My life and its baggage

[Mr Regrets]

Well to start it off, I have been dating this girl for about 6-7 years. At first it was just a fling because she knew I had a girlfriend.Well fast forward a couple of years. My girl friend has my baby and this devastates my side girl but she stays with me.

 

Now me and my girlfirend have sort of a long distance relationship.We dont really see each other until the weekends. Now my side girl lives in the neighborhood and she basically used to cook and clean my house and also watch my older son (12) for me while I worked.

 

Now recently my side girl has told me that she is tired of being number 2 and she wants to be #1. I told her that I love her but I need to end it with my girlfriend on good terms so I can get visitation for my son and hopefully not pay any child support.

 

Well she says I think we need to stop seeing each other until you get your act together. I was like screw it go ahead and leave, thinking she would come begging back. Well she really did stop calling me and showing me the attention that I took for granted all these years.

 

So this is really getting to me. I try to talk to her and tell her that I do love her.But she standing by her guns. Here recently I have been the one doing all the contacting,text and calling and begging. I went by her house the other day and we talked. We kissed each other and hugged. I think she still loves me but she is starting to grow distant.

 

I took her out for dinner one day last week thinking that would get her back. But all it did was make it worse..She thinks the attention I'm showing her now will be short term and that I will go back to the way I was before.

 

I told her that,since she's been gone I really do see how much she meant to me and that I am positive I will be ending my relationship with my girl friend. Not fearing the repercussions.

 

I see now that this is the girl I want to marry. It took all this for me to see it. Now I think I have blown it. I found this site by searching and I am trying the NC.

 

I deleted her all her numbers,email and facebook. This is is really tough for me..Hell I actually cried.God I feel so bad I could just die.

 

I need help.I'm a blubbering idiot who has lost a good woman based on my own selfishness. I took this sweet girl who literally used to worship the ground that I walked on and pushed her away.I'm a bastard and I didn't deserve her. I'm a bad man.

 

I know this is a long post but it basically sums up the situation.

[hopesndreams]

I told her that I love her but I need to end it with my girlfriend on good terms so I can get visitation for my son and hopefully not pay any child support.

 

Seriously??? With a comment like that I won't be wasting my time replying to your situation.

[burningashes]

Kudos to your "side girl". Do her a favor and let her go- you haven't mentioned whether you ended your relationship with your girlfriend, and I'm guessing you haven't.

 

You haven't had to make a choice up till now. Choose already, you can't have it both ways.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Hes made his choice he just doesn't want to have to deal with pesky things like supporting his kid that he had with a women he was cheating on all along even before the poor kid was born!

 

I wonder what the "baggage" is in his life? what a selfish person you are yes you have been a bad/selfish man I wont argue that.

 

Good that your "side girl" finally found her sense of self worth shame she let things last as long as they did.

 

I hope your baby's mother finds out and takes you for all she can get..

[theBrokenMuse]

I have *plenty* of sound advice for those cockroaches who don't want to take care of their children however, it's not something I can repeat here and not get in trouble for it. I can give you a watered down version, however, that involves deadbeats such as yourself and oncoming traffic if you like.

[Mr Regrets]

Guys... You took the post the wrong way..I support my kids whole heartedly.. The child support comment was meant for us not to go to court but settle what we think is fair for both of us..

 

I'm by far not a dead beat dad..I just hate the though of a woman using child support as leverage against a man to get even with him..

 

I love my girfriend, I'm not in love for with her. Hell I bought her a Chrsyler mini van last year.

 

So what other advice can you guys offer to get me through this, knowing That I do take care of my kids..

 

I have my oldest son 95% of the time which has turned his grades around in school 180 degrees due to me having a more stabile house hold other than his mother.

 

The child support was in reference for my baby boy who is 3 and I'm currently with his mother now and thats who I want to leave on good terms.

[Mr Regrets]

Thanks for the replys..Give it to me straight

[2sure]

[QUOTE=Mr Regrets;2122601]Now my side girl lives in the neighborhood and she basically used to cook and clean my house and also watch my older son (12) for me while I worked.

 

I told her that I love her but I need to end it with my girlfriend on good terms so I can get visitation for my son and hopefully not pay any child support.

 

So, now that you know what your missing you realize she was the ONE and that you took her for granted.

 

You dont even mention the fact that you have been cheating on the mother of your child for years...havent learned whats wrong with that yet.

 

You want to support your child - but according to your terms, not the mother's or the courts. Wow, thats a new concept (not). Funny - most non custodial parents say this only when the state minimum happens to be more than they want to pay.

 

You need a babysitter / caretaker for your 12 year old and someone to clean your house during the week when your main partner is out of town.

