Should I just lose any hope I have left..was I wrong in my feelings

[NedFlanders]

Guys I have been suffering from depression for about 5 years, until I met this woman. We became great friends, we seen each other every day, and in a very short time she became my best friend. She changed my life in so many postive ways. Over time I did fall in love with her, but please listen to this I never did nor would I ever cross any lines with her, because she was married and most of all I loved being friends with her. She gave me something to look forward to everyday, but something did happen.

 

She left her husband, but not because of me, but because she was tired of all the verbal, mental abuse he wasing doing to her. It finally go out how he had been abusing her for years, and was violent toward her. Not phyiscally, but mentally, and breaking stuff etc. After about only two months away she went back to him. Her pastor, and so many others told her she was a sinner, and that she needed to give him another try. She admitted she did not love him, but it was the "right thing to do".

 

 

This is when I did cross the line, in that here I was never crossing any lines, in total love with this woman. She was my best friend. She has basically cut ties with all her friends including me, because as she said she has no choice, because he is insecure.

 

I have spoken or seen her in months, but I think about her everyday, and the way she did make made me feel. Is it wrong for me to still have these feelings? Is it wrong that I still have a little hope left in the fact she may finally come to her senses and leave him again? If we cannot be together romantically than that is fine, I just want my best friend back, and the way it was between us.

[Owl]

You can't have your best friend back...once you crossed the line into an emotional affair, the way back was forever lost.

 

If she's chosen to be with her H...regardless whether or not you agree that she should have...you should honor her decision and her promise to him, and stay out of her life.

 

If she contacts you in the future, after she's divorced...then there's the "possibility".

 

Until then, you live your life without her, and without hinging your life on the idea of her coming back.

[bentnotbroken]

You lost that right to have a friend. You should not be depending on someone else to pull you from a depression. That's not the type of thing that should be placed on someone else.

[Confused4Now]

You can't have your best friend back...once you crossed the line into an emotional affair, the way back was forever lost.

 

If she's chosen to be with her H...regardless whether or not you agree that she should have...you should honor her decision and her promise to him, and stay out of her life.

 

If she contacts you in the future, after she's divorced...then there's the "possibility".

 

Until then, you live your life without her, and without hinging your life on the idea of her coming back.

 

She'll be back...trust me. If its indeed abuse which it sounds like it. The fact that abuse prevents your friend from having friends is the basic characteristic of a abusive person. She'll get tired of it....

If she ever contacts you...give her this book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that" It will be a real eye opener for you and her....this book is what started my MW down the path of getting out of her marriage. But mind you her H is all about control and unless she wants to get out of it and it sounds like religion is a part of it too...it will be a huge uphill climb. The same thing I'm going through now.....

[Owl]

If it really is abuse.

 

Wayward spouses lie. To themselves most of all.

 

Men to to other women claiming that they're not getting any affection or sex from their wives.

 

Women go to other men claiming that they're emotionally abused and ignored.

 

Sometimes it's true...often, they tell the lie to much they believe it themselves, regardless of whether or not its true.

 

I'm not saying that its impossible that she's in an abusive relationship...I'm saying that the odds are very high that she would say that her marriage was abusive to convince herself and others that her choice to cheat was justified...regardless of the truth.

[NedFlanders]

She'll be back...trust me. If its indeed abuse which it sounds like it. The fact that abuse prevents your friend from having friends is the basic characteristic of a abusive person. She'll get tired of it....

If she ever contacts you...give her this book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that" It will be a real eye opener for you and her....this book is what started my MW down the path of getting out of her marriage. But mind you her H is all about control and unless she wants to get out of it and it sounds like religion is a part of it too...it will be a huge uphill climb. The same thing I'm going through now.....

 

 

Yeah, her H being all about control is an understatement. She is someone who got married at 16 and he was 26. I do not sit around just pouting and hoping she does come back, but I do as I said think about her and the good times we had. You are also right about the depression.

 

Like I said though she was a friend first above any feelings I had, even now I think. It was just like I mentioned when she went back I was so angry, because she was not doing what she wanted to. I was angry because here I was I thought in my mind who would do anything in this world for this person. Now I know you may say if you did not want to go back than she would not have went back, but she is not like that. She is the type of person where everyone else comes first, and she comes last. She would rather be miserable and make everyone else happy.

 

As far as staying out of her life, me along with people she has known for 15 or more years is out of her life, because he has made sure of that.

[NedFlanders]

If it really is abuse.

 

Wayward spouses lie. To themselves most of all.

 

Men to to other women claiming that they're not getting any affection or sex from their wives.

