wheresmysunshine Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hi everyone, This is my first post. I guess up until now I've been in some serious denial about what is going on in my relationship so I never looked online for support. It seems like there are some really great people on here going through similar hurtful situations and I really enjoy spending my time lurking the boards reading through and taking in all the advice. I am not alone and I now realize this so thank you! My story- I am 25, ex-fiance is 26. We met in Highschool in 2001 been together ever since. My only BF, only sexual partner- I fell hard. He also claims I am his only sexual intercourse partner but who the hell knows for real. Trust has always been an issue with us from the very beginning. I guess I had the love blinders on and never took them off as the years went on. When we met in HS he was dating another girl but he said it was not at all serious and that every girlfriend he did have before me (all short term) he always got bored of. I was the first girl he never felt this way with. It was not a love at first sight thing with me. In fact I did not think he was attractive when he was showing strong interest in me. For him it was all lust and attraction. After a couple months of his strong advances I fell very much in love with him, so much that I told friends he was the one I was going to marry after only 4 months!! After about a year of dating he confided in me that he had a sexual experience with another guy. I was sick to my stomach and confused not sure how to really react. He told me that he had contacted some local guy online and he had come over to his house and gave him oral sex. That was all. Guess we got over that little confession because I don't remember him or I bringing it up ever again. However I do remember snooping around on his computer and finding a folder filled with porn, Mostly blowjob stuff but it was girls giving head to guys. I believe the search term he used when collecting videos was "cumshots". I confronted him about this and he blamed it on his dad (he lived with his parents at the time still). Eventually I found out after persisting that it was all his stuff. He also said he looked at it because of the penis. Like a penis obsession or something? I don't know if he was saying that because i was very hurt and self conscious that he was looking at women as well in these videos. We had a lot of fights throughout the years, mostly with him talking to other women, flirting on the computer chat rooms and stuff and me finding him sending naked pictures of himself to other girls online. We'd break up for a few days or a week and he would beg me back saying they meant nothing and I was his life. He would even cry! He was and always has been my world, when I comitted myself to him as his GF I felt like this was forever. I took him back everytime he hurt me. I guess we can fast forward to the more recent stuff. We moved into an apartment together after he graduated college and he got a really good paying job. He has always been the financial stability for us, mostly because I always followed him where he needed to go to school and I didn't have the resources or help from my parents financially to complete school like he did. So August 2006 after living together for about a year, I find he had a convo opened on his computer with some canadian chick basically like a sex convo. They were talking dirty to each other while I was in the other room of our apt at nights! Of course I am shaking and calling him at work totally yelling and screaming why would he do this to me/us and thought I was not satisfying him or something?! It turns out that that was not the only **** to hit the fan. An intern at work had caught his eye and they were becoming way to flirty and close for comfort. So here I was yelling at him for finding this convo on the computer, yet all the while he is having an emotional affair on me with some intern! The next several days he did not come home from work until after midnight. He would tell me to either leave or he would find a place and leave me with the rent to pay. I could not believe he was choosing this chick over me! Every night he was spending out late with her while I cried my eyes out and felt guilty. I ended up taking my cats and moving 3 hours away, back to where my family was. After about 3 weeks of my moving he started playing head games with me, telling me life sucked without me and how he didn't want this to happen but it was my fault for yelling at him so much and leaving. He was turning the tables around on me!! I went through these head games for 4 months. He would lead me on, tell me he wanted me back and that he made the biggest mistake, the grass wasn't greener on the other side. Yet all the while, I checked the online phone records(we share a cell plan) and that interns number was smeared all over it still! I eventually put my foot down and told him I was not going to talk to him ever again unless I saw her number wasnt on our bill