writergal Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 This morning I texted my ex (despite my best intentions at NC), asking him to call me sometime this week so that I could talk to him about the break-up, and explained how difficult it's been for me not knowing why it happened as quickly as it did. I didn't expect a response but he texted me back to either call him or stop by. So, being in new and uncharted territory before with an ex like this, I went to dinner then called him, and asked if I could stop by, because I had plans later tonight that I intended to keep with friends (which I did too). He buzzed me into his apartment, made me a cup of tea and then we chatted for about 15 minutes on trivial matters before I got down to brass tacks. Very quickly he confessed to me that he broke up with me over the phone because he got scared. He said that the relationship moved far too quickly for him, and had planned to talk to me about slowing it down around New Years, but I beat him to the punch by over-reacting and finding text messages on his cellphone between himself and his female coworker, whom he claimed is only just friends with and that she has a boyfriend now. So, he felt guilty that I gave him an easy out by over-reacting, because he felt horrible about how strong my feelings for him had become, versus his just remaining in the "very attracted to you" and "care about you a lot" zone. I asked him to explain the subtext of all those "I love you's" he delivered to me on a daily basis, to which he replied were terms of affection and that he didn't really feel we had time to establish a friendship or level of trust that comes before real love can be established. Well, we went back and forth, each clarifying our sides to each other, never arguing or raising our voices. Just conversation. Then, he said he still liked me, didn't know if he wanted to date anyone but he still wanted to see me. I said I can't be his friend with benefits because I still have feelings for him, but if he was really serious, I would be willing to give "us" a second chance and just slowly get to know each other again, this time with clear, established boundaries and take things really slow. Now I agreed to this reconciliation because I saw several friends and my sister be successful with their own significant others who went through break-ups and reconciliations before each getting married. All I can think about right now is about tomorrow and what may come. I am satisfied that I got the answers I was seeking from my ex, about why he treated me the way he did and I owned up to my own bad behavior as well, so it felt like a very cleansing conversation. But I'm not jumping in with both feet this time around, either. I refuse to get excited or raise my expectations. I need to stay grounded and that is going to be the difficult part. I can see where my ex is coming from finally and I understand him a lot better. I still think he has a lot of commitment issues and emotional issues to work out before he's ready to date anyone, let alone me again. But I am relieved that our conversation went so well tonight, and I was able to keep my plans with friends and meet them afterwards. I didn't bother my friends with too many of the details either, but instead just focused on an evening out to have fun. Whatever happens. I'm proud of myself for pursuing my ex to get answers that now help me understand why he behaved the way he did when we dated for 3 months.
EllieBean Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 So... you were in a relationship and he claimed to love you, but you caught him (possibly) cheating with a coworker, so he dumped you without even having the decency to do it face-to-face. Now the coworker has a bf and doesn't want him, so he's come crawling back to you... but wait, he never loved you (and so was lying to you) and doesn't actually want you back, he just wants to "see you"! You said he doesn't want to "date" you, he just wants to be friends with benefits... but then you said you "agreed to this reconciliation" even though he already said he doesn't want to date you... but then you said "he has a lot of commitment issues and emotional issues to work out before he's ready to date anyone, let alone me again"... So which one is it? Are you reconciled or not? It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it... he wants you back, but just as a f**k buddy... lucky you! If a guy was dumb enough to dump me he wouldn't get a second chance, because I could never trust him again.
Author writergal Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 He wants a f*ck buddy. I told him that I don't want to be a "friend with benefits" to him. When you lay it out clearly as you have with your post, I can see how idiotic my post sounds. I did accomplish what I wanted to last night with regards to getting more information from my ex. Are my ex and I reconciled or not? Yes, and I'm not going to pursue him at all. It was hurtful to hear him say he didn't really love me but those were words of affection. I think deep down I knew he was right -- that we rushed into the relationship like two fools, and it would have crashed regardless of whether or not I over-reacted to his withdrawn behavior, because he said he knew then he wasn't ready to make a commitment to me even though it seemed on the surface that we were in a committed relationship. In reality, I think he needs to be alone and be single because he was married for 10 years and I was the 2nd gal he dated. He rushed things with me, regret it, then I over-reacted and gave him an easy out which hurt me more in the end. Now that he's been single for 4 months, he told me last night he feels a lot better, calmer. He claims he doesn't want to date anyone right now and who am I to believe/disbelieve him anyway. He's not my boyfriend anymore and the feelings I developed for him were real, and I will just have to let those feelings go, now that I know they weren't truly reciprocated. I do think he likes me beyond the friends-with-benefit label and I don't think I'm being delusional here. Also, he didn't try to put the moves on me last night which says a great deal. Most guys I know would try to make out/have sex with an ex if the opportunity came up, but he didn't even try. When I hugged him goodbye, I could feel him shaking, and he acknowledged it. My sister dumped her husband 3x and they went through the "friends" phase off/on for a few years before finally committing to each other and getting married. Part of me holds out hope that my ex and I will go that route - this time really taking things slow and hanging out without any of the physical to get in the way. The other part of me feels satisfied with the information I got last night and wouldn't be hurt or shocked if I never heard from him again, because we ended our talk on such a positive note.
EllieBean Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Reconciled means that you got back together - I take it you're not using it in this sense? It seems that you made your peace with him, but you're not in a relationship and you both think that he needs time alone. That sounds fine, as long as you're not going to get your hopes up about him eventually wanting you. It sounds like you're going to try to be friends and hang out if possible - I think this would be painful for you if you love him, and perhaps it would be better to have NC until such time as he feels ready for a relationship with you (if ever).
Author writergal Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 I shouldn't have used "reconciled" because that does imply he and I are back together, when the truth is, we are not back together. I meant that we were able to resolve the confusion between us. It really helped me to talk to him face-to-face about the relationship and the break-up. Yes, I made my peace with my ex-boyfriend. Yes, I still have feelings for him. I can't just turn those off, unfortunately. I actually feel more relaxed now having contact again with my ex, than NC. And I'd rather be a casual friend than lose contact with him, because the future remains to be seen. And if he's not interested in reconciling with me, at least I tried. When I met him we had amazing chemistry immediately. Do you know how rare those types of connections are? And not just the physical kind of chemistry. But you are right. It is a little painful to be in limbo with my ex, versus completely detached and unaware of each other. But I've seen reconciliations work with my sister, cousin and a few friends and their significant others. It's not an overnight process and takes time, patience, lots of communication, compromise and most importantly commitment from both people. Last night I called my ex to thank him for meeting me. He called me back and we had a nice chat about trivial topics. This is the first step with getting reacquainted with each other. It would be weird and silly for me to expect him to send me daily emails, texts right now because we're not at the beginning of a relationship. It's only been a few days of contact again, after 4 months of NC. I don't want to overwhelm him either, so I'm not emailing or texting him. And I"m not going to sit and wait for him to call me either. I don't know how to play those dating games and frankly, I don't want to even try. I just want to try to be realistic; keep my own feelings in check when I start to feel like being impulsive towards him and not follow through on those impulses. That will be the biggest test for me. I think it's easy to be impulsive when you're in an emotional state of mind. The trick is to find that balance between emotional, rational, and wise mind. Sometimes you have to be one, other times its' best to find a happy medium. I just know I can't give up on this connection with my ex just yet.
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