SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 She was going to come over on Thursday, but I fell a sleep. We rescheduled for Friday, and she feel asleep. She called me when she woke up. I was a bit peeved so said the whole going to date other women. She went a bit nuts. . Little bit of a double standard there no? you sound a little over controlling but the fact she still logs into a dating site isn't looking good. Let me ask you this tho do they also have forums or something else there she could be harmlessly doing? Not all dating sites are 100% hook up places 24/7 I visit one with a decent talk forum as well once in a great while...
Author jimbo Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 True. I believe there is a chat board there. Not sure though.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Here is the way I look at it: If you have a problem with her looking for other options, you need to say you want to be her ONLY option, or its not going to work for you. Granted, she may very well say 'ok, see you', but thats a chance you need to take if it means that much to you. She doesnt really know you well enough to know that she is your only option, so you cant blame her for being careful. For all she knows, you could be seeing 5 other women. The fact that you are or are not logging into the site is meaningless, you could have already met the women there before her or elsewhere. And talk is very, very cheap, especially at the early stages of a relationship. If it was me, I would walk away just because shes shown some bad behaviors already, and it would probably get worse. Also, I HATE it when people throw out ending things when they arent serious. You both did it, and its really a crappy thing to do. Its a threat, which turns into manipulation. If you are even considering it, this early on, this relationship is doomed. Most people dont get more than slightly irritated with their bf/gf for at least a few months, or they stop seeing them.
Author jimbo Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Thanks for your insight, however, what my objection was very valid. It was not a threat. If she did not call back and say she would try to make time then I would had been final. I would only expect the same in reverse. Whereas I was the one who did not make time for her. However, that was not the case. Yes, I can move on from that. She did not do that to me, so I am not sure where you got that inclination. When she comes over or we meet up we'll have that talk about logging into the dating account.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I think I was also kind of confused about what exactly was said. I thought that you had mentioned the break up at one point, and she said you could dump her if you wanted at another point. Maybe I mis-read that, and it was only you that made that statement? And thats good that you were serious, and that you are going to take the bull by the horns and ask about the dating site.
Author jimbo Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 No, she didn't, I did. I only did it because she missed the last two times we were supposed to meet up and did not let me know before hand. I might not be aces with everything, but I am not a rag doll either. Here's how everything went down from the beginning. We always spoke nearly daily just to speak. We saw each other for the next two Saturday's. The Saturday after she had to cancel, and she let me know before hand. The next two Saturday's she did not call. I understand the pressure she is under due to school. No problems there. The fact she did not call or text me to let me know a head of time is what pissed me off; and I told her when she called me afterwards. I said he, listen, this is not working out. We are not actually seeing each other, just talking. I am willing to work around your schedule, but twice you missed our dates. I just think it would be best if we saw other people. She then started yelling a bit then cussed a bit. I then said I don't need this and good bye. She called the next morning apologizing for the night before. Saying she really liked me and would rather stay together but would understand not seeing her anymore. I said, again, it was not the schedule, it was the fact the last two times you did not bother to let me know you were unable to make it. If you called or texted me before each time, then we'd not have this talk now. Anyways, she said she will and will no come over to the condo to spend some time if she's too tired to go out. So we are clear on that level. And, as I said before, if I did that to her, I would expect the same to me. Its just not cool. This logging into the dating site thing is the next thing to tackle. need to find a gentle non abrasive way so it does not come off negatively to her.
BCCA Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 You know, at this point in my life, I just dont take excuses as well as I used to. You need to cancel, and let me know beforehand? Ok, once in a while we all have to cancel. But twice in a row without even letting me know? Thats just disrespectful, and shows a low level of consideration. Whats even worse, is that she does seem to have some interest, but seems intent on keeping you at arms length and things being 100% on her terms. I'm busy a lot for work, but I can promise you that if I met someone worthwhile, I would make time. Not doing so, to me, is pretty indicative of someone who is selfish, as is the lashing out when you called her out on flaking on you. Truth be told, after what you've told me about her logging onto the dating site, I think you are one of a few shes got her eye on. If she wanted to be exclusive, as any woman will tell you, she wouldve said something. And who can really be happy in a relationship where you dont see the person for weeks at a time? And do you even have plans with her in the near future, or are you kind of waiting to hear when shes free? I would just mention that you know shes been busy, but also noticed her frequently logging onto a dating website, which makes you feel like maybe youre getting the brush off. I really dont know if this is something you can say that isnt going to bug her, regardless of how you say it. No one likes being called out, and she'll probably get defensive. It sounds to me, and please correct me if Im wrong, that you want her to s**t or get off the pot. Are you guys going to do this or not? You've done enough 'waiting and seeing' and you're not liking what you see thus far. Why not skip the dating site crap, and ask if she sees a future here or should you cut your losses.
Author jimbo Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 yea, very weird, her actions. Will find out when I meet up with her. If its a no go, then unfortunately, for both, time to look at other options.
northstar1 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 yea, very weird, her actions. Will find out when I meet up with her. If its a no go, then unfortunately, for both, time to look at other options. See how it goes and how she acts when you meet up. I would say the fact she's missed a few dates w/o any notice is much more of a concern than the logging into a dating site. That shows a lack of respect for your time. If you haven't had the 'exclusive' chat, and you've only been dating a few weeks, IMO, the fact she is logging into a dating site is not that big of a deal. She may or may not be exploring other options, but that's the tricky part about dating sites. It may just be curiosity on her part. It doesn't necessarily mean she's out dating others. The other behaviour is more of a red flag. Having the 'exclusive' conversation too early on (after a handful of dates or a few weeks) can be seen as pretty desperate. You both really don't know each other yet and that can put a lot of pressure onto things.
