Turnoffs becoming turn-ons when we're into someone

[spookie]

I think that's the best test of how much we like somebody: how easily we find things that have annoyed us in the past, attractive, when we find our crush shares the same trait.

 

I used to think I'd need hair to be attracted to someone. Jack is bald.

 

I used to think I'd never want to date someone who liked sports. Jack is a baseball, football, and basketbal junkie, and I think it's adorable. I used to think I'd never want to date someone who was religious; he's a devout Catholic, and I find myself fantasizing about taking our kids to church.

 

In the past I've despised people who watched too much TV. Jack TIVO's everything, and spends half the workday talking about 24, which makes me fantasize about sharing this with him, some peaceful TV time, as we cuddle together on a couch.

 

In years past, I'd roll my eyes when my nerd friends wished me happy Pi day. When Jack did it this year, my heart melted.

 

There's nothing I can find out about him that would turn me off, because I love him.

 

Am I crazy?

[Isolde]

You can view this two ways (keeping in mind I wish you were talking about a new crush, not about Jack!):

 

On the one hand, if someone exhibits a lot of qualities you normally consider turnoffs, you may have been blinded and once the infatuation is over, you will find the person very annoying and want out.

 

Conversely, though, it's also true that when we meet the right person a lot of what we previously thought were necessary qualities (ie, having hair, ie, not being into sports) no longer apply.

 

It's true that many of the best relationships wouldn't really have worked out on paper.

[spookie]

You can view this two ways (keeping in mind I wish you were talking about a new crush, not about Jack!):

 

Me too. I am freaking miserable. It is emotional freaking torture working for him as I wait for him to find someone to marry.

 

On the one hand, if someone exhibits a lot of qualities you normally consider turnoffs, you may have been blinded and once the infatuation is over, you will find the person very annoying and want out.

 

Conversely, though, it's also true that when we meet the right person a lot of what we previously thought were necessary qualities (ie, having hair, ie, not being into sports) no longer apply.

 

It's true that many of the best relationships wouldn't really have worked out on paper.

 

Yes, this is my point.

[pollywag]

Meh it's all relative, there are things I find really annoying that I will never ever accept in a mate and in fact could turn an otherwise great prospect into a complete turn-off and a bust.

 

Then there are little things that don't affect me that much but that I could do without that I have found I didn't mind so much when it was the man I was in love with doing them. But that's rare usually if I don't like something I don't care who you are I don't like it.

[samspade]

File this under "watch what women do, don't listen to what they say."

 

Before you jump all over me...just think about it. I'm not complaining, just observing.

[justcurious66]

Ooh this is a great topic for discussion.

 

The man I am currently very much into...man, wow! Talk about some typical turn offs. First of all, he is 41 and he looks 41 right on the nose! He's balding, is overweight and has a nasty divorce still in process. Without trying to sound like a conceited jerk, I am a 25 year old "sort of" model (I live in the midwest so what can I really do here), I am very intelligent (science nerd here) and have a lot of confidence in what I know I can accomplish in my life. But seriously, I am INTO this man big time. Crazily so. He is super funny...his job puts him very much in the limelight and he just lays it ALL out there, his flaws, hang ups, innermost thoughts, etc. And I LOVE it. Can't get enough. I am normally not into guys without hair and big guts and who drip sweat into my EYE when we are being physical (true story...we laughed for like 10 minutes about it). But his personality is addictive, very much so, I love how he would talk to me and how he would look at me and smile at me. He could have one eye and 12 illegitimate children and I would still be into him.

 

Sadly, he is not ready for a relationship right now as he is coming off a 15 year relationship that has culminated in a nasty awful divorce. And I miss him very much...I want his sweaty self back in my world:)

[Trialbyfire]

spookie, do you know who you are and what you want? When you do know these things, you're going to have more concrete terms in which you view someone and their attractions.

 

If you find you can be moved off your position of things being a turn-off, they're either wants v. needs or you lack a solid core.

 

As examples of such:

1. Balding - who cares, superficial.
   
2. Sports junkie - who cares, very typical male but could cause issues later on, if you're fighting for the TV or for his attention.
   
3. Religion - could be a big issue later on, reliant on whether you honestly believe that you're capable of accepting religion into your life v. just being malleable to synch up with someone.
   
4. TV couch potato - could be a big issue later on, if you want someone who's active. A couch potato won't always take care of their health.
   