 

Women go to other men claiming that they're emotionally abused and ignored.

 

Sometimes it's true...often, they tell the lie to much they believe it themselves, regardless of whether or not its true.

 

I'm not saying that its impossible that she's in an abusive relationship...I'm saying that the odds are very high that she would say that her marriage was abusive to convince herself and others that her choice to cheat was justified...regardless of the truth.

 

 

She never cheated with me or anyone. Heck my feelings for her were never even discussed until the very last day I saw her when she told me she was going back to him.

[tami-chan]

She never cheated with me or anyone. Heck my feelings for her were never even discussed until the very last day I saw her when she told me she was going back to him.

 

Yes, I was quite perplexed where some people got the idea that she was having an affair with you. Boy, do we jump the gun here.

 

Unfortunately, Ned, you have to respect her decision to go back to her husband,. It is HER life, HER marriage, HER choice. Now, you must choose to love her enough to let her be, and not "bother" her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

We're these so called friends "friends of the marriage?" if not then you could understand why he doesnt want his wife around people who are bad influences. I'm sure if you was married and tyour wife had a toxic girlfriend and you wanted to rebuild you would place boundries on how much the toxicGF interacts with your wife.

 

Some people can ruin a marriage from the outside too.

 

You are not just her friend you need to get that through your head. Her husband is and is supposed to be her number one best friend. all others in the backseat.

 

You need to move on, why do you sound so desperate for a woman who is taken??? move on. it's over, the friendship is over. it's over...

[Confused4Now]

Yeah, her H being all about control is an understatement. She is someone who got married at 16 and he was 26. I do not sit around just pouting and hoping she does come back, but I do as I said think about her and the good times we had. You are also right about the depression.

 

Like I said though she was a friend first above any feelings I had, even now I think. It was just like I mentioned when she went back I was so angry, because she was not doing what she wanted to. I was angry because here I was I thought in my mind who would do anything in this world for this person. Now I know you may say if you did not want to go back than she would not have went back, but she is not like that. She is the type of person where everyone else comes first, and she comes last. She would rather be miserable and make everyone else happy.

 

As far as staying out of her life, me along with people she has known for 15 or more years is out of her life, because he has made sure of that.

Sounds like she's co-dependant as well...like others have said...abuse makes them lie like a mother...so be carefull been there done that...like I said it has not been fun.

[Tired03]

We're these so called friends "friends of the marriage?" if not then you could understand why he doesnt want his wife around people who are bad influences. I'm sure if you was married and tyour wife had a toxic girlfriend and you wanted to rebuild you would place boundries on how much the toxicGF interacts with your wife.

 

Seriously?

 

Let me give you all a hint. If someone says there is abuse in a marriage, verbal or physical, LISTEN TO THEM.

 

It takes a lot for someone to admit that their spouse is abusive. A TON. Took me years, even though I knew it (and I'm a smart gal, but admitting it was TOUGH). People did give me static for leaving - a ton, and I went back. He's now on meds for bipolar and has taken the batterer classes and seems to be making progress but I will ALWAYS be on guard. ALWAYS.

 

It was hella hard to leave the first time. Terrible. Because you get broken down to the point where nothing makes sense anymore. If you haven't been through it you cannot judge.

 

Men who control and abuse, who are insecure, are not trying to rebuild. They are trying to control the situation to make themselves feel better. Typically they are narcissistic and the whole world revolves around THEM.

 

So, while I think you all are trying to prevent a situation of infidelity to occur, I want to make it VERY VERY clear that when someone even mentions the possibility of abuse, you need to LISTEN. It's most likely not a lie - and just like threats of suicide need to be taken very seriously, so do confessions of abusive behavior.

 

I also recommend the Lundy book. One thing that as a friend of someone in a situation like this...you have to be very very careful about how you help. Be an ear, provide her the book, and then take a step back. Oftentimes it takes women multiple times to escape an abusive relationship, and you cannot rush that process.

 

best of luck to both of you.

[Confused4Now]

Seriously?

 

Let me give you all a hint. If someone says there is abuse in a marriage, verbal or physical, LISTEN TO THEM.

 

It takes a lot for someone to admit that their spouse is abusive. A TON. Took me years, even though I knew it (and I'm a smart gal, but admitting it was TOUGH). People did give me static for leaving - a ton, and I went back. He's now on meds for bipolar and has taken the batterer classes and seems to be making progress but I will ALWAYS be on guard. ALWAYS.

 

It was hella hard to leave the first time. Terrible. Because you get broken down to the point where nothing makes sense anymore. If you haven't been through it you cannot judge.

