Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster

[TryingtoGoOn]

About 2 months ago my W disclosed an old affair, one that had ended about 2 years ago. She confessed because she became fearful I was going to find out from someone else. Good for her she finally confessed to me. Of course, I am bitter as hell that she had the affair. W has since answered all my questions about the affair and is trying as best she can to be remorseful and make amends. She has provided all email accounts and passwords, and cut off all contact with OM (as best I can tell and I am trying to check up on it). That is all well and good, but I need more.

 

I have been doing emotional cartwheels since I learned. I love her, she is my wife of 10 years, a good mother to beautiful children and has otherwise been a very good friend. Disclosure brought this crashing down. At the same time, I hate her for what she did - the betrayal and disception. The only constant I have is my hate for the OM. If I could figure out a way to effectively (i.e. not hurting myself more) take revenge, I would.

 

I have been doing lots of reading, including this site. I realize, to make our marraige survive, I must learn to forgive her and to let go of all the hatred. I dislike the word "forgive" because tha connotes acceptance; that what W did was "okay." I will never believe that. Our MC offered another definition, "forgiveness" is simply getting to a point where you no longer want revenge or retaliation. I guess I can see that, but it is a long way off. I am definitely not there yet.

 

I believe it is just going to take time, but how does one deal with all the "cartwheels" in the meantime? I look around me and see lousy or mediocre husbands everywhere. I always tried to be home for my W and kids and to be a good H. Nevertheless, I have this insanity to deal with. It stinks. I tell my kids at least once a week, when they feel slighted by some trivial thing, "life isn't fair". Unfortunately, that isn't making me feel any better right now. How does one get past all the hatred and disgust?

[Owl]

Marriage counseling, with a counselor who has a good gameplan and track record for recovering marriages from infidelity.

 

Take a look for the book "Surviving an Affair". Great information in there.

 

Individual counseling for yourself, if you feel that you're not going to be able to cope with your anger and hurt...just make sure that your IC is in tune with your MC's plan for marital recovery. Often, IC's conflict with MC's.

 

Other than that, it's going to take some time for you to work through. The ups and downs of the rollercoaster ride will smooth out with time and with recovery progress...I've lived it. I'm five years post d-day, and our marriage is great.

 

Last thought...remember, this is a marathon...not a sprint. They say that it takes 2-5 years for recovery.

[seibert253]

IC for yourself, and your wife, and continued MC. Let her know how you feel. When you're angry, tell her. (don't yell and scream, try your best to be angry, but calm). When you love her, tell her and show her.

Let her know her daily life is now an open book, until you can trust her again. With counseling and time, you can regain this.

The hardest part of an A is not the sex, or the emotional connection with someone other than your spouse. It's the betrayal of trust.

[Bryanp]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have a couple of questions and comments. How long was the affair? If the OM is married or in a relationship that person needs to be told immediately,

 

In addition, I find it disconcerting that apparently you wife had no intention of ever telling you that she was cheating on you behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. She only told you because she thought you were going to find out. This is very bad. In other words, she was forced to tell you and not because she wanted to tell you. My guess is that she has probably not told you the entire truth and wanted to put a somewhat positive spin on it because she was fearful you will eventually find out the entire truth. Have you both taken tests for STD's?

 

I am curious but if the roles had been reversed do you honestly think your wife would be as accepting as you seem to be. I don't know the time line but apparently your wife must be a top notch liar and deceiver to be able to carry on this affair behind your back without you having a clue. This is something for you to consider. Is she remorseful for what she did or simply remorseful that she had to tell you. You will find most of the time the betrayed never gets the full and total story the first time it is told by the cheating spouse. I think you should dig deep to truly find out what happened. The fact that she was afraid you were going to find out and forced to tell you should make you think that you do not have the full story. You need to verify everything she says to make sure it is true. Again she had no intention of ever telling you should tell you something very negative about her that you should think about carefully. Is is possible that this is not her first affair but only told you because she knew you would find out about this one? I wish you luck.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Thanks for the early responses. I have started IC and we are both in MC now. My W is also in IC and has been for several years, since the affair ended (I thought she was going for other reasons). I counseling has been generally helpful, but it is still early.

