sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hi guys: So I have been out five times with this guy. The first four times were really fun, though he is shy in person, and seemed a bit anxious. On the 4th date I thought we had gotten over the anxious part, and had a wonderful time with him that night. Anyway, fifth date rolls around. Things are going smoothly, then I ask him a simple question about his work situation, and he goes off verbally about it. Not just your normal "my job sucks" type thing that a lot of people have sometimes, but way, way over the top. Semi yelling, not at me, but the world. Just weird stuff. Afterwards, when we imed I tried to find out what happened, and he so, so obviously wanted to push the incident under the rug. He has been super nice to me the last couple of days. On Saturday night, I decided though in my head, that I won't be able to continue with him. I, however, want to do this in a very delicate manner, so as not to upset him. (He has all my contact info.) The episode on Friday was a bit chilling. I don't think I should tell him I was scared by Friday. (previously he had said he was seeing a psychologist, but I have too, and I am mentally pretty healthy.) So I'm thinking of fudging a bit. Anyone know of a good half truth? Also should I do this in person or online? (our two modes of communication.) Should I say we can be friends or not? I'm thinking it may comfort him to know we can be friends, but I REALLY don't want him to have any notion that it can be more. I was thinking of doing this tonight or tomorroow morning since he sees the psychologist tomorrow. BTW, I know that this is nowhere like a breakup any of you have experienced, but I think that he'll think it is.Thanks.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Honesty is always the best policy. If you offer him a friendship, which I dont think you are at all serious about, what happens when he says 'sure, lets hang out as friends'. Your only choices at that point would be to lie some more, or ignore him. Either of which will probably not make it any better for either of you. Call him, say you had fun, and enjoyed the time together, but you simply dont feel attracted to him as a boyfriend. No wishy washy crap, thats only going to make things worse, and really - its the easy way out. I realize you dont want to say the whole truth because then you'll feel bad, but its really the only way to make everything perfectly clear and not waste anyone's time. Treat people as you want to be treated. If that was you, would you want a half truth and a hollow offer of friendship? No, you would be upset, as would anyone else.
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Yikes, tough one. While I've always advocated honesty, when you encounter someone with mental issues, damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would be tempted to use the "it's not you but me" line. The last thing you want is for him to redirect the over-the-top hostility towards you. Harboured resentments coupled with an inability to control negative emotions, can be a dangerous mix.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Honesty is always the best policy. If you offer him a friendship, which I dont think you are at all serious about, what happens when he says 'sure, lets hang out as friends'. Your only choices at that point would be to lie some more, or ignore him. Either of which will probably not make it any better for either of you. Call him, say you had fun, and enjoyed the time together, but you simply dont feel attracted to him as a boyfriend. No wishy washy crap, thats only going to make things worse, and really - its the easy way out. I realize you dont want to say the whole truth because then you'll feel bad, but its really the only way to make everything perfectly clear and not waste anyone's time. Treat people as you want to be treated. If that was you, would you want a half truth and a hollow offer of friendship? No, you would be upset, as would anyone else. I actually wouldn't mind being friends with him. However in this case you are probably right. It's not so much that I will feel bad. I have been devestatatingly honest with other guys, but I don't want him to be mad at me, and act irrationally. And when I said "half truth". I kind of meant what you suggested , as opposed to telling him the full truth that he might not be mentally healthy enough for me, which could maybe cause less than desireable outcomes.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Yikes, tough one. While I've always advocated honesty, when you encounter someone with mental issues, damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would be tempted to use the "it's not you but me" line. The last thing you want is for him to redirect the over-the-top hostility towards you. Harboured resentments coupled with an inability to control negative emotions, can be a dangerous mix. And he has all the ways to get a hold of mme, and make life hard. And I don't know how much you have read my posts, but I'm kind of more physically vulnerable than most people. Thank you for understanding the situation. I was thinking of couching it in being my fault, because I think it would be unwise to pin any, any blame on him. I just want to get out of this as safely as possible.