goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hey, I'm a 24 year old dating a 38 year old who pretty much travels all the time. It's been 6 weeks, and even though he established me with me that Im not dating anyone else, I found out through him that he is 'seeing' someone 'occasionally' but they aren't sleeping together(neither are we). So for the pas 6 weeks, we'll see eachother here and there, and he calls quite often but I just need to understand where I stand. He told me that we'll discuss the situation with this lady he is 'seeing occasionally' another time when he's not so tired, and I'm not so depressed/tipsy over being made redundant(as he was leaving my apartment). He said he'd come by Tuesday evening. How on earth do I get my point across that I need to know where I stand? I know we're not exclusive, but its really annoying me how I feel he is constantly floating around(to be fair, he's been really nice to me consistantly) and very evasive about his life,and himself. Is there a point to even inquire? How do you get someone to have 'the talk' without sounding over the top? Bear in mind, i am 24, and thus will admit I don't have the experience to necessarily understand an older man's point of view, and really don't want to loose my 'stand' and be made into a simpering younger female fighting for his attentions...cos I'm not, I just want some form of answer really. Some solidity. Please help
Author goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Also to add, all these new books and films such as 'he's just not that into you' and the 'rules' etc are not making it any easier...stating that we as females need to be elusive, and just go with the flow, and never question a man about this or that because men are delicate creatures who will lose all feeling for you once they realise 'they got you'...I'm afraid that me saying what I feel will make him realise 'the chase is up' cos I've revealed my feelings... It's just that I feel like I'm floating in a cloud of ambivalence):
rlindzie Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 well i can give you what id do but i am young too i would just ask to clear some things up. i mean honestly the best thing to do is not bring it up untill you guys go steady [so to speak] i do understand that you want to know to make a good decision for yourself, so if you can ask in a way that seems the least intrusive , so you dont sound like you are trying to control or anything but just so you can clear a few points up. good luck!
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Well, as an older "older man", I appreciate clear communication. This is my single biggest issue with women in my lifetime; that they speak in riddles. I can read between the lines pretty good and still often find their double-speak confusing. Tell him "I love being with you and am not interested in dating anyone else. How do you feel?" I'm assuming that's what you feel like, or did I read between the lines wrong?
Author goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 lrindzie - thanks for the advice lady:), that's what I'm trying to achieve...trying to be casual about it all but getting my point across Carhill - EXACTLY! I am NOT interested in dating anyone else. He knows I'm not dating anyone else(he questioned me about this 2 weeks ago cause he wanted to 'test the waters') When I asked him the other evening, he said he wasn't dating anyone but was 'seeing someone occasionally' but not sleeping with her. He said we'd discuss it when he was back in town. I have yet to hear from him): He is supposed to return tomorrow. I'm just scared me saying what I feel will have him run for the streets(as is the case with 'younger men'). Is it different with older men?! I know he thinks I'm gorgeous, and he likes spending time with me. But perhaps all I represent is 'pretty eye candy'?? And I don't want to be that. I sincerely care about him. How do I say all this without coming across as bizarre?! Shoudl I even bother? WHy isn't he taking initiative?
WorriedOne Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I am 35 and I cannot even imagine dating a girl who is only 24. I know you said you're not having sex with him. Are you giving him oral sex or anything like that?
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Should you bother? Is the Pope Catholic? Of course you should bother. Ratchet up your courage and tell him how you feel. You want to date exclusively, not get married and become grandparents Speak clearly, then listen. Then watch his actions. Do not pursue the matter further. Set a limit within yourself as to how long you will wait. Enforce that limit. Love is a feeling. Relationships are a choice
Author goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 WorriedOne, Nope. The furthest I've gone with him in reference to his body is touching is ahem package over his pants whilst making out. BUT he has ahem gone down on me several times because he kept insisting. I told him I don't mean to be selfish, but that I need more time to get used to all this, and he seemed more then okay with it as let me state he literally INSISTED on going down on me and I've had to stop him after the THIRD time in like an hour because I really felt like it was selfish of me to have him well ...satisfy me, whilst I didn't do anything for him, but hey he seemed to be having a good time,so why complain! By the end, he was like hey at least you cant call me a selfish lover hah!
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 He's effing the other woman. Sorry That's my instinct....
Author goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Carhill, that's what I think too. Why else would you 'occasionally' see someone?? It makes no sense. I'm sure if I were okay with us sleeping together early on, we would be. I just dont know what to do? As you said I could broach the topic and tell him I enjoy spending time with him, and want to be exclusive, but am SO FEARFUL of him turning around on me and saying he's not looking for that...eek!
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 goldencloud, your description of this guy from your other thread and this one, rings off the five alarm firebell in me. He's hiding way too much. I still say he's previously committed in some way or a commitment phobe. More likely the former.
Author goldencloud Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 trialbyfire, you're absolutely right. I feel that too. But how do I handle the situation from here? I will admit, I do lack the experience to know what to do in these situations? I would say perhaps just never pick up his calls again, but I know I won't do that, as there doesn't seem to be any 'concrete' evidence for me to do so...How do I go forth from here, and make him see that I will not be a 'something' on the side(if the case is I am).
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1895100&postcount=9 Glad I'm consistent
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 If you don't trust a guy, there's usually a reason why. Listen to your gut instincts. Don't put up with crap. Btw, HJNTIY, has nothing to do with being elusive. It has to do with not putting up with crap and realizing you're someone worthwhile, someone who shouldn't waste time with men who aren't that into you. No proof is necessary when you've only started to see the guy. He's hooked your interest and keeps being elusive, by drawing the game out. If you want to play headgames with someone, he's your man. Expect to get your heart ripped out if you invest. I wouldn't personally waste anymore time with this guy. Latah!
BubblyPopcorn Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 He's effing the other woman. Sorry That's my instinct.... That's my instinct too. He's a 38 year adult male who travels on business quite often, "sees you when he sees you" but is also "seeing" this other woman. Well that's good for him... but what about what's good for you also?
GAchasen Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Without communciation there is no relationship. Just ask the man what he thinks about you, and then ask him how he feels. He has been there and done that 20 times over. Is he divorced? Does he have children? He may just be looking for a good time... Not trying to hurt your feelings, but never assume anything from a man in his late 30's. You are not going to shock him. If he cares, he will stay with you. Why are you so afraid?
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