[Mr Regrets]

Hence the term baggage..I have been cheating on my girl friend for awhile. We have had a rocky relationship to say the least. My problem was the fact her family basically ignores her and I just didn't want to leave her high and dry.

 

I know its hard to understand but I really hate making people feel bad. I decided to stick around and help her out financially. Now she's pretty much all caught up on her bills and I feel now is a good time to end it.

 

Like stated earlier I dont mind paying support. I just dont want her to drag me out of spite.

 

What I meant by cleaning and babysitting was. My side girl did help me out tremendously with those things. Other than that we have alot in common like electronics/computers and basically hands on projects. She helps me with my cars and bikes. She enjoys watching me race and going to the track. We drink beer together while watching PPV. The girl is my buddy and I miss her.

 

This life style has worn me down and now I'm ready to do the right thing. But as stated earlier I think I have really messed up bigtime.

[huck]

Mr Regrets..

 

Is this post some kind of wind up ??

 

If ive got this straight - you've been cheating on your girlfriend for years with this other girl whos now ditched you. And your now heartbroken that youve lost girly number 2..

 

Give it to you straight

 

I appreciate your upset - but in my eyes your a first class dork for cheating in the 1st place... Youve got no sympathy from me at all.

[EllieBean]

Leave your poor "side girl" alone, she's better off without you. You were seeing your other gf all the time you were with her, you even had a baby with your gf, so you clearly didn't want this "side girl". You only want her now you can't have her, because she saw sense and ditched your sorry ass. I can fully understand why she doesn't believe your promises to leave your gf - this has been going on for years and you haven't left her yet.

 

If you don't want to be with your gf, you should break up with her, regardless of whether this other girl still wants you or not. If you're in love with someone else, you shouldn't be with your gf - in any case she deserves someone better considering that you've cheated on her for several years. I hope your gf finds out you've been cheating and takes you for every penny - because you are a bad man, and you deserve every hurt she can inflict upon you.

[Mr Regrets]

You're right. She does deserve someone better than me. I have been carrying this guilt on my shoulders for years and it weighs a TON.

 

People do change right??? Theres nothing I can say. I have been been dishonest and I'm finally airing my dirty laundry. This might not seem like much to you guys but this small step is really helping. I didnt have anyone with a unbiased opinion to spill this out to,until I found this forum.

 

All I can do is read all of your reply's and sit back and map out a plan to get back on the right track.

[2sure]

OK. You are entitled to change your life again, get on the right track and maybe even get your girl back. You are looking for advice.

 

My previous post may sound harsh, but it points out that the first thing and most important thing you need to do is:

 

Change your perspective.

 

Its not about you. Make it about her, make it about your kid, make it about everyone else. IN YOUR HEAD.

 

Eventually you will find that you are the one that benefits most from this.

[EllieBean]

Okay, well if you definitely don't want to be with your gf (seems that way, given that you've been cheating on her for years and you're in love with someone else) then end it. Find a new place to live, and make whatever arrangements are neccessary to visit and support your child. Even if this other girl doesn't want you, it seems like you shouldn't be with your gf, because you don't really want her.

 

At this point your other girl will see that you mean business and are serious about being with her. If you shower her with attention and flowers etc then maybe she'll give you another chance - but you won't be getting another chance unless you really show that you are leaving your gf. If your other girl still doesn't want you, at least you're no longer trapped in an unhappy relationship with your gf, and you can look for someone else and start fresh.

[Mr Regrets]

Well my side girl and I basically called it quits. I was prepared to leave my girlfriend and give her 100%. I admit since we have been having problems for 2 months I recently started treating alot better than I previously had.

 

She told me that I should have been treating her like that in the past. I told her I couldn't give her 100% because of my grifriend situation but now I'm ready to break it off with her and this is how I will be treating you from here on. Well that basically backfired on me. As previously stated she thinks it should have been like that years ago.

 

Why when we change to give a woman what she wants they tell you its tool late. WTF????

 

I have told this girl things I have never told another woman. I have revealed things from my heart that I didn't think I had in me.

 

I wanted her to be my wife and I have never said anything like that before. But all she says is she feels differently about me now.

 

My heart sank as I typed those words. I never thought I would ever hear that come out of her mouth.

 

I tried th NC thing but i couldn't help myself. All I did was beg, plead and look like a fool even more.

 

Am I being punished, God I feel bad. I'm a man I'm not suppose to cry, I'm suppose to shake it off and move on. But its not that simple. Now I'm faced with seeing her drive by my house to go down her mothers and remembering what I had.

 

How can I deal with her being with another man. Thats is the hardest part.

