laur2288 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Alright, I would say I am a really easy-going, fun, understanding girlfriend. Watch a movie? Whatever you want! Going out with your friends? Love to! Wanna night out with the boys? Have fun! Porn, strippers or lap dances? Knock yourself out! In fact I will give your mate money to get you a surprise lap dance just as long as your coming home to me. Its not to much to ask though to want the same respect though is it? Hes really into his xbox and I am not a gamer type. Ive tried playing but after twenty minutes I get bored and wanna go do something. We are now in a long distance relationship so we only see each other every two or three week for a long weekend and the occasional week. I get that we don't need to spend every second together but he has gotten in to the habit of heading to play games and putting his full attention into it for hours... Ive let him know that while I don't care about him playing it would mean a lot if he kept his time at a minimum so we could watch a movie (his choice) go out to eat (his restaurant) or go out (with his friends). To this I get "I know I just fell so comfortable with you, I feel like I can play games... you don't care." Hes right, I don't but at a certain point I need attention too... Is it wrong to slap a time limit on him. "You can only play for like 2 hours a day when I am in town." The other thing is in order to get him to do anything it has to be on his terms and I always go along with it. Like i said... we eat where he wants to eat, watch what he wants to watch, hang out with who he wants to hang out with. It really honestly does not matter to me. Then on a rare occasion I decide I wanna do something. See a certain movie "Its not my thing babe, I am not watching that." Go out to eat "I'm not in the mood" Go out with my friends "i don't know, we will see... I'm not making any set plans" That's the kicker for me because when he comes to Paris to visit me he always wants nights in. When I go to London To visit him(about 90% of the time) hes cool with going out until I tell him that one of my friends is having a party or I have friends coming to London. Yet somehow he always has a legitimate excuse to why we can't go. Ive gotten in the habit of going alone but I would like him to come with me! Its annoying. Hes yet to meet the majority of my friends. It is weird because is was never like this when we first got together. He was always doing what I wanted to do, making compromises. I honestly believe I am just so easy going that now he is taking full advantage and believes he can only do something because he wants to. I am not saying he NEVER does stuff for me. We are going on vacation for our anniversary because I begged and begged. He has on occasion taken me on great dates when I know he really did not want to just because I was bored. I know he loves me. He tells me all the time how he cant believe how well he lucked out. All his friends have restrictions placed on them by significant others and my only rule is no cheating. Which I am not worried about at all. I dunno, I just want him to meet me halfway more often but don't know how to go about changing my personality of "anything goes." How do you take back months of letting him do whatever, whenever. Am I giving him to much room, should I put more pressure on him? I don't want to control him I just don't want him to think he can get away with anything he likes and I want him to know he has to do what I want a bit more. What do I do?
flash582 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Sounds to me like he's lost some respect for you because you haven't stood up for yourself. You have to either live with it or stand up for yourself and say hey! we're not living just your life here ... I have a life too that I want you to share in. Put down the xbox and quit being selfish.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Next time make plans ahead of asking him. If he says no, you'll go out partying yourself. Don't let everything revolve around him.
mental_traveller Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 He is taking you for granted and has lost respect for you, as another poster said. You need to put your foot down - demand respect rather than feebling hoping in vain for it. Quite frankly you need to jettison the nice-girl doormat routine and learn to be a bit more of a bitch.
Author laur2288 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Quite frankly you need to jettison the nice-girl doormat routine and learn to be a bit more of a bitch. That line made my day... Its less of me being a doormat and more of not really caring what hes doing. I mean I care but I am a big believer in running your own life. He can do what he wants and I wont judge him... hes a grown man. Ill trust him until he gives me a reason not to. Also, don't you ever think that its just easier doing that they want then going through the whole debate on what to do. Then again I guess at some point Ill have to chime in or ill be spending the rest of my life wishing he could read my mind and let me choose the movie.
carhill Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 IMO, don't marry him without PMC (if that's on your mind). You'll need to learn better communication tools and how to resolve differences (even which restaurant) in a positive way. If you don't, and continue the status quo, I'll guarantee that you'll end up feeling resentment.
bean1 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Laur, I did the same thing in the beginning of my relationship. Prior to meeting my SO, I was very "gimmie gimmie gimmie" and vowed to not make that mistake again. Unfortunately, I took it a bit too far in the opposite direction and ended up on the opposite spectrum. Don't be afraid to stand your ground and ensure that the relationship is more even - it's a partnership and it's up to you to pace that; give people an inch, and they'll take a mile, even if they don't intend ill will.
