TM42 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I have been dating this guy for 7 months. We have been very on and off but always find our way back to each other. He has never dated before, and I am only the second person he has slept with. I've had lots of relationships before, so we are at different stages. He said in the beginning over and over that he did not want anything commited. I stopped seeing him and he pursued me, and we've been together (on and off) ever since. Every time we try to be apart, we are drawn to each other. Life is more hard without him than with him. I truly love him, even with all his faults. I've never felt like this before in my relationships. I've tried hard to make it work, but we're ending things again, somewhat mutually. I suspected he was getting the desire to be single again because he was depressed and down on his life, and it seems he gets the urge to break up whenever he gets in these moods. Its very hard for me when he is in those moods, there is nothing I can do to make him feel better. He mostly uses pot or alcohol to get out of the moods and change his state of mind. Anyways, I found he had been on a flirting site on his cell phone at work, when bored. Whatever his reason, I ended it. I know he is lonely (he only has me in the world) and I have always encouraged him to find friends. I felt this was the final straw, and he admitted he was having the desire to be single again. I told him I was leaving to visit a friend for two weeks and we should both think about things, and he should REALLY consider if his depression is what is causing these break ups or if he really DOES want to be single. On my way to visit my friend, I realized I could just not do it anymore. I told him today it was over even though I suspect he would have told me the same thing. I'm not sure what to do. I know we need to end things, but I desperately don't want to lose him. I think that if he DOES go date other people, he would realize what we have is so great. I dunno...... I just feel like we are so perfect for each other and that I love him more than anyone else will. I know that sounds pathetic, but I'm trying to be a realist. On one hand, I dont want to date a liar, but on the other hand, I think he genuinely loves me and is just very confused. I struggle with the idea of leaving him for good with no contact and taking a break to see if he can work through this stuff. What do you guys recommend? Should I just let him go and if he comes back, he's mine? Should we take a break or try an open relationship? I dont know. I jsut know we both really love each other. THANKS FOR ANY AND ALL INPUT!!!!!!
Author TM42 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 He obviously wants to date other people, that much is pretty clear. Does this mean I should automatically leave him and move on?? I can totally understand being in your first relationship and wanting to figure out if this "is it". Wanting to experience dating, and such. Should I let him figure this out? Should I just forget about him? What do I do.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Is this really all that you deserve? A man that will go behind your back and flirt with other women online? A man that has decided that you're not good enough for him, he wants to date other women? Why? Why is that all you deserve in a relationship? I was married to a man for 4 years whom I was never good enough for. He cheated on me more times than I can count (and probably many I still don't know about). I finally divorced him because I didn't see it getting any better. I'm now in a relationship with a man that I AM enough for. He treats me like gold and I am his one and only - he doesn't care about other women. I never knew what security was in a relationship before. But it's definitely not a man that constantly questions himself and the relationship. You just have to decide what you're worth - and I don't think you're being treated fairly in this relationship. Have some self-respect and let him go. If he decides that you ARE good enough, he'll come back and prove it. You can't make somebody do that - they have to do it on their own.
Author TM42 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Thank you. That is exactly what I would tell a friend, and exactly what I know I have to do, but when you're madly in love with someone, it makes it hard. Rationality is often thrown out the window. Half of me realizes I can never cause a change in him, and the other part thinks we can work it out because the love is there. I already know I have to go through with this break up, its just so hard. I know he loves me but I also know its not nearly enough.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Thank you. That is exactly what I would tell a friend, and exactly what I know I have to do, but when you're madly in love with someone, it makes it hard. Rationality is often thrown out the window. Half of me realizes I can never cause a change in him, and the other part thinks we can work it out because the love is there. I already know I have to go through with this break up, its just so hard. I know he loves me but I also know its not nearly enough. Well, if it's any consolation, I was still in love with my XH the day I filed for divorce. Hardest thing I EVER did. I felt like I was giving up (even though I had tried everything else). He may love you, but it shouldn't be so hard to show it. Once you walk through the pain on the other side, you'll see that you made a good choice for you.
WhyamIhere. Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Thank you. That is exactly what I would tell a friend, and exactly what I know I have to do, but when you're madly in love with someone, it makes it hard. Rationality is often thrown out the window. Half of me realizes I can never cause a change in him, and the other part thinks we can work it out because the love is there. I already know I have to go through with this break up, its just so hard. I know he loves me but I also know its not nearly enough. What does he tell you every time he wants to start the relationship back up after he ends it? You are very very nieve and "when" your heart gets broken you will finally learn. His depression is related to your relationship. He doesn't feel good about himself and he is not proud to be with you which doesn't make him feel good either. Now I am not saying you are not worth every penny because you are but to "him" you are not. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can save some of your dignity. There is a fine line between saying you did everything you could to make it work and being totally nieve of the whole situation. I am speaking from experience because I was in a depression as well (i'm a male) and was in a relationship with a great girl. She was very beautiful and had great qualities but all I dwelled on was what I wanted which she wasn't. I didn't except her for her and knew she was totally totally in love with me like you describe your relationship. I tried ending it but I myself was still drawn back because I felt responsible for her. I loved her but wasn't in love and thats exactly what that saying means. I felt responsible for her so Ya I would take care of her but she didn't possess my heart just my physical being. Take this advice as you want it but I wouldn't lie to you about this. I feel terrible for the things I have done and the person I became. Your love is not a bad person just unfufilled. YOU need to realize you don't do that, like this is serious advice try bring up a threesome. Make sure its totally random people and make sure you police the event but I seriously think that would help.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 this is serious advice try bring up a threesome. Make sure its totally random people and make sure you police the event but I seriously think that would help. WTF? How is that going to help the situation? It would be better to cut and run.
WhyamIhere. Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 WTF? How is that going to help the situation? It would be better to cut and run. Your obvious a woman and have absolutely no clue to how men work. If you can keep a man sexually satisfied that is a pretty good thing you have going for yourself. I have known many friends to stay with chicks they absolutely didn't like because the sex was good. Pig's or not facts are facts. He sounds bored and wants something new but doesn't want to break her heart.
egyptgurl Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 How old are you??? You are on and off several times in only SEVEN months.... dude... move on. Be thankful it was only 7 months
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Your obvious a woman and have absolutely no clue to how men work. If you can keep a man sexually satisfied that is a pretty good thing you have going for yourself. I have known many friends to stay with chicks they absolutely didn't like because the sex was good. Pig's or not facts are facts. He sounds bored and wants something new but doesn't want to break her heart. Oh, gee - that makes for an outstanding relationship...staying just because the sex is good. I don't think the point of keeping a relationship around is just to not be alone - one should be happy and well-respected and cared for. She's not going to get her needs met by giving HIM a threesome. Good grief. Man, I'm glad there's more to my BF than just sex on the brain. My XH was a sex-addict and would probably make a genius suggestion like you made. Staying just because the sex is good doesn't exactly scream self-respect, either - I'd rather have a man with self-respect.
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