anymore. Well he did prove this to me which was a huge step i thought in the right direction. I should also note that he claims they did not have sex, only oral sex. so i am still his only sex partner. I ended up moving back in with him in our apt I left after thanksgiving. Things were still difficult because that intern still kept calling his cell even after I was back but it eventually tapered off and he did have to make a call one day to her in front of me as proof that he didnt give a **** about her, and he told her off on the phone and told her to stop calling him for good. finally it ended! I thought things were going great after that, he proposed last May 08 and we quickly set a wedding date and put down $2000 on our venue. We also bought our first house together. I find out around the time he proposed some new chick got hired at his work and apparently developed some serious crush on him. He only admitted to this because she was calling his cellphone sveral times a night and on weeeknds when we were together. I even made the comment once that this girl must really like him because she is calling him so much. He played clueless and said she just needed help with work stuff. Um on weekends? riiiiiight. It was only until I went through our phone records once again that I saw they were having conversations almost every other day and when I was at work or not home! I couldn't believe it! One day we'd be touring our wedding venue with his parents and the next he would be talking to her on the phone for 30 mins without me knowing! I felt like this was the ultimate betrayal since we were engaged and with house at this point. I didn't know what to do so I picked up and left town once aagin to stay with my sister for a week. He didn't call me until after 3 days to ask me why I left over nothing. That this girl he didn't like and she was just a friend that he let get out of control. At the same time I found another re-curring number on our phone bill, but not as much as the co-workers, only to find out it was some chick from night school he met that liked him. Okay so now here's 2 girls which he is saying mean nothing?? Once again he was begging me back saying that nothing happened, he was stupid for letting it get out of control. I basically told him the only way I would go back was if he went to therapy with me weekly and if he called those girls up and told them to stop calling him. He called them so he says and told them off, and also went to therapy about 7/8 times with me. I thought we were doing really good until a week ago I notice that co-worker was calling him again on a weekend. I was so pissed and confused! I thought he dealt with her and told her off. He claims he still has to help her with work stuff but that there isn't anything else going on. Yet she called and called and left vm's which he wouldn't let me listen to and txts that I coudlnt see! what is there to hide if he is doing nothing!! I told him he either needed to tell her off again for good or I'm gone for good. He said he already dealt with her in november and just bc she didn't listen wasnt' his fault. he did his job and he wasn't going to tell her off again because he had to see her at work and he didn't want to be mean. UM OKAY? wTF about me? I'm your fiancee and you are oKay with hurting me but not this girl??? SO here I am you guys, it will be a week tuesday since I left him... again. Now things are messier because we have this house together. I am on the deed not the loan so yeah I'm in a good position but at the same time he wants me to get my **** out. I haven't heard from him much actually, only for him to tell me what I can and can't take from the house. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much and I feel like he is really confused. Of course I did check the phone records the first night i was gone and i saw he stayed at her house until 3am. I haven't looked at the records since bc i know it will only hurt me bc her number will be all over it. Sorry for the novel but this is 8 years of baggage. I know most of you will prob just tell me to move on but it isnt that easy for me. For now I am just sitting on the computer searching the forums for clarity and support and guidance. Thank you for letting me vent and for those who actually read all the above, you are too kind!
Excellent Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Although i understand that letting go after 8 years isn't easy, i really think you should whip out the champagne and be glad that you are free. This guy is a first class dickhead, literally. He has no heart, and the only head he is thinking with is the one between his legs. Get all your stuff, give back whatever stuff that is his (or throw it away). Delete him everywhere you can and jump into NC. If he contacts you and starts the whine, tell him to find someone else to jerk around as he pleases, because you won't fall for it again.
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 For some real clarity, you've got her number. Call her.
