Is she just not that into me....?

[UCLAMike]

So I went out on a "date" last night. Everything was great. We had dinner, chatted up, and went to the beach, and I played some songs for her on the guitar. She was entertained. Things were going well and we decided to hang out a little longer. So we went out to downtown to get a drink. That's when things started to change a little. When we got to the bar, she started acting strange. Just not talking as much and not looking interested. Then she called one of her guy friends out. (wtf?) He is her older sister's friend and has a gf so i know it's not like that. then basically we hung out for a littlebit and went home. He ended up taking her home saying my house is out of the way. She felt hesitant even when I was giving her a hug goodbye. WTF? I'm so confused.

 

Here's some red flags I saw. Basically she just came out of a 3 year relationship a month ago. She says the breakup was mutual and that they both knew very well it was coming. and the ex is in a different country and likely they will never see each other again. She made it clear that she is totally over him. I also made my intentions pretty clear - that I was interested in her. She seemed very receptive towards my hints as well. She says she isn't really looking for anyone nor dating, but that she is definitely open to meeting somebody nice whom she can potentially even marry. At the end of our date, we had some drinks and I turned red. It's just how my body reacts to alcohol even if I am completely sober. She says she felt like they were pressuring me to drink so she decided to end the night abruptly so that I don't drink anymore. Maybe she didn't feel safe me driving??

 

I don't know but we talked at the night of the night on the phone and AIM. I was so curious that I felt like I may have said some things inappropriate that I didn't know. Then I realized I had said some stuff about her old old ex whom we both know and how I never liked the guy. I told her she deservs better. I apologized saying I didn't mean to disrespect what she had with him if I sounded that way. I also told her I liked everything I know about her. Then she basically asked me what my expectations are. I told her that I don't have any expectations. I just wanted to get to know her more and see where it goes. Then she said "oh no not particularly about you and me but in general. r u looking for a gf/wife?" I told her that I'm not looking for a gf nor just a date, but that I am looking to meet a best friend whom I can potentially marry. She responded saying that she is just looking for a good time and a good company. Here's the punchline, after she said this, she also said "BUT I think you are very talented and a really really great guy." I think this is an excuse. I think it's her way of saying I'm not that into you. It just seemed so strange I cannot read her. I complimented her a bit and made my intentions very clear to her. I know she isn't confused about where I stand. Maybe she is telling the truth. Even from the beginning of the night she wanted to go to a club with her sister. She was constantly text msging with her friends and her sister and wanting to hang out. Anyone have a clue?

[carhill]

Well, I'd date someone else, but that's me

 

I'm not a professional dater by any means but, when a woman I ask out on a date goes home with someone else, sayanora baby

[UCLAMike]

Well, I'd date someone else, but that's me

 

I'm not a professional dater by any means but, when a woman I ask out on a date goes home with someone else, sayanora baby

 

Yeah. I was clear to her where I stand. It doesn't matter what her reasons are, she said she isn't interested in a relationship at this time. She did go home with her friend. Mehh I guess I have to scratch this one off and put it behind me.

[carhill]

The positive thing here is she'll remember your interest and the boundary you set as a result of her choices. We teach people how to treat us

[rlindzie]

ya i hate to be a downer but i dont think she is into you that way. i must say that was really rude of her to text, and invite a friend to join the date and all that. better luck next time

[UCLAMike]

The positive thing here is she'll remember your interest and the boundary you set as a result of her choices. We teach people how to treat us

 

Yeah I basically ended the night on a good note. I told her I understand everything she is saying and that I basically get the hint. Thanked her for a good evening and hoped she finds what she is looking for. Then I peaced out.

[WorriedOne]

Yeah I basically ended the night on a good note. I told her I understand everything she is saying and that I basically get the hint. Thanked her for a good evening and hoped she finds what she is looking for. Then I peaced out.

 

Sounds like you lucked out, this woman is no good. What she did was tacky and tasteless.

[mr.dream merchant]

Yup. Never be the rebound duke. Broads like that will just do you wrong.

[Awesome84]

Ok... There is this guy that I let take me out on a couple of dates. After date num 2.... I realized that I wasn't really 'into' him. Actually... I realized that during the date.

 

So here's the thing:

 

1. The date was probably going ok but it may have took a turn when you did or said something that made her realized that she's not into you... Hence the inviting someone else along (but even that is just RUDE and tasteless... even I would have NEVER done that if I wasn't into him... It's just common courtesy).

 

2. She said that she was just looking to 'have a good time' and 'good company'. I only say that to guys I don't really like that much but I think they are nice.... which brings me to Num 3...

 

3. When a girl states... 'Your a really nice guy... But...'... Or vice versa, It's usually a sign that she is trying to let you down easy.

 

4. You probably made the mistake of telling her how you feel so soon. Girls/Women don't like that. It scares us away when a guy gets emotionally invested too soon. Also... Never state your intentions on the first date... It looks desperate. Not saying you are but that is how we percieve it. The fact that she asked you what your intentions are... she was trying to gauge how much you liked her so that she could let you down easily.

