Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster

[stampdaddy]

On the verge of an affair with co-worker...

I'm very close to having an affair with a coworker. He’s beautiful. I've been married for 10 years now and I'm happy in my relationship with my husband (no kids, 2 dogs)- he is very good to me. But this situation is special - I know u think I'm deluding myself. Let me try and explain... I've only had 3(including this current guy) love at first sight experiences in my life (I'm in my late 30's). One was when I was 12 (so we'll chalk that one up to puppy love if u like) and one occurred when I was in college. In all these experiences when we first met - our eyes locked - and we, for a deep and meaningful moment, felt "something". Of course the feelings of anxiety, the rush and excitement was in the air whenever we were around and I felt consumed by them - I always wanted to be around them, I would hope we’d accidently touch, and when I was not around them I always thought about it. Well, I met my single coworker about three years ago and we met under similar love at first sight circumstances- he 's very traditional and would not let on early that he also felt the same- and there was a time I wasn’t sure, but over the past year and a half the flirting and erotic moments we've shared (we always find time to hang out - and even stay at work late for no other reason than to just spend more time together) have let me know that we both want more. Now when I mentioned he was beautiful – I don’t mean Hollywood looks- in fact he is quite geeky looking, dresses very sloppy, and is not very comfortable in social settings – so by any means its not just being infatuated with some cutie. But I do find him very sexy – his curly hair and beautiful eyes. Again, he is one of three love at first sight experiences I’ve had. But alas I’m married. Now I’m not looking for a new relationship –I’m just looking to finally have sex and connect with this soul mate, as it seems it was fated to be. Once I have sex with him I think I can finally move on and turn my attentions, thoughts, daydreams, passions, onto my husband who truly deserves it. Now do I have sex with my new soulmate- does life ever bring you someone that you connect with and you both know that it was meant to be, if even just for a night (or two ☺)? What if I could have this night and my husband never know- would it, could it, be right to take part of what seems to me more of a sexual-spiritual encounter. Please help

[LivinginaFog]

Stampdaddy you are wrong - that was not my post. I have only posted two things myself: one on "restitution" and one on "when the whole town knows"

[stampdaddy]

Stampdaddy you are wrong - that was not my post. I have only posted two things myself: one on "restitution" and one on "when the whole town knows"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooops!! MANY , MANY apologies.... I am sorry

[stampdaddy]

again, I am VERY sorry... I feel like an a-hole....

[troubadour]

I am TryingtoGoOn's wife - found this when I was checking out responses to my post.

Honey - I am so sorry for what I have done. As I say to you each day, I love you and always have. I respect you. I love you more for willing to try to save our marriage when I was the one that made is come crumbling down. While I will never know the devestation I created, this is why I kept it a secret - not to numb my pain but to keep you from this hurt. The hurt I see in MC, the hurt I see at home at night, the hurt I see and hear in bed. While reading some of these responses is a slap in the face for how a cheater is seen - nothing compares to what I hear you say or see in your face. I have told you all, I have been honest since D-Day, I have given you all my accounts, numbers and whereabouts. I am working on changing my career to show you that I am committed to you and our family and not just committed to myself. I know that nothing I say or do will ever take away all the pain or return your life to how you wanted it to be, but I hold on to those that post the positive outcomes and to our MC who says that we have a strong foundation. I know I've cracked that foundation, but am trying now to mend it. thank you for being willing to take this walk with me - one towards healing. I owe you more than my life, but that is all I have to give. I am, and always will be, truly sorry.

 

 

I have to admit I find this kind of posts quite funny.

 

I have never been cheated in any serious relationship ( at least I am not aware of it ) and I am not a bitter dude by nature ( quite opposite of it ) but I will never believe that someone who was involved in a long term affair can be remorsful about having it. It seems to be a purest form of nonsens to me.

 

LivinginaFog... you claim that you have always loved your husband? Did you also love him when you were giving tongue bathing to your OM. Where was your love then?

 

I understand that you can feel sorry about the hurt your course of action have caused... but you are not sorry about the affair, itself. Actually I could bet that deep down you still have quite nice memorries of it.

 

And it is not true that you have told your husband everything about the affair... you simply could not do it. No one can tell BS everything about the affair... it would mean a divorce. There is no question about it. You might have given him all facts about it... but you didn't tell him everything.

 

LivinginaFog... the main reason why you didn't tell your husband about the affair earlier was because you were afraid of consequencies and shame you would have to face. It was not because you didn't want to hurt him. Be honest with him about it. If you were so concerned about his feeling you wouldn't have assumed a "spread eagle position" for your OM to enter you in the first place.

 

I hope that somehow things will work for two of you... but you own him the whole truth about the affair if he asks about it.

[TryingtoGoOn]

No worries.

[TryingtoGoOn]

No worries to Stampdaddy that is.

[stampdaddy]

No worries to Stampdaddy that is.

