trellis Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I will make it short and brief. I am going to try and post to this thread often. This man and are were true deep friends, before adding in the sex, which grew to love for me. He never professed to be "inlove" be we had so much more than just a friendship with sex. I had heard the words "most amazing" "everything I could ever want" " his security" "his peace" "his best friend"we never fought or argued. He would even ask me during lovemaking to tell him I loved him, said at those times he could handle it. I know we were still both grieving past relationship, but took it slow, 11 months, never asking for or demanding a commitment of forever love, we did commit to never lieing or sleeping with other people. He had always said there was a time he would need "to have a time when he was not commited, entangled, involved" with anyone. He swears there is no one else. I believe him. We are beyond lies and games. How can I give him this space? How am I suppose to give him this time and space? How to stop the fear of losing the most amazing man I had ever met? How to be a friend? Where is the line? How to do the NC? When you have talked to a person everyday told them every secret in your soul?
Author trellis Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Would like to hear some wise words, Luckly my job is such that I can go in when ever I want, cant sleep, think I will pack a gym bag and go there after work. Guess I can physically try to kill the pain, if i cant do it mentally.
crisla Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 What you have with your 'friend' is complicated. You want more than friend relationship, correct? You need to find out if he has the same feelings as yours. If he is not, he is just using you for sex which is not good. It will hurt you in the end not to mention humiliated yourself. He is scared of commitment. Don't let him using you.
Author trellis Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 What you have with your 'friend' is complicated. You want more than friend relationship, correct? You need to find out if he has the same feelings as yours. If he is not, he is just using you for sex which is not good. It will hurt you in the end not to mention humiliated yourself. He is scared of commitment. Don't let him using you. No I dont think sex was an over bearing issue for us, he knows my feelings run deeper than his, I am lost, never asked or pushed for a commitment, I know we will see each other again if only casually because I still have his stuff, tools etc, room full of tools just dont know what I am suppose to do, I am past the major pendulum swings as i call them
Truly Lost Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Its terribly unfair of him to keep you in this type of relationship. He knows how you feel about him and he doesn't want that, yet still crosses the line. That completely displays a lack of respect for your feelings. Its amazing how he knows what it feels like to be in love and lose it, but has no problem being the person who manifests that same type of hurt for you. He is really selfish and clearly not in love. You're his crutch and when someone else comes along, that he falls for, you'll be history. Its destined to happen. Better to deal with it now then later. Its times like these that you have to be the stronger person and accept that if you can't have a real relationship, you have to put the breaks on. I think he feels completely justified in doing what he is doing because you are aware of how he feels and allowing it. Its good that you are friends, but you have to look out for yourself and your own feelings first. He is just giving you a taste of what it is like to be with him, but he isn't fully commited. You shouldn't sell yourself short. Life is too short for that type of nonsense. I'm sorry you have feelings for someone who doesn't want to share those feelings with you. At this point you must have a lot of resentment built up. But its your own fault.
Truly Lost Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I also wanted to add, that as long has you continue your "whatever" relationship with this guy, you won't meet anyone else. You might meet other people, but your heart belongs to this guy, so getting involved with someone else will be difficult. Mostly because you won't be motivated.
Author trellis Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Its terribly unfair of him to keep you in this type of relationship. He knows how you feel about him and he doesn't want that, yet still crosses the line. That completely displays a lack of respect for your feelings. Its amazing how he knows what it feels like to be in love and lose it, but has no problem being the person who manifests that same type of hurt for you. He is really selfish and clearly not in love. You're his crutch and when someone else comes along, that he falls for, you'll be history. Its destined to happen. Better to deal with it now then later. Its times like these that you have to be the stronger person and accept that if you can't have a real relationship, you have to put the breaks on. I think he feels completely justified in doing what he is doing because you are aware of how he feels and allowing it. Its good that you are friends, but you have to look out for yourself and your own feelings first. He is just giving you a taste of what it is like to be with him, but he isn't fully commited. You shouldn't sell yourself short. Life is too short for that type of nonsense. I'm sorry you have feelings for someone who doesn't want to share those feelings with you. At this point you must have a lot of resentment built up. But its your own fault. We are at the friends stage now, havent had sex in 2 months, he is a very smart man, when I admitted that I felt sex was a commitment (over 10 months) thats when it stopped, he says he wants a time to be by himself, only responsible for himself etc, I have moved on, but why walk into someones life and be so wonderful, just to drop the ball, I am fine the mood swings are getting fewer and farther between, yes I firmly believe life is to short, and could end at any second to be in pain and misery, one reason I divorced was I would rather be alone than be with someone I wasnt in love with any more. No resentment at all, we were best of friends and lovers, talked about any and everything, and still can, I never pushed for more than what we had, as I told him I will not be responsible for holding him back, holding him down, or keeping him from acheiving his goals. So I just continue to live one day at a time, like before, I am 15 months out of separation? divorce final 4 months ago so, I am probably still a little raw.
Author trellis Posted April 24, 2009 Author Posted April 24, 2009 update and thoughts?? What is it a few weeks later? He will text me almost daily? About nothing really important, He is looking to transfer as he has stated "he wants a time in his life that he is not commited, involved, or responsible for anyone but himself" He says he misses things about us? I do have some emotional times I try to keep them few and far between. I have not closed doors to meeting new people, I would do anything for him, and have told him "that part of giving him what he needs is easy, because I do love him" Just hope I am doing the right things, I am not a clingy needy woman, one of the reasons he was attracted to me, I am very independent, strong and can go on, I just would like it to be with him?? Any tips or advice ?? Thanks
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