 

Sorry guy... I'd say move on. We all go on bad dates. I've had a few of them with men. And I've learned from them. But one thing is for sure.... A girl/woman worth your time would have not invited someone else on the date and was texting other people on the date. That is plain rude!!!! Unless of course she thought of the outing as a casual friendship thing. Which I find unlikely since she was asking you about your intentions and stuff like that! She's a novice dater... and probably doesn't know what she wants at this point since she is straight out of a relationship. It's not you it's HER... Kick her to the curb!!!

[NINEBREAKER]

dont worry man there plenty of fish in the sea. however her calling her guy freind was a bull move. anyways the asing for her to hang out more is probobly where it ended. she probobly enjoyed herself but was ready to go home and didnt want to seem rude when you made the offer to hang more

[UCLAMike]

so basically to end it on cool terms i offered her friendship out of courtesy.

 

She came to church with me the next day with her sister and her bf. wtf???? i didnt expect her to come but she came. I treated her well, greeted her and showed her around. I also gave her copy of that day's sermon and welcome package. but I did not go have lunch with her because I didnt want to get any closer to her.

 

So I kept it all polite and impersonal as I can. Then I texted her that night asking how she liked the church and hope her sister finds a good one. I asked if she has any prayer request because I saw her crying at the end of the sermon. She said she does but wants to talk in person. I told her lets just talk on the phone or AIM, but she says she wants to talk in person. Ughhh.

 

So I think she wants to meet this saturday so I can listen to her life problems or whatever. What the heck is this girl doing? I am going to try to offer her friendship but with limitations to just phone calls. I won't let her get away with disrespecting me that way. I'll pray for her and listen to her but I don't think it's necessary that I meet up with her. Her intentions are clear, she just wants to be friends. That's fine but Im not going out of my way to be friends with someone I just met. What is she doing?

[samspade]

She responded saying that she is just looking for a good time and a good company. Here's the punchline, after she said this, she also said "BUT I think you are very talented and a really really great guy." I think this is an excuse. I think it's her way of saying I'm not that into you.

 

You are absolutely correct. Don't take it personally or anything. It's bollocks that she's only looking for "good company"; you think if George Clooney walked up to her and asked her out she'd say that to him? Your subconscious is trying to tell your ego something, which is, as you said, she's not that into you. Move on.

 

So I think she wants to meet this saturday so I can listen to her life problems or whatever. What the heck is this girl doing? I am going to try to offer her friendship but with limitations to just phone calls. I won't let her get away with disrespecting me that way. I'll pray for her and listen to her but I don't think it's necessary that I meet up with her. Her intentions are clear, she just wants to be friends. That's fine but Im not going out of my way to be friends with someone I just met. What is she doing?

 

Why don't you just tell her thanks but you're not interested in friendship (unless that is what you want)?

 

Look at it this way - she doesn't want to be romantically involved with you, so she has no problem being platonic and having another guy friend/hanger-on. To her, there is nothing disrespectful about it. To you, there is, as you take umbrage being offered the consolation prize of being her girlfriend-with-testicles. But this will only happen if YOU allow it to, and you will only be allowing it to happen if a) you truly want to be just friends with her, or b) you are hoping that by at least hanging out with her you'll get another shot in the romance area.

 

In any case, you shouldn't be blaming it on her when it is up to you whether or not you want to be her platonic friend. Be a man, own your sexuality, and either reject her friendship or accept it, but write her off as a potential GF or mate and look elsewhere. If she is truly looking for someone to confide in, she will resent you if you're more interested in sleeping with her than helping her. My advice is let her talk to her girl friends about her life's problems, and quite AIMing, texting, and calling her.

[UCLAMike]

i already deleted her # and aim. i wont be contacting her from my end. also i'll just tell her ill pray for her but would rather not meet on a 1 on 1 setting.

[openbook08]

it sounds to me that shes just trying to move on too quickly and maybe the date made her realise that. unfortunately at your expense. you sound like a great guy so im sorry this happened. she may not be into you but at the moment i think she may not be into anybody!

[Stockalone]

so basically to end it on cool terms i offered her friendship out of courtesy.

 

It was pretty obvious that she sees you as a friend and not more.

 

Offering her your friendship sent the wrong message. Even more so since you didn't even mean it. You shouldn't have done that.

 

Quite frankly, you can't really blame her for taking you up on that offer. That is your own doing and you should own that mistake.

 

 

She came to church with me the next day with her sister and her bf. wtf???? i didnt expect her to come but she came. I treated her well, greeted her and showed her around. I also gave her copy of that day's sermon and welcome package. but I did not go have lunch with her because I didnt want to get any closer to her.

 

So I kept it all polite and impersonal as I can. Then I texted her that night asking how she liked the church and hope her sister finds a good one. I asked if she has any prayer request because I saw her crying at the end of the sermon. She said she does but wants to talk in person. I told her lets just talk on the phone or AIM, but she says she wants to talk in person. Ughhh.

 

Why avoid her at lunch and keep it as impersonal as possible only to text her the very same night?

