happy_go_lucky Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months now and we are great together; except every now and then a problem comes up: his past. He has had sex with 5 different women, all of which I know. When we first started dating I never questioned what happened before me until one of the women came up to me and said "ha ha I f***ed your boyfriend". I was extremely upset and shocked. I never had a clue as to who they were until I decided to ask. Little did I know, he still speaks to one of them and it hurts me. I understand it all happened in the past but inside I am jealous because it's not me. I lost my virginity to him and even though he didn't physically lose his to me, he claims he emotionally did. He also says: 1. They didn't mean anything to me 2. I never think about them 3. I love you, and only you How can I get past his past because it is ruining our future?
lostsunsets Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 You'd better if you love him. Unless of course you want to dump him for something he did before he met you. You can claim something all the other women can't.......you have him, they don't. But if you really can't get over it. You will need to be much more discriminating when you choose the next time. Obviously you will have to take the new guys virginity. Oh, but then you'll have the past. Damn!
angie2443 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months now and we are great together; except every now and then a problem comes up: his past. He has had sex with 5 different women, all of which I know. When we first started dating I never questioned what happened before me until one of the women came up to me and said "ha ha I f***ed your boyfriend". I was extremely upset and shocked. I never had a clue as to who they were until I decided to ask. Little did I know, he still speaks to one of them and it hurts me. I understand it all happened in the past but inside I am jealous because it's not me. I lost my virginity to him and even though he didn't physically lose his to me, he claims he emotionally did. He also says: 1. They didn't mean anything to me 2. I never think about them 3. I love you, and only you How can I get past his past because it is ruining our future? A couple of things strike me in your post. One, if one of the women said "ha ha I f***ed your boyfriend", then she is very immature and this reflects on your boyfriend. Another thing is, if he is bieng honest in saying "they didn't mean anything to me", then he had sex with women he didn't care about. At the same time, he still talks to one which means that he does at least thing of one of these women even though he says he doesn't. If he is young, early twenties, he's acting like many guys that age and I wouldn't be as bothered by any of this. If he's older, I'd be bothered by some of this. How old is he? How old are you? Is everything else good in your relationship?
sotired Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My boyfriend cannot even tell me the number of women he's been with...because he doesn't know. The number got too high to keep track of. So yeah...I've let his history bother me a lot. So much that it's led to big fights and a break up. We got back together and I realized he had done nothing wrong in our relationship. I was the one obsessed with his past. It doesn't bother me anymore. I know that I am the only girl he wants and he has sown his wild oats so to speak and is ready to settle down and be in a real relationship. Your man can't change his past but you can make a future together if you are BOTH willing to let go of it. It isn't cool he is still talking to an old flame though...That would be a red flag especially since you didn't know their history until recently.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 If a woman says "haha, I f****d your bf", an appropriate response is: "Oh yeah, he told me about you - he said your c**t is so wide it makes the Channel Tunnel look like a straw" If you want to be more polite, simply say: "Well you must have been crap then, otherwise he wouldn't be with me now". But if she's so immature, she really deserves the first response
Untouchable_Fire Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 1. They didn't mean anything to me 2. I never think about them 3. I love you, and only you How can I get past his past because it is ruining our future? First, he needs to stop talking to this other girl. If she didn't mean anything to him... then he should have done this already out of respect for you! Second... you may want to consider dumping him. It seems like his choice of women has not been very good so far. Most guys don't change in that. So you might be outside of his norm.
AAlike Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 hmmm...to properly evaluate this, I guess my question is under what circumstances do you know ALL FIVE of his previous partners? I can understand knowing one or two but all of them? Were you friends with him before you started dating? Although I generally disagree with the notion that you must cut off all communications with everyone that you've been intimate with when you start dating someone new, it seems a little weird that you have his entire history pegged. and under what circumstances did this girl say that to you? just out of the blue? I ask this because if she is doing this, it's hard to think that there isn't some residual feelings going on or something to that effect. very odd.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Well, the girl who said that to you is a classless bitch. Having said that... If you want the relationship to survive, you HAVE to get over this. Maybe some of the women he slept with, or all of them, were skanks. But SO WHAT? Sleeping with them was his choice, not yours. You weren't with him yet. He doesn't owe you an explanation, much less an apology. And he certainly doesn't owe it to you to submit to an interrogation by you, or to you laying some kind of guilt trip on him because he took your virginity and you didn't get to take his. Either get over it, or break up with him. Simple.
