Seeing this girl. But she still logs into her dating account daily

[jimbo]

So I have been dating this girl for a few weeks. Things seem to move slow, but I am not in any rush. She says she's not seeing anyone else. She calls me all the time from home at night and on the weekends, so I tend to believe her on that. She missed the last two dates of ours cause she was exhausted from night school. I verified this by stopping by her home to pick her up. But I cannot understand why she logs into her account daily. Sometimes in the middle of the night too. When I did bring this up, she said she was not seeing anyone and she'd rather be together then apart. but would understand if I broke up with her. I played along with it, and would rather stay with her. I am not a jealous person, just don't understand why she logs into her account daily.

 

What do you peoples say?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Well, have you agreed to be exclusive? If you haven't, what's the big deal? She may not BE seeing anybody, but that doesn't keep one from exploring their options. She could just be curious. How are you seeing her log on, btw? Do you have to log in to your account to see hers or is it public?

[jimbo]

No talk on exclusive. Adults do that? Shows when she logged in by minutes and hours. I don't login. Wasn't searching for anyone else. She asked me a few weeks back if I was seeing anyone else, I said no. She said the same.

[jimbo]

I will also add, we speak nearly daily. Though, due to her schedule (she takes day and night classes at college) we've not seen each other in like 3 weeks. She was going to come over on Thursday, but I fell a sleep. We rescheduled for Friday, and she feel asleep. She called me when she woke up. I was a bit peeved so said the whole going to date other women. She went a bit nuts. Said if she did not feel anything for me, then she would not had cared, but seems something with me and really likes me (her direct words). She also said you know how my schedule works. Can you handle it. Then she said, it will get better soon with a less school load and she would be able to make more time for me. She also said she plans to come over during the week to make up for the missed weekends.

[Island Girl]

When you asked her about it she mentioned that you breaking it off would be okay with her?

 

Ouch.

 

Even if there has been no exclusivity talk if I'm really into a guy and he mentioned it I wouldn't just throw breaking it off out there. I certainly wouldn't say I'd be fine with it.

[jimbo]

First. She went nuts. Cussing and screaming. Next day, she called me and said she doesn't want to break it off, but would understand if I did. Not seeing me much and stuff. Then she said we really have a connection both in person and on the phone and hopes it to grow into something more. She then said she'll see me during the week, like come to my condo to make up for the weekend. If she did not give a crap, why would she call me back the next day. Say she really likes me and such? My experience with women is little so I really have a hard time reading them. This would be the first who did actually express herself after I said we she break it off.

[Island Girl]

First. She went nuts. Cussing and screaming.

 

Whoa. There's a reason to move really slowly with this one.

In fact I think there are a few guys here who would tell you to be done with her simply because of this early stage melt down.

 

Next day, she called me and said she doesn't want to break it off, but would understand if I did. Not seeing me much and stuff. Then she said we really have a connection both in person and on the phone and hopes it to grow into something more. She then said she'll see me during the week, like come to my condo to make up for the weekend.

 

She certainly back peddled. I think she realized she overreacted and she thought better of it.

She is hoping you won't write her off completely because she showed you a bit of what her temper is really like.

 

FYI I wouldn't have reacted that way and I am generally a high maintenance Queen B*tch BTW.

Just so you have some idea of what you may be in for.

 

If she did not give a crap, why would she call me back the next day. Say she really likes me and such? My experience with women is little so I really have a hard time reading them. This would be the first who did actually express herself after I said we she break it off.

 

She wants to see where it will go. So yes, that means she likes you.

 

Now did YOU suggest breaking it off or did she?

Because in the italicized part above you say you did but in the original post you stated that SHE said it.

 

It does make a difference.

[jimbo]

When she called me Friday night and we talked about me and her meeting up, she said she was exhausted when she came home and fell asleep. She called around 10:30. I then said this isn't working for me. While we talk daily, we are not actually seeing each other. I then suggested it may be time to see other people. Then she screamed and cussed. I hung up. She called the next morning and said she over reacted and apologized. A first for her. Said you knew what you were getting into. She's a PHD candidate and is finishing up her work in college for her certification. Then she asked for my address and I gave it to her. Said she'll come over during the week. She then says as it progresses and things continue on, she can start to leave stuff her and stay over. So when she is doing her work at night she can spend with me if we get to that stage of course.

 

Then she said so what's it going to be? Are we going to try and make it work or are we calling it quits. I said we can continue on and see where it leads.

 

Now you know why I am confused?

[SoulSearch_CO]

I agree with IG that such a meltdown at such an early stage is a little scary. I wouldn't do well being yelled at quite like that after only dating "a few weeks." Hell - my BF and I have been serious for almost 3 months (LOL - I feel like I'm in HS, now) and I'd still be taken aback if he "went nuts, cussing and screaming."