 

Regarding the A itself, I know what my W has shared. Went on for about 9 months but was very opportunistic, things happened when their work brought them together. Not frequently. Mostly it was flirting and suggestive emails/texts.

 

Do I know she has told me everything? No. HAve I wondered whether there is more? Of course and I have asked W repeatedly whether there is more. She has insisted she has told me everythinng, that there has never been any one else, and that it was not about us, it was about her being selfish. She has had her routine health exams since the affair with no STDs. I don't believe that is a problem.

 

I have also asked about her remorse and regret. She says and acts as if she is remorseful and regrets the affair, both because it hurt me and because it was wrong. Could she be lying to make me feel good. Sure. She has already demonstrated she can do it effectively. But I have no reason to disbelieve her, she certainly acts regretful and remorseful. I will however always carry suspicion and doubts.

[Bryanp]

It is good that you will be attempting verify everything. What made her think you were going to find out? Was somebody going to tell you? If yes, you should talk with that person. Again if the roles had been refused how do you think she would be acting and feeling? What have been the consequences to her actions? Did she feel that she could get away with it because even if you found out there would still be no consequences to her actions which meant she was not afraid of losing anything. If she thought the marriage would have ended if she cheated, do you think she would have risked cheating like this? I think it is significant that she did not even bother to use protection and was willing to put your health at risk for STD's. This is more than just being selfish. This is about showing utter distain and disrespect for you. I assume she would have told you earlier if she had given you an STD. What does that say? I wish you luck.

[stampdaddy]

Thanks for the early responses. I have started IC and we are both in MC now. My W is also in IC and has been for several years, since the affair ended (I thought she was going for other reasons). I counseling has been generally helpful, but it is still early.

 

Regarding the A itself, I know what my W has shared. Went on for about 9 months but was very opportunistic, things happened when their work brought them together. Not frequently. Mostly it was flirting and suggestive emails/texts.

 

Do I know she has told me everything? No. HAve I wondered whether there is more? Of course and I have asked W repeatedly whether there is more. She has insisted she has told me everythinng, that there has never been any one else, and that it was not about us, it was about her being selfish. She has had her routine health exams since the affair with no STDs. I don't believe that is a problem.

 

I have also asked about her remorse and regret. She says and acts as if she is remorseful and regrets the affair, both because it hurt me and because it was wrong. Could she be lying to make me feel good. Sure. She has already demonstrated she can do it effectively. But I have no reason to disbelieve her, she certainly acts regretful and remorseful. I will however always carry suspicion and doubts.

 

I am not one of those that try to blow up a thread and immediately jump all over the WS (wandering Spouse, since you are new here). BUT, and I think everybody will agree: THERE IS ALWAYS MORE. Always, always, always.... And YES, they will try to make you feel good, they say all of the "right" things.

Anyway, OWL, what is that "Joseph's Story" or whatever it is called that talks about the puzzle and how she know what the puzzle REALLY is and he only has a few of the pieces? OP (original poster, that is YOU), read this letter when we find it, and share it with your wife in your own way... Maybe it will make her see how unfair it is for you to only hold a couple of pieces of your marriage's puzzle...

[stampdaddy]

To Whomever,

 

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you,

so

why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'

m

going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

 

Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you.

So

, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what�s the difference, it's not important. Then later when I�

m

expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

So

, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me

so

? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

So

, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.

 

Joseph

[Untouchable_Fire]

I believe it is just going to take time, but how does one deal with all the "cartwheels" in the meantime? I look around me and see lousy or mediocre husbands everywhere. I always tried to be home for my W and kids and to be a good H. Nevertheless, I have this insanity to deal with. It stinks. I tell my kids at least once a week, when they feel slighted by some trivial thing, "life isn't fair". Unfortunately, that isn't making me feel any better right now. How does one get past all the hatred and disgust?

 

Very interesting that she came out and told you. Perhaps that means she knows you wont leave? Are you a needy, insecure type of guy?

 

You feel all this anger towards the OM... but he owes you nothing. He never made a promise to you. I think your mad at him, because otherwise you would have to put the blame on your wife.

 

Seriously... If I was in your shoes... I would start planning a divorce. Yes, you can build the marriage back up... and blah, blah, blah. Bottom line. If she loved you, she wouldn't have done this. Don't waste your life with someone incapable of loving you!

