compassion42 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I have been in a LDR with MM for more than 16 years. We met a few months after he married and had an amazing connection from our first time together. I know, I know....bad news. BUT...as crazy at it sounds, I believe this man to be my soul mate. Initially we were not living too far apart and saw eachother often. The relationship is a deep friendship with some romance mixed in but never intercourse until a few years into the EA. The EA with a side of romance went on for a number of months until circumstances changed and we were now living much further apart. We then continued our EA via phone. I had some very long term relationships while he remained married-it seemed to work. We connected regularly on the phone and shared in eachothers lives offering support and encouragement in all aspects both professional and personal. Every now and then-sometimes a couple times a year and sometimes every few years, we rendezvous. These meetings are passionate, fun and fulfilling. Never do we speak of our relationship and its meaning. I have always maintained the idea that it "IS what it IS "and nothing more(to him). But in my heart, and my head, I have hoped that he would realize that I was the ONE and he would leave his wife....needless to say , it hasn't happened after more than 16 years and most likely never will. My question is....should I end this? I am not fulfilled because I don't have him in my life completely but- I am so afraid of losing my oldest dearest and closest friend.
NewSunrise Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 More than 16 years?! OMG. Get your head out of the sand and see the sunshine! What makes you think he'll ever leave his wife for you. He sees you as nothing more than a "convenience". This is called "friends with benefits". There is NOTHING deep about your R with him. But in my heart, and my head, I have hoped that he would realize that I was the ONE and he would leave his wife....needless to say , it hasn't happened after more than 16 years and most likely never will. How about a guarantee he NEVER will. What made you think that he would ever leave his W for you? I feel so sad for women like you who continue to waste their prime years on an illusion waiting for a hopeless dream that they know in their head will not materialize. I think you already know the answer to your question and dilemma, don't you? You can't be this desperate. He is not your soulmate nor are you his. But if you're not convinced, you can wait for another 16 years to find out or cut the cord and move on.
NewSunrise Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 My question is....should I end this? I am not fulfilled because I don't have him in my life completely He was never yours to begin with. He was married when you met him. And he is still married. So, how can you even begin to think you could EVER have him "completely? I am so afraid of losing my oldest dearest and closest friend. He's a liar and a cheater. What kind of a "friend" let alone, a man would be a friend to anyone who has no integrity and respect for his wife? I suppose that has no value to you, does it?
Author compassion42 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Thanks for your input(I think). I do hear what you are saying but you say that I shouldn't want to be friends with a liar and a cheater and that's true, but what about the reality of what OUR relationships consists of? What about his continued concern for me, sound advice, and his great personality and our ease and happiness in general? That is valuable to me and I would miss it soooo much. You say there is nothing "deep" about our relationship but how can there not be after 16 years of frienship?
jj33 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 After 16 years I can understand how you can feel like hes your soul mate. But guess what. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if he loves you more than anyone has ever loved anyone in the past or ever will in the future. Why? Because he is married and your needs are not being met. So you have two choices. One, let it go tell him you need some space and try to build a life for yourself where you have a chance to meet someone else. It will take time beacuse you have invested your heart in this man for 16 years. The only other option is to assume that this is as good as it gets. Painful and lonely with no hope of ever having your emotional needs fulfilled. If he hasnt left in 16 years its unlikely he will leave now as hard as that is to hear. But I can only imagine that with each passing year you have wondered if this will be the one, will this be the year that he leaves. And now 16 years have passed... Dont let another 16 pass this way. If you change your mind in 2 and decide you were happier now and life isnt the same without him, you can always contact him. But you need to at least give yourself a chance for more. Based on the length of your relationship it really could take a year or two until you have really moved on in your heart. So dont be hasty and decide in a month or 6 that its too difficult. You are worth the effort. You deserve more.