 

Thanks.. and tell your wife I said I was very sorry, as I am sure it stirred her

[TryingtoGoOn]

Trying, it takes time, so be kind and accepting of yourself and your feelings, first. Talk about them with your wife on a daily basis if need be. The roller coaster is, unfortunately, a normal and painful state of being after the discovery of an affair. Eventually, as you grow stronger, it subsides. Take care of yourself. Realize that the affair was not your fault and own that feeling. Many marriages have room to improve, but cheating is never a healthy, mature, choice.

 

It is one of the most self-destructive choices a person can make, and doesn't that speak volumes to the emotional state of a cheater?

 

I too desperately wanted to confront the OW in my husband's affair and waited one year to call her. Guess what? She never returned my call. Big shocker, I know. At this point, I think I would only have one question: What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission to get involved with my MM and help destroy what I had spent 25 years building--a happy, secure family.

 

He faces the consequences of his actions every day in trying to rebuild this marriage and family. But her? I still wonder what she thinks. And in all honesty, while I have forgiven her too, I hope the day arrives when we accidently bump into one another. I'd have a lot to say.

Yes. I think a lot about what that first accidental meeting with the OM is going to look like. We work in a small enough city in the same line of work - it is bound to happen sometime. I doubt it will be pleasant for either of us.

[Darth Vader]

Yes I wish I could take revenge. No I am not going to risk prison, job, safety, etc. Thanks.

 

 

Is this OM married? Tell his wife. Is this guy still at the company, inform his boss of his actions with your wife. Informing his boss may cause this guy to feel the pain in other ways. He needs to have consequences for his actions!

 

If your wife doesn't want you to do any of these things, that should tell you volumes right there! Divorce her, she only would be caring for her OM.

 

What? Your wife's reading this, GOOD, she needs to see it all! However, doesn't it violate your privacy? I don't know if she would use this to her advantage to twist things around on you. Fleafly's wife did that to him.

 

In any case, how would your wife feel if you humiliated her and disrepected her in this fashion/s? I suspect that she would've dropped your butt long ago......

[TryingtoGoOn]

Is this OM married? Tell his wife. Is this guy still at the company, inform his boss of his actions with your wife. Informing his boss may cause this guy to feel the pain in other ways. He needs to have consequences for his actions!

 

If your wife doesn't want you to do any of these things, that should tell you volumes right there! Divorce her, she only would be caring for her OM.

 

What? Your wife's reading this, GOOD, she needs to see it all! However, doesn't it violate your privacy? I don't know if she would use this to her advantage to twist things around on you. Fleafly's wife did that to him.

 

In any case, how would your wife feel if you humiliated her and disrepected her in this fashion/s? I suspect that she would've dropped your butt long ago......

OM not married. Work slapped his wrist; nothing else. OM should have consequences, but doesn't look like there are going to be any. He got the PA, I got the pain and baggage. Nice, huh?

[samprez]

Trying: I'm going to tell you again with your wife reading..this is not on OM. It's on her. He owns his part but exacting revenge on him isn't the solution. You and W need MC and need to decide what you are going to do.

 

Calling his work and other things are not a good idea. People seem to forget that when you start messing with people (even for the right reasons) you don't know what you are getting into. I know, he doesn't understand what you're capable of, but when does the cycle end? If he gets fired because of this (unlikely) are your tires slashed the next morning? Are you attacked? You can control the cycle.

 

Your WIFE owns this. She damaged you. OM could have been anyone in retrospect, right? This guy, that guy, the next guy. In my situation through IC I've come to understand my role with MW. My wife contacted the MW's H!!! I'm happy for her that she took back some power, but the cycle has to end at some point.

 

Hope I'm making sense to you. Your anger is in the wrong place my friend which tells me you are struggling with dealing with the real issue, wife!!!

[stampdaddy]

OM not married. Work slapped his wrist; nothing else. OM should have consequences, but doesn't look like there are going to be any. He got the PA, I got the pain and baggage. Nice, huh?

 

now, no offense, and not that you would/should care at this point, BUT, don't be so sure OM doesnt have his luggage in this.. Maybe/maybe not. But what you WILL learn here WILL suprise you...

[Darth Vader]

OM not married. Work slapped his wrist; nothing else. OM should have consequences, but doesn't look like there are going to be any. He got the PA, I got the pain and baggage. Nice, huh?

 

 

Many on here, myself included, wonder why you want to stay with her, and please don't say for the sake of the children.

 

I don't down you at all for trying to work the marriage out, but, let's face it, you can do better, and you know it!

 

That being said, if it were me, she'd be gone, life's too short putting up with all of the other images, trust issues, ect.

[LivinginaFog]

Stampdaddy - thanks for the apology - I know you were just trying to help Trying.

[NewSunrise]

IMO, I don't think Livinginafog should be posting/replying on her H's thread.

 

Anyone noticed her ID name? "Livinginafog"...

 

Often the ID name posters create when they post is usually indicative of where they are emotionally and mentally. My guess is she IS still IN the fog with the OM. The OM is not completely out of her system yet.

 

TryingToGoOn ID is clearly indicative of where he's at. He's struggling to make sense of everything. I also think he needs to create another name so that his wife can't view the feedback.

