Is my relationship doomed to fail? You be the judge..

[No1sfool]

Ok here is the truth (my truth), the whole truth and nothing but.

We have been together since about Halloween.

Everthing started off so well... except for the fact that he, from day one, had tonssss of females on his myspace. He said they were all just friends and I had nothing to worry about and that he told me upfront that he had alot of female friends. Shhhaaaaaa whatever! So very early on this was a huge thing for me because I had my gut telling me otherwise. I would also see him logged on to messenger late at night and he would tell me he wasnt online. Shhhhhhhhaa whatever! Then we started seeing eachother on a more regular basis (even though we werent bf/gf 'offically') and he said couple of times that he was going to 'play poker'. I always remembered that just in case they were ever to be called into question since I had my doubts. Well... I would say even though we werent 'offical' that we were still pretty serious since by this point he would stay that night at my house one night during the weekends. Well, he is a heavy sleeper and fell asleep one night kinda early and I checked his phone since he is always super protective over his phone, and I found texts from other girls and one from a facebook account. So I went online and found out he had some secret facebook I knew nothing about. He later said he didnt tell me because he knew I would get mad and blahh blah. Well he was saying some flirty comments to some chick and tried to play it off. I made him log into his myspace and his email to see what he was up to. His myspace was FULL of msgs he sent to woman and they sent to him. Not so innocent. By the time I found these things out we were offical. We made up... after he told me how sorry he was... shhhhhhhhhhhaaa WHATEVER!

The next day I had remembered his email password and decided to take a closer look into his emails and found some of 'gay' nature. Oh I also left out that I found some weird dialed number on his cell which was a gay chat line. He said it was a mistake and he dialed the wrong number. I dont really believe that after I found the emails. They were of trying to find some casual male fun.. if you follow. I never asked him about that and am too scared to.

After 'making up' he moved in with me and everything was going sooooooo great. Shhhaaa whatever! No they really were. Until I got suspisious again.. Something still didnt seem quit right. He left his email open couple months ago and I got his myspace password. Haha!!!!! I could not believe my eyes! This man! He would get to work and literally, all DAY be sending random females flirty msgs!! OMG! "Hey, LOVE OF MY LIFE!" "My weekend was sooo lonely without you!" Excuss me! You were with me all weekend, Mr. IwassoooooLonely!

Well one thing lead to another and I emailed one of them he was ohh so friendly with and that I had gathered he meet up with before. She said that they met up twice for lunch and that was it. This may have taken place during our 'un-offical' period but we were very much together if we were having 'relations' and he was staying the night sometimes. I finally confronted him. Not with how I knew anything that I knew but that he needed to start talking because I knew somethings. He did. He ONLY said he did meet up with couple people before, but he did nothing with them. Hey... remember I only knew of one girl that he met up with. Guess when I figured the other was... POKER NIGHT!

To make a REALY long story short we made up.. kinda. He deleted his myspace and facebook. Well... in less then a week after I discovered all of this he made a fake myspace acount and added tons of females! Shhhaaaaaaa! He then apologized and said sorry, blahhhhhhhh, blahhhhhhh and this is where we are now. The last bit took place in early Feb. I still do not forgive him and I do not trust him. This he all knows! Is it possible to move past all this? What things should he be doing to earn my trust? Earn his second chance? Is he gay??? Is he just a little curious?

:(HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

[EllieBean]

If I were you, I would dump him. He hasn't been honest with you from the beginning, he's been lying to you about playing poker when really he's with other women, he's been messaging other women (and men too which is even worse), he may even be gay if he's calling gay chatlines. Despite having been caught out several times and promising not to do it again, he still keeps betraying your trust.

 

Don't give him an opportunity to earn back your trust, because he won't do it, he'll just lie to you and betray you again. Dump his sorry ass and find a decent guy who wants you, and only you - preferably a guy who's actually into girls, not boys!

[Kaii]

OMG, are you serious?

 

Why do you keep giving him more and more chances? When will it be enough in your eyes? When he gives you an STD, or maybe when he gets one of these girls pregnant?

 

You deserve better than this.

 

He is obviously not trustworthy, esp. after he "closed down his email and Myspace" but then immediately opened up another fake account. Get a life, buddy.

