LittleLadyGirl Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 This is my first post here, so a big spanking "Hello" to all. Six months ago my stbx husband cheated on me and left me for a girl he'd known for only 3 weeks at his new job. We were together for a little over four years, married for a little over one year. He's British so it wasn't easy to get the fiance' visa for him to come to America, and I think he's planning to stay here. He gave me a runaround about the divorce and has pretty much tried to foist all the responsibility for it onto me. He hasn't filed yet (as far as I know) and communication with him is next to impossible. I want it filed but he was the bread winner, and so I am currently trying to find work and have no money to spare for filing. I'm hoping his GF will get on him enough that he will file soon and it will be over with. It's been such a hard six months, but I feel I have made a lot of strides in terms of personal growth. I'm trying to take the best I can away from this experience, and work through the anger and pain of it to build a stronger me. Even though I do feel like the way he got out of this marriage was callous and selfish, I do own my own share of why our marriage was troubled. Not taking all the responsibility, just examining it and using the mistakes I made to learn lessons that will hopefully benefit me in future relationships. I'm learning that I gave up too much and took a lot of bad treatment because I just didn't have enough self respect and investment in my own well being to really draw lines and walk away when he treated me disrespectfully/cruelly. I feel like I've got my own life back now, and I've been doing so many new things and changing so many things for the better. For months my libido was dead and I couldn't even think about another guy. Now, my libido is definitely back but I can't imagine how the hell to go back out there. I'm not even officially divorced yet, and that just seems like such a thorn to deal with when meeting anyone knew. I wouldn't have my ex back even if he came back, I know that for sure, but I am having a little trouble from time to time knowing just what it is I DO WANT right now. My sex drive has come back with a vengeance and it's frustrating because I'm not sure I could do the 'fling' thing ever again. My ex was my first long involved relationship, so I never had sex AND intimacy together before that. Before him I could easily enjoy physical encounters for the pleasure of them, but now I am not sure I can separate the two anymore. It just sucks because the sexual frustration irritates the hell out of me. Just wondering if any of you who are farther along with divorce or have been through one before can relate? Some have told me that I just need to 'get out there' and have some 'flings' even if it's a little scary at first, to sort of 'push through' the fear and/or intimidation of it. Others say that when I'm really READY (ready for sex and/or intimacy) I will KNOW. Which is it, do you think? I do feel I have so much further to go, I want to take a long time to work on me, my self esteem, my own accomplishments, etc. before going near a relationship. It sucks though because I'm about to be 31 and I'm as yet childless, that stupid clock is just ticking away. Sometimes I do swear it feels like my sex drive is so revved up right now because my hormones are screaming 'WE NEED TO GET IMPREGNATED SOON WOMAN!!! TIME'S A-WASTING!!". Stupid uterus.
imagine Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I hope you find a luverly guy that will teach you constant intimacy. I hope lotsa sex happens after you are married.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 So your hubby married you for a green card, and as soon as it came through he dumped you and went off with someone else. What a nice guy he sounds! I've heard about this happening quite a lot, usually because people want to live in the US/UK and marriage is often the easiest way because of strict immigration policies in both countries. Perhaps your hubby's other relationship was going on longer, but he didn't want to split with you before his green card came through. I wouldn't suggest that you sleep around to make yourself feel better, because I doubt it will work, it'll probably just make you feel worse. But perhaps you could date and spend time with guys, even if only to boost your self esteem. When you're ready to have sex, you'll know - don't push yourself. You're the same age as me, and you're hardly past it in terms of child bearing - with modern medicine you have at least 5-10 years to have kids.
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