Chat Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hey there Is he French? This may or may not have much to do with it but I find that since I have been with a Frenchman and met his friends etc etc - they seem to have mothers who raise them dotting on them making life all about them and then you end up in a situation where if you are too agreeable they are just totally unaware of your needs - I started going through this with my boy - but put him in his place soon enough...
bean1 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Hey there Is he French? This may or may not have much to do with it but I find that since I have been with a Frenchman and met his friends etc etc - they seem to have mothers who raise them dotting on them making life all about them and then you end up in a situation where if you are too agreeable they are just totally unaware of your needs - I started going through this with my boy - but put him in his place soon enough... LOL!!! My SO is French. So true.
mental_traveller Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 That line made my day... Its less of me being a doormat and more of not really caring what hes doing. I mean I care but I am a big believer in running your own life. He can do what he wants and I wont judge him... hes a grown man. Ill trust him until he gives me a reason not to. Also, don't you ever think that its just easier doing that they want then going through the whole debate on what to do. Then again I guess at some point Ill have to chime in or ill be spending the rest of my life wishing he could read my mind and let me choose the movie. I'm not saying try to run his life. But instead of doing 100% what he wants, and putting up with him doing *nothing* for you...how about at least shift it to 75% him, 25% you? This issue is clearly bothering you or you wouldn't post about it here. Even if you are ultra-mellow and are fine with letting him do his thing, you can't put up with that *all* the time. Just assert yourself a bit more and see how it goes - if things improve then good, problem solved. If not, or if they get worse, then at least you know where the issue lies, and you can do some thinking on whether you're happy with this relationship.
Author laur2288 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 No he is not French. Surprisingly I moved here and was all excited to meet a French man and then after a few casual dates with a handful of different french men I can to the conclusion they were not for me. I did however fall madly in love with every English accent that was thrown at me and that is what my boyfriend is. Ooh how I melt anything I hear him say "Knackered" or "mate" So a fancy little update for you: My best friend from Paris just happens to be going to London the next time I am there to visit my boyfriend. She invited us to go to a club to see her friend who is the DJ and of course meet up for drinks first as she has yet to meet my boyfriend. I tell him all about it, give him all the details and of course I get "Oh i know that club. Its to crowded... to small... it is easy to get lost near there" So I put my foot down in my own way... I told him I would meet him half way and we could invite his friends to come along for drinks with mine then if they wanna come to the club they can. I also said told him that I knew he had a million reasons not to go but one reason to go was that it would mean a lot to me if he just made the effort to meet one of my best friends. I told him I was going with or without him but I would be happier to go with him. Its not really putting my foot down. I still left him with the option to do whatever but it worked and he is coming.
Island Girl Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 You need to put your foot down - demand respect rather than feebling hoping in vain for it. Quite frankly you need to jettison the nice-girl doormat routine and learn to be a bit more of a bitch. How true this is. Too many girls don't understand that the word "b*tch" is in a lot of ways a good thing! LOL Its less of me being a doormat and more of not really caring what hes doing. I mean I care but I am a big believer in running your own life. Being a doormat is in the perception of the behavior not necessarily the motivation for the behavior. And it isn't about him running his life. It is about you running yours. You should have some choices and feelings about things in your life. And those choices and feelings should be important to him. But you have given him every reason to believe that it is all about him. It is about how he feels and what he wants. So you don't get considered. He doesn't even pause to think about how you may feel. And now, even when you do voice your unhappiness, he puts you second. Like the video games that he plays incessantly. You are there for the weekend after not seeing each other in weeks and he plays video games the whole time? OMG that soooooo would not fly with me. -- If I am taking time out of MY life to spend it with you, you better see it as valuable and make the most of it. I do not expect to be treated like I am part of the decor while you do what you normally do when you are alone (especially being that you have WAY more alone time than girlfriend time!). He can do what he wants and I wont judge him... hes a grown man. So if what he wants to do hurts your feelings and causes you to feel secondary and not a valuable part of his life, that is okay then? It shouldn't be. And you voicing that it isn't okay has nothing to do with judging him. It has to do with your needs being met or not. Ill trust him until he gives me a reason not to. Also, don't you ever think that its just easier doing that they want then going through the whole debate on what to do. No - see, there is no debate. There are times when I don't care what we do. But if I do care, I voice it, and my man knows that keeping me happy makes his life a whole lot easier and he's happy. Then again I guess at some point Ill have to chime in or ill be spending the rest of my life wishing he could read my mind and let me choose the movie. Yeah. Wishing he was a mind reader. How's that going for you? I have yet to meet a man that has passed Psychic 101. You're a passenger in your own relationship. Unless you voice your opinion and get in the drivers seat (even occasionally) your not going to get to where you want to be. Its not really putting my foot down. I still left him with the option to do whatever but it worked and he is coming. I am glad it worked out. Now let's just hope he doesn't get there and then, after 10-15 minutes, say he wants to get out of there and go someplace else (with or without you). He is meeting someone important in your life for the first time. He SHOULD be accommodating out of the utmost respect for you and your feelings. Let us know how it plays out.
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