horseygrl14 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I am seriously thinking about seperating from my husband, but can't make a decision. We have been married a year now. We got married during my husbands 1 year deployment. He finished 3 months after our wedding and returned home to stay. After returning, due to several reasons, he was unable to get a job, and has not worked the past year. In the meantime, I took a big paycut, so we have been barely getting by. I've had to drown my savings, etc. In addition, he started drinking more and spending more time with friends then at home. I have caught him in many lies about where he has been spending money and how much, and in our situation, I take that seriously. Due to his inability to work, he has gotten more depressed and angry. When he has been drinking, we tend to get into arguments more often. I am starting to feel threatened as there have been two times he has been aggressive with me even though he feels that I have antagonized him. (He wanted to drive when he was drunk, and I tried taking the keys from him) In addition, he has attempted suicide 3 times, and has used it as a threat when I want to leave during an argument. I understand he is depressed ( I think he has PTSD) and this is very hard for him, but I also feel threatened, hurt and that I can't trust him, but do still love him for who he was before this started. I tell him I want a divorce but still feel guilty for leaving him when he's not well. Is it wrong for me to leave him when he's not well? Part of me just want to get on with my life and let him figure his stuff out since I can't fix it for him anyway. What do I do?
Ronni_W Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hugs. You are in a difficult position. Have you considered attending an Al-Anon meeting (for family/friends of alcoholics)? And checking with local community/family services about what counseling may be available for him and you, individually and as a couple? Or your hospital's mental health care department? That is, find out what resources and services are available to you and your husband. It seems as if you need some professional guidance -- on how to cope, and on how to help your husband get the help that he needs. You're right that you can't "fix" his stuff, but that doesn't mean that you can't be a stronger supporter. This is a time in your marriage when you can step up and "lead the team". At some future point, it may be his turn to do that, when YOU are 'down and out'. Wishing you both the best.
Biggie25x Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I agree with everything Ronni said and couldn't have said it any better. By your description of him, I would say he is screaming out for help and needs someone to show him how to get back on the right path. You can be there for him while he finds his way back. He has huge issues though and he clearly needs professional help in addition to what you can give him. Reach out and see if you can find help for him. If for nothing else you may find a way to help him find a way to help himself. Make sure you protect yourself, though. If his drinking makes him violent seek shelter elsewhere until he's in a calmer state. No one deserves to be abused.
BoatLord Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 You desperately need to get him to the VA and into counseling (If in the USA).
Darth Vader Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I am seriously thinking about seperating from my husband, but can't make a decision. We have been married a year now. We got married during my husbands 1 year deployment. He finished 3 months after our wedding and returned home to stay. After returning, due to several reasons, he was unable to get a job, and has not worked the past year. In the meantime, I took a big paycut, so we have been barely getting by. I've had to drown my savings, etc. In addition, he started drinking more and spending more time with friends then at home. I have caught him in many lies about where he has been spending money and how much, and in our situation, I take that seriously. Due to his inability to work, he has gotten more depressed and angry. When he has been drinking, we tend to get into arguments more often. I am starting to feel threatened as there have been two times he has been aggressive with me even though he feels that I have antagonized him. (He wanted to drive when he was drunk, and I tried taking the keys from him) In addition, he has attempted suicide 3 times, and has used it as a threat when I want to leave during an argument. I understand he is depressed ( I think he has PTSD) and this is very hard for him, but I also feel threatened, hurt and that I can't trust him, but do still love him for who he was before this started. I tell him I want a divorce but still feel guilty for leaving him when he's not well. Is it wrong for me to leave him when he's not well? Part of me just want to get on with my life and let him figure his stuff out since I can't fix it for him anyway. What do I do? Get him HELP NOW! Contacting the VA is a start, but, they may not have the ability to help him enough, see about some Individual Counseling for him, they should be able to either help him or refer him to someone who can! He sounds like he may have PTSD! Get him the help he needs, He does need you more than ever(just be there for him), he probably doesn't know how to convey that he needs help, the military probably has a thing where they told him to suck it up and drive on, there's been many articles on this. What your husband is going through is not only happening to him, there are many others out there like him. Remember, your husband has seen and perhaps done some things over there that are totally unspeakable to him, we can't imagine what he's been through, nor do we want to...........
Author horseygrl14 Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Thanks for the help. I have seen to it that he has become part of a counseling program for veterans. I have his parents involved too, so everyone is on board to help with that issue. However, my concern is I don't feel safe with him, especially when he is angry and he has done many things this past year that have broken my trust. I will help him as much as I can, but I feel like the basis of our marriage has been broken. So, that's where I feel torn on what to do.
Biggie25x Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 That's exactly what you took your vows for. You should never be unsafe and you should leave if you feel threatened with harm. HOWEVER, if your husband has been suffering from PTSD he has not been himself. You took him in sickness and in health. A year is not a long period of time and he has just started to get the help he needs. I believe if two people work together they can rebuild what they had. You need to be patient though and give him a chance to get back on his feet. You fell in love with him before, you can fall in love with him again. I believe in situations like this you choose who you love because you care for who they were. Sometimes your head needs to lead your heart. Maybe having a monitored separation is the way to go. That way you both have the space to gather your thoughts but you continue to see each other with the intention of getting back together. This will allow you both to have the space you need to pull yourselves together and work together to rebuild your marriage while at the same time healing your personal problems. It also doesn't abandon anyone in their time of need. The bottom line is that you said you took him for sickness and health, for better or worse. Not just when your healthy and everything is going well. You need to at least put effort into seeing if you can help him and rebuild the marriage.
ameeker Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 My ex was like that minus the suicide. It has been about a year, and I think that he is getting better. I have been considering returning to him. However, I am not sure if he has been considering it.
Darth Vader Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Thanks for the help. I have seen to it that he has become part of a counseling program for veterans. I have his parents involved too, so everyone is on board to help with that issue. However, my concern is I don't feel safe with him, especially when he is angry and he has done many things this past year that have broken my trust. I will help him as much as I can, but I feel like the basis of our marriage has been broken. So, that's where I feel torn on what to do. Then you need to see about Individual Counseling, and as soon as your hubby's able, Marriage Counseling. He hasn't hit you, has he?
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