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I know how you feel, I've had a couple unstable people I've dated in the past. One that comes to mind would wait in her car out front of my house for hours on end, hoping to catch me walking in/out of my apartment. I was honestly kind of scared, too. This went on for about a month. The thing was, it got worse because I was half truthing her myself. Had I just been honest, told her thanks but no thanks, and never waivered from that stance, she probably would have taken it much beter. Also, don't feel as though it has to be someones 'fault' that youre not interested anymore. You gave him 5 dates, long enough to make a decision, and decided against going further. There is nothing wrong with saying I appreciate the time we spent, but don't think it will work out. As for the less than desirable outcomes, like I tell my friends all the time, doing things to make other people less upset at you usually does the opposite, especially if 'half truths/lies' are involved. If you say its not you, its me, and then he happens to see you out on a date next weekend, trust me - he's going to be a million times more upset than if you just told him 'im not interested in dating you anymore'. Surprisingly, people actually take that much better, at least its honest. I seriously think the best way to handle this is to do what I said, tell him the truth, and leave the friends bit out. If you were into a guy, went out on 5 dates, and then he said he wasnt interested but offered a frienship, I have a hard time believing that you would be interested in it. No one usually is. Also, if this guy is unstable and youre fearful to an extent, you want him OUT of your life, for good. I know what youre thinking, Ive had ex's with the keys to my place, who knew where I lived, worked, that I was alone...but the chances of someone actually doing something are not very high. And for the sake of quelching any negative reactions, you just have to tell the whole truth.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 I know how you feel, I've had a couple unstable people I've dated in the past. One that comes to mind would wait in her car out front of my house for hours on end, hoping to catch me walking in/out of my apartment. I was honestly kind of scared, too. This went on for about a month. The thing was, it got worse because I was half truthing her myself. Had I just been honest, told her thanks but no thanks, and never waivered from that stance, she probably would have taken it much beter. Also, don't feel as though it has to be someones 'fault' that youre not interested anymore. You gave him 5 dates, long enough to make a decision, and decided against going further. There is nothing wrong with saying I appreciate the time we spent, but don't think it will work out. As for the less than desirable outcomes, like I tell my friends all the time, doing things to make other people less upset at you usually does the opposite, especially if 'half truths/lies' are involved. If you say its not you, its me, and then he happens to see you out on a date next weekend, trust me - he's going to be a million times more upset than if you just told him 'im not interested in dating you anymore'. Surprisingly, people actually take that much better, at least its honest. I seriously think the best way to handle this is to do what I said, tell him the truth, and leave the friends bit out. If you were into a guy, went out on 5 dates, and then he said he wasnt interested but offered a frienship, I have a hard time believing that you would be interested in it. No one usually is. Also, if this guy is unstable and youre fearful to an extent, you want him OUT of your life, for good. I know what youre thinking, Ive had ex's with the keys to my place, who knew where I lived, worked, that I was alone...but the chances of someone actually doing something are not very high. And for the sake of quelching any negative reactions, you just have to tell the whole truth. I agree about the friends part. He could do what I did after my last long term relationship, and take an offer of friendship to mean there is a chance for us. In my case though it was long term relationship , and I don't have the anger issues he obviously has, so it was was just pathetic notes. (Clearly mentally unhealthy in another way, but not threatening or at all mean.) I wasn't planning on telling him I don't want to date anyone or anything like that. I took a break from dating for like three years, and have no intention of returning to a break, lol. And I just couldn't full out lie to him. And lying would just anger him, which I don't want, lol. I consider a half truth to be something like "I'm just not attracted to you, it's not you, it is me. I wish you the best in life". The half truth would be that it IS abot him, but it softens the blow a bit.
Thomas X Forever Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Forget everything you have read in this topic so far. You have only two options. Firstly, you say you still are in love with your ex... and that just won't change and you realize that now. OR Your other option is saying you have herpes and AIDS. Choose wisely.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 it's not you, it is me As soon as any man hears that statement, his BS alarm is going to be ringing loudly. EVERYONE knows that is total BS, and something someone says to try and soften the blow, and NO ONE likes it. I've realized that dating, and dealing with people in general, is counter-intuitive. While you want to spare his feelings and soften the blow, making a statement with the dreaded 'it's not you, it is me' in it at all only does the exact opposite. Anyone who has ever said that to me can take a long walk off a short pier. I personally take it as being so unimportant that you couldnt even be honest with me, and my perception of that person plummets. Here is what would be the best thing to possibly say: 'I've enjoyed our dates, and you have been fun to hang out with, but I'm just not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. It's nothing personal, I just don't feel the spark, and feel like we would be better off dating other people'. It's not vague, its not a lie, and it doesnt leave open any room for interpretation. Trust me, if you leave the smallest crack in what you tell him, he's going to try and push himself in there. Softening the blow is just not going to happen. Regardless of what you say, the underlying message is that you dont want to date him - thats all he's going to hear. You can tell him any number of ways, but the message remains the same, so its pointless to fudge words around to make it seem less harsh. Its always going to suck. And honestly, some of the breakups Ive appreciated the most have been the harshest initially.