[TryingtoGoOn]

No I don't believe she thought there wouldn't be any consequences. The A was with a business colleague. She learned I would find out due to an internal investigation withint he company. As far as I know, it actually has not, in fact, been revealed.

She told me they did use protection so that aspect is not as you speculate.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Very interesting that she came out and told you. Perhaps that means she knows you wont leave? Are you a needy, insecure type of guy?

 

You feel all this anger towards the OM... but he owes you nothing. He never made a promise to you. I think your mad at him, because otherwise you would have to put the blame on your wife.

 

Seriously... If I was in your shoes... I would start planning a divorce. Yes, you can build the marriage back up... and blah, blah, blah. Bottom line. If she loved you, she wouldn't have done this. Don't waste your life with someone incapable of loving you!

Untouchable Fire

I grant you the OM owed me nothing. Yes she is the one that broke the vows. But he does know me and he knew well that my W was married. I am not trying to discount W's role in this, but that doesn't diminish my hatred for him.

[samprez]

I think it's wasted and misplaced energy to have anger towards OM. I know how you feel but remember, it was your W who played. I'm the bad guy in my situation and I coined a phrase with my IC, "I own 100% of my 50% of this." Your wife is the one who knew SHE was married. Who let this guy in. I carried around a lot of the responsibility for my A for my MW and finally let it go one day. She was a big girl like your W.

 

Look, you do what you have to do and you need to process this anyway you want. And I would guess if I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty pissed at the OM too; however, there is little you can do and ultimately I don't think it will make you feel better to focus your energy on him. Your wife has to own her part in this and sounds like she's trying to as well.

 

If you want to be angry at OM, do so. But it takes two to tango and she knew what she was doing. Make sense?

[TryingtoGoOn]

I think it's wasted and misplaced energy to have anger towards OM. I know how you feel but remember, it was your W who played. I'm the bad guy in my situation and I coined a phrase with my IC, "I own 100% of my 50% of this." Your wife is the one who knew SHE was married. Who let this guy in. I carried around a lot of the responsibility for my A for my MW and finally let it go one day. She was a big girl like your W.

 

Look, you do what you have to do and you need to process this anyway you want. And I would guess if I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty pissed at the OM too; however, there is little you can do and ultimately I don't think it will make you feel better to focus your energy on him. Your wife has to own her part in this and sounds like she's trying to as well.

 

If you want to be angry at OM, do so. But it takes two to tango and she knew what she was doing. Make sense?

I don't disagree with any of this. Can't change the fact that I still want to kill the son-of-a-bitch.

 

Sorry, what is "MW"?

[stampdaddy]

I don't disagree with any of this. Can't change the fact that I still want to kill the son-of-a-bitch.

 

Sorry, what is "MW"?

 

MW = Married Woman

 

dont kill the OM = prison time

[bentnotbroken]

I think it's wasted and misplaced energy to have anger towards OM. I know how you feel but remember, it was your W who played. I'm the bad guy in my situation and I coined a phrase with my IC, "I own 100% of my 50% of this." Your wife is the one who knew SHE was married. Who let this guy in. I carried around a lot of the responsibility for my A for my MW and finally let it go one day. She was a big girl like your W.

 

Look, you do what you have to do and you need to process this anyway you want. And I would guess if I were in your shoes, I'd be pretty pissed at the OM too; however, there is little you can do and ultimately I don't think it will make you feel better to focus your energy on him. Your wife has to own her part in this and sounds like she's trying to as well.

 

If you want to be angry at OM, do so. But it takes two to tango and she knew what she was doing. Make sense?

 

 

It did me a hell of a lot of good for me to focus as much anger on the OW as well as Mr. Messy. She knew my family(as did the AP in the OP life), you look in a BS face, in the children's face and still involve yourselves in their lives without their consent or knowledge. It takes 2 to tango, that's why the 2 of them got equal treatment in my case: pissed, confused, and the wrath of a person not on her meds.

[samprez]

Bent. I didn't know MW H nor she my W. So I see how things can be different. My W told me that she could care less if MW dropped dead tonight, but she wasn't going to put any effort into dealing with her. Remember, my W emailed MW H about us...so I guess in her way she gave it back to MW.