 

Yeah, she does sound like she's interested, but marginally so. Like she could take it or leave it. That's kind of weird.

 

The reason I mentioned talk of exclusivity is that these days multi-dating seems to run rampant and generally the rule is, "Don't ask, don't tell." While I don't really agree with that once one of the people involved starts to develop deeper feelings, I'm just making you aware. Yeah, you've both mentioned that you aren't CURRENTLY seeing anybody else, but I might casually mention that I'm not even LOOKING for anybody else if I were you.

[Island Girl]

No. I don't know why you are confused.

 

Now it is MUCH more clear to me. BTW your original post is totally misleading.

 

Apparently she likes you quite a bit.

 

When presented with your statement of it not working out - she had quite an emotional reaction. She wouldn't have if she wasn't into you although she does have a temper to watch out for.

 

Then she regretted giving you more of a reason not to talk to her and called to apologize.

While doing so she expressed that she'd like things to move quickly to a more serious level.

 

So yes she is interested. Very interested.

 

In the future don't throw out calling it quits unless that is really what you want.

It's a hell of a gamble.

[jimbo]

It think she was more shocked than anything. If she could take it or leave it, why would she call the next day to apologize and want to bring things back in tact? We also, after the call, spoke for like hours. Weird. And no, we've not had sex yet. I can't do that multi dating thing. One girl is more than enough to handle. But, as for women, she could be inundated in e-mails. Logging in and checking reading them. Again, I am not sure. If she was on the wall whether she was interested in me or not, why call to apologize the next day? Cause she did call to apologize, why continue to login to her dating account?

[jimbo]

Island, it was not a gamble. When you only talk to someone on the phone, albeit, daily, and do not see them, it makes me wonder. Then, missing dates also makes me wonder. Its been a couple of times already. I understand the work load, but a call before hand would had been the way to do it. Not a call after the fact. I told her the same. I think I had a valid point. I assure you, I was upset about making the initial choice, but was also very angry too. Felt I was being played. That is all.

[Island Girl]

My gosh I wish you'd be a bit more clear in your post.

Just like it sounded like she suggested the break up but that wasn't so and the way you put things it wasn't clear you had prior plans that she blew off.

And a couple of times? Yeah that wouldn't work for me either.

But I wouldn't have caved after an apology either.

To me that is a guy playing games or a flake and there are too many others out there. Why would I waste my time with a game player or a flake?

 

She only straightens her act up when you are ready to dump her? AND she has that temper problem?

(Do not believe that is the first time she has ever reacted like that. That is crap.)

 

At this point it doesn't matter if she is interested or not.

It matters if you are. -- And if you are I hope you have a really clear idea about why. Because she sounds like she may have a lot going for her on paper but in reality she has some major issues.

[jimbo]

Yes, I am interested in her. I gave her my address to come over, didn't I? She seems to have some issues, but we all have a few. I myself have issues. I do not know a person who doesn't now-a-days. If she though skips out again, then I would probably rethink things. She does have a lot going on now with the PHD stuff. I can understand that. If she was more communicative and let me in, that would be helpful. I guess that builds over time.

[mental_traveller]

So I have been dating this girl for a few weeks. Things seem to move slow, but I am not in any rush. She says she's not seeing anyone else. She calls me all the time from home at night and on the weekends, so I tend to believe her on that. She missed the last two dates of ours cause she was exhausted from night school. I verified this by stopping by her home to pick her up. But I cannot understand why she logs into her account daily. Sometimes in the middle of the night too. When I did bring this up, she said she was not seeing anyone and she'd rather be together then apart. but would understand if I broke up with her. I played along with it, and would rather stay with her. I am not a jealous person, just don't understand why she logs into her account daily.

 

What do you peoples say?

 

One reason to log on would be to check her messages. Women tend to get quite a lot of messages on dating sites, compared to guys.

 

However I personally don't log on much if I have met someone for a 2nd time. I hate it when people do that and so I don't do it myself. I remember one time I had met this girl 4 or 5 times, ending with staying at her house for a weekend, and the next day I saw she had logged in to her account. That pretty much made me end it the same day. If she had waited a few days I wouldn't have been so bothered.

 

You just have to make your own decision on this. I didn't even raise the topic I just said I'm not interested in continuing. By raising it and then doing nothing, IMHO you look at bit weak. Personally I think if someone is really into you, they will either stop checking their profile for a while, or delete it altogether. Checking it daily is a big sign they are just not that into you.

