Intimidation and Insecurity

[Moccasin]

I am engaged to my loving boyfriend. We are long distance at the moment because of his job and some personal legal situations I am dealing with.

 

One of the major issues I have with my fiancee is that I find myself jealous of other pretty women when he is around. Because of his profession he is exposed to beautiful women all the time. He's even dated a high-profile woman in media (which I will not tell you who, so don't even ask) and it intimidates me even more. Just the thought of him looking at other women, being mildly attracted to other women... really bothers me. Sometimes I get discouraged and worried because I will think that he is thinking about other women when we have sex, (phone sex included). He is very experienced and I am not. I feel intimidated by his sex life with his ex girlfriends. Curiosity killed this cat because I did ask him to be open about his previous sex life. I feel that I am not satisfying him enough because most of the time he satisfies me.

 

I know they say it's human nature for a guy to be that way and up until know I have never had a problem with it. I wasn't this way in my previous relationships and I don't know what has changed. I am not physically unattractive and I know that my fiancee loves me and adores me. However I can't seem to stop thinking about the things I shouldn't be.

 

My fiancee and I joined the forum together in search of answers and advice. He has an account and will participate in this thread, so if you have any questions directed towards him in your responses feel free to ask. Thanks in advance!

[Groovy]

Have you shared ALL these feelings with him? Since you say he is sharing this thread I would guess so. What is his reply?

[Kaii]

One of the major issues I have with my fiancee is that I find myself jealous of other pretty women when he is around.

 

That is your answer right there.

 

That this is your issue and not a relationship issue. It is about you and your insecurities.

 

That is what you need to work on. You need to work on your self worth. Maybe some counselling would help.

 

I had the same problem with my boyfriend and felt insanely jealous of any woman that would speak to him, even co workers. I projected my insecurity and fear onto him, when he was doing absolutely nothing wrong. It was all about me and not about him or our relationship at all.

 

It drove a wedge between us and caused a lot of useless arguments, but thankfully he loved me enough to stick it out and let me work through my insecurities.

[EllieBean]

This is about your self esteem - you look at other women and think they're better than you, and you look at his exes and think they're better than you, so you get jealous and insecure.

 

I don't get jealous of other women because I feel confident that I am hot and sexy and intelligent, and I'm way better than any of my bf's exes and better than any random woman he might meet, hence why he's with me and not with them. If he does break up with me, he'll be making the biggest mistake of his life, and he'll regret it while I move on to be with someone better who will appreciate me enough not to dump me. It's all about self esteem and self confidence, and that's what you're lacking. Try to work on your own self esteem, because assuming he isn't doing anything to make you insecure, this is really your problem rather than his.

[Moccasin]

Have you shared ALL these feelings with him? Since you say he is sharing this thread I would guess so. What is his reply?

Yes I have shared all these feelings with him :/

 

That is your answer right there.

 

That this is your issue and not a relationship issue. It is about you and your insecurities.

 

That is what you need to work on. You need to work on your self worth. Maybe some counselling would help.

 

I had the same problem with my boyfriend and felt insanely jealous of any woman that would speak to him, even co workers. I projected my insecurity and fear onto him, when he was doing absolutely nothing wrong. It was all about me and not about him or our relationship at all.

 

It drove a wedge between us and caused a lot of useless arguments, but thankfully he loved me enough to stick it out and let me work through my insecurities.

 

This is about your self esteem - you look at other women and think they're better than you, and you look at his exes and think they're better than you, so you get jealous and insecure.

 

I don't get jealous of other women because I feel confident that I am hot and sexy and intelligent, and I'm way better than any of my bf's exes and better than any random woman he might meet, hence why he's with me and not with them. If he does break up with me, he'll be making the biggest mistake of his life, and he'll regret it while I move on to be with someone better who will appreciate me enough not to dump me. It's all about self esteem and self confidence, and that's what you're lacking. Try to work on your own self esteem, because assuming he isn't doing anything to make you insecure, this is really your problem rather than his.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[Moccasin]

I understand that it is not his problem, and it is mine... I haven't blamed him for any of this. I also understand that there is something I need to work on.

 

I wanted to make a couple of things clear though. This situation is a bit tough to figure out because there are several things I do know about myself and my relationship...

 

1. My Fiancee loves me. Without a doubt I know he is love with me.

 

2. I am a beautiful woman. I don't think I am ugly.

 

3. I know my Fiancee wouldn't cheat on me. He would leave me before he would hurt me in such a way.

 

Me and my fiancee come from two different worlds. I am different from all of his ex's. All of exes were high profile, extremely gorgeous and sexually advanced. I am not high profile and I am not sexually advanced. Sometimes he makes comments to how my swagger is. He even mocks me sometimes and it hurts my feelings and it's a bit insulting how he intimates me by making his voice sound like a nagging hood rat. I will admit... I am a diamond in the rough. In other words.... my looks are very deceiving. So it's only around the high-profile women do I feel intimidated and jealous because that is the type of women he is used to.