Author wheresmysunshine Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Excellent- This is what everyone has told me. I do admit I am a very weak person when it comes to believing him when he begs me back... but It is only because i truly love him so much. I mean this is the man I've spent all my young adult life with, the one who I dreamed of marrying, the someday father of my children. I can only think he is confused in life with what he wants or his sexuality? we had a pretty active sex-life and we shared every night together, when he is done with work we are enjoying our evenings in bed together watching tv and just spending time with each other. These times were my happiest and most content times. I guess I didn't add another major peice to the puzzle because of all the stuff I already wrote above. But the first time we split up he confided in me that he was into tranny porn.. or "shemales". I'm sure most of us know what this is. Basically these beautiful body and face of a woman but they have a dick. Well he told me he was watching a lot of this stuff and got really turned on. At first I was appauled but figured he was just curious and still into sex with me and no problems getting turned on with me so I tried to deal with it by being open to it in the bedroom with me but discouraged him from looking at the porn on his own any more. Soon after using a dildo on him he stopped asking me for that in bed and we went on with our usual intercourse with no problems. Last week while we were arguing about this co-worker calling again he told me he needed to get something off his chest. I asked him what was so important and he said that it wasn't about this co-worker at all, that he is having urges again about the tranny stuff. I was shocked and yelled at him, what are you GAY!??? he was obviously offended and tried retracting his statement but the truth was already out there. he said he was masturbating to the transexual porn again and thought he just needed to see what the real thing is like. I was like, we already tried the dildo in your ass rememeber???????? he was like no i mean real dick. UM OKAY WTF... i cried in front of him asking him why he proposed and why he told me he wanted to have children with me when he wants to experiment with these shemales. He just tried taking everything back and said he was only joking. but that was after my reaction. So did I screw up because i reacted that way? and he's just hiding behind this co-worker girl when really it is about his own inner sexuality battle? i dont know, im so confused
Author wheresmysunshine Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Trialbyfire- believe me i have thought about doing that. But she knew we were engaged (everyone in his office does since its a smaller one) and she still allowed this to go on. I really can't bring myself to calling her.. i guess not yet. I feel like what is that going to do for me to bring closure? I already know how much she likes him. I've heard the VM's where she says, i really need to talk to you about things before work, i think we should meet, i know i'm not supposed to call but i really need to talk, can you meet me tonight?.... she is very vague in her messages, and i can only assume he is and has been leading her on.
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Trialbyfire- believe me i have thought about doing that. But she knew we were engaged (everyone in his office does since its a smaller one) and she still allowed this to go on. I really can't bring myself to calling her.. i guess not yet. I feel like what is that going to do for me to bring closure? I already know how much she likes him. I've heard the VM's where she says, i really need to talk to you about things before work, i think we should meet, i know i'm not supposed to call but i really need to talk, can you meet me tonight?.... she is very vague in her messages, and i can only assume he is and has been leading her on. You're afraid of the truth. In doing so, you allow yourself to be led on, just like this other girl. Call this girl. I was a little confused about whether there were two girls at work, at different times or you were referring to the same girl. If there were two, call both of them. The truth hurts but can help to cauterize. Right now, you just continue bleeding.
Excellent Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Excellent- This is what everyone has told me. I do admit I am a very weak person when it comes to believing him when he begs me back... but It is only because i truly love him so much. I mean this is the man I've spent all my young adult life with, the one who I dreamed of marrying, the someday father of my children. I can only think he is confused in life with what he wants or his sexuality? we had a pretty active sex-life and we shared every night together, when he is done with work we are enjoying our evenings in bed together watching tv and just spending time with each other. These times were my happiest and most content times. I guess I didn't add another major peice to the puzzle because of all the stuff I already wrote above. But the first time we split up he confided in me that he was into tranny porn.. or "shemales". I'm sure most of us know what this is. Basically these beautiful body and face of a woman but they have a dick. Well he told me he was watching a lot of this stuff and got really turned on. At first I was appauled but figured he was just curious and still into sex with me and no problems getting turned on with me so I tried to deal with it by being open to it in the bedroom with me but discouraged him from looking at the porn on his own any more. Soon after using a dildo on him he stopped asking me for that in bed and we went on with our usual intercourse with no problems. Last week while we were arguing about this co-worker calling again he told me he needed to get something off his chest. I asked him what was so important and he said that it wasn't about this co-worker at all, that he is having urges again about the tranny stuff. I was shocked and yelled at him, what are you GAY!??? he was obviously offended and tried retracting his statement but the truth was already out there. he said he was masturbating to the transexual porn again and thought he just needed to see what the real thing is like. I was like, we already tried the dildo in