 

Lord give me strength to get through this.

 

 

***************

I got one last thing to say..I had started writing in a little diary about what was going on and my feeling about my sidegirl.This was sort of my ghetto therapy to get me by. After she called it quits lastnight I gathered the few pages I had written and placed them in the mail box to let her see that I was for real in everything I had told her.

The mail hasn't ran yet,so my question is. Should I get the papers back and not send them or should I let it go so when she sees them she will know that this was by all means the real deal.

 

Am I making myself look more dumb by doing this?

 

What are some opinions.

[Mr Regrets]

Welp the mail ran today. I thought it had already ran but I was wrong. So she's going to get the little diary of the past few days I had been writing about.

 

I have been reading on the site about NC and I feel that I have made a mistake by mailing that letter. I dont want to seem more weak even though I'm dying inside..

 

I swear I've shed a couple of tears today. This NC thing is so hard..I dont know how I'm going to make it through this..

[letters]

Buy a ring, go to her, get down or your polygamy knees and ask her to marry you. If your feelings for her are genuine, and you meant it when you said you wanted her to be your wife, then nothing should stop you from proposing to her and choosing happiness again. I was so irritated at the phrase "side girl". WTF is wrong with you?

[Ayla]

1. I do not condon cheating in anyway shape or form. And really I think you know that you deserve what you have gotten. And seriously - your "side girl" is not much better. What type of woman will sit there and knowingly allow someone to cheat on their gf - no matter what the circumstances???????

 

2.You have still not mentioned if you have split up with your g/f or not. Before you do anything else asap - you need to break up with her. Do not keep her hanging around just as a convenience to you.

 

3. You need to be single for a while. That means no casual flings and no serious flings....nothing to do with women.

 

4. Although I do not think much of your side girl at all - the reason she wanted something and then you "changed" and now she doesn;t want it....you have hurt her - badly. She needs time to get over that.

 

If you are serious about your side girl you need to prove it to her. Break up with your gf, be single for a while and then look into a relationship. She needs proof - you have not really provided this to her yet. You can tell her what you are going to do and why...then actually do it. She might after a while get over the hurt and see that you really do love her.

[Mr Regrets]

Well I made it through 1 day of NC. Starting on day 2 now, I must say I still feel just as bad, but thats to be expected.

 

I know from the way I have explained my side girl she doesn't seem like much. But she is a good girl. The only reason she stuck around so long is because of the thought of us getting together full time. She hated the situation from day one but she loved me so much that she put up with it for awhile.

 

Now, I guess it finally came to a head and I feel she's burnt out from the whole deal.

 

The other night I told her that. I was going to call my girlfriend, in my side girl's presence and break it off in front of her so she could see that I was for real.

 

But her mind was already made up. So I think no matter what I did would've made much of a difference.

 

Do you think once she gets over her anger and hurt she will come back?

 

This has been a lesson for me. I never want to go through this kind of pain again. I must say though it will make me a much better person because I have taking things for granted.......... No more.

 

Currently I am still with my girlfriend. After things fell through with my side. It kinda put things on hold. I know you said go ahead and end it with her now but quite frankly I just dont have the emotional strength to do it at this time.

 

I need to get through some of this pain before I feel I will have the strength to hurt someone else. I hope that makes sence?

[Ayla]

I still do not think much of a woman who sleeps with someone else when they are taken...sorry.

 

You can only try, and it is better to have tried and lost than not tried at all - but from a female point of view - if it were me, I would be hurting like mad and the longer you leave breaking up with your girlfriend - the more it will be ingrained in the side girls head that you have not changed at all...which will therefore lessen the chances of ever wanting you back.

 

Not wanting to break up with the girl that you are no longer in love with because you are going through so much pain due to your ex side girl....that is selfish. You need to do it for the following reasons:

1. You do not love her. Womens intuition is pretty strong and I am sure that she has seen signals left, right and centre. If you do not love someone anymore there are generally signal or there is a feeling (unless you wer ein a situation like mine where there was none) Better now than later - it will be less of a betrayal than what it already is.

2. You need to do it for yourself. You can not rely on others to make yourself feel better. Be honest with yourself...are you also hanging onto her cos you don't want ot be alone?

3. If you really love your ex side girl - you need to start proving it straight away.

4. Most importantly there are your kids - and I fully believe that you only want what is best for them. I am sure they can feel the tension and that something is wrong with Mummy and Daddy. It is not good for them...as long as they understand that it is not any of their fault.

 

Come on!!!! - if you love this woman like you say you do - step up to the plate. prove it to her. people make mistakes - massive ones - you can become a better person and learn from it and grow from it....