[EllieBean]

Mr Fiance, if you're reading this: Please stop mocking your fiancee and making her feel like crap - no wonder she's insecure if you treat her like that! You're supposed to make your fiancee feel loved and special and beautiful, not break her down and openly mock her.

 

Moccasin, your fiance may not hurt you by leaving you, but he's hurting you in other ways by mocking you and making you feel bad about yourself. He really need to treat you with more respect. You feel uncomfortable around these high profile women because your fiance makes you feel like you're somehow less worthy than they are, like you're not what he's used to and you should be grateful that he bothers with you. If he's so used to these gorgeous high profile women, then why doesn't he go and date one of them, instead of spending his time eroding your self esteem? Does he get some kind of sick kicks out of telling you that you're not as "gorgeous or sexually advanced" as these other women? I dunno where else you would have got that idea if not from him.

 

These high profile women may have more money or whatever than you do, but that doesn't make them better than you - their s**t still stinks the same as everyone else's. They're not necessarily good people, they're not necessarily intelligent, and if they're so great then why isn't he with one of them? Your fiance is supposed to tell you you're the most beautiful woman in the world, not tell you how all his exes were more beautiful and sexually advanced than you.

 

I take back what I said - this isn't your problem, it's his. It sounds like he's putting you down and making you feel small and unworthy in comparison with his exes - I wouldn't blame you if you dumped his sorry ass and found yourself a guy who actually appreciates you, and doesn't make you feel less beautiful and sexy than other women.

[Moccasin]

Thanks again for your response! I am curious to what his response is going to be because I made sure I made everything clear when I posted so he can't accuse me of not telling the story the way it is. Hopefully when he gets off work he will sign in on his account and respond. One thing he hasn't done is directly compare me to them... but when he mocks me... he does make it seem exactly how you said... as if i should be grateful that he's even dealing with me.

 

I am grateful that he overlooks my flaws... but I'm not happy that he mocks them either. Another thing that made me feel really bad recently... I need advice on this too. Is I suggest that his sex drive is too strong for me sometimes. He got upset when I suggested he might have a hormonal issue because his sex drive is unreal sometimes! LOL! I admit I was wrong for going about it that way... but his response still haunts me to the day... he said something along the lines of "I've never had this problem with anyone I've been with. Something is wrong with you. Any woman would love to have a man like me." I acknowledge that sexually I am lacking. Mostly because I am victim of sexual abuse. But... this statement really contributed to my insecurity.

[Lucky_One]

How much of a sex drive are you talking about, and how old is he?

 

Once a day, once every 2-3 days, three times a day?

[anne1707]

 

I am grateful that he overlooks my flaws... but I'm not happy that he mocks them either.

 

Two points I would like to raise:

 

1. This is a contradiction - you cannot overlook yet mock

 

2. Why on earth should you be grateful? Everybody has flaws. Including him. Is he grateful?

[sally4sara]

It sounds to me as though one of his "high profile, sexually advanced" exes got the better of him. You might be dealing with an bitter man who got burned by one of these exes you speak of.

If he proposed to you but now mocks you for being somehow "lesser" in comparison to women of his past, then it stands to reason he LIKES that your self esteem has been damaged. Why else would he wish for you to be reminded that HE is the big catch any woman would want? Why else does he feed your insecurities by mocking you?

He might just be hoping you'll be too consumed with how grateful you should be for his over-looking your supposed flaws that you won't burn him too. Anytime it seems like you might not be grateful enough, he can always feed your insecurities some more.

If you've experienced abuse in your past you should see an individual counselor. They can help you strengthen your self image and make you less likely to be appealing to manipulative people.

[Moccasin]

How much of a sex drive are you talking about, and how old is he?

 

Once a day, once every 2-3 days, three times a day?

Well, it's more like... how long he lasts. He is well endowed down there and it's a bit much sometimes because he can go for so long. He is 25.

 

Two points I would like to raise:

 

1. This is a contradiction - you cannot overlook yet mock

 

2. Why on earth should you be grateful? Everybody has flaws. Including him. Is he grateful?

I see what you mean about the contradiction. Point made.

I am not sure if he is grateful or not because sometimes when we have arguments... he justifies his actions based on what he "tolerates" with me. I have BiPolar Disorder... and sometimes I feel like I am burden.

