Fighting to save your marriage - What are you fighting for?

April 6, 2009

I started another thread that asked about why is marriage different than an other relationship. From that thread another question started to come up.

A lot of the other thread started to revolved around that idea.

When couples "fight for their marriage" be it from infidelity or just neglect what are they fighting for?

I (personally) see very few people fighting for the relationship that the marriage is supposed to be built on. There seems to be this fuzzy idea that people know what you are fighting for when wanting to keep your marriage.

Is that financial comfort, security, kids well being, what???

April 6, 2009

I fought to save my marriage for the sense of FAMILY mostly.

We separated for about a year & now are back together - Have always been a very close family (our kids are 24 & 26) So goes the theory that it's easier to divorce when the kids are grown & out of the house......Not So Much..... I missed that sense of FAMILY. AND because of that now I have the love & respect that I feel I needed & deserved from my husband.....& he has the same from me.

April 6, 2009

Both me and my husband fought for our marriage because we loved each other and because of our kids. It was he!! for a while, but we've pulled through. It keeps improving, slowly but surely.

As for the OP, there is no hope for you. You just need to get the divorce. Get it over with and set you and your wife free to find some happiness.

April 6, 2009

What a sane question. Often people dont seem to be fighting for the relationship they have with their spouses. And pparrott very good point. The man I was involve with stays for the same reasons. He cant get comfortable with breaking the family bonds with his grown children and their children.

PKN i hope all this is giving you greater clarity. You seem to have known all along what you are fighting for - the opportunity to stay a full time father but the cost is high. I am not a parent but it seems that if you and are unhappy, you may actually be an even better parent from a house somewhere else in the neighborhood than the parent you may become as the situation with your wife leaves you more and more resentful over the years.

April 6, 2009

There is a huge differance between fighting for a marriage and just staying in a marriage. Most people who say they are staying for the kids, are doing nothing to improve the marriage. The marriage will eventually turn to complete crap and all involved, including the kids, will pay with years of their lives that might have been happier.

When I say me and my husband fought for our marriage, I'm saying we made some huge changes, sacrifices, and grew as people for our marriage to survive. We didn't just silently put up with things hoping that they would magically improve on there own. At the same time, we had to be more realistic about what we expected each other to change. Some things are deal breakers, some things you just learn to ignore.

April 6, 2009

you fight to keep it alive, to help it grow into the relationship you've hoped for. In my case, where there's a healthy sense of communication and time spent together, not just living as "married singles" ... If marriage is a leap of faith, and you're a believer in that union, you fight to keep the hope alive in that union. And that entails change, sacrifice and growth, as Angie points out.

April 6, 2009

Is that financial comfort, security, kids well being, what???

Yes, someone fights to save the marriage for those reasons, there is a lot invested in that relationship, but the biggest reason one fights is because they LOVE the person. Strange concept, huh?

I'm personally finding out LOVE stinks and doing my best to fall out of love with my stbx. It's taking forever to finally accept he doesn't love me anymore and that is the only reason I'm giving up the fight. Without love on both sides, the other stuff just doesn't seem as important.

April 6, 2009

I "fought to save my marriage" based off of what my marriage had been for 16 years PRIOR to our crisis.

We'd had a good marriage up until about a year prior to my wife's affair. That year was a straight spiral into the toilet, based off of several things.

But we'd had YEARS of wonderful marriage beforehand. I was fighting to get that back...and fighting to see what we could make even better.

Luckily, I succeeded.

April 6, 2009

We are several months into recovery...

What I am I fighting for ?

Because i thought it was the sane thing to do. My wife, by having an affair, made such a horrific choice, that I lost her complete trust in her decision making. When she said she wanted out I knew she was "insane". As much as it hurt me by what she did, with rational thinking out the window, I had to trust my instincts, my gut and blurt out "i want you and i want to save our marriage".