 

Men who control and abuse, who are insecure, are not trying to rebuild. They are trying to control the situation to make themselves feel better. Typically they are narcissistic and the whole world revolves around THEM.

 

So, while I think you all are trying to prevent a situation of infidelity to occur, I want to make it VERY VERY clear that when someone even mentions the possibility of abuse, you need to LISTEN. It's most likely not a lie - and just like threats of suicide need to be taken very seriously, so do confessions of abusive behavior.

 

I also recommend the Lundy book. One thing that as a friend of someone in a situation like this...you have to be very very careful about how you help. Be an ear, provide her the book, and then take a step back. Oftentimes it takes women multiple times to escape an abusive relationship, and you cannot rush that process.

 

best of luck to both of you.

 

AMEN...Finally someone gets that!!!!

[Owl]

I would completely agree...except for all those women who also claim abuse when none exists...because abuse, like rape, is one of those "presumed guilty until proven innocent" charges...and so it's one of the best plays they can take to get sympathy and let them get away with behavior that otherwise they could never do.

 

I'm not arguing that any report of abuse requires the INVESTIGATION needed to prove or disprove.

 

If she reported abuse...then the OP should have gone to the authorities. HE certainly isn't capable of doing anything about it.

 

This gets the truth out there, and the opportunity for the abused person to get the help that they need.

 

But accepting the cry of abuse as a valid reason for someone to cheat or otherwise treat their marriage/spouse whatever like crap? Nope.

[Confused4Now]

 

If she reported abuse...then the OP should have gone to the authorities. HE certainly isn't capable of doing anything about it.

 

Well how do you report emotional and verbal abuse?

[Owl]

Hmmm...good point.

 

Physical abuse is easy to identify and document. Verbal and emotional is not.

 

So your point is well taken.

 

I'd add that there is nothing that you can DO about that situation.

 

Until she opts to do something about the situation herself, or until the abuse morphs into physical as well, which you CAN report...you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it.

 

And...I still stand by what I've said as well. If she's made the claim of abuse, especially emotional/mental...but you have no other proof of it...its still entirely possible that she's made up the accusation to justify actions that would otherwise be unsupportable.

 

My wife was good friends with a woman who was cheating on her H with another man...this woman claimed that her H abused her, and that this other guy was her "support system". I came home from being out of state, met her, met him...and our families became friends. It turned out that this woman was a serial cheater...and there was no history of ANY kind of abuse at all in her family situation.

 

The only real abuse that was happening there was her abuse of her husband...emotionally and mentally.

 

Are all situations like this? No...not at all.

 

But neither is everytime a woman claiming her husband treats her badly the truth.

[Confused4Now]

Hmmm...good point.

 

Physical abuse is easy to identify and document. Verbal and emotional is not.

 

So your point is well taken.

 

I'd add that there is nothing that you can DO about that situation.

 

Until she opts to do something about the situation herself, or until the abuse morphs into physical as well, which you CAN report...you're not going to be able to do a damn thing about it.

 

And...I still stand by what I've said as well. If she's made the claim of abuse, especially emotional/mental...but you have no other proof of it...its still entirely possible that she's made up the accusation to justify actions that would otherwise be unsupportable.

 

My wife was good friends with a woman who was cheating on her H with another man...this woman claimed that her H abused her, and that this other guy was her "support system". I came home from being out of state, met her, met him...and our families became friends. It turned out that this woman was a serial cheater...and there was no history of ANY kind of abuse at all in her family situation.

 

The only real abuse that was happening there was her abuse of her husband...emotionally and mentally.

 

Are all situations like this? No...not at all.

 

But neither is everytime a woman claiming her husband treats her badly the truth.

Again what I'll say is the person who is the abuser is the charmer...it's always the case and yes it doesn't say much for the person who cheats on them...but their is a reason for it. Abuse can make people do weird things especially if they feel they can never get out of a situation.

[Tired03]

I came home from being out of state, met her, met him...and our families became friends. It turned out that this woman was a serial cheater...and there was no history of ANY kind of abuse at all in her family situation.

 

So you were there for every conversation? Every interaction between them?

 

Abusers ARE charmers...masters of making the woman look like a liar and stupid on top of everything else...masters of making everyone around them say "my god, she's got to be lying, that man could NEVER be guilty of any of that"

 

Yea, my ex did that. Verbal abuse consisted of tongue lashings about being a sl*t, wh*re etc (over a cigarette, no less) yet he was a pillar of the community and when I left, he had his entire church praying that I would come back. Convinced THEM that I had left for another man and that I was a cheater.