 

It sounds to me as though one of his "high profile, sexually advanced" exes got the better of him. You might be dealing with an bitter man who got burned by one of these exes you speak of.

If he proposed to you but now mocks you for being somehow "lesser" in comparison to women of his past, then it stands to reason he LIKES that your self esteem has been damaged. Why else would he wish for you to be reminded that HE is the big catch any woman would want? Why else does he feed your insecurities by mocking you?

He might just be hoping you'll be too consumed with how grateful you should be for his over-looking your supposed flaws that you won't burn him too. Anytime it seems like you might not be grateful enough, he can always feed your insecurities some more.

If you've experienced abuse in your past you should see an individual counselor. They can help you strengthen your self image and make you less likely to be appealing to manipulative people.

 

I guess I never looked at it this way. Maybe when he responds he could probably clarify from his perspective.

[EllieBean]

Goodness me Moccasin, you're a victim of sexual abuse and have Bipolar Disorder, and this guy still thinks it's okay to mock you and break down your self esteem? What a turd! He should be loving and supporting you, not putting you down.

 

Everyone has flaws, but if you love someone, you love them despite their flaws - you certainly shouldn't have to feel grateful that he "tolerates" you! What, you think that all these high profile women were flawless? Nobody is perfect, including your fiance - he's far from perfect considering the way he's been treating you. He's trying to make you feel like you're less worthy than his exes, less beautiful and sexy, he's trying to keep you under his thumb and feeling grateful that he even bothers with you... and because you're a person who has suffered in life perhaps you're easy to knock down? Only a bully preys on those weaker than himself... your fiance sounds like a big bully tbh... if you have issues he should be helping you, not knocking you down.

 

If there are any sexual problems between you, they are your problems as a couple - he has no right to lay all the blame on you, he should be working through these issues with you, not allocating blame. You are not lacking sexually, or emotionally, or in terms of beauty, or in any other way... you're as good as anyone else, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Moccasin]

We had a talk not too long ago and he said he was going to respond but says he stopped because he didn't want to put everything on blast. His response to all of this is... He has insecurities too. He says that the only time he mocks me is when I piss him off. His insecurities are based on things that he knew about and were warned about before our relationship went to the next level. He's always had a choice and I have never held him back from making a choice to stay with me.

 

My ex-boyfriend's are still around. They are around because they are brother's best friends. Before they were my ex's they were my brother's friends. I admit... as a teenager and 21's - 22's... I made the mistake of dating my brother's friends. I was open and honest to my fiancee about them being around. However these guys do not interact with me. When they tried to... I made it clear to them... that I do not want them around. My brother made sure of that. The only time they came around was if they were picking up my brother and they would leave. I do understand how it can make him feel uncomfortable that they within reach and contact... but they do not interact with me on that level. One of my long term ex's I have legal ties to. This ex #1 is one I have been through hell with. He physically and sexually abused me. Ex #2 is my father's godson and is only around temporarily. His father recently passed away (My father's best friend) and my ex doesn't have any family other than a distant brother. Prior to this tragedy I had not seen him in years. He doesn't have interactions with me when he comes to visit with my father or my brother. He comes over and my father and brother leave out of the house in respect to my wishes. Ex #2 is actually due back to his country... Friday. Ex #3... was present in the beginning of the relationship and when I let him know I moved on and found someone else... he moved on as well and no longer bothered me. This is ex is currently fighting for his life because of a bad car accident. I haven't even been to the hospital to see him.

 

My fiancee wanted me to make this clear in this post. For what reason... I have many. This tends to happen a lot when I speak on subjects such as these. Anytime we get on the subject of things he does... he likes to redirect the attention to things he has to deal with when it comes to me. This is one of the many reasons I feel insecure because anytime I try to solve something we can actually do something about... he complains about... i can't control and things he has to "put up with". BiPolar Disorder and My Ex's. I have spoken to my brother and my father and they both understand why it affects my relationship and they respect my fiancee... so this is why they keep them away from me. They have done a very good job at that. I have done all I can possibly do... other than be a beotch and say "Brother of mine... ditch your friends. You can't have them as your friend anymore." As far as BiPolar... I go to therapy and I am trying to fitted on the right medication.

 

He tested me... to see if I would actually tell his side of the story... and well... I did.

[Moccasin]

I also wanted to say another thank you to everyone who posted a reply. This is really helping me sort through my thoughts and feelings. It's helping me communicate what I have been trying so hard to get out on my own!

 

Again... any advice is welcome and any constructive criticism I welcome. Please help! xoxo

[Moccasin]

It's been two days and no response so I feel it's necessary.

Bump.