 

My point to our poster here is that his wife was aware of her part in this and while it would be nice to exact revenge on the OM, it won't get him the peace he's seeking; I think. But I did say that he should process this anyway he sees fit and needs to.

 

Sorry man. I've spent time wondering how my MW H must feel and I'm reading your stuff and getting it. It's different for men and women. Keep venting out here, yell at me if you want...but nothing physical that you can't recover from..get it.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't believe revenge is healthy, but I do believe thinking about, venting and putting the thoughts out there are healthy. It allows the person to let the venom out without it coming out like I heard in the news this morning. Man kills his 5 children and himself because wife told him she was leaving for OM.

 

I know for me the fantasies of hurting them both was an outlet that let me release toxic emotions. As I have said before I have anger management issues that could have turned the situation into national news.

[scarred]

I understand your feelings. My wife had a physical/non-sexual affair with another guy she met at conferences - most of which she was pregnant. You can bet that in addition to being angry at my wife I have had a lot of anger toward the other man (you can imagine the images I have rolling around in my mind). So I can understand your sense of deep anger at the OM - ie its almost like a code where we believe that real men don't do that to other men (get emotional or physical with other men's wives). But, alas there are plenty of them that do.

 

So, as long as its only anger its probably not unhealthy to vent. Go buy a punching bag, imagine his face is the bag and go off on it. You'll get a good workout and release some of the pent up stress/anger and likely feel better for a while. Just don't touch him or you'll be the one in trouble.

[jnj express]

Hey trying----1st forget the OM, no vengeance nothing, if you ever got the chance and physically hurt him you end up in jail, that doesn't do your family any good. As to regret and remorse, regret really is not major here, she regrets what she did that applies to her. Remorse is the major player in/re. you and the mge. If she is showing very heavy and proper remorse fine, but regret not a major player. Your beef is with your W. not her A. partner. She was the one who cheated on you, she was the one who knew what she was doing was going to wreck her mge., and family , Did she ever think about the aftermath I doubt it, read confused's thread. she was the one who planned her sneaking, hiding, cheating manuevers. and she is the one who for 2 plus years has come home every night and looked you in the eyes and treated you as if everything was normal. She confessed only because she was being eaten alive with worry that somehow she would be caught. Do not treat this lightly, you need to be very strong about this, and she needs to pay for what she has done---What has she done , you might ask---She has basically murdered you---Prior to knowing what her greediness did, your days and thoughts were carefree, enjoyable, gay, light hearted, yes you had problems but the next day they were handled or gone, lmife was good, and enjoyable. This pain she has caused will never go away, the visions will remain, there is no more trust She has murdered the person in you that lived a normal happy life, now you are living, hey i don't have to describe it to you do I, you are living it. Your wife needs to pay for what she has done to your life, Also remember, you are dealing with a master of deception, she has successfully decieved you for a long, long time. Do not trust anything she does, or says. You need to be strong here, set strong boundaries, and have strong consequences. It will be a bleak winter full of horrible storms for a long long time.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Bent. I didn't know MW H nor she my W. So I see how things can be different. My W told me that she could care less if MW dropped dead tonight, but she wasn't going to put any effort into dealing with her. Remember, my W emailed MW H about us...so I guess in her way she gave it back to MW.

 

My point to our poster here is that his wife was aware of her part in this and while it would be nice to exact revenge on the OM, it won't get him the peace he's seeking; I think. But I did say that he should process this anyway he sees fit and needs to.

 

Sorry man. I've spent time wondering how my MW H must feel and I'm reading your stuff and getting it. It's different for men and women. Keep venting out here, yell at me if you want...but nothing physical that you can't recover from..get it.

Yes I wish I could take revenge. No I am not going to risk prison, job, safety, etc. Thanks.

