should the dumper do NC?

[kimberelly]

long story short...

dated my ex for 5 years.

i broke up with him; cheated on him.

a few months after the break up there was some confusion as to whether or not we would get back together, but ultimately we did not. (uncertainty on both ends)

i went through a long period of guilt and feeling sorry for what i did; i apologized..i missed him.

understandably he didn't feel the same and said he was not ready for any relationship.

 

we are still friends and see/talk to each other pretty frequently (contact initiated on both ends). hard for me to be friends with him because i still have feelings for him and he gives me signals that he is attracted, but he says he is not, and that it's over.

 

should i do no contact?

as much as i love him, it tears me apart to spend time with him, and i am started to feel slightly used because he knows my attraction and still calls me to ask advice, hugs me after we hang out, flirts in his way (he's not a huge flirt).

 

we were still having sex up until a month or so ago and he said no more because he didn't want to give me the wrong idea.

 

i'm thinking maybe take some time until i can get my self back together and get back in touch when i can truly be a friend instead of feeling like i'm in a position of clinginess etc. he knows how i feel about him, but maybe i have broken his trust for good. i just don't know how long, or if i should tell him i have to go nc? should i tell him or just do it? i mean, it would be kinda weird to disappear out of nowhere, especially since it's been 6 months or so and we have been in contact since then. and what if he calls me during this time? when should i contact him again?

 

it's not like we don't have good conversations etc or have a decent friendship, but at the same time i keep hoping for more, and the more i hope, the further he pushes away.

 

i know i'm not ready for a relationship with him romantically because i know love doesn't involve this deep longing for something that i'm not getting back in return. although i feel by the way he acts that he does still have feelings for me, but obviously not wanting to pursue.

 

what should i do?

[kimberelly]

p.s. i should note that deep down i do NOT want to go no contact; but i don't know if that's me being illogical and preventing me from moving forward.

 

i don't want to be immature and say "well i can't be friends anymore"

i just don't know if i can be a true friend right now because of my fragile emotional state and longing for him. i mean, if i saw him with another girl, it would totally tear me apart.

[Circe]

"Fragile emotional state and longing for him"

 

I think you answered your own question. You should go no contact.

 

He is telling you he's not interested in anything more. You want more. Just because you were the dumper does not make you invulnerable.

 

Go no contact.

 

As for explaining anything, that depends on your circumstances. Will you see him in your daily life anyways? Then you need to explain. If not, it's your choice.

 

I don't think it's immature to choose to not be friends with someone. It's more immature to flirt with feelings of "longing" when those feelings aren't returned. You will get yourself hurt.

[kimberelly]

we talk and/or see each other at least once a week, sometimes more.

we do not see each other unless it is arranged because our schedules/jobs etc are different.

isn't it odd to just stop one day, with no explanation?

and if an explanation comes into play, should it consist of me explaining that i need space/time to heal... ?

[andy2009]

life is short; you shouldn't go NC, try to talk to him, try to know what he says ...it comes from heart or brain ?....I think he still has feeling for you. 5 years is not short, you can give try say for 1 month....and see results.

[kimberelly]

thanks for the reply...

 

i have been holding on for over a half of a year

not that i want to give up but my approach is not working.

 

i can tell he still has feelings for me, but i know i hurt him and broke his trust. he is a very slow moving guy, especially when emotions are involved.

i am so confused about how to approach.

[Island Girl]

This isn't about him.

 

It is about you.

 

You need NC to heal yourself. So that if you guys are never together again romantically you are in a position to move on.

 

And just so you know the only way for someone to miss you and realize they want you in their life is for you NOT to be there.

 

By seeing him occasionally you are allowing him to get used to less contact and the change from romantic involvement to more of a friendship.

Definitely not a good move if you ever want him to want you back.

 

So you have two reasons for NC.

[kimberelly]

i don't want to give an impression that i've "given up" on him; especially since of how the break up was initiated.

 

he accepted my apology and told me there was no reason to feel guilty.

he told me i should pick up the pieces, move forward and learn from it.

 

his actions show me he is still attracted on some level, although he expresses otherwise.

[kimberelly]

hey, beautiful flowers!

 

questions about

no contact...

 

for how long?

 

and should i tell him i'm going nc and the reasons for doing so?

[kimberelly]

let me give you an example of how it stands..

 

spent saturday with him most of the day.

we came back to his place, his roomie wasn't home. says it's cold and climbs into bed under the covers while i'm standing there in his room.

i ask if i can get warm with him and he says sure, will let me get close, but won't actively touch me. he complains of pains and i ask if he wants a massage, he agrees, i give him a very short back one (clothed). eventually we get up, his roomie was to be home soon.

 

i don't mention anything about the awkward moment, we hang out a little bit longer. when i leave he hugs me.

 

next day i called him, told him it was hard for me to be friends with him because i am still attracted to him etc. he offers his ear, and many words of advice. although none of them involve reconciliation with him. more acceptance, and taking action to change the things i am feeling bad about.