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Forget everything you have read in this topic so far. You have only two options. Firstly, you say you still are in love with your ex... and that just won't change and you realize that now. OR Your other option is saying you have herpes and AIDS. Choose wisely. I could pull the first one off better. LOL. He knows I have worked as a volunteer with AIDS patients so would have told him that like within a first email! I see your point though. I once told a one night stand that I had turned into a lesbian, lol. But we didn't really know each other, lol.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 As soon as any man hears that statement, his BS alarm is going to be ringing loudly. EVERYONE knows that is total BS, and something someone says to try and soften the blow, and NO ONE likes it. I've realized that dating, and dealing with people in general, is counter-intuitive. While you want to spare his feelings and soften the blow, making a statement with the dreaded 'it's not you, it is me' in it at all only does the exact opposite. Anyone who has ever said that to me can take a long walk off a short pier. I personally take it as being so unimportant that you couldnt even be honest with me, and my perception of that person plummets. Here is what would be the best thing to possibly say: 'I've enjoyed our dates, and you have been fun to hang out with, but I'm just not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. It's nothing personal, I just don't feel the spark, and feel like we would be better off dating other people'. It's not vague, its not a lie, and it doesnt leave open any room for interpretation. Trust me, if you leave the smallest crack in what you tell him, he's going to try and push himself in there. Softening the blow is just not going to happen. Regardless of what you say, the underlying message is that you dont want to date him - thats all he's going to hear. You can tell him any number of ways, but the message remains the same, so its pointless to fudge words around to make it seem less harsh. Its always going to suck. And honestly, some of the breakups Ive appreciated the most have been the harshest initially. I like the "it's nothing personal" approach. What if he (as I suspect he will) asks to be friends?
Thomas X Forever Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Don't listen to these people who tell you to say things like "I'm just not interested in perusing a romantic relationship, I'm not attracted" or anything like that. View him as a narcissist or someone with a very fragile ego. You CANNOT say ANYTHING like that to him. You MUST say something like what I told you. About how you're still in love with your first ex and that won't change and you realize that now. That's all you can do. Trust me I beg you to trust me.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I like the "it's nothing personal" approach. What if he (as I suspect he will) asks to be friends? Just say, 'Im not saying no, but give things some time to settle in first. I dont want to try and be friends too soon, and potentially ruin the chances of it'. Its honest, its direct, and it leaves no room for misunderstandings. Thomas, you cant be serious - can you? Those are obvious lies, and theyre only going to piss the guy off.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Just say, 'Im not saying no, but give things some time to settle in first. I dont want to try and be friends too soon, and potentially ruin the chances of it'. Its honest, its direct, and it leaves no room for misunderstandings. Thomas, you cant be serious - can you? Those are obvious lies, and theyre only going to piss the guy off. And where I'm at in terms of thinking about exes has friends. My last ex and I tried to be friends right after the breakup, and it was a complete disaster.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 And where I'm at in terms of thinking about exes has friends. My last ex and I tried to be friends right after the breakup, and it was a complete disaster. Honestly, the friends thing never really works. In this situation, he obviously wants more than that, so he would only go along with it in hopes that it will turn into more, and you'll have countless talks/bad vibes to deal with indefinitely. I'm not friends with any ex of mine at all.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Honestly, the friends thing never really works. In this situation, he obviously wants more than that, so he would only go along with it in hopes that it will turn into more, and you'll have countless talks/bad vibes to deal with indefinitely. I'm not friends with any ex of mine at all. Yes, that was kind of me after my last breakup, (me agreeing to be friends just so I could get back together with him.) but with this guy having much more anger issues, and with my ex and I actually having a real, long term relationship as opposed to this just dating thing, that he believes is more.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Yes, that was kind of me after my last breakup, (me agreeing to be friends just so I could get back together with him.) but with this guy having much more anger issues, and with my ex and I actually having a real, long term relationship as opposed to this just dating thing, that he believes is more. Perception is the key. It doesnt matter how long, or what the circumstances are to you, if he thinks this is something serious, he could react as such if you break things off. I've seriously dated girls for a year and had them dump me, and couldnt care less. Then, Ive met a girl ONE TIME and got blew off, and was in tears. I think youre thinking about this the right way, though.
Author sfsassy Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Perception is the key. It doesnt matter how long, or what the circumstances are to you, if he thinks this is something serious, he could react as such if you break things off. I've seriously dated girls for a year and had them dump me, and couldnt care less. Then, Ive met a girl ONE TIME and got blew off, and was in tears. I think youre thinking about this the right way, though. Yes, that is why in my original post I said although I don't consider this a real breakup, I thnk he will, and that is all that matters. Also he is a bt of a loner, so he iisn't going to be getting a lot of feedback on what is normal, not normaal accept from his counselor.
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