TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hey everyone, I posted a few weeks back about this girl I've been seeing since early February. (If you feel like getting some additional context, check out the thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t181850/ with the clarification that she was actually not dating anyone else while seeing me) Long story short: We've been hanging out/seeing each other ever since and up until very recently it was going great. The only obstacle that we wrestled with was that we didn't communicate very much as to what we would eventually want in the long run, but I've found in the past that bringing this sort of question up too early was counterproductive. Most LS readers seemed to agree with me on that one. So we basically didn't have any "status." Anyway, school has really been rough for her in the past 2 weeks and as a result we saw each other and spoke to each other less frequently. I also started getting the feeling that despite this she was also purposely dodging me/not putting in the effort into seeing me that she used to. After spending some time together on friday night and then not hearing from her much since then, I decided to call her tonight. I told her that I needed to talk to her about something important and basically told her how I felt (although this was not the first time I told her that she really meant something to me and that I cared about her). It was, however, the first time I asked where we wanted things to go. The answer I got was that she cared about me very much and thought I was great but that she was genuinely unsure of whether or not this was the right time for her, and also said that schoolwork could prevent her from putting in the time that a relationship needs. We agreed that we'd still see each other and see where it goes. So basically, is this as bleak as I think it is? I tend to have a very suspicious/pessimistic view about these kinds of things. When someone says they don't think they have the time, I take that as "I'm just not into you" When someone says "I'm unsure" I take it as "I'm trying to say no but I don't want to hurt your feelings" and so forth. When people say things like that, can they ever actually mean what they say? Has anyone here actually ever turned down/delayed a relationship because of being very busy? If something is meant to be, can anyone really be "unsure"? I really like her, but I'm not going to stick around for long. I'm just wondering what everyone thinks the prognosis for something like this is. Thanks
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 If you genuinely love someone there is no "wrong time" - if you meet someone amazing you don't let go of them unless there's absolutely no other option, end of story. She doesn't seem really into you, doesn't want to make any promises and just wants to tick along as you are with no pressure. Given a bit of time, she may or may not change her mind...
youknowmyname Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I've been in your exact situation: 1) her point about it not being a good time b/c of school, 2) lack of communication, 3) the uncertain feeling that she's dodging you, etc. In the end, it really doesn't matter. Let's say she really is into you, but doesn't allow herself to get drawn into a relationship because she genuinely thinks this is a bad time for a relationship: how different is this really than her just wanting to be friends? I know a lot of people on this site say if she/he likes you, they'll MAKE the time. I think that's mostly true, but there's also people who really care about what's going on in their life (school, career), and just aren't willing to change course. Whether she is totally honest about this being a bad time, or is trying to communicate to you that she really just doesn't want "this" to go anywhere, you're not going to change her mind with words. I know the idea of "gaming" somebody is unappealing to a lot of folks, but you gotta be smart, too; learn from experience. If this doesn't work out, I think you're going to look back (not with regret), and realize that telling someone how you feel at the same time when you think they're dodging you, was probably a mistake. You can't always say what's on your mind. When I was in your situation, I would ask girls about it; about what she REALLY meant, and I always got the same answer: "Who knows? Girls are crazy."
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 I've been in your exact situation: 1) her point about it not being a good time b/c of school, 2) lack of communication, 3) the uncertain feeling that she's dodging you, etc. In the end, it really doesn't matter. Let's say she really is into you, but doesn't allow herself to get drawn into a relationship because she genuinely thinks this is a bad time for a relationship: how different is this really than her just wanting to be friends? I know a lot of people on this site say if she/he likes you, they'll MAKE the time. I think that's mostly true, but there's also people who really care about what's going on in their life (school, career), and just aren't willing to change course. Whether she is totally honest about this being a bad time, or is trying to communicate to you that she really just doesn't want "this" to go anywhere, you're not going to change her mind with words. I know the idea of "gaming" somebody is unappealing to a lot of folks, but you gotta be smart, too; learn from experience. If this doesn't work out, I think you're going to look back (not with regret), and realize that telling someone how you feel at the same time when you think they're dodging you, was probably a mistake. You can't always say what's on your mind. When I was in your situation, I would ask girls about it; about what she REALLY meant, and I always got the same answer: "Who knows? Girls are crazy." Thanks for your input, although I should clarify a few things. Our communication about most things was generally pretty good. The main problem was that we were seeing each other since around Valentine's day and it's only tonight that we actually had this conversation. Also, it wasn't my intention to have this conversation right at the time that I realized she might be dodging me (which could just be my pessimistic/paranoid imagination, as she really has been busy). Then again, I didn't see this as a lack of communication. I figured it would be smart to take things slow. I've been trying to do it for the past 2 weeks, but she spent a good portion of spring break in Illinois and then things got busy before that. It was something I wanted to bring up in person but after this weekend I couldn't take the uncertainty anymore. Of course I sought an answer and all I got was more questions Any input on what I should do/how to act in the coming weeks? Like I said, I'm going to stay open to this situation, but not for long.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 If you've got nothing else spoiling, you might as well hang in there and see what happens. Don't turn down other opportunities for this girl though.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 You made a point about people being very focused on something and not really getting off track. She is 100% focused on becoming a veterinarian, and this is why she spends so much time on school. It doesn't help that her GPA is relatively marginal for getting into vet school, hence why she stresses over it. I recognized this as a potential problem but in the end, women with genuine intelligence and ambition are too much for me to turn down. :-p
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Hah. yeah. To quote the friend that introduced us, "No one knows what that girl really wants, not even her. Proceed with caution."
