cybersister Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 You must know by know he is not going to leave his wife. you did not need to ask the forum that. you do not want to lose your oldest and best friend. Why would you? He has not bailed out on you when you were engaged or in a relationship. So your choice seems to be to just continue with the scraps, which you do enjoy, or look elsewhere. Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, deep down you do not want a full time committed relationship ? there must be a reason your other attempts have not been successful. So for me the question for yourself is, if this is all there is going to be , do I keep it or not. My guess is you have asked yourself this a thousand times, and your answer lies in the fact that you are still there for him.- actions spaek louder than words
Author compassion42 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 cybersister-I wasn't really asking the forum if they thought he would leave his wife- I just was wondering if I should end things because It would feel so awful to lose my oldest and dearest friend yet I am not fulfilled as things stand.
Lostchances Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Long time lurker lured out of the bushes by this here thread. I have a question for you compassion42 . Two questions, actually. 1. Did you tell your fiancé (you wrote you were engaged) about your 16 year affair? Did you tell him it was even somewhat active while he was engaged to you? Allow me to expand. So, let’s say beyond all expectations and remotest probability you do end this long-term adultery once and for all. Let us postulate you finally do what even you admit would be the right thing. I wonder what kind of man worth his salt is going to want anything serious to do with a woman who has done what you have done for 16 years and counting? So, now finally being an honest sort, do you subsequently tell serious prospective new men in your life who you really are? Do you tell them the whole truth about you? Or do you pretend you never did this thing for so long. Pretend so that these new men will all unknowingly trust you? 2. What’s up with the user name? Compassion for who? MM? His BW? You? Me? There is a reason no other man has yet risen to your expectations. It’s called intermittent reinforcement. You are no different than Pavlov’s dogs, actually. This is not support, concern and happiness. This is pure him playing you like a flute and you liking it. OK, so three questions. Do you really, really and truly want him all to yourself once and for all? Truly and not just impotent wishing? Here is a sure-fire trick. Expose your affair to his wife and family. Expose and see what he does then. He may come running to you after all. Maybe. Right. I laugh. I have been there.
fooled once Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Is keeping his "friendship" worth living alone the rest of your life?
Author compassion42 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Lostchances- No, I didn't tell anyone about the 16+ year A-why do you ask? As for the name Compassion-it is actually a quality that I TRY to possess. Yes, I know I am not demonstrating it towards the W but I do in many other aspects of my life. And yes, I would love to have him all to myself...but I would never go and tell the W about the A. I highly doubt that would be a positive turning point in the A. Glad you came out of lurkdom, Lost Chances(even if your post to me is rather negative). Your comment about "intermittent reinforcement" really is thought provoking.
crystal_lostheart Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 This has to be the sadest post I have read all day.... I feel for you because you obviously cannot escape..... I know that feeling BUT somehow I had to let go....and yes it hurt terribly and still does...... I can't imagine wanting and waiting for someone for 16 years and it doesn't happen....I don't even know how to tell you how to move on from this because of how long it has gone on for.... The only thing I can say is that all along you have had a CHOICE...this does not seem like love....more an addiction...I could be wrong but it just sounds so sad. I wish you all the best and please try and put yourself first...he is a MM...remember that
Lostchances Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 Oh dear. You misunderstand me. My post is not negative in the least. Not if you are truly looking to turn yourself around in this dead-end you drove yourself into. However, it will indeed sound negative to someone not really interested in changing their direction or their thought process. You want compassion for the situation you find yourself in. That is your user name’s hidden intent. You want compassion and understanding and pats on the head and bedtime stores that have happy endings. You do not want reality. You want fantasy and you want only fantasy. You need to look around you. You need to become aware of your surroundings. I strongly suggest you re-read crystal_lostheart’s post to you. An observation for you. A fantastic observation: You wrote you believe your MOM is your soul mate. Well, now, this implies you believe you and he have souls, right? You better hope not though. You better hope souls do not exist. If you do have souls the meaning, according to every major religion in human history, of soul mate in your case will turn out being chained together for eternity at the bottom of some pit in the floor of hell. And further, though souls may not exist and you mean this to be some sort of euphemism for the two of you amazingly connecting on occasion even that is pure fantasy. You are not connected. You are merely and randomly stimulated out of boredom (intermittent reinforcement at work again) because you only let this otherwise useless OM meet your top emotional needs. There is no such thing as a soul mate (again, you would have to have a soul and you don’t want one under the circumstances anyway). Soul mates are fantasy, make believe and pure lie. Pretending soul mates is just plain stupid and only ever used by OWs as a miserable excuse for harming innocent people. Compassion42, how old are you? You sound like a mixed up willful teenager. How old is your OM? Is he a father figure? Listen! I have been there. This is a dead end and it’s getting very close to being too late for you to turn around and reclaim your life, or your soul if you believe you have one. Good luck. You will need it. PS: I am serious bout exposing. Expose to his family. That will quickly resolve everything for you. Really. I guarantee it. It will. No need to be afraid of anyone finding out. You are soul mates after all. Right? Meant by some deity to be together for eternity. Right? So take advantage of this spiritual inevitability. Make it work for you!