[TryingtoGoOn]

Hey trying----1st forget the OM, no vengeance nothing, if you ever got the chance and physically hurt him you end up in jail, that doesn't do your family any good. As to regret and remorse, regret really is not major here, she regrets what she did that applies to her. Remorse is the major player in/re. you and the mge. If she is showing very heavy and proper remorse fine, but regret not a major player. Your beef is with your W. not her A. partner. She was the one who cheated on you, she was the one who knew what she was doing was going to wreck her mge., and family , Did she ever think about the aftermath I doubt it, read confused's thread. she was the one who planned her sneaking, hiding, cheating manuevers. and she is the one who for 2 plus years has come home every night and looked you in the eyes and treated you as if everything was normal. She confessed only because she was being eaten alive with worry that somehow she would be caught. Do not treat this lightly, you need to be very strong about this, and she needs to pay for what she has done---What has she done , you might ask---She has basically murdered you---Prior to knowing what her greediness did, your days and thoughts were carefree, enjoyable, gay, light hearted, yes you had problems but the next day they were handled or gone, lmife was good, and enjoyable. This pain she has caused will never go away, the visions will remain, there is no more trust She has murdered the person in you that lived a normal happy life, now you are living, hey i don't have to describe it to you do I, you are living it. Your wife needs to pay for what she has done to your life, Also remember, you are dealing with a master of deception, she has successfully decieved you for a long, long time. Do not trust anything she does, or says. You need to be strong here, set strong boundaries, and have strong consequences. It will be a bleak winter full of horrible storms for a long long time.

I agree with your assesment of what she did. Unfortunately I don't really like the picture you are painting of my future. I hope it is not that bleak.

[LivinginaFog]

I am TryingtoGoOn's wife - found this when I was checking out responses to my post.

Honey - I am so sorry for what I have done. As I say to you each day, I love you and always have. I respect you. I love you more for willing to try to save our marriage when I was the one that made is come crumbling down. While I will never know the devestation I created, this is why I kept it a secret - not to numb my pain but to keep you from this hurt. The hurt I see in MC, the hurt I see at home at night, the hurt I see and hear in bed. While reading some of these responses is a slap in the face for how a cheater is seen - nothing compares to what I hear you say or see in your face. I have told you all, I have been honest since D-Day, I have given you all my accounts, numbers and whereabouts. I am working on changing my career to show you that I am committed to you and our family and not just committed to myself. I know that nothing I say or do will ever take away all the pain or return your life to how you wanted it to be, but I hold on to those that post the positive outcomes and to our MC who says that we have a strong foundation. I know I've cracked that foundation, but am trying now to mend it. thank you for being willing to take this walk with me - one towards healing. I owe you more than my life, but that is all I have to give. I am, and always will be, truly sorry.

[Spark1111]

Trying, it takes time, so be kind and accepting of yourself and your feelings, first. Talk about them with your wife on a daily basis if need be. The roller coaster is, unfortunately, a normal and painful state of being after the discovery of an affair. Eventually, as you grow stronger, it subsides. Take care of yourself. Realize that the affair was not your fault and own that feeling. Many marriages have room to improve, but cheating is never a healthy, mature, choice.

 

It is one of the most self-destructive choices a person can make, and doesn't that speak volumes to the emotional state of a cheater?

 

I too desperately wanted to confront the OW in my husband's affair and waited one year to call her. Guess what? She never returned my call. Big shocker, I know. At this point, I think I would only have one question: What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission to get involved with my MM and help destroy what I had spent 25 years building--a happy, secure family.

 

He faces the consequences of his actions every day in trying to rebuild this marriage and family. But her? I still wonder what she thinks. And in all honesty, while I have forgiven her too, I hope the day arrives when we accidently bump into one another. I'd have a lot to say.

[In Like Flynn]

Use all the resources you can to survive and recover your marriage. Sites like Marriagebuilders, Divorcebusting, and Save your marriage Central (SYMC) to name a few. Soome have very good techniques and counselors.

[imagine]

I am glad that you posted Livinginafog. Yours was a romantic affair that could very well have shaped your family life. You have correctly identified that you cannot know the depth of impact on your husbands heart.

 

There a phases which both of you need to understand. Roughly at about six months from the news, H may reconsider being married. You need to be listening and available to his rants. An average length of recovery is on average two years.

 

As I wrote to you before, there is no restitution, but freedom of information at all times will help speed recovery.

 

I recommend that you read at the Marriagebuilders article site. Read and keep on reading. There are MANY more things to recovery.