ErinsIsle Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I am now seven and a half months into NC with my ex of 8 years. During that time, I have worked on healing myself and now feel more confident. However, over the couple of weeks, I have felt I need closure on this, that things have been left up in the air. I feel there are a couple of things I want to say, namely, I was very hurt and disappointed with the way he treated me and that there was no need for it. The split was coming for probably years and was one of those where he had decided he did not want to continue the relationship but never told me. I did not see that at the time, but see it now. When I was in the relationship, I could not see past it, but now I am more annoyed at the fact that at any stage he could have been honest and straight with me (as I was with him) and I would have just accepted that. I dont understand how first I was broken hearted and able to maintain NC that now I am much stronger that I want to let him know I am not happy with the way he treated me, that it was disrespectful. It's kind of like I am outside looking back into the relationship, if that makes sense. Part of what might be bringing this back is that we are now working in the same area and I am half afraid I might walk into him. I really dont want to see him again at all. I think I need to put my demons to rest and send him a short letter or e-mail. I am not expecting or even wanting a response. Anyone ever in the same situation and what did you do.
PinkToes Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My situation is a bit similar, in that my breakup came at about the same time, and there were things between us that I wish he would have handled differently. We didn't have any real closure, and I felt there were a lot of things left unsaid. I had questions too, and I have considered writing the same thing. But over time, my urge to do that has lessened. I still have flashes of anger and frustration and a sense of how unfair it all was, but that goes away pretty quickly. I kept asking myself whether I would really feel better sharing those feelings with someone who probably wouldn't give it a passing thought, and I didn't think I'd really be teling him anything he didn't know. Are you still feeling angry about the situation, or do you feel you've accepted it and you just want to make sure he knows how much he hurt you? If it feels like any of this is motivated by anger, I would write it all down and hold on to it for a bit. You may feel totally different in a few weeks. And if there's a chance you might run into him, you'll be in a stronger position if he doesn't know you're still thinking about him or the relationship. Even though you know that your desire to contact him has nothing to do with him, who knows what he might think. Better he should think you haven't given him a second thought. I'm sure it's been somewhat easier in my situation because we didn't have a bad breakup, but I've still gone through the pain and sadness and anger and all of that. He didn't handle things very well at all, but he isn't a bad person. And I know he never meant to hurt me, and that he was doing the best he could at the time. Not that it's any excuse, but trying to remember that has helped me avoid telling him how I really feel. It's possible this urge will pass for you as well, so I would try to wait it out a little longer. Take care.
Author ErinsIsle Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Thanks for your reply. What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I think what is driving me is that things ended abruptly. He just did not call me anymore and I did not call him. After a month of NC, a close friend of mine (he knew the ex very well too) died tragically. I phoned the ex as a courtesy to let him know, and his tone first was kind of "oh god, what does she want" until I explained my reason for calling. I was fuming because I had thought long and hard before calling him to let him know the news. I had decided that he should know and I thought I was doing the right thing in telling him. Despite being shocked and checking the removal arrangements with me, he did not show up to the service. He phoned me the evening of the removal (no doubt to make some excuse as to why he did not show) but I did not take his call. I never called him since. My whole outlook towards him changed of that day. I am just wondering why, now, after this time, I have the urge to contact him. I have felt this for a few weeks now and the urge seems to be getting stronger. Initially, I said, I will see how I feel in a few weeks, but now for some reason, it seems to be what I want to do. I am quite a strong person, but that relationship knocked me confidence for six for years, and it is only now that I am coming back to being myself. Maybe this is part of it and why I want to do it. If someone insults me, or does something I dont like - I usually just say it straight out. During this relationship everything seemed to be on his terms, and I know I let myself down, maybe this is my way of closing the door for me and facing up to the fact that the way he treated me was very cowardly but that it really does not matter anymore. Unless he is a complete idiot (and that is debatable) he knows he hurt me very badly and his way of dealing with it is to just block me out too.
BackonTrack2 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 because you realize its offer, because your heart doesn't want to let it go.. it will pass in time, you are not healed yet. whats going to happen is the urges are going to get INTENSE, then go away. Then your going to go UP and down a few months, love him, miss him, yada, yada, and as time passes, you won't want him/her back. i've been ther, had the urges, even made post(s) like you. it will go away, don't call or be set back.
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