divorce 180 on Marriage builders ... Google it. And start doing what it says to do. No more whining. No more crying. No more wimpy stuff ... that's not going to get her back. The things they talk about in Divorce 180 works. Here's the list: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
LakesideDream Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Gorm, Well luck to you pardner. I know from your threads that this is what you are hoping for. There IS a chance that Neverland is in your future. Looking back, I'm not sure I wouldn't have welcomed the same attention "way back when" even knowing what I knew. It's good to have your wounds soothed. I hope you can guard your heart. You do remain in danger. Be careful, and please remember that when something seems to good to be true, they always are. Again, luck to you pardner, gawdspeed.
Author gormley Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Thanks for the list Excellent advice. Have been searching marriagebuilders.com but can't find article. Anymore leads? Do you have a link? I've been doing most on the list with a few slip ups but this is clear and I'm now resolved. Will let you know how it goes.
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