your ass rememeber???????? he was like no i mean real dick. UM OKAY WTF... i cried in front of him asking him why he proposed and why he told me he wanted to have children with me when he wants to experiment with these shemales. He just tried taking everything back and said he was only joking. but that was after my reaction. So did I screw up because i reacted that way? and he's just hiding behind this co-worker girl when really it is about his own inner sexuality battle? i dont know, im so confused Yeah, i know how it is. I loved my ex to death, and i many ways i still do. Although the relationship was very, very short, it was very intense too. I had no doubt that she was "the one". But she treated me like crap for two weeks before the break, and then managed to string me along for 2 months after. I don't know how many times i thought about suicide, and how it was the only solution to end the pain, i've lost the count. She turned into a person i don't even know anymore, i didn't think it was possible for a person to be so cold. Working at the same office as her didn't make things better at all, it was (and still is) the biggest test i've ever been through. I finally had to take two days off in early feb. to think things over, and i called in sick. When i got back, i initated NC, and i've been there ever since. I was done letting her hurt me like this, because she obviously was going to keep this game going on forever. And it does help, after the first month i was feeling 10 times better, and managed to put things in a little more perspective, and think with my head for once. I care about her, a lot. But i won't let her treat me like that again. I comfort myself by knowing that she probably isn't aware of what she is doing. All that she has done, she proably thinks that it is the right way to handle things, when it clearly isn't. And she has showed me during the last two months that she is starting to become her old self again. I have reached a point where i can think of her with other men without even flinching now, and say that hey, if she's happy, then it's fine. It's all i care about, i will leave her alone. But letting her hurt me like that is out of the question. I think your bf/ex is in a similar situation. Although his actions are way, waaay beyond what my ex did, he is very confused. About what he wants, and from what you tell us here, is own sexuality. But my point here, after this long post, is that you can't let him drag you anymore into this. He clearly has many things that he needs to sort out, before he deserves someone like you. IMO you have exceeded your patience way beyond what most of us would. Cut him off and let him help himself for once, i think you have done what you can. You can't let him hurt you anymore, because it will come to a point where you start hating him. And hate, is never good. He needs professional help, and until he gets it, you tell him that "you and me" doesn't excist anymore. Go NC, and start healing. Thats the important part, you don't wait for him. 8 years is a long time, but for me, cheating is the ultimate trust-breaker. I have no respect for cheaters at all, and there is no excuse for putting someone through that, no matter what.
Author wheresmysunshine Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Thanks for your insight Excellent. You said you and your ex worked together. Is that how you originally met? Through the office? also, do u still work in the same place even after breaking up? How can you truly go NC if you still have to see each other daily at work? When you have gone NC, did she ever break it and try to communicate with you?
Excellent Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Thanks for your insight Excellent. You said you and your ex worked together. Is that how you originally met? Through the office? also, do u still work in the same place even after breaking up? How can you truly go NC if you still have to see each other daily at work? When you have gone NC, did she ever break it and try to communicate with you? Yes, she started as an apprentice at my office in sept. 08 (broke up with me early dec. 08), and she was assigned to me. Don't get me wrong, i'm not her boss or anything, i was only to show here how things were done at the office, as i started there as an apprentice myself in the beginning. There's only 4 years difference in age between me and her, and she is quite attractive. So she quickly caught my eye, and things sort of just went from there. And yeah, i'm still working at the office with her, although i'm now in a new position at work, a promotion you might say. So i'm not as involved with her as before. I still have to see her everyday, and interact with her to get things done tho. NC is still possible. She is very attention-seeking. So i stopped talking to her, unless it was work-related only. And whenever she wanted to talk, have a coffee or anything, I politely turned her down, saying i'm too busy. Wich ironically enough, with my new position there, is true. I'm constantly overworked. She has contacted me after work too, several times. Right after i started NC she tried to invite me over a few times, but i turned her down. Now, she contacts me here and there when she wants something, like drive her somewhere etc. Always turned her down. I never, ever ask her about her personal life, simply because i do not want to know. She asked me last week how my love-life was going, so she obviously still cares or is curious. Wich in some sort of weird way is nice to know. But i don't give her anything, and i won't. The effect...well, she is way more nicer than when she broke up and the two months after. In a way, i feel more respected again. I still care about her greatly, and i still have my moments where i miss her and what we had. But i keep those emotions at home. I'm not, and i won't run around her at work, feeding her ego. She showed me that she has plenty of that right before and after the break.
Author wheresmysunshine Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Wow, it sounds like u are really strong and have a handle on things. Even though it was a short term thing it sounds like it was very difficult being that you worked in such close quarters. so what makes u hang around LS still? it doesnt sound like you want to get back with her? are u still hurting really bad over this?
