Sleveless Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hey everyone... I'm not sure if I'm looking for guidance, or just taking this opportunity to vent, but here goes. I'd been seeing this girl for a year and change. This started off amazing! I met her in school and we had a lot in common. My then roomate had to move out at the time and I was stuck against a rock and a hard place, so after a month of seeing her, I decided to ask her to move in. Amazingly she said yes, and we'd been together ever since! We had a lot of classes together, and I think we made each other better academically, and as people during this time. She encouraged me with my biking group I'm a part of (http://www.cyclehalifax.com), and I tried encouraging her to take a more active role in her social activism, which surrounded around the homeless, marginalized, and otherwise disenfranchised. I'd never met anyone like her in my life! I finally thought my search for the "one" or my "soulmate" was over! I would have gladly put everything on the line for this person, and I feel that back then, she would have done the same for me. No questions asked. Last October is when things met a tipping point. One of my teachers was an absolute slut/cow/skank/(insert derogatory word here). She failed me after approximately 3 weeks into class (after 3 classes to be more exact). I was given no explanation as to why she felt this was required. I've since learned that what happened to me was not an isolate incident with this prof. Regardless, at the time, I was absolutely devastated. I tried turning to my lover for support, but she had a hard reaction and essentially told me to get over it and more on. My confidence was shattered, and I thought I would drop out, get a job and work off the $80 000 I had accumulated in student loans. At this time, she said something that cut through me to the core. It was like she thought of me at that time as the biggest chore to have existed. After a few weeks, I was able to carry-on, but then in January, the place I worked made it quite clear that they didn't want me around anymore and I had to quit. It felt like things were piling up and I had no control over anything anymore. I talked to my lady about this, and she said she would support me no matter what. So I concentrated on school until February rolled around. She said she'd been feeling some financial pressure, and encouraged me to get a job. I sent some resumes out and called some old bosses without luck. She then seemed to do a 180... went to Toronto to see a Britney Spears concert, brought me back gifts, burned through money like it was nobodies business. I thought that maybe she got some hands on some cash, and that things were gonna be alright until the summer when my old job would need help again. Last weekend rolled around and it was like the February argument came back with a vengance. She neglected me all week. I begged her to tell me what was wrong and if I could do anything. She said it wasn't about me until last weekend, when she decided that we would be better off apart. I wasn't old enough... we were two different people... I wasn't being responsible enough, etc etc etc. She's since been gone at her parents. I'm packed up and ready to go, and I feel like total ****... I don't think I've been this depressed since I was in high school. I threw out all our pictures and all the notes I ever wrote her, because I knew when the next guy rolled around, she'd show this stuff off, or look at it when she was feeling nostalgic. To top things off, I got along better with her family than I ever have with mine. I've pretty much turned my back on my friends because I just am not able to connect with them anymore. I feel like I have no one to talk to, and I just want to disappear from her life (and sort of erase her from mine) altogether. I know we will cross paths in the future... I still want to be the man she wants me to be. Am I dreaming here? Is this familiar to anyone?! Am I reacting to extremely?!? I just don't know how I can be with someone who can make me feel this terrible! Especially after being with this person for so long and having such a good relationship at the beginning. Can anyone toss me a bone here?
Thomas X Forever Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 It's safe to assume you've tried working this out right? You've told her how much you care and want her and the relationship? I assume it all failed? Next up, why haven't you worked? Did you keep searching for jobs nonstop, and if not, why not? That may be what she's referring to by you not being responsible. Or the **** is just crazy.
NINEBREAKER Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 It's safe to assume you've tried working this out right? You've told her how much you care and want her and the relationship? I assume it all failed? Next up, why haven't you worked? Did you keep searching for jobs nonstop, and if not, why not? That may be what she's referring to by you not being responsible. Or the **** is just crazy. what he said looks like you have alot of bad stuff goin on. i saved money by making my own drinks mostly mead. puting them in an old soda machine i got for 120$ at a junkyard. the kind you had to pull a handle next to the soda label and it came out right next to it. i charged myself 2$ a bottle where as store bought it cost about 1$. getting a job is hard. especially in this economy. i would take anything i could get. theres even stories of girls becomeing stippers due to the economy alone. curently i babysit small children. 10 bucks a day per kid.its not that hard. turn on cartoon network and let them sit in front of the tv all day. feed them at noon and then again at 5. on rare occasion i get asked to do odd jobs for freinds. like fixing computers and plumbing. that helps too. i always wanted to be a movie projectio guy. ever see the movie fightclub? you'll get what i mean if you have.
Author Sleveless Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Hey... Yeah I've told her endlessly what this relationship means to me, and what she means to me. The job thing is ****ed. I'm a nursing student, and we have to do these clinical rotations every now and then. So we had the fight about jobs and money in february and I sent out applications to nursing homes, to my health district about becoming a PCW in the hospitals, or a ward aid, or a ward clerk, or a sitter, or just cleaning staff. Obviously nothing elucidated from that. Even if I had an interview with any of these places... like these people know what my schedule would look like: "oh looks like he's just about to go into a 2 week clinical... then his exams start for another 2 weeks after... then his summer rotation starts so that's two months where we will only be able to use him on weekends, and he'll be unreliable throughout the week... So really, he can't work for us until July". Who in their right mind would hire someone like that?!? Probably why I didn't get any calls. Meanwhile, I'm about to get a student loan for the summer that I could use that would last me literally all summer. I also found out that I'm in a co-op that starts after my summer rotation is over, so I'll have a premium job until school starts (and with any luck, the Co-op would keep me for weekends). Meanwhile I had been asking her about about money literally up to the point that she gave me the heave ho, and she never said she needed anything, and that she wasn't upset because I still had no job. I told her I had $1000 in a mutual fund I had, and that I would cash it out in a second, but she said no she didn't think things had gone that bad. One week later and this happens. I get that I'm an idiot for not working... I mean I could have looked at other places. I guess I'm just frustrated that she wasn't honest with me when I asked her "ARE WE DOING OKAY? SHOULD I KEEP LOOKING FOR JOBS?". Meanwhile, when I entered into this relationship, I had a really great job, and she was unemployed waiting on loans in order to pay her bills and concentrating on school. I was paid super well, and supported her during this time. I guess it's do as I say and not as I do, eh? We talked recently and (of course) she wants to be friends. Here's my take on that: If you offer all of yourself to someone on a physical/emotional/financial/trust level and they reject you, how could you feel like you're worth anything at all when you are offering less? So I essentially said: you know what, it's been three days, and I miss you terribly. I haven't eaten since then, I don't sleep well anymore. I still love you passionately. The last thing I want is to be reminded of how I failed you, which is what a friendship would be to me. You're not a &^%$#, I just wouldn't be able to handle it. So that's how things are now.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Good you need to remain NC at all costs. You told her how much you care, and that's all you can do. Now you need to keep strict no contact and not back out for any reason. Let her come back. Manipulate her by not talking to her. Don't listen to anyone who says that's wrong, either.
Author Sleveless Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Well that's dynamite. She's an amazing women, hot too. The thing is, I don't want to manipulate her to get back in this relationship. I don't want to BE in a relationship with her again. I guess I should have put this post in the "Coping" bin. Blimey!
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