 

i invited him to play hacky sack at my apt because he had a job meeting near the area, he said he would call if he wanted to, never did.

 

i didn't call him.

 

next morning i leave my phone hidden because i was thinking of nc. he calls me once, then sends a text when i don't answer. third time he calls again and i hear it ring. it's him wanting my advice on something small for work.

 

why is he doing this to me when he knows how i feel???

does he want me or what?

[andy2009]

if possible can you tell what reason you broke up with him.....and how old are you and your bf ? maybe it can help folks in here to give better suggestion....

[thereIgothinking]

Read his body language while you're listening to him -- if he's always turned away from you, then he's not interested.

Sweetie -- you broke his heart. And you won't get him back hanging around.

You should do NC for 60 days, then longer if you need it. This is a time you need to heal yourself. If you're in love, then this is the adult thing to do. Hanging around waiting for something to change in him is immature.

You should tell him you need time--don't tell him for how long. He may not care and that's ok. Just do it and move on.

Next time don't cheat on your man, and don't let him know if you do. Men can't take it -- I know, I'm one!

[Island Girl]

i don't want to give an impression that i've "given up" on him; especially since of how the break up was initiated.

 

It is one thing to "give up".

 

It is quite another to allow the other person to understand what they will miss in their life.

And you do NOT want to become a sad doormat.

 

In this scenario with the two of you already talking. It would not be a difficult thing to put it out there clearly and then go NC.

(This does not mean crying on his shoulder or looking for his opinion. It means you are standing up for yourself and saying I care about you and I want you but I want to be in your life as a partner or at least working toward that.)

 

he accepted my apology and told me there was no reason to feel guilty.

he told me i should pick up the pieces, move forward and learn from it.

 

He has given you the "move on" speech. This means from his side that this is what he is trying to do and he is not encouraging you to pine away for him.

 

his actions show me he is still attracted on some level, although he expresses otherwise.

 

This is the mistake A LOT of women make.

 

When a guy says something they generally mean what they say. Exactly what they say. And it should be taken at face value.

 

WE are the ones who use body language and non verbal cues. WE are the ones who say something and yet can mean something different.

 

hey, beautiful flowers!

 

THANKS! They are Plumeria or - in the islands - Frangipagni.

 

They are the flowers I had at my wedding. I simply LOVE them.

 

questions about

no contact...

 

for how long?

 

and should i tell him i'm going nc and the reasons for doing so?

 

The unfortunate part is you go NC for as long as it takes.

 

Until:

 

1. You are over him and have moved on. So much so that you can be around him and possibly another girl and it wouldn't bother you in the slightest.

 

OR

 

2. He comes back to you and says he'd like to try a relationship again.

 

In your situation yes you should tell him. This should be conveyed really short and sweet. It is not an excuse for an emotional conversation.

 

let me give you an example of how it stands..

 

Okay.

 

spent saturday with him most of the day.

we came back to his place, his roomie wasn't home. says it's cold and climbs into bed under the covers while i'm standing there in his room.

i ask if i can get warm with him and he says sure, will let me get close, but won't actively touch me. he complains of pains and i ask if he wants a massage, he agrees, i give him a very short back one (clothed). eventually we get up, his roomie was to be home soon.

 

OUCH.

 

He is really keeping himself emotionally withdrawn.

 

You had to suggest getting under the covers with him and he "allowed it". --- Sorry Hun that is doormat behavior.

 

The massage for him -- still more doormat behavior.

 

As sorry as you may be you are overextending yourself while he just stays emotionally unavailable.

It would be different if he had suggested you getting under the covers. But he didn't. He just left you standing there awkwardly in his room.

 

 

i don't mention anything about the awkward moment, we hang out a little bit longer. when i leave he hugs me.

 

If you just had someone kiss your behind all day and give you a massage wouldn't you give them a hug when they left?

 

next day i called him, told him it was hard for me to be friends with him because i am still attracted to him etc. he offers his ear, and many words of advice. although none of them involve reconciliation with him. more acceptance, and taking action to change the things i am feeling bad about.

 

He is telling you in so many ways that he isn't moving toward reconciliation.

You need to quit discussing it with him.

 

There is plenty of ego stroking for him here. And he is lapping it up. But he isn't emotionally moved by any of it.

 

i invited him to play hacky sack at my apt because he had a job meeting near the area, he said he would call if he wanted to, never did.

 

He had the option of seeing you and spending time with you but didn't.

He isn't wanting reconciliation right now.

 

 

i didn't call him.

 

THANK GAWD!!

 

next morning i leave my phone hidden because i was thinking of nc. he calls me once, then sends a text when i don't answer. third time he calls again and i hear it ring. it's him wanting my advice on something small for work.

 

why is he doing this to me when he knows how i feel???

does he want me or what?

 

No he doesn't want you right now.

 

But you have made it plainly clear that you will be available to him whenever for whatever. So he will take full advantage of that.

