dkin Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hello all I'm new here, found this forum through Google and I need the insight of people who have gone through similar to what I have and come out the other side. So here it is. In October 2006 my wife decided she wanted a separation, which later culminated in her wanting a divorce. The financial stress of the situation caused us both to procrastinate hiring a lawyer, so the divorce never happened, though we were separated almost two years. In June of 2008 she approached me with the question of reconciliation. After some long conversations and alot of thought I decided to take her back and moved into her place towards the end of June '08. So my problem is this: while we were separated she had a lifestyle of bar-hopping and partying. She had one-night stands, booty calls, a couple short-term boyfriends... just really "sowed her oats." I also discovered in August '08 that within the first month of me moving back in, she had gone out for girls night, gotten drunk, and slept with one of her old booty calls. When confronted with it she said her heart had not been fully into "us" at the time, that it was new, and confusing. But she also said she realized it was a horrible mistake, cut him off right away, and fully made the choice to invest in her family life. She quit going to the bars entirely, cut off everyone she associated with during our separation. I have come to believe that her whole heart is now into me and our family, that we love each other, and I very much want to put the past behind me and continue my life with her. Putting our son through that again is out of the question, I know she loves me, I know I love her, and in almost every respect our marriage is far better than it ever was before. But part of me keeps obsessing on the lifestyle she lived while we were separated and the fact that she slept with someone else when we were first getting back together and it is sabotaging our relationship. It has gotten to the point I have moments whether I doubt that I actually love her and that I am staying for the wrong reasons. She senses this and feels that she is being punished and that it is unfair because she has changed and proved to me for months that she is trustworthy and fully invested. I want for us to work, I don't want our family to split again, but if that is going to happen I need some way to move on from the past, or be okay with it, or something to help me with those obsessive thoughts before it ruins my marriage again... *edit* forgot to mention we have tried counseling and several self help books.
LakesideDream Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Fixing a relationship isn't like fixing a car. You don't just go to a mechanic get a diagnosis, replace a part and continue on your way. Your wife needs to realize that trust takes time. You are not "punishing" her, you are wary and protecting yourself. A councilor may be able to help. She had her "fun" Had lots of sex. Then decided she wanted to come home. That's a lot for you to process. It's not going to happen in a few months. Add to that the reality that she cheated immediately after asking for and receiving a reconcilation. Time and hard work can save a marriage. It take equal committment from both sides. Continue to be true to yourself, if something doesen't feel right it probably isn't.
2sunny Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 from what you have said it seems as though she has been honest about her activities - is she willing to continue being honest if she's tempted NOW? i understand the slip up last summer - but is she capable of giving you the truth if she has any thoughts of that prior lifestyle again? the other important point to consider is - her actions NOW are speaking what you would like to accomplish. this is huge (and a big positive for both of you). if her actions are telling you that she is firmly connected to the marriage and family - that is good. i'd be willing to give it an honest effort given the circumstances... counseling is beneficial to find the root of why she needed to "sow her oats" at this juncture - willing to risk the family unit... good luck!
pelicanpreacher Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hmmmmm! So your wife decided, after 2 years of separation and riding every swining #### in sight, that she was ready to reconcile with you. When she left you she pretty much returned to the man you were when she married you. You, however, are still caught in a nostalgic fog of a love long gone for the person your wife represents, even inwardly knowing that she is but a shell of the woman you first married. She who willingly became a stranger to your life is now looking to turn back the hands of time to restore her previous luster and keep you ensconced in the fog you've refused to emerge from when she left. She has sensed this weakness in you and now demands that you stop questioning the light of the truth as it harkens you to review the images of her single nights without you. I am curious as to the impetus of her true motivations to reconcile and what exactly did you talk about before deciding to move back in with her? Within your foggy state of mind you assert that you know you love her and that she loves you but you've also stated that the only reason that you didn't divorce was because of financial hardship. If I'm reading between the lines correctly I'd say that you hid behind the excuse of cost regarding divorce in order to obscure the fact that you secretly pined for her return during her absence and that the resistance you currently exhort on behalf of tramau done to your son by the separation is a but a false front hiding your own weak will to stand up for yourself. The fact remains that all of these problems should have been addressed long before you took any step to reconcile, much less move back in, so they should be nonissues now. Since you've already moved back in you want to create a little drama of your own to tantrum your "tempest in a teapot" over the fact that you now know for certain that you are only a back-up plan destined to face the same predicament again and again and again because you are too big a doormat to stop it! Maybe you are truly confused or just enjoy lying to yourself. Whatever the case may be you've made your bed so lay in it!!!
seibert253 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I think the fact that she went out one night and slept with another man, after she asked you to come back to the marriage, speaks volumes. I'm sorry I'm not buying that she's changed and now totally working on this marriage.
pelicanpreacher Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Do tell us that you haven't been stupid enough to have protected/unprotected sex with this woman yet? If you have then you're a bigger putz than you know!
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