[Mr Regrets]

Buy a ring, go to her, get down or your polygamy knees and ask her to marry you. If your feelings for her are genuine, and you meant it when you said you wanted her to be your wife, then nothing should stop you from proposing to her and choosing happiness again. I was so irritated at the phrase "side girl". WTF is wrong with you?

 

It's funny you should say that. After we went out to the other night we went by the mall and I told her I wanted to buy her a friendship ring. Just a little something to let her know that I really love her. Well we picked out the ring and I bought it.

 

She seemed happy at first but I could tell that things were not quite right. Later she told me that I should have did that years ago and she didn't want the ring.

 

I told her that I couldn't give her a engagement ring just yet while I was still involved with my girlfriend. Thats why I wanted to give the friendship ring for the mean time. I told her that I didn't want the ring to be too flashy because that would take some attention away from the big engagement ring she would be getting in the near future.

 

As stated earlier that back fired on me too.

[letters]

I know!!!!! I'm a lady and I hate friendship rings! A girl that's head over heels for you, does not want a damn friendship ring, what do you want? a pal ? someone you can just be "friends" with? If you really want her, you'd break up with your "ex" already. Telling a girl to expect an engagement ring in the future, takes the fun away--- what's wrong with now? I'm not trying to push you into making this commitment, but if you are not willing to make it, then leave her be. "Friendship ring?"

[Mr Regrets]

I still do not think much of a woman who sleeps with someone else when they are taken...sorry.

 

You can only try, and it is better to have tried and lost than not tried at all - but from a female point of view - if it were me, I would be hurting like mad and the longer you leave breaking up with your girlfriend - the more it will be ingrained in the side girls head that you have not changed at all...which will therefore lessen the chances of ever wanting you back.

 

Not wanting to break up with the girl that you are no longer in love with because you are going through so much pain due to your ex side girl....that is selfish. You need to do it for the following reasons:

1. You do not love her. Womens intuition is pretty strong and I am sure that she has seen signals left, right and centre. If you do not love someone anymore there are generally signal or there is a feeling (unless you wer ein a situation like mine where there was none) Better now than later - it will be less of a betrayal than what it already is.

2. You need to do it for yourself. You can not rely on others to make yourself feel better. Be honest with yourself...are you also hanging onto her cos you don't want ot be alone?

3. If you really love your ex side girl - you need to start proving it straight away.

4. Most importantly there are your kids - and I fully believe that you only want what is best for them. I am sure they can feel the tension and that something is wrong with Mummy and Daddy. It is not good for them...as long as they understand that it is not any of their fault.

 

Come on!!!! - if you love this woman like you say you do - step up to the plate. prove it to her. people make mistakes - massive ones - you can become a better person and learn from it and grow from it....

 

 

The answer to #2 is yep.I'm kinda hanging on because I dont want to be alone.

 

I understand what you're saying but God that is so hard to do right now. I know I'm being selfish but to be honest. If I did that now she would not let me see my baby boy and that would take me farther into hole of emotion than I would care to be.

 

Like I stated earlier I have been carrying this burden for awhile now its gotten much heavier recently.

 

I knew I would have to break it off but the timing is all wrong right now. Man, I hate I put myself in this position.

[Mr Regrets]

I know!!!!! I'm a lady and I hate friendship rings! A girl that's head over heels for you, does not want a damn friendship ring, what do you want? a pal ? someone you can just be "friends" with? If you really want her, you'd break up with your "ex" already. Telling a girl to expect an engagement ring in the future, takes the fun away--- what's wrong with now? I'm not trying to push you into making this commitment, but if you are not willing to make it, then leave her be. "Friendship ring?"

 

So you think even though I was tied up with my girfriend giving her a engagement ring would have been ok? I understand what you're saying but I thought that if I gave her a engagement ring that would make her even more angry and hurt so the friendship ring was what I thought a good compromise.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have did that.Maybe it was a mistake. Women are so hard to understand.

 

 

I dont know. This is unchartered territory for me. This was my first time doing something like that and I thought I was making the right decision.I guess not. All I did was push her away even more.

 

I'm just a bum.

[letters]

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, please know that I understand you are hurting, I want to believe that she loves you and she just got tired of being #2. Often times, when the crush is strong, girls would overlook even the wrong things... When she stayed with you as #2, she did that because she was hypnotized...lol. Okay, she woke up from the hypnosis and suddenly felt like she oughtta stop this. Now it's left for you to ignite the hypnosis again. Do something to "catch" her again. I hope you know I am smiling as I write this. You'd feel better only after you have exhausted every measure to convince her.... Remind me again why you haven't broken up with your girlfriend?