Butterflying Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I date pretty frequently. At least one new guy every two weeks. I meet these men everywhere: work, community events, supermarkets, parties, ect. Usually, what happens is that after a few dates, 2 or 3, I determine that the man is not "good enough" for me to commit to, or share my life with. But if he's not too bad, I'll remain friends with him. Here's some examples: Carl. He is divorced with 4 young children. He always compliments me and encourages me to achieve my goals. There is great romatic chemistry and physical attraction between us. But he has stood me up for dates on multiple occassions because of issues involving his ex-wife and children. Chris always apologizes. I've grown tired of the apologies. I don't want to take second place. I question his respect for me because he doesn't usually call in advance to cancel. And when he does call, it is minutes before the date. So I told him NOT to contact me anymore until he is totally available for me. That was almost a year ago. Mike. We met at a family gathering. His parents have been friends with my family for years. Mike and I made an instant connection. Everyone noticed and was happy to see us together. We are the same age. We're single and never been married. We don't have children. It seemed to be a match made in heaven. I had butterflies in my stomach the day after I met him. We exchanged numbers and went on our first date. It was then I realized that we veiw the world differently. He sees the glass half empty and I see the glass half full. These views are based on our experiences in life. He has a criminal record, bad credit, he is unemployed, and has very limited income. Believe it or not, I was willing to overlook these things because the criminal stuff was in the past and credit is only a problem when you need to finance major things like a house. Since I own several houses and am capable of "supporting" both of us financially, I was willing to give Mike a chance. However, Mike lives over a thousand miles away from me. After our first date, our primary source of communication is by phone. The problem is, Mike only text messages me. He never calls me. When I call him, he is always busy and doesn't answer. I leave voice messages. And he text a response. A few weeks ago, I asked him to call me instead of texting because I really don't like texting. He accused me of being controlling. He stopped texting. He still doesn't call. And I haven't heard from him in over two weeks. I called yesterday to wish his mother a happy birthday. He didnt' answer. I left a message. And I still haven't heard from him today. So...I have decided to give up on Mike. It seems, the texting issue was the deal breaker with him. And wanting to have priority in Carl's life was the issue there. Should I have settled for second place in Carls life? Should I have settled for texting Mike just to have him in my life? What are the odds of me finding another man who is the same age as me, who has never been married, and doesn't have any children? Am I too picky?
westernxer Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Wait until you've dated an alcoholic or a junkie before wondering if you're picky. LOL
Isolde Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Oh gosh no. You're not too picky at all. Let's see: Guy 1: Has kids whereas you don't, other obligations that take up his time, flakey about communicating Guy 2: Criminal record, long distance. Keep on looking. Seriously. You're being realistic about what are dealbreakers.
sotired Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 How old are you? The closer to 30 you get the slimmer the chances of finding a man without at least one kid. It also depends on the area of the country you are in. In the south it seems like everyone as kids by 25. I don't think either of those guys sounds like a catch....I'm sure there is something better out there.
Jaytb Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Picky? no. If you were picky you would have given those guys zero chance and said no the second you saw them. Better to give someone a chance and figure out they're not compatible than to give them no chance at all because you won't know if you're missing out on someone good.
MN randomguy Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I date pretty frequently. At least one new guy every two weeks. I meet these men everywhere: work, community events, supermarkets, parties, ect. Usually, what happens is that after a few dates, 2 or 3, I determine that the man is not "good enough" for me to commit to, or share my life with. But if he's not too bad, I'll remain friends with him. ........ What are the odds of me finding another man who is the same age as me, who has never been married, and doesn't have any children? Am I too picky? How old are you? If you're under 30 I would think that there would be a fairly good supply of guys w/o kids. On the other hand assuming you're in your 40s I'd say this, there's gotta be some middle ground between Mike which no woman has bred with for good reason, and Mike who has 4 kids, baby mama drama and no time for another serious relationship in his life right now. No divorced, 2 kids, sane ex civil about shared custody? Picky? no. If you were picky you would have given those guys zero chance and said no the second you saw them. Better to give someone a chance and figure out they're not compatible than to give them no chance at all because you won't know if you're missing out on someone good. +1 Are these 2 examples the closest you've come to a good relationship out of your bi-weekly dates? Or are these just kind of the norm?
Author Butterflying Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Are these 2 examples the closest you've come to a good relationship out of your bi-weekly dates? Or are these just kind of the norm? These are just two examples. But it's basically the norm. I'm 27 years old. There is another guy who is 22. Emir. We've known each other since he was 19 years old. We met in college. Physically, he is the perfect man. He is kind and respectful of me. But he is slightly immature. Not in a bad way. He just has many things in life to experience. Sometimes, he is like a little boy and I feel like his mother. Emir and I can never have meaningful conversations because there is a language barrier. English is his second language. There is also a bit of a cultural barrier. We rarely argue. But when we do, we make up. We have a wonderful "frendship w/ benifits" relationship. I just can't call him a boyfriend because there is no commitment between us. He is still living with and depending on his parents for income. Occasionaly, he spends the night with me when he wants to feel like an adult. But he is not always available when I need him. Last night I wanted to spend the night with him. He couldn't because he and his friends were getting drunk at a club. He promised to spend a night one day next week, and I know he'll keep his word. He has never lied to me in all the time I've known him. Overall, he's a good person. Just too young for me. He tells me that I am going to be his wife someday. But I don't take it seriously because I enjoy time spent with him. I don't want to "wait" for him to grow up. I know he has many girlfriends. But we are each other's "safe haven" so to speak. I could never be his wife. Although I think we will always be friends. Is that too picky? Should I "wait" for this man to grow up.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Nope, you're not too picky. You're actually taking a sensible approach in weeding out the unsuitable guys and not wasting your time with them while you could be looking for someone better. Mike sounds like he's had a rough time, and given the criminal record and unemployment he perhaps wouldn't be the best choice for a husband, and he also seems to be emotionally unavailable too. Emir sounds like a nice enough guy, but very immature and not ready for a committed relationship, plus there's the language barrier as you said. Carl sounds like a nice guy too, but he's prioritising his ex and kids over everything else, and he's clearly not available for a committed relationship with you or anyone else. None of these guys sounds like a good prospect to me. I think you should try to remain open and continue dating and looking for the right guy. A word of advice though: I always said I wanted to date a guy the same age as me with no kids, but then I started dating a guy 10 years older with 3 kids, and we get on famously. There are very defined boundaries with the kids and no drama (fortnightly visits and no sleep-overs), he is totally committed to me and treats me like a princess, and he's generally more mature than guys my age, and more prepared to have a committed relationship. So I guess you never know who you might fall for, and it's worth giving guys a chance and not limiting your prospects with strict criteria.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I don't think you're being too picky. Why should you have to "settle" at all? I mean, nobody is going to be PERFECT, but as was previously said, you're being pretty realistic about what dealbreakers are.
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