[mental_traveller]

Well, have you agreed to be exclusive? If you haven't, what's the big deal? She may not BE seeing anybody, but that doesn't keep one from exploring their options. She could just be curious. How are you seeing her log on, btw? Do you have to log in to your account to see hers or is it public?

 

The big deal is that it's a serious turn-off if someone you have dated several times is still so keen to "explore options" that they are checking out other possible lovers each day.

[jimbo]

Very true. But never raised the topic of logging in to her account daily.

[mental_traveller]

First. She went nuts. Cussing and screaming.

 

Uh, are you familiar with the concept of a "red flag"? End it now!

[Island Girl]

Yes, I am interested in her. I gave her my address to come over, didn't I? She seems to have some issues, but we all have a few. I myself have issues. I do not know a person who doesn't now-a-days. If she though skips out again, then I would probably rethink things. She does have a lot going on now with the PHD stuff. I can understand that. If she was more communicative and let me in, that would be helpful. I guess that builds over time.

 

Yeah I know you gave her your address. I just hope it wasn't out of curiosity or desperation.

It doesn't seem like it. So great - good -- I hope it works out.

 

Yes there seems to be issues but you haven't had much experience and when you see things like this early on it is generally just a hint at what's to come.

But you also could end up with a love connection.

 

Personally I don't care how busy someone is. There is common courtesy and there is no reason why I should get a call after a date is supposed to start instead of before (unless it involves the emergency room). I just wouldn't go there. But that's me.

 

And you clearly like her. So I wish you luck! Let us know how it goes.

[jimbo]

No, she's been after my address a couple of weeks now to come over and spend some time together. She asked me yesterday and I thought there was an better understanding of where everything is so I gave it to her. She did not just ask and pretend to write it down. She was entering it in to Mapquest so she had directions. She confirmed the directions and a way to get there, condo # and all. I never said I knew a lot about dating. But if someone calls back the next day to try and get things on track, I think it is worth a second shot. Why should she bother if she did not give a heck? I guess I should clarify nuts. It was not really nuts as it Fatal Attraction nuts. More as in shock and did not see it coming. Like something out of sex & the city I guess would be a good analogy.

[SoulSearch_CO]

But I cannot understand why she logs into her account daily. Sometimes in the middle of the night too. When I did bring this up, she said she was not seeing anyone and she'd rather be together then apart.

 

Very true. But never raised the topic of logging in to her account daily.

Huh? What did you bring up if not the online dating thing? Soooo confused. LOL

 

The reason I asked earlier what the big deal was with checking her account if you guys aren't exclusive...let me just be clear. I am not in support of that behavior and I would never do it myself. I'm just explaining how SOME people think (based on things I've seen on this board and IRL).

 

I met my BF on eHarmony, we talked for a month, went on one date, I canceled my subscription with eH because it was too pricey for me. We hadn't really hit it out of the park on the first date even though we were still talking on the phone a couple times a week. So I then joined Match in like mid-December (couple weeks after canceling eH). BF and I had a second date mid-January, I realized there were definite feelings, I canceled my Match account even with 2 months left on my subscription. He never asked me to do it - I just did because I felt it was more respectful to do so. So don't think I'm standing up for that behavior - I'm definitely not.

 

But if it's such an issue, when she does come over, how about you ask her about it? (and it WOULD be an issue for me if I were in your shoes) How many times have you guys been out together? When she's over, I would simply lay down some ground rules - stating that you only date one person at a time and you're not even looking around right now - how does she feel about the issue (meaning - ASK HER)?

[jimbo]

Nope. Never brought it up. Only that she missed the last two times we were supposed to meet up and did not tell me about it. We went out twice so far. When she does come over, I was going to say, listen I do like where things are going. A little rough at times, but overall pretty good. I am thinking about canceling my Match account. What do you think? Reason being, I can only handle one girl at a time. How about you? Are you still active on Match? You know, logging in and such? I'd prefer you do the same.

 

How does that sound?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Well, rather than saying that you'd prefer she do the same (which sounds like a controlling demand), it might be better to say, "I'd feel more secure pursuing a relationship with a woman that wasn't still looking." But yeah - definitely get her to 'fess up to still looking.

 

I hate being told what to do (ie,"I'd prefer if you...") and would respond much better if I were basically told that the guy was only interested in a relationship with me if...

 

See the difference?

[jimbo]

Really? I did not think saying preferring her to do the same would be too harsh or controlling. Prefer is saying more like saying what I would feel better with. I could also say I'd feel better and more confident in the two of us if you would do the same.

[SoulSearch_CO]

The last sentence sounded better to me. But I'm hyper-sensitive to being told what to do, or what I "should" do. Not all women are going to be like that, but given her cursing fit over the phone, she might be.