Author compassion42 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 He's a liar and a cheater. What kind of a "friend" let alone, a man would be a friend to anyone who has no integrity and respect for his wife? I suppose that has no value to you, does it? Yes, I do value integrity and respect. I know he respects his wife...he really does! But the bond we share is just so powerful and has existed for so long that it is so incredibly hard to let that go.
Author compassion42 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 JJ33-Thanks for your kind words and sound advice. Although I have had several LTR's since meeting MM, I always feel like the person I am with is not enough or not the one for me. I find myself comparing them to MM and that isn't fair-I know this but can't seem to help myself. I really know that it is best to end this-unfortunately knowing and doing are two very different things.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Your always comparing others to the OM because that's what our focused on. If you can not compare others and base men on their own merits and traits without bias, things would be different. but you dont want to let go of the fantasy. 16 years??? ...Why?
quankanne Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 My question is....should I end this? I am not fulfilled because I don't have him in my life completely but- I am so afraid of losing my oldest dearest and closest friend. based on what you've just written, it sounds like you understand that there is never going to be a future with ANYONE because you've dedicated yourself to someone who just isn't into you enough to make you "the one." If he were truly your friend, he wouldn't be pulling this crap. but hey, my rule of thumb is to never, ever mix sex with friendship, because someone always ends up getting hurt.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 but what about the reality of what OUR relationships consists of? The REALITY of your relationship seems to be that your needs aren't being met, you will always want more, and he is getting what he wants and cheating both you and his W out of something "real". Neither of you will ever have him. Sixteen years is enormous. There is no way he doesn't have feelings for you or that going NC wouldn't be devistating to you and possibly him too. How devistating will it be to wake up in a few years and realize that you've gambled the best times of your life away? There is a book that has been recommended on some of the forums called "Breaking your addiction to a person" (or something similar). Why not see if it offers you any insight to your own situation?
NewSunrise Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 but what about the reality of what OUR relationships consists of? What about his continued concern for me, sound advice, and his great personality and our ease and happiness in general? That is valuable to me and I would miss it soooo much. You say there is nothing "deep" about our relationship but how can there not be after 16 years of frienship? What is there to miss when all you are getting is left over scraps? Compassion, I don't mean to come across cruel and insensitive, but you gotta wake up and give yourself a shot of reality. His continued advice and "care" for you is part of the deal of keeping you on the hook. And boy, did he ever. How you view him in this manner has nothing to do with your hope of him ever leaving his wife. He never will. You've made it way too easy for him. What made you put yourself or life on hold for 16 years for a MM who never made any attempts to choose you over his wife? You waited far too long. Don't waste another day. Give yourself a chance at real happiness that is REAL. But you gotta believe in it. You've got to believe that you deserve it. Until you do, you will continue in the path you're in.
Author compassion42 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Thanks If Wishes... I really appreciate your persepective. Being wrapped up in the situation makes reality a little skewed. That book sounds like a good one-will have to try to find it.
Author compassion42 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 What made you put yourself or life on hold for 16 years for a MM who never made any attempts to choose you over his wife? You waited far too long. Don't waste another day. Give yourself a chance at real happiness that is REAL. But you gotta believe in it. You've got to believe that you deserve it. Until you do, you will continue in the path you're in. I didn't put my life on hold(completely anyway). Like I said, I have been in some serious LTR's over the years and also have been engaged. I just have found that those men were not right for me(and truly they weren't)and then a small part of me would compare their qualities to those that I love about MM. I really want to let him go- I know I can do this and I know I will feel better if it comes from ME doing what is best for ME. I want to take control of this situation. Longing for someone that I can never have is exhausting.