[jnj express]

Hey trying, you got the exact right advice a few posts back. The OM is slime, and anything else you want to call him, BUT he did not rape your wife, he did not kidnap her, he did not tie her down and commit sexual acts upon her. She played a willing INTENTIONAL part in this A. She knew what she was doing from the very beginning. Why don't you find out WHY it happened, WHY she did not stop it, WHY she disrespected her mge., and family. We know she has been the master of deceit for the last 2 years cuz she knew what she did, and she knew if and when she was outed what the result would be. Your beef here is with your Wife, not the other man., your wife is the one who took vows with you and violated them. Know she says she is sorry, funny isn't it they all think saying i'm sorry makes up for wrecking lives. I'm sorry means nothing, it is nothing. And yes your bleak landscape could last up to a couple of years if not longer, and no you will not ever forget what she has done to you, the thoughts and visions will come back triggered by various things.

[Tired03]

Trying, you seem like a good soul, who has been terribly wounded.

 

Your marriage can survive - I second the divorcebusting and particularly marriagebuilders site.

 

If you are Christian, the movie Fireproof is a good one. Hard to watch, but worth watching (and the concepts therein).

 

I'm not going to lie, it will be hard for quite awhile, and you'll feel like quitting, but you can survive, and your marriage can survive.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Hey trying, you got the exact right advice a few posts back. The OM is slime, and anything else you want to call him, BUT he did not rape your wife, he did not kidnap her, he did not tie her down and commit sexual acts upon her. She played a willing INTENTIONAL part in this A. She knew what she was doing from the very beginning. Why don't you find out WHY it happened, WHY she did not stop it, WHY she disrespected her mge., and family. We know she has been the master of deceit for the last 2 years cuz she knew what she did, and she knew if and when she was outed what the result would be. Your beef here is with your Wife, not the other man., your wife is the one who took vows with you and violated them. Know she says she is sorry, funny isn't it they all think saying i'm sorry makes up for wrecking lives. I'm sorry means nothing, it is nothing. And yes your bleak landscape could last up to a couple of years if not longer, and no you will not ever forget what she has done to you, the thoughts and visions will come back triggered by various things.

I know. It was her actions regardless of anything the OM did. I know I will never forget and that is something that has been hard to deal with. Everything I have listened to in IC and MC and read is that one has to forgive for the marraige to survive. That makes sense but I have a hard time seeing any forgiveness now or in the future because of the betrayal and deceit. The MC however described forgiveness not as acceptance but more simply getting to a point where you no longer seek retaliation or revenge. Perhaps that is attainable. Granted, it is not now. We'll keep trying. Thanks to all for the advice.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Trying, you seem like a good soul, who has been terribly wounded.

 

Your marriage can survive - I second the divorcebusting and particularly marriagebuilders site.

 

If you are Christian, the movie Fireproof is a good one. Hard to watch, but worth watching (and the concepts therein).

 

I'm not going to lie, it will be hard for quite awhile, and you'll feel like quitting, but you can survive, and your marriage can survive.

Thnaks. We will look at those websites.

[2sure]

BS here.

 

Re: Confronting the other person.

 

First, maybe its because I'm a woman and not a man - but while I did require speaking to OW - it wasnt for "confrontation". Confrontation sounds aggressive, accusatory , intimidating, maybe violent.

 

I simply wanted to make my voice, my person, known to OP. I wanted her to know that she was not a secret entity in my life . I wanted her to know that she had participated in MY life without my knowledge and that I resented it. Me- Personally. It had nothing to do with my husband or the affair. I asked no questions.

 

I felt a lot better. It gave me back a piece of control of my life that I hadnt known I'd lost.

 

I dont think she felt threatened really.

[Darth Vader]

Hey trying, you got the exact right advice a few posts back. The OM is slime, and anything else you want to call him, BUT he did not rape your wife, he did not kidnap her, he did not tie her down and commit sexual acts upon her. She played a willing INTENTIONAL part in this A. She knew what she was doing from the very beginning. Why don't you find out WHY it happened, WHY she did not stop it, WHY she disrespected her mge., and family. We know she has been the master of deceit for the last 2 years cuz she knew what she did, and she knew if and when she was outed what the result would be. Your beef here is with your Wife, not the other man., your wife is the one who took vows with you and violated them. Know she says she is sorry, funny isn't it they all think saying i'm sorry makes up for wrecking lives. I'm sorry means nothing, it is nothing. And yes your bleak landscape could last up to a couple of years if not longer, and no you will not ever forget what she has done to you, the thoughts and visions will come back triggered by various things.

 

 

That's exactly right. His wife seems like she's trying to control the situation here on these forums. How is it that she has taken over his thread?

[troubadour]

That's exactly right. His wife seems like she's trying to control the situation here on these forums. How is it that she has taken over his thread?

 

 

She is just very good at deluding him... there is no question about it.

[Darth Vader]

She is just very good at deluding him... there is no question about it.

 

 

Ah, so you see that too........

[troubadour]

Ah, so you see that too........

 

The problem is... that he doesn't.