pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 On paper, yes. Practically speaking, no. Like I said, grey yes but that paper prevents you from picking someone else, or practically speaking yes you can?
carhill Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 It did sound a bit "through the looking glass" didn't it? Well, it is a philosophical thread and I enjoy that kind of introspection. Trying to share the process as honestly as possible. I smile more now and drink less than I have in a long time.
O'bama Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Yes, there are millions of people who could be compatible with each person. Were there not, your "soulmate" would be at a convenience store in Tibet and not sitting behind you in high school math class. No, there's just one. You're totally forgetting about divine intervention.
carhill Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 yes but that paper prevents you from picking someone else, or practically speaking yes you can? Given my penchant for long courtships and few sexual partners, I trust there will be nothing on my event horizon for a goodly period to come. I'm enjoying women as friends more than I ever have. No pressure to choose or be chosen. Old fart disease
Storyrider Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I think it's possible to be ok with being alone and see it as a possibility but still be open to finding a good R. You can't, or at least you shouldn't, resign yourself to being alone. No, that's not what I mean. I mean, when I was younger there were criteria on my list that were there, frankly, because I was lacking something inside myself. For example, I now have a strong sense of moral direction and emotional security, so I would not choose a man because I believed he would provide those things for me. I might be able to choose someone based on simply enjoying who he is, enjoying his company.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Given my penchant for long courtships and few sexual partners, I trust there will be nothing on my event horizon for a goodly period to come. I'm enjoying women as friends more than I ever have. No pressure to choose or be chosen. Old fart disease So cryptic.... are you in a position to date freely yes or no? Are you seperated or still married/with your wife?
spookie Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 The only "criteria" I have is that we have chemistry and he's capable of being at least a mediocre boyfriend. Why is THAT so hard to find?
Author Isolde Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 I might be able to choose someone based on simply enjoying who he is, enjoying his company. I guess then it comes down to whether you're concerned about long term viability or not.
Author Isolde Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 The only "criteria" I have is that we have chemistry and he's capable of being at least a mediocre boyfriend. Why is THAT so hard to find? Yeah, seriously a BF is hard to find. I guess I do want more than a "mediocre" BF though (try a good one, if not necessarily someone I'll be with forever), which makes it all the harder.
Storyrider Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 we have chemistry Because this is a shorthand way of saying that something really rare has happened; at least in my life it has not happened that often. And when I did experience *real* chemistry, I realized I'd been fooling myself when I thought I had it before. Most of the time, I had been just going with the flow, dating guys because they liked me first and they were cute and smart and nice...not the same as chemistry.
Els Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My impression from reading the boards seems otherwise though. Everyone's saying that there's millions of fish in the sea... She put on weight? Dump her, plenty of fish on the sea! He's moving 2 hours away? Dump him, plenty more men where you come from! He happens to work at the same place as you? Don't even think about it, you'll find lots of other men. He happens to be an ex of your high school classmate? Don't bother with him, things'll be weird, there are millions more to choose from anyway. While I respect those people's opinions (and maybe for them finding a potential partner really is as easy as...well...fishing), I don't agree with them. For me, finding someone compatible is about as rare as fishing up a diamond ring from the ocean. Yes there can be more than one, but I don't think I'd meet too many in my lifetime. Maybe it's because of my quirkiness, that it's unusual to find someone who meshes perfectly with me and understands me completely, someone whom I can spend hours of each day with and yet not feel bored, nor feel like my space is being invaded. I certainly don't have too many criteria -- the only few that I can think up off the top of my head is that he must at least be of equal intelligence to me, open to my slightly deviant sexual preferences... and compatible! For that, I've gone through situations that the 'many fish in the sea' advocates would not have -- because I realize how rare it is to find that total compatibility, and because that is so important to me. I've been with someone whom I got to know online. I've been with someone whom I knew would be leaving for another country in 6 months' time. And now I'm with his friend. I don't regret any of it. And in 23 years, I've never found any other than those three. There was 1 whom I thought would be compatible, but he had a girlfriend, so out of the question. There were several (not too many, but several) who were trying to court me. One was extremely insistent and really quite a nice guy, and he stayed very near my place. However, since I just knew that there was no compatibility (his conversations were BORING), I refused him and went on to the long-distance relationship with that other compatible guy instead.
carhill Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 So cryptic.... are you in a position to date freely yes or no? Are you seperated or still married/with your wife? I would never consider dating anyone prior to a formal divorce process (meaning the litigation/mediation part) beginning and likely wouldn't be intimate with anyone for a very long time, since the process would be emotionally draining. Not fair to another person. I still can be a good friend though and appreciate those friends who stand by me. Sorry for being so cryptic. My wife joins you in the criticism So, if I were to meet a potential during this period, I would note the significance and accept it as poor timing....
O'bama Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Yeah, seriously a BF is hard to find. I guess I do want more than a "mediocre" BF though (try a good one, if not necessarily someone I'll be with forever), which makes it all the harder. I think that's an urban legend.