 

You need to go NC. Quit torturing yourself or putting him in a position where he can torture you.

[Bleeve]

Kimberelly,

I feel for you so much, as your situation sounds a lot like mine.

I was the dumpee though.

I give the massages, am there for her for advice, get a hug when I leave her place. All the same stuff and it is killing me inside.

Add in the fact that she now has a new bf and it makes it even worse.

You need a NC buddy, then I am in need of one also. I need to go the same route that you need too. As in telling them it is too painful to just be friends when we were so much more before.

Everyday I get closer to telling her that I can't keep doing this.

Good luck to you and at least know that there are others out there that know what you are feeling.

[kimberelly]

if possible can you tell what reason you broke up with him.....and how old are you and your bf ? maybe it can help folks in here to give better suggestion....

 

i'm 24 and he's 26.

 

i broke up with him because i was feeling unappreciated, the sex had disappeared, he could never make the bills, i felt like i was carrying most of the responsibility... at the same time i respected him intellectually, spiritually, and he was a very honest and loyal man.

 

after you have time to be apart and gain perspective you start to realize there aren't a whole lot of folks who match up, and maybe the problem wasn't as simple as you thought it was, and had to do with your own inner insecurities or projecting your own fears. aka - putting out bad karma. but that's just my guess, since it's hard to really understand your own mind objectively.

 

Read his body language while you're listening to him -- if he's always turned away from you, then he's not interested.

Sweetie -- you broke his heart. And you won't get him back hanging around.

You should do NC for 60 days, then longer if you need it. This is a time you need to heal yourself. If you're in love, then this is the adult thing to do. Hanging around waiting for something to change in him is immature.

You should tell him you need time--don't tell him for how long. He may not care and that's ok. Just do it and move on.

Next time don't cheat on your man, and don't let him know if you do. Men can't take it -- I know, I'm one!

 

I don't want to wait around for him to change his mind, nor honestly can I expect him to respect me in the state of being i am in now. But maybe I need some space to clear my head. I'm naturally overanalytical so i'm trying to weigh all my options here. i also would hate to lose him as some part of my life forever, at least that's how i feel. I would hope to have him as still part of my life, if not in a romantic way, in an amicable way. is there something i can do to control my thoughts or actions that will allow me to heal without going completely NC?

 

 

 

 

Island Girl - Thanks for all of the advice, I am feeling a lot of what you say. I am just having a hard time determining the portion of logical versus emotional decision I am making. I know humans aren't robots, and that emotions guide a lot of our actions... but I do have a hard time fully understanding where the line is drawn between the two.

 

Hope that makes sense...

 

[kimberelly]

also, he was a very demanding person when it came to using your brain, thinking things through, making decisions...

always questioning, prodding, and pushing. sometimes he overdid it though. and sometimes i took it personally.

 

i think that his demandingness in these arenas caused conflict

just as mine in some arenas caused some... (i'm a very ambitious person and can sometimes dive into things relatively quickly, on a mission, although it is nice to get a different perspective about whether my mission was "logical".

he helped me to take a few steps back, chill out, and approach situations with more caution

 

he's a defa virgo (intp), and i'm a leo (intj) for those of you who have read into stuff like that, i don't take horoscopes or personaly tests for 100%, or even half of that in most cases, but ours and the compatibility description are pretty damn acurrate

[Island Girl]

is there something i can do to control my thoughts or actions that will allow me to heal without going completely NC?

 

No there isn't. If you want confirmation, feel free to read the threads about this on LS. There are plenty and unfortunately NC is the only solution that will allow you to heal.

 

It doesn't have to be forever. But it just might be.

It has to be long enough so that if you do see him it doesn't take you into an emotional downward spiral.

 

Island Girl - Thanks for all of the advice, I am feeling a lot of what you say. I am just having a hard time determining the portion of logical versus emotional decision I am making. I know humans aren't robots, and that emotions guide a lot of our actions... but I do have a hard time fully understanding where the line is drawn between the two.

 

Your welcome I am glad I can help a bit.

 

That line is drawn when the emotions that are driving you keep driving you into pain and angst repeatedly with no real hope of a difference. That is when pure logic needs to take over.

You are at that point.

[andy2009]

ofcourse logical will dominate and you are in position of NC for atleast 1 month.

 

hard ? Yes I know but you have no choice left.

 

one more thing i must point out that when money comes into love life then take it as a alarm.

 

Regarding sex, may be his mood was not good because you were cheating ? Remember one thing when you stay long time with anyone, whatever you think or do, you can not hide.

 

I think he is a great guy, and you have made a mistake so heal yourself first. If he has feeling about you and he is loyal then he can wait for you ...meanwhile try to figure out have you done any mistakes...since you have a list of his mistakes....

[kimberelly]

i know i have made mistakes, and that i could be just as overbearing as he was about things.

 

and as far as him not having sexual attraction; that happened before the cheating.

 

but yeah, maybe i should take some time alone to heal and better myself before i can continue any sort of relationship with him.