Author jimbo Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Really don't know. She had a perfect out with me this weekend, but instead wanted to mend fences. We spoke today... I asked when will I see her again. Said she did not want to deal with that now. Going to put her on the back burner for a bit and see if there is anyone else out there. Obviously she has way too much on her plate for me. It seems I have a closer more physical relationship with my four walls than her.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Really don't know. She had a perfect out with me this weekend, but instead wanted to mend fences. We spoke today... I asked when will I see her again. Said she did not want to deal with that now. Going to put her on the back burner for a bit and see if there is anyone else out there. Obviously she has way too much on her plate for me. It seems I have a closer more physical relationship with my four walls than her. Wow. "...did not want to deal with that now." That's harsh! I seriously could not see myself saying that to a guy I was genuinely interested in. You would definitely be wise to back-burner this one - good choice. Hell, I only had like a 75% interest in a second date with my current BF, but there's no way I would have said I didn't want to "deal with it." You'd be better off finding a woman that's a little bit warmer towards you.
Author jimbo Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 As weird as it sounds, she called three times today to come over and spend time with me. Crazy...
Island Girl Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 As weird as it sounds, she called three times today to come over and spend time with me. Crazy... And the games begin.
Author jimbo Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 Who's playing a game? I did not answer the phone. She left voicemails.
Island Girl Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 Who's playing a game? I did not answer the phone. She left voicemails. She appears to be.
Author jimbo Posted April 8, 2009 Author Posted April 8, 2009 What's the right way to respond to this? She must feel something for me.. Why would she call and offer to come over if she didn't want too?
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 As weird as it sounds, she called three times today to come over and spend time with me. Crazy... Who's playing a game? I did not answer the phone. She left voicemails. Hey Bobby - I'm a control freak ? :confused::confused:SCARY. If a guy called and left me 3 voicemails out of the blue like that, I'd be a little weirded out. SHE is the control freak, Jim - SHE. First she starts freaking out and cursing on the phone the other day when you simply tried to talk to her, and now she has left you 3 voicemails. I mean, really - think about this - if you had already listened to her first 2 voicemails and chose not to call her back yet, what would a 3rd really accomplish in her mind? If you hadn't even HEARD the first 2 yet, what the hell was a 3rd going to accomplish? What a weirdo.
Author jimbo Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Yea I guess your right. I asked a friend of my to also start chatting with her and see how she responds. Truly amazing. She actually replied to him and started an e-mail conversation. He stopped it yesterday, but it just drives me nuts when anyone lies to me. Tells me one thing does another. Wish I knew this before I gave her my address. And people ask me why I am distrusting of women. With present company in this thread excluded. All the ones I met online just lie. I do not know why. Just really weird. Upsetting too. Seems to happen on all sites I try, not just Match. Match, eharm., Chemistry, etc. Just have bad luck... Maybe abstinence is not that bad.
Island Girl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 There are good girls out there. I just wish you'd see the red flags waiving and move on to another instead of wasting more time and energy while investing any emotion at all on the ones that aren't worth it.
Author jimbo Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 I do want to add to this series. On this girl, she was talking online with one of my friends this morning. I asked him to ask her if any of the dates she was on led to anything serious. She said no. What does that mean. I have no idea. Why? She went nuts on Saturday when I wanted to end it. Now, the one who said she really liked me, is not dating anyone serious. If it was not a big deal why flip out like she did? I just do not understand. It could be me, but if it is, why the whole act on Saturday? She wanted to end on her terms? To get last licks? She's 34 for christ sake. Done with online dating. There is nothing here for me but frustration. Island, you say that, and maybe it is just in the US, but this isn't dating. This is who am I interested in this minute. Just a complete waste of time and money.
Island Girl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 I do want to add to this series. On this girl, she was talking online with one of my friends this morning. I asked him to ask her if any of the dates she was on led to anything serious. She said no. What does that mean. I have no idea. Why? She went nuts on Saturday when I wanted to end it. Dating is one thing; a serious relationship is another. This is who am I interested in this minute. Just a complete waste of time and money. And this is exactly what I am talking about. The second any red flags start waving (especially this early on) you should rethink being interested.
Author jimbo Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Very good point. I am a country boy. I lead a pretty simple life. When I start dating a girl, talking all the time I assume something is building. I am far from perfect. I do not expect a girl I am dating to be perfect. I over look those things. But, as good old country values go, I cannot stand deceit and lying. I can overlook mostly everything else. When someone spends hours on the phone with you and hours with you when we were on a date (last one 3 weeks ago) you think everything is cool. Brings me to another point. A distant friend of mine. Now 41, I'm 32, was using men left and right in her 20's and 30's. Said they were not in short supply. Now, amazingly so she finds it harder to get the men she's attracted to. Karma may take some time, but it does come around. I don't think she likes the feeling now that the shoe is on the other foot. I only hope this happens to all men and women who treat people like garbage. It is not right. Oh how I miss the 70's and 80's. I need a time machine. I want the first ticket out of this century.
Island Girl Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 Things weren't okay when dates were being canceled. Things weren't okay when you called her out and she flipped. That is when you should have been done. The writing was on the walls but you chose to continue. That is when you should have said "too much drama too little respect - C ya" and moved on to someone else. A viable lasting relationship is not easy to find. Thinking it isn't going to be difficult or thinking "this is too hard so I am just going to give up" leaves you missing out on what could be. Everyone has failed relationships and some have ended with a lot more pain than this. But you learn and move on just as there are girls out there learning and moving on. They get lied to and cheated on, etc. too. Lessons learned and a better appreciation of people who aren't that way prevails. If love and compatibility was easy to find would it be as meaningful as it is when you have it? No. It usually does take a while to meet that person you "click" with in all ways that also "clicks" with you.
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