 

This relationship is not going to change, it's just going to keep going on and on like this until you get fed up enough and dump him.

 

Hopefully, that will be soon......

[No1sfool]

So you don't think it's ever possible to move past this? Since I am giving him a second chance since we live together, what things should he be doing to gain my trust? I have no idea what he is up to at work which is where he would 'get himself into trouble' sitting infront of the computer all day. Thanks for your advice! I just needed some feed back on things I cant really tell people. Oh, and if he is gay.. why is he with me? Why does he want marriage and family?

[Kaii]

Well, for starters he should stop breaking his word. He should be accountable for all his actions. I believe he should do whatever the hell you want him to do at this point, he should get on his knees and beg your forgiveness for acting like such a sneaky piece of crap.

 

As for being gay, who knows. Only he knows the truth, but I think the evidence you've uncovered so far would point in that direction...or bi curious, at the very least. Straight men don't call gay sex lines, know what I mean?

 

Also, you asked why he would want to get married and have children, this is still not an indicator of him being a heterosexual. Lots of gay men get married and have kids....and then leave years later when they finally admit the truth to themselves.

[No1sfool]

Yes... all of this I know.

I guess you just need to hear what other people have to say about it all.

So, should I ever confront that issue or just leave it alone? The 'gay' issue that is.

[Kaii]

So what are your options here....confront him about it or continue to live in denial. It seems pretty clear to me what you should do, but be forewarned that he may not be ready to admit the truth to you. He may not even be ready to admit t to himself.

 

But, I re read your original post and you mentioned that you had found emails that he had exchanged with other men in which he was looking for sex, or "casual male fun" as you called it. You didn't go into great detail and seemed to gloss over it. Perhaps you are in denial too, because I hate to be the one to break it to you, but straight guys don't go looking for other men for "casual male fun".

 

If that little discovery isn't a ginormous red flag right there, I don't know what else you need as proof.

[No1sfool]

Well, I wouldnt really think I was in denial if I went as far as to acknowledge it and bring the topic up. I dont know what I am. I guess I just dont know how to approach the subject since I have NEVER had to deal with ANYTHING like this before. I mean he clearly likes woman for him to be so persistant in the things he was doing that had to do with his myspace and whatnot. I didnt try to gloss over the things about the casual male fun, more so just leaving out the 'blowing, rimming' details since they make me cringe thinking about him wanting that or actually saying those things. They are sooo out of charater for the person I know. Maybe truth of the matter is I really dont know him. OMG! WOW!

I really love him. I do. We are adults, he's about to be thirty on Easter.

I know he would NEVER admit to being gay. He would be so mortified. The funny thing is, my brother is gay so I kinda know how he acts or maybe things to watch out for. Then again maybe I dont. I know my brother has never lead on that he though my bf was gay. He deffinitly doesnt act gay or do gay things. He loves football and baseball. However, he is very much into celeb gossip. Dont know exactly how gay that is or if its just him being infatuated with female celebs. Gahhh I dunno. Hahaha I guess I could go on and on all day, but I cant right now. Oh, and another thing, he would never ever tell his dad if he was gay. His dad would not accept it. I dont think my bf would accept it. He doesnt like to really let his dad into his personal life too much. That is not unless it has to do with my son. His dad and step mom love my son as does my bf.

[EllieBean]

After what he has done, there is nothing he could do that could persuade me to trust him again. If you keep ignoring the warning signs and allowing him to treat you like this, you have nobody but yourself to blame for the problems that will undoubtedly follow.

[Trialbyfire]

OP, why are you so worried about gay when your b/f is a liar and completely untrustworthy?

[No1sfool]

I guess because I want to know if it is possible to work on things and move past them and if so then I would need to know how to deal with that topic of him being gay or curious.

[Trialbyfire]

Think about it this way. If a puppy piddles on your carpet time and again, but you do nothing about it, do you suppose the puppy will house train itself?

[No1sfool]

Well in then your saying by comparing that way, that I should break him of these habbits and re train him? I surely wouldnt just get rid of a puppy from lack of training on my part. So are you saying I should get rid of the puppy? I guess I am quit confused with your terminology.