amerikajin Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hah. yeah. To quote the friend that introduced us, "No one knows what that girl really wants, not even her. Proceed with caution." With all women, you have to develop the ability to genuinely not give a damn what happens to the relationship -- at least in the beginning. I think the problem a lot of guys have is that they care way too much in the beginning about the future of the relationship. They immediately wonder if the girl they're hanging out with is "the one." They start probing for answers. They think about the long-term early on. Women pick up on this and it takes away the fun in the early stages of the relationship when you're just trying to get a sense for what the other person is about. The best thing to do is to not really care too much about whether the relationship works out long-term. When you go out just use it as a chance to talk to her and get to know her better -- make her laugh and work on just having a good time and letting her enjoy your company. Don't call her and ask her questions about where she sees the relationship going. Honestly, as you will find out in time, if you have to ask that question, it's probably safe to say that you're not in a solid relationship yet. When two people come together, they usually know what's up.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 With all women, you have to develop the ability to genuinely not give a damn what happens to the relationship -- at least in the beginning. I think the problem a lot of guys have is that they care way too much in the beginning about the future of the relationship. They immediately wonder if the girl they're hanging out with is "the one." They start probing for answers. They think about the long-term early on. Women pick up on this and it takes away the fun in the early stages of the relationship when you're just trying to get a sense for what the other person is about. The best thing to do is to not really care too much about whether the relationship works out long-term. When you go out just use it as a chance to talk to her and get to know her better -- make her laugh and work on just having a good time and letting her enjoy your company. Don't call her and ask her questions about where she sees the relationship going. Honestly, as you will find out in time, if you have to ask that question, it's probably safe to say that you're not in a solid relationship yet. When two people come together, they usually know what's up. I agree with you. As I said previously though, I never brought this up until last night, nearly two months after we started seeing each other. My mentality throughout this whole thing has been to just have fun and get to know her, and I feel like I've done that. It's only very recently that I started saying or even acting like she meant a whole lot to me. And to be honest, based on some of the things she's said recently and just how she acts around me in general, I was very surprised when we had "the talk" that she said she "didn't really know what she wanted." Before she got really busy, I'd quite literally get 10 texts a day from her, any time I signed online and she was on I'd get a message within 2 minutes, and she would go out of her way to spend time with me even if it meant making her late for work/class or whatever. Even girls that I know who saw us spending time together were like "She's REALLY into you." Once organic chemistry took over her life it seems like everything went downhill, but I'm wondering what else if anything has suddenly soured her opinion on me?
Balthazar Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 And to be honest, based on some of the things she's said recently and just how she acts around me in general, I was very surprised when we had "the talk" that she said she "didn't really know what she wanted." Once organic chemistry took over her life it seems like everything went downhill, but I'm wondering what else if anything has suddenly soured her opinion on me? Problem is, she actually "knows what she wants" quite well. And what she wants is to break it off with you. Keep in mind that women rarely say "no" or completely cut it off in such situations. I have been in some such scenarios myself. And it is a scenario, in that it almost always plays out in the same way. She basically, broke up with you that night. END of story. If she was into you, you can bet she would try to work something out between you and her studies. You seem like a reasonable guy - Couldn't she just say that her schedule will be a bit hectic but that the relationship is important to her? She could have, but she didn't. And before you go blaming yourself - Don't. Life is too short and it was probably her anyway. In any case, why should you wait around for her? It is spring, and there are lots of fine looking women out there! Do yourself a favor and kick this one to the curb. Cheers,
amerikajin Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 It's only very recently that I started saying or even acting like she meant a whole lot to me. And to be honest, based on some of the things she's said recently and just how she acts around me in general, I was very surprised when we had "the talk" that she said she "didn't really know what she wanted." Before she got really busy, I'd quite literally get 10 texts a day from her, any time I signed online and she was on I'd get a message within 2 minutes, and she would go out of her way to spend time with me even if it meant making her late for work/class or whatever. Even girls that I know who saw us spending time together were like "She's REALLY into you." Once organic chemistry took over her life it seems like everything went downhill, but I'm wondering what else if anything has suddenly soured her opinion on me? If it were me, I would just move on. Drop out of sight. Women who play the mixed signals games aren't worth a man's time. But you have to get to this point.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 If it were me, I would just move on. Drop out of sight. Women who play the mixed signals games aren't worth a man's time. But you have to get to this point. You're absolutely right. Now that I'm a tad more removed from the situation I can see that what I need to do is just walk away. Of course with my luck the second I do that she'll probably start trying to get in contact with me like crazy.
mr.dream merchant Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 You're absolutely right. Now that I'm a tad more removed from the situation I can see that what I need to do is just walk away. Of course with my luck the second I do that she'll probably start trying to get in contact with me like crazy. And that's when you turn and look at the even prettier more caring girl on your arm, and then laugh at her feeble attempt to add you back into her life causes she's an ass. Get my drift? Find a better chick, there's plenty of them out there.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Although I'm pretty set in my decision at this point, does anyone have any slightly different or even radically different interpretations of what could be going on here? I'm open to all ideas
jimbo Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 In the same position as you man. Old Jimbo has decided to put her on the back burner. When she calls, say can't talk. If she gets the message, and try's harder, great. If not, moving on. It seems if you treat them like anyone else you get more attention. Once you treat them better they get the jist and its all down hill. Start looking at other girls. Not worth your time to be sitting by the phone hoping wishing praying. Life is too long for that.
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