NewSunrise Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Longing for someone that I can never have is exhausting. Until you decide to let go, there will be no man good enough to match the fantasy you have for this MM. No man.
fooled once Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 16 years?????? OMG. You have hung onto a fantasy for 16 years. He isn't leaving his wife. He has made that more obvious than the nose on your face. WHY would you continue in this? WHY? Stop calling him. Stop emailing him. Don't answer his calls. Don't answer his emails. How can you really love someone you don't even know? Talking on the phone and hooking up every few years doesn't equate a RELATIONSHIP in my mind. You don't live with him. You don't know his habits. You don't know his mannerisms. Heck, you don't know his friends. You don't know which toothpaste he likes. This is a fantasty that has lasted way too long. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. He chose his wife and his marriage. Which is sad too because his wife is being cheated on and she is living with a liar. Please get on with your life completely and cut him out.
Owl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I'm curious...he's been married this whole time. What about you? Married? Had any other relationships during all this time?
Author compassion42 Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 No, I've never been married but I have had serious long term relationships. During those R's, MM was always still in the picture-as a friend mostly but also with the occasional PA occuring and the EA as well. My head tells me that the harsh words that folks like FooledOnce post are most likely true but my heart keeps me holding on. It really isn't a "Fantasy" that I am living-I understand the reality but maintain HOPE for the future. Perhaps it's my hopeless romantic side that keeps me attached?
jj33 Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Sorry sweetie. But its not your hopeless romantic side its your hopeless side. If you really believed in your ability to find love, you wouldnt be sitting on the sidelines with MM continuously in your life. If he was around while you dated the other people, they never really had a chance. Take a break for a few years. If he divorces in the meantime, then great if not you have given yourself a real chance to move on.
Owl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 After 16 years...it IS a fantasy. It's either fantasy, or acceptance. Either you still fantasize that someday he'll leave her for you and he'll be "yours" completely, or you've accepted the fact that your his mistress, and that's all it will be. I can't see any middle ground in there. Your only OTHER option is to go explore other, potentially real options.
Dolly Parton Posted April 11, 2009 Posted April 11, 2009 Honey, You need to look within. If a full committed relationship is what you want, then why continue a time-limited relationship for 16 years? Do you think you may have a problem with commitment? So much so that you seek a full relationship from someone who you probably know deep down will never be able to offer you as much?
Author compassion42 Posted April 11, 2009 Author Posted April 11, 2009 You could be right,Dolly P. I would love to be married and have a partner who I can count on but I also really enjoy my independence. Maybe that is a symptom of commitment problems? I always thought it was kind of just normal and healthy to feel that way.
Athena Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 Thanks If Wishes... I really appreciate your persepective. Being wrapped up in the situation makes reality a little skewed. That book sounds like a good one-will have to try to find it. There is also another book called How to fall out of love, by Dr. Debora Phillips and it is a short, little book full of behavioral modification techniques you can use! ($6.99 on Amazon)
Dolly Parton Posted April 12, 2009 Posted April 12, 2009 You could be right,Dolly P. I would love to be married and have a partner who I can count on but I also really enjoy my independence. Maybe that is a symptom of commitment problems? I always thought it was kind of just normal and healthy to feel that way. Maybe you need to strike a balance hun - maybe, just maybe, being "in love" with a man who is off limits facillitates your independence easier than if you were in a full-time committed relationship?
blinded Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 No, I've never been married but I have had serious long term relationships. During those R's, MM was always still in the picture-as a friend mostly but also with the occasional PA occuring and the EA as well. Deep down inside I think you know the answer to the question you ask. Do you think the 'friendship' with him indirectly caused the breakup of these other relationships? And if you've been long distance, are you're his hookup in your city? I don't want to sound mean, I even say it to myself (that I am his *** girl). But how do you know there aren't other women?
Author compassion42 Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Hi Blinded, Yes, deep down I do know the answer....just so hard to face that reality. I really don't think MM was the reason behind my failed relationships-the issues in all cases were very valid and had nothing to do with him. The only way MM effects my relationships, is with my comparing his personality traits and other positive aspects to the man I'm with. I know MM's cheating is not admirable,nor is his dishonesty with his wife, but I rationalize my way out of thinking negatively about those things by thinking that if we weren't so compatable and great together-he never would do those things. I really don't think there are any other women though.
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