[EllieBean]

Gay or not is beside the point... he is a liar and a cheater, and you don't want a guy like that. You could try to move past it, but if he's already lied and cheated I very much doubt if he will stop. Get some self respect - stand up for yourself and say that you will not be lied to and cheated on, and then dump him and find a decent guy who won't do those things.

[Trialbyfire]

He's turning 30. As a puppy, he's obviously been allowed to piddle on the carpet too long either without consequences or caring for his actions. Can you retrain a mature dog not to piddle on the carpet? You decide. My personal take would be that for the short amount of time you've put into this relationship, it's not worth the grief.

[No1sfool]

So, I guess my other question would be has he really cheated? I know what I think about it and how I feel, but did he?

Oh and thank you everyone who has taken time to give me advice, dont think that I am not taking it in.

[No1sfool]

He's turning 30. As a puppy, he's obviously been allowed to piddle on the carpet too long either without consequences or caring for his actions. Can you retrain a mature dog not to piddle on the carpet? You decide. My personal take would be that for the short amount of time you've put into this relationship, it's not worth the grief.

 

Well all...

 

I found him piddling again...

The last 'incedent' of me finding him doing something online was Feb 6th and we had been trying to work on us. Well he wasnt really putting much effort forth like he should have.

I didnt trust him. He knew it. He had done nothing for me to trust him again. He said he wasnt online looking for people anymore. He said he didnt know what to do to try to show me he wasnt doing those things anymore.

Well... I couldnt let that sleeping dog lie.. no really... LIE!

 

I decided to download some stuff to monitor our computer yesterday and casualy need to run out when we got home from work so I could see if he got online and what he was doing....

 

He has yet another fake myspace account!

Just a chit chattin with more woman. What is goin on here? The picture isnt even of him! I havent said anything to him yet... quit frankly I dont know what to say, plus not to mention his bday is Sunday...

[2sunny]

i smell a troll... Sunday is his birthday! ... wtf? who cares???

 

anyway, i'll bite.

 

tell him - GET OUT, GET OUT NOW! that's my answer.

[Island Girl]

He has yet another fake myspace account!

Just a chit chattin with more woman. What is goin on here? The picture isnt even of him! I havent said anything to him yet... quit frankly I dont know what to say, plus not to mention his bday is Sunday...

 

He lied - I forgave him (everything is good)

 

He lied - I forgave him (everything is good)

 

He lied - I forgave him (everything is good)

 

And this has happened how many times now?

 

Going behind your back doing deceitful things, lying to you, saying again (and again) he's sorry and it won't happen again (but it does).

 

Staying in the relationship and expecting him to be any different makes as much sense as closing your eyes and thinking you can change a brick into water.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Fool me once - shame on you.

Fool me twice - shame on me.

 

Fool me eight times - ?

" " ten times -?

 

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

 

In answer to your original post.

 

No I don't think it will work out.

 

And as long as you stay in this relationship you will be chained to your suspicions, set up for pain (and you know it), and lied to continuously.

 

You have now become a prisoner of your own policing.

You are the one who has to check and double check.

 

Why bother if, when you find out that you are correct (and why wouldn't you be at this point), all you do is accept it anyway?

 

You are like the ostrich with the head in the sand - only you pull your head out and look around - find what you knew was happening - and then put your head back in the sand again.

 

Even when you are "happy" I can tell you right now you really aren't. You are just waiting for another bomb to go off.

 

How exhausting. Do you even know why you are so addicted to this man?

[2sunny]

this is the original question...

 

 

Is my relationship doomed to fail? You be the judge..

 

uuuum, if you haven't figured out that it's already failed then i'm unsure what you view as a success... good luck with that.

[No1sfool]

And this has happened how many times now?

 

 

 

Even when you are "happy" I can tell you right now you really aren't. You are just waiting for another bomb to go off.

 

How exhausting. Do you even know why you are so addicted to this man?

 

 

I wouldnt say in anyway that I am addicted to him.. Before we met I was 100% independent and self sufficant. Which was something I wasnt in prior years.

Now I feel so dependent on him for my emotional needs and a little bit of financal. I have to have companion in my life, I hate being alone. Help any?