Author wheresmysunshine Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Wow, it sounds like u are really strong and have a handle on things. Even though it was a short term thing it sounds like it was very difficult being that you worked in such close quarters. so what makes u hang around LS still? it doesnt sound like you want to get back with her? are u still hurting really bad over this? Actually, i just got to read your post "i love this." which was very interesting!
Excellent Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Wow, it sounds like u are really strong and have a handle on things. Even though it was a short term thing it sounds like it was very difficult being that you worked in such close quarters. so what makes u hang around LS still? it doesnt sound like you want to get back with her? are u still hurting really bad over this? I'm not sure if i am strong, but i am trying to atleast. And yeah, even if it was very short i fell very quickly, and very hard in love with her. It was like a brick hitting my face. It has been very hard, and at times it still is. I suppose thats why i am still here, i'm not completely over her, but i have realized that the odds of getting her back is probably zero. And i certainly won't crawl for her to accomplish that, i'm way to proud and stubborn do to that, to anyone. It has to be her that does the crawling if it should come to that, but she has to realize what she has done before that ever happens. And i'm afraid that day isn't anywhere near yet, i think the only way she could see that, is that if someone does the same thing to her. I am still hurting, not over the loss of her, but the way she treated me. What i want is an apology. The two weeks before the break was like she was punishing me for something i hadn't done, or realized i had done. I always treated her nice, we never had a single argument what so ever. Just the last weekend before she broke up with me, she did so many things that hurt me like hell. I sometimes still think about what she said, and what she did. I remember several nights, lying behind her back in bed while she was asleep, crying, because i honestly did not know what to do. I could see her slipping away, and i did not know why. Asking her got me nowhere, so i did the same that she did. Build a wall around me, saying "no" whenever she asked if anything was wrong. It was two weeks of a living hell that i don't wish upon anyone. I have seen and experienced lot of **** through the years, but this nearly killed me. If i want her back? I don't know anymore. It has to her doing the effort then, she really has to show me that she is serious this time. Because i am done playing. I know what i want, and if she can't give it to me, well, then i find someone else that can. Hanging around LS has helped greatly for me, it's nice to see that my case isn't unique in general. This happens every day to someone, so atleast i don't feel alone anymore. In addition to that i used this experience to dig deep into myself, and really learn what i want and expect from a girlfriend and a relationship. I know my errors now, and i know what i will and will not tolerate. And since we work together, i have used her behaviour against me to understand what is going on in her head. And i find this very fascinating to be honest.
Excellent Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Actually, i just got to read your post "i love this." which was very interesting! Hehe, aye, i was going to link it. You might say that little "log" is what keeps me going. Although hurting, i do find this very fascinating
Ariadne Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Hi, In the last years of being with this guy you have become some sort of freak. It seems like all you do is check his whereabouts and his phone records. I can imagine your life must be awful and painful this way every time you find yet another phone call. I know you want him to be perfect and loving, but I don't think this is going to change much. It seems like that guy gets lots of attention from women and he likes it. And now it got to the point that he doesn't even want to deal with you anymore and he is asking you to leave. I imagine that all this prosecution on your part has gotten him very tired also. Well, it may be that if you move on he'll regret it later. But you might be much happier then, once you are free from this situation. Good luck with it all. Hugs.
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Omg Sunshine, you are well shot of this guy! You probably couldn't see it because love is blind, but he was such a bad guy! He was into shemales and wanted sex with other men, he was having sexual conversations with other women online, he cheated on you by having oral sex with another woman, and also with the girl from night school... he was a bad egg and you are well rid of him. Thank god you didn't marry him and have to continue dealing with his cheating and his desire for sex with other men... imagine what it would have done to your marriage, and how it would have affected any future children. You really are better off without this loser, you deserve so much better! I realise it's difficult to move on when you've only been with him, and you've been together for a long time, and suddenly all your hopes and dreams for the future are gone... but believe me, if you had married him I don't think it would have been a happy marriage, you saved yourself a lot of heartache by ending the relationship now. Are you sure the girl he left you for isn't a shemale?! If she is a real girl, the poor thing doesn't know what sort of mess she's getting herself into - after what you've said I actually feel sorry for her. You may love him but he clearly doesn't love you, or even respect you. Please grow a backbone and stand up to this cheating lying loser - tell him where to stick his engagement and find yourself a straight man who doesn't want to be boned by other men.
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