Author compassion42 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Crystal-Thank you for your input. I do love MM but I am not "in love" with him. I think you're right in that I am addicted to him in a way-The little "fixes" that I get from our conversations etc. leave me feeling high. It's crazy and I really really wish there were some sort of rehab that treats such problems. Yes, bottom line is that he is married-plain and simple. ...I really do understand this.
Author compassion42 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Lost-I think it was more the "tone" of your post that felt negative. But then again, the truth can be hard to swallow at times. Ok, so maybe soulmate isn't the right, realistic word...but I have believed that he was "the one" for me and that what we have is special and wonderful(and yes deluded on my part too) and once in a lifetime. I am coming to see and understand that it really may not be all that I have thought it is. I know I deserve more and really want to find a realtionship that is true and real and beautiful. I know that until I end this, I most likely won't be able to find that-do you really think it is too late? I hope not because I believe it is never too late to change. Oh, MM is only a few years older than I am-so no, he's not a daddy figure for me. If I knew how to quote and bold and all that stuff, I would reference the part of your post that says that my user name implies my need to be read bedtimes stories,pat on the head and live in a fantasy world. I'm SURE you must mean that in a friendly,helpful way but geez, that does seem harsh and certainly is not true. I have posted over 200 times and referenced others issues-not my own. I have always had the same username....and really, I am not looking for "compassion"-just some support and suggestions and even some commiseration from those who have "been there". p.s. Did YOU expose in YOUR past Affair?
NoIDidn't Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 PS: I am serious bout exposing. Expose to his family. That will quickly resolve everything for you. Really. I guarantee it. It will. No need to be afraid of anyone finding out. You are soul mates after all. Right? Meant by some deity to be together for eternity. Right? So take advantage of this spiritual inevitability. Make it work for you! I'm late, as usual. But this stood out to me. Generally when the OW exposes, the MM says she is crazy. And its a pretty good sell too. What woman calls another and claims without concrete evidence that they've been sleeping with your H? Compassionate42 goes on to tell us that she doesn't even see him much and that they don't talk about their <nudge nudge> relationship. Okay, seriously. Compassionate. I agree with the others that you are in a fantasy land. I doubt very seriously that this man thinks about you when he is not talking to you over the phone or something. I don't think he thinks you have a relationship, more like an agreement. Sixteen years is too long to spend pining for someone else. Way too long. I think you know the answer too.
DNU1 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Compassion42: Sixteen years...whoa...I've got to say that to myself again, sixteen YEARS. Obviously you know by now that he is *never* going to leave his wife. He's going to tell you whatever you want to hear in order to keep you under his spell. He's like your crack-dealer who keeps giving you just a little bit more to keep you coming back for the high. You know what to do... NC - no contact. Gather some irrefutable evidence of your affair and tell him that should he contact you again, you are going straight to his wife with all the evidence. Heck, you might even just skip all the steps and go right to her. She *deserves* to know she's been married to a lying, cheating, piece of crap for SIXTEEN years. Ug. Move on sister. Break his spell and take control of your love-life. He's not your *soul mate*, he's just cake-eater who loves the attention you give him.
Author compassion42 Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 You're right, he does seem to love the attention and I do make it TOO easy for him to be the cake eater that he is. I've been so stupid and really need to take my blinders off and see this for what it is and nothing more. I am trying to go NC but admit that it is really difficult. I think about him and wonder and worry and miss him. I know it will take time before it will become easier and wish there were some sort of trick I could use to just forget. Reading the posts that you all so kindly take the time to write are helpful in many ways.
DNU1 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 ...I am trying to go NC but admit that it is really difficult. I think about him and wonder and worry and miss him. I know it will take time before it will become easier and wish there were some sort of trick I could use to just forget. Reading the posts that you all so kindly take the time to write are helpful in many ways. Do not *try*, only *do*! (little Yoda quote there for ya) Seriously, NC will be difficult for you because you have an emotional bond to him. It will probably take you months to get through withdrawal. And the second you make contact with him, or he makes contact with you, you head right back to square #1 in your withdrawal. Just stop. Establish a rock-soild NC. Tell him you *will* tell his wife he he contacts you. Be strong for yourself! Be strong because he will not be strong. Do the right thing!
Lebon58 Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Your story kills me because I can see it being me someday. I am 5 years in and I think we live in this fantasy land yet to not know he is there is almost unbearable. I know the right thing would to let go but I am having such a hard time doing so. Let me know how things are going. You can email me privately at [email protected] if you would like. I totally feel for you and maybe we could support each other doing the right thing. M
TOWinNYC Posted April 19, 2009 Posted April 19, 2009 Compassion42- Have you ever heard of a book called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person"? It's written by Howard Halpern. The writing is a bit dry and parts of it aren't all that interesting and I even question the validity of his basic theory (something called Attachment Hunger) - BUT that's not to say that there aren't bits of useful information in it. You may find it helpful in looking at your situation in a different light. I understand where you are. Good luck.
Author compassion42 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 TOWnyc-No, I haven't read that book. I will look for it though-thanks for mentioning the Author and thanks for understanding the challenges of my siutation too.
Author compassion42 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Posted April 19, 2009 Lebon-Yes, I am sure you can relate in many ways. I am trying hard to be NC and am succeeding for now. I do have daily thoughts of him though ,and miss him dearly. I guess it IS a fantasyland in certain ways but the emotions are very much real. I will email you-check your spam folder though because my emails often end up there!
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