We had been living the "dream". Nothing would have possible if we had not worked together as a couple. We have the most beautiful son whose smile everyday brings us infinite joy. We shared some of the most precious moments with him since his birth. We had great vacations together alone and then as a familiy. Everyone thought we were made for each other. A great couple and an exemplary dad/mom to all the relatives who knew us. And perhaps the most important reason - I knew I loved my wife. May be too much to the point I was blind and ignorant not to see things from her perspective.

Last night my wife said she wanted in the marriage for our son and the family. I would have gladly accepted that on the d-day. But not anymore. I told her..."no, dont do that". I strongly believe she can love me again provided she puts in the effort. She had a long way to get there. Defog, go through complete withdrawl, then start connecting with me. I want her to fight for our marriage right along with me. I cannot fight this alone forever.

Sometimes you fight because you know it is the right thing to do. If one spouse falters, it then falls on the other to share the workload for a while. Does not seem fair. Turning a bad marriage into a great one is a long process. It starts with one and at some point you need both. It takes one to put it back on track but takes two to turn it into a great one.

April 7, 2009

so, I'm fighting to save it and why? Because it was a marriage that full of fun and hope, dreams and love. We trusted each other and I felt completely comfortable with not only my love but my best friend. I want that back. I think fixing it is a better alternative than having to go through the divorce, being single again and finding another partner. I want to be in a committed relationship not be single again (which I've done and loved it.)

Being a new member, I've noticed a couple people mention that their spouse has to "defog" and go through withdrawl... before reconnecting again, can someone please provide a bit more detail regarding this? Seems that this is what my Husband is doing right now.

April 8, 2009

can someone please provide a bit more detail regarding this? Seems that this is what my Husband is doing right now.

molley, I have posted in your original thread. See if that answers some of the questions you have.

April 9, 2009

Fighting to keep the marriage....seems really exhausting. How can "fighting" also be fun and filled with happiness?

I don't know...i thought if love and respect are in a marriage then everything should just fall into it's place...smooth and easy.-----yes, really naive...

I think if people are clear why they are married. If rational thinking was involve instead of love and all other emotions maybe we do not have to "fight" for our marriages.

April 9, 2009

for me, sense of family... but I do agree that both partners need to put the same effort into keeping the relationship working/alive. Not easy. Myself and the wife have decided to keep the family together, trying to sort out our issues. We've come to the conclusion that the family is more important than ourselves and have decided to compromise on the basis of this. Will it work? I don't know yet...

April 9, 2009

I hate to be cynical but what it comes down to mostly is fighting to recapture something that is lost forever.

April 9, 2009

It's a good question and I will read the other replies in a minute. I really believe that people fight for their relationships (marriage or not) when they love. Love is the grounds for everything, because I strongly believe that our feelings lead us through life and not our reason. Hence the saying Your character is your destiny (not your mind).

Security, kids, and the rest just accompany our feelings. I don't believe that anyone who doesn't love their partner would fight for them. I know I didn't when I wasn't in love. It was easy for me to leave or be left in those cases.

I don't think there's much of a difference between the official status of the relationship, but I do think that people invest more hopes and expectations in a marriage. Also, it's heart-breaking to think of the kids when a marriage falls apart. It's easy to say that kids will be better off with two happy separated parents. Who said that the parents will be happy as separated and most importantly, who said that marriages can't survive the biggest challenges?

Frankly, I am not a fan of the - what I call - the Titanic approach, i.e. the ship (marriage) hit an iceberg and that one hole made the entire ship sink into death. I believe in the lizzard's tail approach: you tear it off and it grows back. But some people kill the lizzard when they see it's missing a tail.

Of course, some marriages aren't worth saving, but what I think people don't understand is that the marriages that last for decades were not perfect. It's just that people stuck with it, learned to resolve their problems, and to accept one another.

It's really a shame that we throw the divorce idea at each other's faces as if it's no biggie. Divorces are painful, and often, if a couple could just make it through, they would be a better couple because of the investment.