[SoulSearch_CO]

Yeah, I agree with you. There are things I've told myself, "I could never date a man that...." and yet when it comes right down to it, I realize how unimportant those things really are. The things I'm willing to compromise on, though, are things that are not deep-to-my-core requirements. There ARE things I would never compromise on, the others are pretty silly when it comes down to it. Not everyone's going to be perfect - we just have to decide what is close enough to perfect.

 

Ignoring things that ARE deep-to-the-core important (like not being abusive) would be pretty lame. And IMO, means you just don't know yourself well enough, or are willing to compromise just to be in a relationship even if it's not worth it.

[spookie]

spookie, do you know who you are and what you want? When you do know these things, you're going to have more concrete terms in which you view someone and their attractions.

 

If you find you can be moved off your position of things being a turn-off, they're either wants v. needs or you lack a solid core.

 

As examples of such:

1. Balding - who cares, superficial.
   
2. Sports junkie - who cares, very typical male but could cause issues later on, if you're fighting for the TV or for his attention.
   
3. Religion - could be a big issue later on, reliant on whether you honestly believe that you're capable of accepting religion into your life v. just being malleable to synch up with someone.
   
4. TV couch potato - could be a big issue later on, if you want someone who's active. A couch potato won't always take care of their health.
   

 

I don't think this is an issue of my lacking a solid core. All the qualities I listed that I disliked until Jack ARE pretty superficial.

 

It's just funny how something can annoy the s!ht out of you in one person and make you sigh with happiness in another. It makes me realize that what I am searching for is mainly intangible.

[O'bama]

It makes me realize that what I am searching for is mainly intangible.

Exactly! With love, one can't "know" what they're looking for before they find it. When you find the right person, everything just fits. And your life clicks into place like a completed puzzle. It's magical, and it has nothing to do with premeditating your needs or wants - it's much deeper and more complicated than that. You can't reduce a person to a simple list of qualities and abilities, and you can't assess their potential and destiny in any meaningful way before you have bonded as a couple.

 

Some people think they can retrospectively pat themselves on the back for "selecting" the right partner. Whilst it's quite amusing to listen to their self-righteous sermons, they are only fooling themselves.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Spookie, I feel exactly the same way. My boss is shorter than me (by an inch and a half) and I thought I HATED short men. He is also 10 years older and I have never found older men attractive (and have only dated younger men). He has a beer gut and is not objectively attractive. He tends to go on and on about topics that I find boring but are suddenly fascinating because they are coming from him. He is into stand up comedy big time and I ALWAYS found stand up comedians annoying but now drag my friends to comedy shows. I come from a religous family and he doesn't beleive in God - I don't care!

 

This is why I stay away from dating sites. If my boss had a profile on a dating site, I would pass right by it. This is also why I can't make a list of what I find attractive in a potential BF. The only thing that really matters to me is an intangible bond that draws me to a person.

 

Having said that, one tangible thing that I really like about my boss is his kindness, compassion and tolerance. He is genuinly nice to me even when I am acting in negative, self-destructive ways. This goes beyond a common politness. My attraction/obssesion wouldn't be sustained if he was a mean b*stard. But this definetly isn't all there is to it.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think this is an issue of my lacking a solid core. All the qualities I listed that I disliked until Jack ARE pretty superficial.

 

It's just funny how something can annoy the s!ht out of you in one person and make you sigh with happiness in another. It makes me realize that what I am searching for is mainly intangible.

Religion is superficial? Exactly how religious is Jack or do you know?

[climbergirl]

spookie, do you know who you are and what you want? When you do know these things, you're going to have more concrete terms in which you view someone and their attractions.

 

If you find you can be moved off your position of things being a turn-off, they're either wants v. needs or you lack a solid core.

 

 

As examples of such:

1. Balding - who cares, superficial.
   
2. Sports junkie - who cares, very typical male but could cause issues later on, if you're fighting for the TV or for his attention.
   
3. Religion - could be a big issue later on, reliant on whether you honestly believe that you're capable of accepting religion into your life v. just being malleable to synch up with someone.
   
4. TV couch potato - could be a big issue later on, if you want someone who's active. A couch potato won't always take care of their health.
   

 

Interesting point.

 

I've never been a big fan of motorcycles and the guy I'm seeing is very, seriously into his Harley-and when you imagine the stereotype, he fits. On one date, he brought me to a biker bar to meet his friends and never in a million years would I imagine myself in a biker bar. Oh, and the man wears more jewelry than I do.

 

But 'wants vs needs'...

 

He's a gentleman, romantic, affectionate, I can tell him something bothers me and he doesn't blow up, he doesn't smoke or drink.

