adam g Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I need help knowing exactly what it means to have a backbone. I am 24 and have never had a serious relationship. I have only been on a few dates and most of them ended badly. I'm usually told I am a nice guy (which I have reacted to worse and worse each time). I react to these things by completely withdrawing and usually don't meet anybody new or go out for months. I have recently lost weight, quit smoking cigs and weed, graduated college, and gained full time employment and yet have seemed to go backwards in my mental state to the point where I fear interaction with people I don't already know. I have hooked up a few times but almost always while drinking and it has been well over a year. I totally fear rejection and am so used to it that I don't go out of my way to experience it again. Every girl that has been interested in me has been turned off by the 2nd date and most of those were years ago. Most of my problems are self-created and now I am stressed to the point where I have the unattractive crows feet under my eyes at the age of 24. I don't believe in myself and don't expect others to believe in me. This HAS to change. I used to love going to parties and bars and now I rarely even do that. I don't "get it" and I hide from situations. Not to say I haven't tried before, but now I am just in a total rut. I have lost my sense of humor and I have distanced myself from my family and closest friends. They all think I have lost my mind. I have made positive changes physically but my head has not followed it. What brutally honest advice do you have for me to get me back out there and to not come across as a wussy. I would rather not go out at all then go through that again. I want to be taken seriously and not waste my time going through any more experiences that have just buried me.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Most of my problems are self-created and now I am stressed to the point where I have the unattractive crows feet under my eyes at the age of 24. I don't believe in myself and don't expect others to believe in me. This HAS to change. I used to love going to parties and bars and now I rarely even do that. I don't "get it" and I hide from situations. Not to say I haven't tried before, but now I am just in a total rut. I have lost my sense of humor and I have distanced myself from my family and closest friends. They all think I have lost my mind. Do you want to share what set you off on this emotional downward spiral? I mean if you feel comfortable sharing it here...please do to get a better sense what prompted this change. And it sounds exactly like what I bolded, you are in a rut. It's good to see you recognize this because that means you can come out of this.
Author adam g Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 I had finally gained confidence and started hanging out with a girl I met. By the fourth time we hung out I assumed it was a date. I tried to kiss her and she pulled away. It was the most courageous thing I had done in a very long time and it just ended up being weird. She said she had no idea I felt that way and i got the whole nice guy speech to the t. I hung out with her later and her friend showed up and they basically ditched me. I haven't met anybody sense and that was prob 3 months ago. Add that to 2 car accidents (2 totaled cars, one my fault and one not), only having a temp job that I am educationally overqualified for but emotionally lucky to even have, having to move back to my parents house after school, and bad/awkward social experiences that I now have a reputation for.
sotired Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 You really should look into a good therapist. Your problems don't seem to be limited to dating and it will help to find the cause and learn coping techniques.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Adam thanks for sharing all that. It sounds like you are going through some really trying times. You have just experienced a lot of rejection from a lot of different angles, it is understandable that you would feel down on yourself and have little faith on your abilities. Life is like that, it tests us and our strength is put to the test often to the point where we can easily break if we choose to let it break us. Rather than focusing on the negative which I know seems easy enough to do, especially when everything is going backwards, focus on the good. You have a home and a roof over your head. You have your parents that love you and are there to protect you so that you don't have to end up on the street. You have an education you can fall back on and you have work, which is a lot more than a lot of people out there these days and in the current global economic downfall we are experiencing. This is not to undermine your hardships, they are hard and very real, but it is to remind you of all the good that you have within all the bad. It's easier to see looking from the outside in, but take a step outside and look in. In terms of the rejection of the girl you liked, it happens, we all get rejected at one point or another. When you get rejected the best thing you can do is get back up on that saddle and work even harder. You will be rejected again, life is like that, but you eventually cycle out of ruts and find peace again. You're not out of control you are just dealing with a lot at once, it happens, take control again. I bet when things were good you didn't stop to dwell on how good they were you just moved along barely conscious of it but yet it is so easy to dwell on all the bad. The awkward social experiences can and might be the projection of how you are handling your emotions. Learn to control your emotions and you will atract positve energy your way.