 

Physical abuse included blocking, holes in the wall and other intimidation and threats. I didn't report it because I was too young to know really what qualified as abuse.

 

Called me on the phone and told me that he understood how people who committed double homicide-suicides could do it.

 

And yet, because he had made no "real threat" I couldn't do anything and was forever branded by the small town/area where we lived as a cheater.

 

Don't take things at face value. This topic gets me hot around the collar, can you tell?

 

But, you are correct, the OP cannot DO anything about it, but support her.

[65tr6]

She never cheated with me or anyone. Heck my feelings for her were never even discussed until the very last day I saw her when she told me she was going back to him.

 

hmmm. I am not sure. Does her husband know about your and her "friendship" ? I would say there was some emotional affair going on here between you two. Why would she confide in you about what her husband did to her ? Could she not call women's hotline instead ?

 

Back to your question, it appears that you are in love or have strong feelings of love for her. Hmmm, wonder if that is affair or not. Do her and her husband a big favor. Leave her alone for rest of your life or until she is completely divorced. Does she have any kids ?

 

If you truely have the "guts" or want to "save" her from her husband, see if you can knock on their door like a man.....Cant do it, can you ? I think you know the answer.

 

It would be interesting to hear the story from her husband's perspective.

[Confused4Now]

hmmm. I am not sure. Does her husband know about your and her "friendship" ? I would say there was some emotional affair going on here between you two. Why would she confide in you about what her husband did to her ? Could she not call women's hotline instead ?

 

Back to your question, it appears that you are in love or have strong feelings of love for her. Hmmm, wonder if that is affair or not. Do her and her husband a big favor. Leave her alone for rest of your life or until she is completely divorced. Does she have any kids ?

 

If you truely have the "guts" or want to "save" her from her husband, see if you can knock on their door like a man.....Cant do it, can you ? I think you know the answer.

 

It would be interesting to hear the story from her husband's perspective.

 

In my story I knocked on the door and guess what...abusive men are cowards!!! It's the main reason why they pick on women....I certainly called him out several times just to get clarity but he never came out and he was right behind the door. Sorry this is so close to home for me...it just really gets me going.....

[sadintexas]

I would completely agree...except for all those women who also claim abuse when none exists...because abuse, like rape, is one of those "presumed guilty until proven innocent" charges...and so it's one of the best plays they can take to get sympathy and let them get away with behavior that otherwise they could never do.

 

I'm not arguing that any report of abuse requires the INVESTIGATION needed to prove or disprove.

 

If she reported abuse...then the OP should have gone to the authorities. HE certainly isn't capable of doing anything about it.

 

This gets the truth out there, and the opportunity for the abused person to get the help that they need.

 

But accepting the cry of abuse as a valid reason for someone to cheat or otherwise treat their marriage/spouse whatever like crap? Nope.

 

Owl,

 

I know you're a very respected poster and very astute, but I don't see anywhere where he has stated she used this as a reason to justify anything. There was no affair. It is not even known if SHE has feelings for OP, only that he has feelings for her.

 

Having been abused by my exH, I never once thought that I should go out and have an affair. I never used it as a card to excuse any type of behavior that I exhibited. It was embarassing and confusing and only a few people knew for a long time because of the shame it brought with it. It was not certainly something I advertised at the time it happened. I can share it more easily now because I have healed, but then, it was not an easy thing to do. Abusers have a way of making you think you're responsible for their actions, so in a large way, the abused take on a sense of guilt for what's happening to them.

 

Perhaps there are women that would claim that to gain sympathy or use it as a justification, but I wouldn't think that would be a "normal" thing. Maybe used by those that are disordered themselves. Of course, I know there's the argument made by some that all or most cheaters are abusers and disordered, but I haven't bought into that philosophy yet.

[Tired03]

hmmm. I am not sure. Does her husband know about your and her "friendship" ? I would say there was some emotional affair going on here between you two. Why would she confide in you about what her husband did to her ? Could she not call women's hotline instead ?

 

I missed this earlier.

 

Sure, she *could* call a women's hotline. But I didn't do that until I had several friends who all told me that his behavior wasn't right. Abuse really muddles you, to the point where you don't know what is right and what is wrong. (In my case, it wasn't clear cut, yes, there was some physical abuse but it was mostly emotional and verbal). When I did call the hotline, my question wasn't "what do I do", it was "is this really abuse, because I'm confused".

 

So, really, although it seems cut and dry, this type of attitude "why doesn't she just leave" "why doesn't she just call a hotline" is not useful.