AAlike Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Well, the girl who said that to you is a classless bitch. Having said that... If you want the relationship to survive, you HAVE to get over this. Maybe some of the women he slept with, or all of them, were skanks. But SO WHAT? Sleeping with them was his choice, not yours. You weren't with him yet. He doesn't owe you an explanation, much less an apology. And he certainly doesn't owe it to you to submit to an interrogation by you, or to you laying some kind of guilt trip on him because he took your virginity and you didn't get to take his. Either get over it, or break up with him. Simple. ideally you are definitely correct...however, the reality is that people do have jealousy issues and this guy would probably be better served by NOT hanging out with everyone that constitutes his sexual history on a regular basis (if in fact that is the case). Did you tell him that this girl said that to you? if you did, hopefully he then cut her off immediately because no one that is a friend to him would do that.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 ideally you are definitely correct...however, the reality is that people do have jealousy issues and this guy would probably be better served by NOT hanging out with everyone that constitutes his sexual history on a regular basis (if in fact that is the case). To me, it depends. The reality is, in this day and age, lots of people end up sleeping with people who were their "friends" first. Or they sleep with somebody, and the two of them decide they don't want it to be more than that, and they simply stay friends. Then along comes a person who, due to jealousy, expects their partner to break off all communication with any friends with whom they have a sexual history. Unless that person from the past is still trying to strike things up sexually, then those friendships should be allowed to continue. To me, the rule should be that sexual-history people who are "friends of the current relationship", i.e. who are supportive of it and aren't trying to undermine it, should be accepted and, hopefully, welcomed. I broke up with my previous GF last July. That was a big issue between us. I have a few female friends I'd slept with several years previously. To my then-GF, the fact that I was still in contact with them was a huge problem. I was basically put in a position where I had to choose between my then-GF and my friends. (Two of them, I never told then-GF about, and I lived with a bit of dread about the possibility of her finding out what had happened several years before she and I ever met. Was that the best thing to do? Perhaps not. But that relationship had so much conflict and drama already that I saw my silence as the best way to hold onto a bit of happiness.) With my current GF, we both have friends with whom we have a history. And we're both cool about that. This sort of thing has, honestly, never been an issue for me. Years ago, when I first met my now-XW, I knew she'd slept with a guy who was a good friend of hers, before we'd ever met. He became a friend of mine as well. And even if I TRIED to feel angry or jealous about it, I couldn't. Guess I'm just not wired that way.
Author happy_go_lucky Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 Thank you all very much for your input. I will try to answer as many questions as I can. Okay, first off, this girl he is still in contact was a girl he slept with and the only way he talks to her is when he runs into her at a party or elsewhere. I know he doesn't go out of his way to see her. As far as the other girls, I personally know 2 of them, and have heard/seen the other 3. I know he was good friends with most of them which makes me uncomfortable now. The girl who said "ha ha i f***ed your bf" said that to me right when we first started dating so i believe she was jealous but that doesn't bother me anymore because I'm the one dating him, not her. Also, he told me he has no desire to speak to any of them. I know once in a while 2 of the girls will text him and say how much they miss him and I have enought trust in him that he will leave the situation alone. I am 18 and he's turning 20 and everything else in the relationship is great. We hardly ever argue and being together 10 months, the spark is still there. I really didn't want to know his past but I couldn't help but think about it so I asked. I didn't mean to interrogate him, but it was the only way I could get a start on moving forward. He told me pretty much everything I'd ever want to know about it and with that being said, I know I mean more to him. I am his first real girlfriend and I can proudly say that I am his first love. Once again, thank you all for your comments
AAlike Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 To me, it depends. The reality is, in this day and age, lots of people end up sleeping with people who were their "friends" first. Or they sleep with somebody, and the two of them decide they don't want it to be more than that, and they simply stay friends. Then along comes a person who, due to jealousy, expects their partner to break off all communication with any friends with whom they have a sexual history. I agree with you for the most part, in fact in a prior post I said: "Although I generally disagree with the notion that you must cut off all communications with everyone that you've been intimate with when you start dating someone new" but there are certainly limitations to what is permissable and what is in poor taste. now that I read the OP's explanation I don't think that this should be an issue either.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I lost my virginity to him and even though he didn't physically lose his to me, he claims he emotionally did. He also says: 1. They didn't mean anything to me 2. I never think about them 3. I love you, and only you How can I get past his past because it is ruining our future? That's smart of him -- the "emotional" bit communicates that you are special. Sounds a bit like a line, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he really means it. Anyone who has previous sexual partners knows that they don't mean anything in a new relationship. When I love a man, my sexual history has nothing to do with him and our sex life. All the experiences he has had in his life he has had because of who he is, and they have helped shape him into who he is today. It's part of the package, and it means absolutely nothing in the present.
BlueEyesAngel Posted April 9, 2009 Posted April 9, 2009 I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend still talks to her ex's and several of then constantly tell him that he should break up with me or that if he wants to have an affair they are more than willing to be with him. He says that none of it matters but he still talks to them. I competely understand what your going through.
reservoirdog1 Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 That's different, I think. I distinction should be drawn between former sexual partners who are "friends of the relationship", and those who aren't. Somebody who slept with your SO in the past, likes you both and is happy that the two of you are in a relationship, is a friend of the relationship. Somebody who's trying to undermine it, either by telling your SO to dump you or trying to get into their pants, is a cancer on the relationship, and should be cut out.
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 You're going to have to get over it if you want to stay with him. Men have an inherent need to spread the seed- it's normal. You can't be angry at a man who has a sexual history. This happened before he met you. I went out with a guy that had dated pretty much every female in his friend group. Going out with him meant I had to hang around these girls as well. They were really cool welcoming girls. I didn't have a problem that he was still friends with these girls. It's all about feeling secure with your relationship. He'd been friends with these girls for years- since highschool and we met in our 30's. The girl that made reference to sleeping with your boyfriend is obviously a bitch. That's probably why nothing ever came of their union. She's trash and not worthy of your attention. But, your boyfriend isn't responsible for what she says, she is. If you have a loving, trusting relationship with your boyfriend, you should embrace that rather than focus on his past.
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