BobSacamento Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Well for some advice from a dude - you sound rather normal to me. However you must remember your inexperienced. I still feel pretty inexperienced myself. The feeling of never knowing what woman is thinking is crippling to me. But hey you made your move on that girl and now you know she's not interested. Say you never made that move? I'd be thinking "Oh man did she ditch me because she didn't think I was interested?" I'd rather live with the embarrassment to be totally honest. I look back and laugh at it. There are some women out there who don't know how to flirt. There are some that don't know when they are flirting. I've told women before that they were flirting with some guy and they said - "No I wasn't! That's just how I am!" And then they complain to me when they get harassed and hit on by said man. Moral of this long story - not many people know what the hell their doing or what's going on. But it's all trial and error and honing your skills.
treyfan88 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I need help knowing exactly what it means to have a backbone. I am 24 and have never had a serious relationship. I have only been on a few dates and most of them ended badly. I'm usually told I am a nice guy (which I have reacted to worse and worse each time). I react to these things by completely withdrawing and usually don't meet anybody new or go out for months. I have recently lost weight, quit smoking cigs and weed, graduated college, and gained full time employment and yet have seemed to go backwards in my mental state to the point where I fear interaction with people I don't already know. I have hooked up a few times but almost always while drinking and it has been well over a year. I totally fear rejection and am so used to it that I don't go out of my way to experience it again. Every girl that has been interested in me has been turned off by the 2nd date and most of those were years ago. Most of my problems are self-created and now I am stressed to the point where I have the unattractive crows feet under my eyes at the age of 24. I don't believe in myself and don't expect others to believe in me. This HAS to change. I used to love going to parties and bars and now I rarely even do that. I don't "get it" and I hide from situations. Not to say I haven't tried before, but now I am just in a total rut. I have lost my sense of humor and I have distanced myself from my family and closest friends. They all think I have lost my mind. I have made positive changes physically but my head has not followed it. What brutally honest advice do you have for me to get me back out there and to not come across as a wussy. I would rather not go out at all then go through that again. I want to be taken seriously and not waste my time going through any more experiences that have just buried me. Therapy or counseling. That, or read a lot of self-help books. It sounds to me like you're in a loop. Try something different--something you wouldn't ever do to try to break these patterns.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Adam meant to answer your question about how to build backbone which was what you are asking, by the way you don't need therapy, please! What you need is to accept that rejection happens, you need to keep going no matter how much rejection you are faced with. The key to having backbone is in standing up for yourself when something doesn't sit right. If you are participating in a game of football, for example, and someone in your opposing team scores a touchdown you don't throw in the towel and exit the game you try harder to keep going in the game. You will feel frustrated and even scared that you might lose but your actions don't change, you try harder. Life is the same. If you feel that someone is using you or not appreciating you it's time to stand up for yourself and do what you need to to make it stop. Rather than focusing on the fact you were rejected see it as you taking the stance that you don't want to waste your valuable time with someone who does not appreciate you. And you don't stop trying to meet other women because of that. The more you accept rejection the more it will matter less and less when it does happen, and no one gets rejected every time or forever, eventually you will find the person or situation that is right for you.
bac Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 did you try dating sites like match.com and so on. There are a lot of girls and women there. From female perspective there is nothing easier than for a guy to find a female. If you do not know how to communicate with females buy books like 'the layguide' on amazon.com.
Author adam g Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 One night when I couldn't sleep I made a list of flaws that bothered me. Now I just see myself as a list of flaws, so that practice didn't work for me. The skin on my face peels faster than normal so I have a bright red face, I have black circles under my eyes, I have some acne (at 24!), I have excessive armpit sweating that even the strongest prescription medicine can't stop, I have a gut that won't go away despite my exercise regimen, I have a small spinal condition that naturally pushes me forward and gives me bad posture, I have stained yellow teeth from endless smoking and coffee. I don't have health insurance to deal with any of this and most medicine I have been prescribed in the past hasn't worked at all anyways. Before I just smoked pot and drank a ****load and didn't care, and now I care way too much. I still hang out with my old friends in comfortable situations from time to time but I am not interested in meeting new people until I can know I don't look like a chump. Unfortunately outside of surgery many of these things will persist.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 One night when I couldn't sleep I made a list of flaws that bothered me. Now I just see myself as a list of flaws, so that practice didn't work for me. The skin on my face peels faster than normal so I have a bright red face, I have black circles under my eyes, I have some acne (at 24!), I have excessive armpit sweating that even the strongest prescription medicine can't stop, I have a gut that won't go away despite my exercise regimen, I have a small spinal condition that naturally pushes me forward and gives me bad posture, I have stained yellow teeth from endless smoking and coffee. I don't have health insurance to deal with any of this and most medicine I have been prescribed in the past hasn't worked at all anyways. Before I just smoked pot and drank a ****load and didn't care, and now I care way too much. I still hang out with my old friends in comfortable situations from time to time but I am not interested in meeting new people until I can know I don't look like a chump. Unfortunately outside of surgery many of these things will persist. Adam you are missing the obvious solution to your problem which you have already figure out all by yourself: Instead of a list of negatives write out a list of positives and focus on that.
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