I just don't know now...

[Monogatari]

I apologize if this gets long. This is my first time posting anything, by the way. So, hi.

 

I really don't know how to start. Maybe I should explain how I am first.

 

I've always been the type of person seeking acceptance and attention. Its been a long time since I've been invited to go anywhere collectively with a group, but when I was invited, I was usually the one ignored or talked over. It wasn't as if I didn't say anything or didn't fight to be heard, but it just becomes overwhelming when everyone keeps talking over you constantly. Also, people have told me many times that I am unattractive, depressing, annoying, and just overall unpleasent. Because of this, I suppose, I've never been on a date or have had any intimate relationships. So, I'm a loner. I used to have two very close friends, but they're pretty much inactive in my life now. I'll explain it in a bit. But when I do have to talk to people, I'm usually the one to joke a lot. People find me funny and I guess I am when the time is right. Still, I don't think my voice is ever heard. People tolerate me but don't really value me. I do my best to be kind, helpful, and personable, but its been hard. It still is.

 

My first friend, Friend A, was someone I met right after going through some hard times in my life. Though we didn't have very much in common, we stuck by each other and she became the only real friend that I could ever rely on. At the end of one school year long ago, she wanted to go to this one school that had a pretty bad reputation and nothing there that interested me. Nonetheless, because she was the only person in my life worth doing anything for, I followed her to that school. We didn't have the same classes and we were both swamped with work. Even when we had time, we never managed to see each other. These days, she's just a lingering person who makes an appearance every once in a while. She is a lot different now and, as much as I hate myself for how I feel, I'm beginning to dislike her. I blame her for my current situation in life; drained, depressed, and overall unhappy. Though I know I should be able to help myself get over these things, nothing has worked and I'm still the same.

 

Friend B was someone I had met after going to this school. Friend A disliked this person and said that he was annoying. She suggested that I didn't talk to him, but I didn't follow her advice because she's the type of person to hate someone (and I really mean 'hate') without any reason. We had so many things in common and opened up to each other after a while. It began as just discussing interests, but it became much deeper after a while. Our hopes, fears, skeletons, and souls were shared constantly. We couldn't bear to stop talking. Not a day went by where I hadn't at least spoken to him once. Whenever he went on vacation, we'd talk online mostly and he had told everyone he knew that I was his most favorite person in the world. All seemed well and I became hopeful. But before I go on, I'd like to note a few things:

 

1. Friend A somehow found herself a boyfriend and began talking to me less and less during this period. So, she was mostly oblivious until later.

 

2. Friend B is gay. I knew that since I'd met him. I never minded and I still don't, even after all that has gone on.

 

It had been my goal from day one never to look at Friend B as a love interest because of the hopelessness of it all. He was a gay guy. I'm just a girl. But there became something between us that couldn't be ignored from either parties. Being the person I am, I've wanted a boyfriend for who knows how long. I know I'm not 'Billboard Model' attractive or anything, but I know I'm not ugly. Plus, when someone gets to know me and my personallity, I'm not all that bad. But anyway, I'm somewhat desperate for some kind of intimate relationship. Not too desperate, but desperate enough. He was single at the time as well. Most people he knew that wanted to be with him only wanted to do so because he was the only gay guy that they knew. We both had a few laughs about it, but it was still the truth. He had crushes on a few guys, most that were straight, and tried to disregard them later. He's somewhat alright when it comes to the physical; actually not my type at all looks-wise, but I'm not shallow.

 

Things changed after one conversation. He told me that he had once felt an interest in girls and said that he had never actually been with a girl before. I was sort of taken back, but didn't want to seem too amazed about it. Most things he's said about the subject brought my hopes up but crashed them down pretty quickly. He went on to list this one girl that I knew that had moved away and I noted that she was 'very pretty'. He agreed but said, "Still, the only girl I'd ever want to marry is you." It pulled on my heartstrings, but I insisted on not taking it seriously. As he went on, he told me that he had strong feelings for me that he couldn't shake. He said that whenever he wanted to be with someone, he felt guilty because he sometimes wanted to be with me. When he said those things, I confessed. I told him that I loved him and that I always had. It was probably the dumbest move on my part. From then on, we became even closer. I spent the night at his house every night that I could (no, we didn't do anything sexual) and we shared the same bed. We would fall asleep in each other's arms and were virtually inseperable.