 

I think it comes down to what you fundamentally need ATM-at least for me it does.

[Trialbyfire]

Interesting point.

 

I've never been a big fan of motorcycles and the guy I'm seeing is very, seriously into his Harley-and when you imagine the stereotype, he fits. On one date, he brought me to a biker bar to meet his friends and never in a million years would I imagine myself in a biker bar. Oh, and the man wears more jewelry than I do.

 

But 'wants vs needs'...

 

He's a gentleman, romantic, affectionate, I can tell him something bothers me and he doesn't blow up, he doesn't smoke or drink.

 

I think it comes down to what you fundamentally need ATM-at least for me it does.

I guess I see wants as nice to haves, things of a superficial nature like balding or having hair, tall v. short, etc.

 

Needs are things internal. What drives you? Do you need someone who's giving and loving or do you prefer someone who's emotionally a little more distant? Fundamentally, what do you value? Do you value fidelity and a standard of morals that include monogamy? Do you need someone who's more dominant, an equal partner or someone who's more submissive?

 

Needs of the moment, can be fleeting. Say you find someone who's gentle and due to a previously abusive relationship, are attracted to this trait for the moment. What happens when you've finally gotten your feet under you and realize that fundamentally, you need someone who's less gentle? More likely, you're going to lose respect for that person over time, when their responses are to roll over, each and every time.

 

I guess I see needs of the moment, as what causes rebound relationships that normally end.

[climbergirl]

Needs of the moment, can be fleeting. Say you find someone who's gentle and due to a previously abusive relationship, are attracted to this trait for the moment.

 

I agree, and it does concern me a bit. I just came out of a crappy marriage and that's why I pointed out-that for me at least-the driving motivation is what I need. My ex called me names you wouldn't believe-right down to that I was worthless. His happy moments were fleeting, yelled a lot in public, self centered even when it came down to kids. The guy I'm seeing now is the antithesis. He is always happy, super friendly, has a great relationship with his ex stepkids--just a good, good person. So, yeah, that is what I want and value in a person-and it's what I should want! I sound like I'm contradicting myself, because it's also what I need. I do need to see 'the other side'-that relationships don't have to be miserable.

 

What happens when you've finally gotten your feet under you and realize that fundamentally, you need someone who's less gentle? More likely, you're going to lose respect for that person over time, when their responses are to roll over, each and every time.

 

Well, he doesn't roll over. He will argue his case, but more important to me is that he does attempt to see my side.

 

I guess I see needs of the moment, as what causes rebound relationships that normally end.

 

This is impossible for me to tell, but there is one other thing that I value that might cause trouble in the long run. We've only been dating for a few months, so I'm just going to sit back and see where it goes. However, he told me that he hesitated asking me out as he knew I was going through a divorce and didn't want this to be a rebound.

 

Maybe Spookie and I are over analyzing this and should just see how things play out. Enjoy it for what it is?

[Trialbyfire]

I agree, and it does concern me a bit. I just came out of a crappy marriage and that's why I pointed out-that for me at least-the driving motivation is what I need. My ex called me names you wouldn't believe-right down to that I was worthless. His happy moments were fleeting, yelled a lot in public, self centered even when it came down to kids. The guy I'm seeing now is the antithesis. He is always happy, super friendly, has a great relationship with his ex stepkids--just a good, good person. So, yeah, that is what I want and value in a person-and it's what I should want! I sound like I'm contradicting myself, because it's also what I need. I do need to see 'the other side'-that relationships don't have to be miserable.

 

Well, he doesn't roll over. He will argue his case, but more important to me is that he does attempt to see my side.

 

This is impossible for me to tell, but there is one other thing that I value that might cause trouble in the long run. We've only been dating for a few months, so I'm just going to sit back and see where it goes. However, he told me that he hesitated asking me out as he knew I was going through a divorce and didn't want this to be a rebound.

 

Maybe Spookie and I are over analyzing this and should just see how things play out. Enjoy it for what it is?

He sounds like a great guy and someone worth investing in. If the two of you have chemistry, it's all good!

 

Your sitch and spookie's are different. You have a relationship, whereby spookie has an obsession. If Jack changes his mind and asks her out, then it's a different ballgame of analytics. Right now, she's wasting time and emotion on someone who's currently unavailable.

[amaysngrace]

Spookie the same things that you fixate on and love about him now are the exact same things you can fixate on and hate about him when it ends.

 

It's all just perception.

[climbergirl]

 

Oops! I guess I should get up to speed on Spookies situation.