hope271 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hi All, this is my first post on a forum like this, ever. I've known my ex-bf since we were children, best friends for the last 20 years and began dating last November. Saw him through his divorce (as a friend, no romantic thoughts at that time) and a year later, started dating. Saw him through his layoff and subsequent search over 6 months for a new job (and paying some small utility bills to help out). Saw him through some bi-polar episodes (he has not found the right combo of meds yet). Now he has a new job, a new apartment and he tells me that classic line, " I love you, but I'm not in love with you" He's already found someone else. He's broadcasting on FB where we have over 140 mutual friends (alumni). On paper this looks ridiculous and if I was reading it for the first time, I'd tell this woman good riddance. But I'm mourning the loss of my friendship with him- I feel so many things: anger, at myself and him. I feel humiliated, small, alone, diminished, as if something about me is repellent, lacking or unlovable. I feel used, betrayed, left behind. I had my life together, everything was grand. Then this happens and I feel like I've been struck, it's shaken me more than any other relationship. We were best friends and now the very person I'd talk to about it is the very person I can't talk to. He was the first one I thought of in the morning and my last thought at night. We talked everyday 4-5 times. His children call me all the time. I have no one to speak to about this. All of my other friends are married, with kids and hectic lives. When i try to talk to them, we're interrupted by a myriad number of things going on in their lives. Their comments to me feel like brush offs: You're so strong, you'll be over this in no time" or "Next!" with a laugh. I usually am the strong one, but I can't seem to make them understand how devastated I am, that I don't feel strong, that I feel broken, that my heart feels like shards of glass every time I breathe. I'm mourning the loss on two fronts and it's ever so painful. How do I cope with this? My logical side says time will take care of it, but what do I do with the pain I have now???
Treasa Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I know this is a small consolation, but I think the problem is him, not you. Whatever you do, please don't internalize this as something being wrong with you. Clearly you're a very good person. He may just have too many things going on right now, and too many changes, to be able to give you what you deserve. Your focus should be on you right now, not him. *hugs*
Thomas X Forever Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 What a difficult situation. Firstly, truly sorry that this has happened to you. It is never easy for anyone, but this is especially complicated because you and him were best friends. The first thing you must do in this situation is realize there ISN'T anything wrong or unlovable about you. The mere fact that you care enough to ask for help, speaks volumes. You qualify as a good person in my book so far... The truth is though there are no words (as I'm SURE you know by now) that will make you feel better. I hate to use such cliche quotes here but only time will heal you. I'd say go strict NC but it's difficult because his kids call you and you were always best friends. I'm quite interested in hearing how this progresses. Be sure to keep us updated...
Author hope271 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 thanks, folks. Yes, this will be a very difficult week- thursday is both his and his son's birthday and I was supposed to have them over for dinner and I usually host those without family around on Easter. I cancelled dinner for Thursday, as much as it pains me to do so, just got back from the post office where i mailed the kids baskets and birthday presents. I removed the ex's gift as I felt it would send mix messages and replaced it with a generic bday card. I've asked he not attend my Easter get together, and have asked that he not contact me for a while. His kids are already asking why I'm not coming over, and I'm trying to make sure my actions/words are cognizant of their feelings. The last thing I want to do is make them feel abandoned or that it is somehow their fault- they've already experienced that with the divorce. I'm dying here, but trying to remain strong. Being nasty isn't in my nature but I'm afraid I'll lash out and say something really hurtful if I remain in contact. one minute at a time, I guess (I can't even say one day or hour at this point)...
Treasa Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Wow, you are INCREDIBLY well-adjusted and self-assured. You sound like an amazing woman!! This man is going to someday wake up and realize what he missed out on. You seem very sweet. I think you're going to find someone who truly deserves you, although it may take some time for it to happen.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 I think it is the friendship that you mourn more than the relationship. That is the hard part. Is there any way you can get over the romantic feelings and back to the friendship? Or is the damage done now? All I mean is, if the friendship was strong for all those years, and just the 'feelings' have unhinged it, is there a way for you to try to focus on the feelings of friendship, not the romance, or is that now an impossibility?
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