 

Since then, I began trying to get him to give me a chance. I asked him out multiple times. I told him I wasn't ever going to give up and that it was going to happen sooner or later. I began to cling to him, but always asked if I was being annoying to him. He'd say no, but I could tell that he was uncomfortable with me around. Soon, he began to hang out with other people, leaving me alone. I confronted him about it and became bitter whenever I was around him.I teased him, make rude comments, and said things I shouldn't have. He told me that he hated me one day. He said that I was manipulative, cruel, and that I was the scum of the Earth. But he said "Because I'm such a pushover, I'll probably stay friends with you anyway." It broke my heart. I told him that he was the reason I was bitter, that he made me feel worthless and unhappy. For a long time afterwards, I had to deal with many things from him; from sleeping with one of my male friends to talking about his crushes constantly while acting jealous of mine. He never asked me to sleep over individually anymore, only with his other friends who dislike me. Everything became awkward and he never talked to me. He didn't tell me things like he used to and I'd learn about something happening with him later than usual. All I had wanted was our old friendship back, which I had felt like I had destroyed. I texted him one night asking if there was a chance that we could ever be together and if he was 100% sure that it would never happen. He replied: "We could never be together. I don't like girls and you're just too moody." So, I started acting more like a friend and things seemed to settle.

 

Most recently, our friendship had mended. Its not like it used to be, but its better than what it had become. A few weeks ago, he aquired a boyfriend. He's very happy with him, but didn't want to tell me that he had one at first. I pretended to be alright with it, like it was nothing. I even put up with his gushing about him and all, while I secretly thought this dude was lame. I still care about him with all of my heart, but I understand that my chances of being with him are nil.

 

Now, both Friend A and Friend B have boyfriends and constantly ignore me. These days I go without talking to anyone for weeks. I've had other crushes, but I'm certain that they could never turn into anything. Since I'm practically the only one I know without someone close, I'm lonely. Besides that, I've blown what could have been a good academic career and lost whatever was left of my social skills. Its as if I have no future and it worries me. Everything I do seems to be for nothing. That, on top of having a few aquaintaces resent me for a silly mistake I make a week ago.

 

I just don't know what to do. Its as if I've lost what I've had and its mostly my fault.

 

I don't blame you if you didn't read it all, its probably a wall of text anyway. But, I tried to condense it near the end.

 

Feel free to give me advice if you want to. I certainly need it.

[EllieBean]

Friend A doesn't seem to be particularly close to you, and you don't see each other much. You need to stop blaming her for your choice of school: it was your choice and you made the best decision you could given the situation at the time.

 

Friend B is gay, and this is not going to change - he likes you as a person but he will never want a relationship with you. You spent a lot of time together because you were both lonely, but he started to feel uncomfortable because you were pushy about wanting a relationship which he didn't want. Thankfully you didn't lose him; you need to accept that he's gay and doesn't want a relationship with you, and value him as a very close friend.

 

If you don't see anyone for weeks, you need to do something about that. Get out there and join something - dance class, voluntary work, evening class, gaming club, anything - you'll meet people and make friends, will feel less lonely and lost, and will hopefully meet someone with whom you can have a relationship. You cannot rely on friends A and B, you need to develop your own social life. I'm sure you haven't fully blown your career either, and can pick yourself up and get a job that makes you happy. But you need to stop relying on other people to make things right for you, and go out and find a life for yourself. I'm speaking from experience here - I'm the quintessential quiet little geek, and I found that if I made an effort to join clubs, meet people and be nice to them, people did (shockingly) actually like me!

[Monogatari]

Thanks for the advice. I really want to try to rely on myself from now on, but its hard to let Friend B go. I want to just be his friend now, even though I still care about him a lot. Its hard because now that things are sorted out, we're going back to being the same again. Ugh, I feel so stupid for falling for him in the first place! I'm horrible! Anyway, I guess I'm going to have to try my best to move past it.

 

But on another note, I'm already in a multitude of clubs. Those people annoy me to death! Its starting to feel like work rather than fun. I know it sounds like I'm trying to make excuses, but thats just the way it is.

 

Is there anything else for me to do? Really, I'll do anything to change. This can't keep going like this. I'll lose my mind.