There's a story about a company that employed a new manager. He was young, made some mistake, and lost the company a lot of money. He came to work the next day, ashamed and frustrated, and told his boss he assumed he was fired. The boss told him: "Of course you're NOT fired! If I employ a new manager every time they make a mistake, this company would go down in no time. Everyone makes mistakes."

People who give up easily, from my own personal statistics (and looking at Hollywood stars) NEVER find long-lasting happiness. Because they expect that everything will be great - always. The first time they see a crack, they break the whole thing. And they will never find perfection, so they will always keep abandoning relationships. My husband did this with his relationships. Interestingly, he didn't act like this with his business; he had many bad years, but stuck with it, and got out as a winner. Persistence, investment, love, and faith make things work. If you quit before you even tried SERIOUSLY, you'll always quit everything. "It" is not working by itself. YOU can work on "it" together.

This, of course, doesn't refer to all "cracks". Affairs might be forgiven or might not. Forgiveness is not a mental decision, like helping someone with math, even if you don't feel like it - it's in the heart. And then there are things that are total deal breakers. I don't favor fighting for a marriage at any cost. I favor investing mutual efforts in trying to save the love.

People hold onto marriages for other reasons, too: fear is probably the most common. Convenience is probably number two. There is also some social stigma related to single/divorced people, which IMO is stupid, because I find single people to be more interesting than married, on average. There is nothing more boring than a soccer mom , and nothing more fun than a lady who's been through it all - if I were to choose a friend to confide in.

April 9, 2009

In every marriage there will come a pivotal moment where the very foundation of your relationship will be tested.

It could be the loss of a job, foreclosure on a house, the death of a child, or a wayward spouse.

How you and your spouse decide to "fight" for your marriage speaks volumes about your character and your commitment to the relationship.

Some marriages can endure everything and anything that is thrown at it, and thrive.

Others sadly cannot be saved, as the pain from the wounds inflicted runs too deep.

Everyone of us has faced or will face our pivotal moment and make the decision to "fight" or not for the promises that we made each other.

April 9, 2009

Fighting to keep the marriage....seems really exhausting. How can "fighting" also be fun and filled with happiness?

I don't know...i thought if love and respect are in a marriage then everything should just fall into it's place.

The fight doesn't last forever. It only last as long as the crisis (rather it's an affair, lost job, or something) last. Couples either win the fight together, or loose the fight and hopefully move on.

It's easy to think that love and respect will pull a marriage through everything, and I think you need these ingrediants to make it through the rough times. However, the rough times will come to almost all long term relationships and so many couples at some point will be faced with the decision to fight for the relationship, or leave.

April 9, 2009

In every marriage there will come a pivotal moment where the very foundation of your relationship will be tested.

It could be the loss of a job, foreclosure on a house, the death of a child, or a wayward spouse.

How you and your spouse decide to "fight" for your marriage speaks volumes about your character and your commitment to the relationship.

Some marriages can endure everything and anything that is thrown at it, and thrive.

Others sadly cannot be saved, as the pain from the wounds inflicted runs too deep.

Everyone of us has faced or will face our pivotal moment and make the decision to "fight" or not for the promises that we made each other.

Someone once told me that you make two commitments in a marriage. The first is when you actually get married. The second is when you face that pivitol point in the marriage and decide to fight for the marriage. As long as both people are willing to grow and fight together, the marriage, IMO, has a good chance.

April 9, 2009

AND because of that now I have the love & respect that I feel I needed & deserved from my husband.....& he has the same from me.

Very interesting! Can you please elaborate on how you came to this phase and what exactly caused you both to change? Was it because you missed each other? Did you see each other during this period of one year; did you date other people? Did one of you move out? How did you decide to reconcile; was it spontaneous or a verbal agreement? Were the changes you both made related to being more understanding and kind to each other? Did you have to set some boundaries or did you have to become more tolerant? Did you show him how much you loved him and misssed him or did you show him that you could move on and live without him easily? Who initiated the reconciliation? Sorry I have so many questions. I would appreciate your answers.

I hate to be cynical but what it comes down to mostly is fighting to recapture something that is lost forever.

