Truly Lost Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I've been broken up with my ex for 3 months now. We broke up just a day before New Years Eve. We were together for a year and a half. I live with roommates and he lives with his dad in a one bedroom condo. When I met him, he had moved from another state to my area because the job market where he lived wasn't good (this was before the stock market crashed and burned). He found a job here and was picking up his life. We met and I had an instant attraction to him. I loved his personality, humor, everything. He took me back to where he was living the first night I met him. Our date lasted from Friday till Sunday night. It was awesome. Oh, no sex was involved. Anyway, we hung out almost everyday. He made me so comfortable, I was thinking to myself, "where the hell have you been all my life!" I thought if there was something he needed to tell me he would have. I will admit that there are things I probably should have asked him initially when I met him, but things were going so great I didn't want to ruin the fantasy of meeting the man of my dreams. I guess I was a little scared. Two months into the relationship I noticed that he was struggling with money. He was always broke, but he had a job...I couldn't understand why he was having trouble. So one night it came out, because a friend of mine wanted to know what the deal was (I had told her of my concerns) and she waited till I wasn't around to ask him. She asked and he told her. That night she told him to tell me what was up or she would do it for him. So he took me to the side and told me...he was previously married and has two kids and is paying child support. I was floored. He never talked about kids or a previous marriage. He referred to his exwife as his ex-girlfriend, so clearly I wasn't going to ask about his marital status and if he had kids. I had no clue, except that he was always broke. He never had any pictures of his kids anywhere in his house, not even in his wallet. I asked him why didn't you tell me up front? He said that women he met in the past never gave him a chance after he told them about the details of his life so, with me, he thought he would take a different approach by letting me get to know him before he discloses his "deal breaker" situation. By the way, I'm not saying anyone with two kids from a previous relationship/marriage isn't worth being with, but you have to have your sh*t together. You can't be struggling to survive and expect to have a prosperous relationship with someone new. Relationships cost money for both parties involved, I don't care what anyone says. In spite of the situation, I had deep feelings for him. I stuck it out in hopes that it would work out for the better. It didn't. He was broke all the time. I paid for everything. Food, entertainment, EVERYTHING. I'm in my mid-30s and want to get married (never been) and would love to have a child, one day, hopefully soon. I didn't see that possiblility happening for me if I stayed with him. I got increasingly unhappy, but ironically, still very much in love. Ugh!!!!!!! Anyway, he owes me money......big surprise. He has been good with paying me back as quickly as he can. He came by my house today and left money in my mailbox. He sent me a text telling me that it was there. It got me sad. After our breakup, I did tell him that I couldn't see him and if he wanted to pay me it would have to be left in the mailbox or sent by mail. It just hurts too much to see him unless we are in a relationship. I don't know what to do about this. I would love nothing more than to see him and didn't want to sabotage my chance to, but I don't know how else to handle this situation. I would like to believe he misses me and has hopes that we could try working this out. He told me one night, while we were still together that if we ever broke up, I would have a stalker on my hands. Well, that wasn't true. He totally gave up on me. No effort was given on his part to reconcile anything. The night we broke up, I asked if he wanted to work on things with me and he said "No, not right now, I need time to think". That to me is code for its over. I didn't want to be strung along. So I told him, I can't let you do that to me. So here I am. Single again.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Firstly, it was wrong of him not to tell you he was divorced with kids. I realise it may be a deal breaker for some people, but that's no excuse for lying - if it's a deal breaker for the girl in question then he just has to live with it. He was hoping you'd fall in love with him before you found out, which you did. Secondly, even if he has to pay child support he shouldn't be broke. Child support is calculated based on your income, so if he earns less he would pay less child support. He should still have enough money to pay his way - paying child support does not bankrupt a man, because it's a proportion of income not a fixed amount. Plus if you had your own kids at some point, the amount of child support he pays would be reduced correspondingly, as he would also have your kids to support. It sounds to me like he wasn't serious, and perhasps wouldn't have told you about his kids if your friend hadn't found out. He was perfectly happy spending all your money - you can't tell me that every man who pays child support is broke?! He also said he doesn't want to work on things with you, which seems pretty clear to me. If he's prepared to work on things with you, and you love him, you might give him a chance. But it doesn't sound hopeful - he's been lying to you from the beginning.
sparklemama Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 He sounds like someone you really don't need around you.He didnt tell you he had kids wich shows that he is not in his children's life.Any man who loves his children and is involved in their life would proudly let their potential girlfriend know that he has children because it would not be something he could hide.Now why would you want to be with a man that isnt taking care of the kids he has now and probably is only taking care of them financially because he is being forced to by the courts.I doubt that is someone you want to have children with or built a future with.He is letting you pay for everything because you allowed it and pretty much got him use to being "pampered".Lose total contact with him i know its hard but trust me it is the best choice you dont want to end up like his ex wife.Just the fact that he wasnt upfront with you in the beginning should be reason alone to let this go.I wish you the best!