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I would never consider dating anyone prior to a formal divorce process (meaning the litigation/mediation part) beginning and likely wouldn't be intimate with anyone for a very long time, since the process would be emotionally draining. Not fair to another person. I still can be a good friend though and appreciate those friends who stand by me. Sorry for being so cryptic. My wife joins you in the criticism So, if I were to meet a potential during this period, I would note the significance and accept it as poor timing.... Ouch! Wasn't trying to put you down...sorry if it came across that way. Was only trying to determine your status since it was confusing. Ok so now that you explained that, my original point was that you are not in a position to be choosing so therefore that might be why you are not faced with having to figure out what compatibility means to you at this point in your life, hence the grey. If you were actively dating you would be faced with having to determine what makes a woman compatible based on your past and current experiences.
spookie Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Because this is a shorthand way of saying that something really rare has happened; at least in my life it has not happened that often. And when I did experience *real* chemistry, I realized I'd been fooling myself when I thought I had it before. Most of the time, I had been just going with the flow, dating guys because they liked me first and they were cute and smart and nice...not the same as chemistry. So true..........
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My impression from reading the boards seems otherwise though. Everyone's saying that there's millions of fish in the sea... She put on weight? Dump her, plenty of fish on the sea! He's moving 2 hours away? Dump him, plenty more men where you come from! He happens to work at the same place as you? Don't even think about it, you'll find lots of other men. He happens to be an ex of your high school classmate? Don't bother with him, things'll be weird, there are millions more to choose from anyway. I don't necessarily agree that someone should dump their partner under those circumstances. Certainly, if the person cheats or lies, or is violent or unpleasant, or is simply incompatible with you and there's no love or chemistry, then you should end the relationship. But if you find someone with whom you're compatible and there are some issues with circumstances (i.e. not issues between the two of you, but external issues like location or working for the same employer) then you should make every effort to work through those difficulties. If your gf gains weight, help her to lose it. If your bf moves away, have an LDR and make plans to be together as soon as possible. If you've been lucky enough to find a compatible person, don't throw it away because of external (and fixable) issues.
carhill Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Ok so now that you explained that, my original point was that you are not in a position to be choosing so therefore that might be why you are not faced with having to figure out what compatibility means to you at this point in your life, hence the grey. If you were actively dating you would be faced with having to determine what makes a woman compatible based on your past and current experiences The main reason I've been working on the specifics of compatibility was due to the work done in MC to determine the specifics of incompatibilities between my wife and myself, ostensibly for the purpose of bridging the gaps. In examining the latter, our psychologist helped me establish better tools to discern the former in a way which worked with my personality. Not an easy task, to be sure It took the better part of a year for me to put the bits together.... Any expansion would be OT and better left to a journal. Suffice to say that my opinion of the one versus the many has changed
pollywag Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 The main reason I've been working on the specifics of compatibility was due to the work done in MC to determine the specifics of incompatibilities between my wife and myself, ostensibly for the purpose of bridging the gaps. In examining the latter, our psychologist helped me establish better tools to discern the former in a way which worked with my personality. Not an easy task, to be sure It took the better part of a year for me to put the bits together.... Any expansion would be OT and better left to a journal. Suffice to say that my opinion of the one versus the many has changed I respect that but at the end of the day therapy is all talk and rationalization. You may think a lot of things talking them out but relating to someone and different people in a romantic sense, gives you a different outlook on what you respond to or reject. You meet a woman that blows your socks off with inexplicable chemistry and reciprocates those feelings and all the therapy work is out the window. On the topic of how many compatibles we encounter, I just don't think you can rationalize love or chemistry for the very fact that it happens from our subconscious. You can find a person that on paper fits all your tangible criteria yet you might feel chemistry just not as deep as with others. On the same token I think if you want a relationship, or marriage or a baby incubator, bad enough you will create compatibility where there is none. Which coincidentally ties in nicely to what Storyrider said: I might be able to choose someone based on simply enjoying who he is, enjoying his company
Els Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I don't necessarily agree that someone should dump their partner under those circumstances. Certainly, if the person cheats or lies, or is violent or unpleasant, or is simply incompatible with you and there's no love or chemistry, then you should end the relationship. But if you find someone with whom you're compatible and there are some issues with circumstances (i.e. not issues between the two of you, but external issues like location or working for the same employer) then you should make every effort to work through those difficulties. If your gf gains weight, help her to lose it. If your bf moves away, have an LDR and make plans to be together as soon as possible. If you've been lucky enough to find a compatible person, don't throw it away because of external (and fixable) issues. I totally agree with you about the external vs internal part, couldn't have put it better myself! Most people don't seem to though.
era Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 My impression from reading the boards seems otherwise though. Everyone's saying that there's millions of fish in the sea... She put on weight? Dump her, plenty of fish on the sea! He's moving 2 hours away? Dump him, plenty more men where you come from! He happens to work at the same place as you? Don't even think about it, you'll find lots of other men. He happens to be an ex of your high school classmate? Don't bother with him, things'll be weird, there are millions more to choose from anyway. It's LS protocol. Everyone here advises - N/C, or dump him/her. It's because we are hearing only one side. We don't know the whole story behind the post.
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