I say for as long as the love is not lost (in at least one partner), there's a chance. But it's only a chance.

April 9, 2009

RecordProducer, I liked what you said so much I had to quote it again. Just so that it's not missed.

It's a good question and I will read the other replies in a minute. I really believe that people fight for their relationships (marriage or not) when they love. Love is the grounds for everything, because I strongly believe that our feelings lead us through life and not our reason. Hence the saying Your character is your destiny (not your mind).

Security, kids, and the rest just accompany our feelings. I don't believe that anyone who doesn't love their partner would fight for them. I know I didn't when I wasn't in love. It was easy for me to leave or be left in those cases.

I don't think there's much of a difference between the official status of the relationship, but I do think that people invest more hopes and expectations in a marriage. Also, it's heart-breaking to think of the kids when a marriage falls apart. It's easy to say that kids will be better off with two happy separated parents. Who said that the parents will be happy as separated and most importantly, who said that marriages can't survive the biggest challenges?

Frankly, I am not a fan of the - what I call - the Titanic approach, i.e. the ship (marriage) hit an iceberg and that one hole made the entire ship sink into death. I believe in the lizzard's tail approach: you tear it off and it grows back. But some people kill the lizzard when they see it's missing a tail.

Of course, some marriages aren't worth saving, but what I think people don't understand is that the marriages that last for decades were not perfect. It's just that people stuck with it, learned to resolve their problems, and to accept one another.

It's really a shame that we throw the divorce idea at each other's faces as if it's no biggie. Divorces are painful, and often, if a couple could just make it through, they would be a better couple because of the investment.

There's a story about a company that employed a new manager. He was young, made some mistake, and lost the company a lot of money. He came to work the next day, ashamed and frustrated, and told his boss he assumed he was fired. The boss told him: "Of course you're NOT fired! If I employ a new manager every time they make a mistake, this company would go down in no time. Everyone makes mistakes."

People who give up easily, from my own personal statistics (and looking at Hollywood stars) NEVER find long-lasting happiness. Because they expect that everything will be great - always. The first time they see a crack, they break the whole thing. And they will never find perfection, so they will always keep abandoning relationships. My husband did this with his relationships. Interestingly, he didn't act like this with his business; he had many bad years, but stuck with it, and got out as a winner. Persistence, investment, love, and faith make things work. If you quit before you even tried SERIOUSLY, you'll always quit everything. "It" is not working by itself. YOU can work on "it" together.

This, of course, doesn't refer to all "cracks". Affairs might be forgiven or might not. Forgiveness is not a mental decision, like helping someone with math, even if you don't feel like it - it's in the heart. And then there are things that are total deal breakers. I don't favor fighting for a marriage at any cost. I favor investing mutual efforts in trying to save the love.

People hold onto marriages for other reasons, too: fear is probably the most common. Convenience is probably number two. There is also some social stigma related to single/divorced people, which IMO is stupid, because I find single people to be more interesting than married, on average. There is nothing more boring than a soccer mom , and nothing more fun than a lady who's been through it all - if I were to choose a friend to confide in.

April 9, 2009

Someone once told me that you make two commitments in a marriage. The first is when you actually get married. The second is when you face that pivitol point in the marriage and decide to fight for the marriage. As long as both people are willing to grow and fight together, the marriage, IMO, has a good chance.

I like this post and this idea.

I think it's so true...especially in my marriage.

I have always heard there is a pivotal point in every marriage, a do or die moment which will make or break the marriage. Every marriage has one-no matter what the catalyst-infidelity, illness, finances, etc. Thinking about this post...makes me believe in the "re-commitment" my H and I made in our marriage after reaching our breaking point last year.

Wow, I really like the idea of the two commitments...the first one we made all those years ago on our first wedding day and the second one we made when we both decided that we really loved our marriage and each other.

My H really wanted us to renew our wedding vows after we got past our breaking point. I agreed even though I was scared to do this. It was so much more meaningful than our first wedding day...

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