Tryng2Trust08 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Oh my...that is a huge red flag, for him not to tell you. That should've been part of your first conversation with him and he should have told you and been up front with you.He would say his ex girlfriend instead of ex wife? Its kind of a big deal that you knew this facts about his life. Im sorry, it sux to love someone and not be able to be with him, but this seems to be in your favor. I have children and if I meet a guy, that is one of the first things I tell him, if he doesnt like the fact I have kids, fine, that guy isnt for me. I hope you start to feel better...
LoveUrselfFirst Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 As good as the relationship was getting, it was unfortunate that it had to play itself like that. But first and foremost, you should have found out more about him than jump into a relationship and think that it was perfect, because 9 out of 10 times, it's not. And I'm not saying this to be negative, but in this day and age, if you can't be honest with someone from jump, secrets are bound to come up and make the situation go from good to bad to worse. When we think something is too good to be true, it's not. I don't understand why he couldn't be man enough to say that he has two children because it should be something he is proud of. It's not like he had to speak about his ex because after all, that is his ex but besides that I think that he should have been honest with you from the beginning. I know that you were being kind and after some time understanding of him, but you are better off without him. To handle this situation is to move on. You are better than that.
Author Truly Lost Posted April 10, 2009 Author Posted April 10, 2009 Ahh! I don't know why I still love him. Believe me it has nothing to do with his situation with his exwife. He is truly pathetic, I know. But I like him for him. Not his situation. He is really a nice, friendly, realistic guy. His past is his problem, but, with me involved, his problem becomes my problem. I couldn't have chosen a worse guy to be with. Ugh!!! His kids are several thousands of miles away. He hasn't seen them in 5 years plus. His exwife and family exiled him. I don't know why. It troubles me why that would have happened. I know he struggled finacially with her, which maybe the core reason they didn't work out. She counted on him to be the bread winner and he failed. Anyway, he got her pregnant at 18 and he was 21. They married because of responsibility reasons, or so he says. But he is 33 now and finalized his divorce just two weeks after he met me. He was seperated from her for 2 years, or, again, thats what he told me. He says he hates her. She hurt him, and I'm not sure if he harbours some feeling for her. She does have his kids after all. While he was seperated from her a few years ago, he was in hopes of reconciling things with her because of the children they had together, but later learned that she hooked up with some guys in a foursome deal and she got pregnant by one of the guys. She did have that child. Of course their relationship was most definately over. Since their relationship was over, her family stopped at nothing to make sure he would pay child support. And so he should. He said for a while he was paying but because of depression he lost his job. As a result he couldn't pay child support and was garnished. What burns me is he told me, while they were having trouble with surviving their marriage and having one child, they decided to have another child, WTF. Why? Thats just STUPID!! He said that he thought another child would help fix the problem. I laughed in disgust. What a stupid fool. The both of them made their matter much worse. To bring another life in the world to simply try and work out the bad relationship they already had. TERRIBLE IDEA!!! WHAT IDIOTS!!! S-E-L-F-I-S-H bastards, the both of them. They were children having children. So hear I am with this and would like a marriage and children of my own. No hope for me. I must have been on crack thinking I could have something with this guy. How foolish. I'm sick that I feel this way!!! I hope I meet a wonderful man that will love me for me and be simpathetic to what I want in life soon. I'm so glad that I'm not part of this loser's nightmare.
LoveUrselfFirst Posted April 10, 2009 Posted April 10, 2009 You will definitely find love again and will eventually get married and have kids. Just because you dealt with one loser doesn't mean that all is hopeless. Trust me we all feel that way when we are broken hearted, but it won't happen to you again. Don't go looking for love either...it will come looking for you when you least expect it.
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