Ldr probelms

[bn2005]

Hi, I just came across these forums browsing one day looking for someone with problems similar to mine, and after reading these forums I feel as though alot of people here give pretty solid advice, so I thought I'd put my story up and see what people think I should do.

 

I met my girlfriend on myspace in december,she's 20 and i'm 21. she initiated the contact, and after viewing her profile I noticed she was from California whereas I'm in Alabama so I pretty much dismissed it as anything other than innocent conversation, however we kept messaging that day and later that night I gave her my phone number to text me, I figured if nothing else it would be someone to talk to. The next day she really wanted to talk so I told her it would be ok to call me, so she did and we end up on the phone for like 5 hours.... I mean we really hit it off and we continue talking for several weeks after this. This continues until about the middle of Febuary in which we discuss become a couple, it was actually her idea and she changed her myspace status and everything. And since I liked her I did the same. We had even discussed her moving down and us trying things out in April, however this didn't pan out due to problems with her family.

 

However before we became a couple I had an account on plentyoffish.com a dating site, and we were talking one day and I happen to tell her about it, and she ends up making one and adding me as a favorite... bad idea right? The thing is I didn't say anything because this was also before we were exclusive, so I didn't see it as a big deal. Well fast forward until after Valentines day, which we both got each other gifts etc... etc.. and things were going really smoothly, however I noticed more and more that she was on this website, at first you know we would kind of joke about the messages we got and whatnot, however eventually she got to the point of never talking about it, but always being on there.

 

So one day I ask her if she had been getting any messages and she tells me no... the whole time in the back of my mind I'm kind of like yeah, then why are you always on, but I don't say it. Well later that night I end up talking about it again and saying how I don't think we need them anymore and I think it would be a good idea to delete them, and she's just like yeah I understand. So I delete mine and the next day I look to see if she has and its still there! So now my jealousy/anger is kicking in so I decide to see if she's seriously not messaging anyone, so I create a bogus profile in her area(low i know) and I send her a message. Well within 30 minutes of messaging her she's responded and already given me her phone number... under the pretences that we can text, but not talk....

 

This makes me blow up and I just freak out and call her. She answers and I basically tell her what I've done and that it's over and that she is a liar. She ends up calling me back and after the fourth or fifth call I answer and she gives me a sob story about how it was innocent and all that crap, and she would do anything to keep me plus she cried for like 30 minutes so I end up letting it go.

 

Over the course of the next few weeks however she completley turned the tables on me and acted like the whole thing was my fault... and blamed me for not trusting her. It literally took her a month to get over the crap, in which she became very distant until I got fed up with it told her that I couldn't deal with the lack of communication, I mean we literally went from talking all day long, to maybe a text per day or like a 5 minute call.

 

Well the worst part is even though the communication got better she still had the damn plentyoffish though she did change her status from singe to notsingle/notlooking here for talk/email. Though I can't complain because I didn't tell her to delete it. Which was my fault, because I really didn't want to try and control her.

 

However during this whole fight thing she ends up making friends with some guy, and they go out shooting guns on weekends and stuff, go snowboarding etc.. and she assures me it's just an old friend from highschool. So I don't make a big deal about it I just say well if you feel you can control yourself around him then theres not really a big problem and I let it go. They end up going out 3 times that she's told me about he's even been over to her house playing x-box etc..

 

Well during the fight I also make friends with a girl, and in all honesty I saw it as nothing but friendship, she even had a boyfriend. So I felt secure around her and figured everything was ok. I end up telling Kelli (my girlfriend) about my new friend and she gets mad and jealous. Anyway I end up going over to my friends house, which I didn't see as a big deal since Kelli hung out with Frank basically every weekend. The bad thing is that my new friend did have feelings for me and when I went over to her house to watch the movie she basically told me she would break up with her boyfriend for me. This made me uncomfortable, so I left and while I was leaving I call Kelli and tell her what happened and she freaks out.... hangs up on me and doesn't call me back until like 3 am in the morning. In which we talk about it and she tells me that she loves me and was just upset that some other girl was getting to spend time with me etc.. So we make up. Everything goes back to normal she calls me alot and whatnot.

 

And now here we are in April and friday her mom came home from Hawaii and she tells me that morning that Frank is taking her to the airport to pick up her mom. Well I've already told her I don't like frank etc.. but she assures me their just friends and we talk for a while. Then I had to go to work so I ended up letting her go and she told me to call her back later. Well I called her back later and she was doing something and She told me she would call me back, well the whole night goes by and nothing. It just so happened that day though that me and my cousin were working out and we decided to take some pictures and I ended up taking a few flexing pictures and I put one up on myspace, without my shirt on. Well even though she never called me back that afternoon the next day she sends me a text saying "nice picture..." it was obvious she didn't like it. So I said "why the ...?" And she replies "Why did you put that up?" and I said "I put it up because I felt i'd made progress why you don't like it?" Well then she goes all day ignoring me and I end up calling her much later that afternoon and she answers and she tells me she wasn't ignoring me she had just been spending time with her mom. Then I asked what the big deal about the picture was and she said it was just like I wanted attention.

 

This all sparks a huge fight and I was like you talk about attention but your the one on a dating site, and she tries to say its just like myspace and facebook, but the argument ends with me telling her to choose me or the plentyoffish, and she chooses me, yet she's mad and later she calls me back saying she had no reason to be mad etc... and that she loves me so much. The thing is I'm just so confused.

 

We have a date set for her to come down in June and stay with me for two weeks, and if things go well she'll be moving down here later in the year, after her mom comes back from europe, this is the reason she couldn't come down in april by the way...

 

So I guess my question is this... I feel like she does care about me, but I also feel like she plays alot of games and is really immature at times. The whole Frank thing seems like a disaster waiting to happen, and I'm really unsure about how to approach the subject I really don't want to be jealous about her having male friends, it just seems to me that she has alot of double standards and that crap gets really really old.

 

Anyway I know this is a mess of writing, but any advice would be very much appreciated thanks alot for your time.

[EllieBean]

It sounds like something suspicious is going on with this other guy, and she is definitely trying to meet other men in her area. I don't believe for a minute that this other guy was a friend from school - she lied to you about not getting messages on that site, so what else is she capable of lying about? Your gf was pulling away from you, until she got jealous because you were spending time with another girl, and then she was all over you again - classic "dog in a manger" - she doesn't want you but she also doesn't want anyone else to have you. Your gf is playing a lot of games, and tbh it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship - LDRs aren't easy at the best of times, never mind having one with someone who is behaving like this!

 

I would be tempted to end the relationship due to all the game playing, and look for someone a bit more stable - but if you want to keep her you need to insist that this unhealthily close friendship with the other guy ends, and she also needs to stop using that dating site, and generally behave a bit more like a mature adult in a serious relationship.

[bn2005]

Thanks alot Ellie your advice is very much appreciated. I also beleive something is going on there reguardless of what she says, however it's a hard subject to approach. Though she did delete her profile from that dating site after I pretty much made her choose it or me.

 

The one thing I'm not understanding is why she continues telling me on a daily basis that she loves me and wants to be with me if she doesn't... The sad fact is I really like this girl, but I'm really unsure of how to handle this. I've been tempted a couple of times just to end it but it seems right when I'm at that point she always does something to redeem herself...

 

Thanks again for your reply