 

Either be her friend or don't. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself when you want a relationship and she wants friendship.

 

The problem is, you didn't distance yourself. You offered her your friendship, even though you didn't mean it and you kept texting her. Did you also invite her to church?

 

 

So I think she wants to meet this saturday so I can listen to her life problems or whatever. What the heck is this girl doing? I am going to try to offer her friendship but with limitations to just phone calls. I won't let her get away with disrespecting me that way. I'll pray for her and listen to her but I don't think it's necessary that I meet up with her. Her intentions are clear, she just wants to be friends. That's fine but Im not going out of my way to be friends with someone I just met. What is she doing?

 

i already deleted her # and aim. i wont be contacting her from my end. also i'll just tell her ill pray for her but would rather not meet on a 1 on 1 setting.

 

Granted, she was very thoughtless and rude on your "date" (did she view it as a date?).

 

But there is really no reason for you to be rude in this situation. Personally, I think you owe her that one-on-one meeting. You don't have to become her friend if you don't feel like it, and you certainly don't have to become her emotional garbage can.

 

Why not use that opportunity to just be honest with her in a polite way and make her understand that?

 

Meet up with her and tell her that you can't be her friend when you wanted a relationship. You can even tell her in a calm manner how you felt disrespected by her behaviour on your date. If you don't want to talk to her again, be honest about that too and answer her questions if she has any as to why you want no further contact.

 

Or, if you see the potential for an eventual friendship that both of you will benefit from, then explain to her what your boundaries are and that she has to accept and respect those boundaries if she wants to remain in contact with you.

[UCLAMike]

yes, it was a date. she said it herself. i drove 30 mins to pick her up. i mean she asked me to play music and sing for her. it was a date.

 

im not gonna contact her. i deleted her # and i didnt memorize it. she can contact me if she wants.

[mr.dream merchant]

Lmao. Damn, she would've walked her ass home after your last date.

[UCLAMike]

Lmao. Damn, she would've walked her ass home after your last date.

 

if it was me a year ago, i'd still pine after her. now that i am different and much stronger, i wont take that kind of treatment ever again. i have the right to feel disrespected and insulted. she's off my chart now. there is no way in hell im meeting her this weekend.

[mr.dream merchant]

if it was me a year ago, i'd still pine after her. now that i am different and much stronger, i wont take that kind of treatment ever again. i have the right to feel disrespected and insulted. she's off my chart now. there is no way in hell im meeting her this weekend.

 

I wouldn't either. She sounds like a waste of time, money, and effort.

[Lucky_One]

I think that you are putting an awful lot of pressure on a first date, especially with a girl who just left a 3 year relationship a month ago.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said things changed at the bar. If you LOOKED like you were drunk (even if you weren't legally intox.), she very well may have gotten alarmed. So she did the prudent thing, and called a friend for a back-up ride rather than let you drive her for 30 minutes, and did the call fairly discretely (meaning, she didn't say "Dude, I got another ride bc you look too wasted to drive me home").

 

Both of you sound pretty compatible in terms of desire for a future long-term relationship as well as strong ties to the church. If she had no desire to see you again, then she wouldn't have shown up at church, especially with her sister and her BF. It almost sounds as though she wanted a guy's opinion on you and the drinking, as well as a girl's opinion on you.

 

Seems to me that you are awfully quick to drop someone that you seemed as though you really liked. Whatever happened to dating with no expectations while you are getting to know each other? She didn't do anything horribly bad, with the way you describe the situation at the bar.

[UCLAMike]

I think that you are putting an awful lot of pressure on a first date, especially with a girl who just left a 3 year relationship a month ago.

 

I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said things changed at the bar. If you LOOKED like you were drunk (even if you weren't legally intox.), she very well may have gotten alarmed. So she did the prudent thing, and called a friend for a back-up ride rather than let you drive her for 30 minutes, and did the call fairly discretely (meaning, she didn't say "Dude, I got another ride bc you look too wasted to drive me home").

 

Both of you sound pretty compatible in terms of desire for a future long-term relationship as well as strong ties to the church. If she had no desire to see you again, then she wouldn't have shown up at church, especially with her sister and her BF. It almost sounds as though she wanted a guy's opinion on you and the drinking, as well as a girl's opinion on you.

 

Seems to me that you are awfully quick to drop someone that you seemed as though you really liked. Whatever happened to dating with no expectations while you are getting to know each other? She didn't do anything horribly bad, with the way you describe the situation at the bar.

 

Thanks for the advice. But she did say she isn't looking for a guy, only a good company to give her a good time. She's basically just looking for a friend. I think it's over. She still talks to me and ims me. I don't ever contact her first. But when we do talk it is completely light, cracking jokes, and really platonic. I'm not gonna be mean to her or be a dick to her, but I'm just gonna let it slowly fade out. I'm not giving her anymore signals nor hints. I won't ask her to meet up with me again or anything like that. I'll just be kind and short with conversations. Even last night when she imed, we had a small talk but I ended the convo and signed off after about 30 mins. I'll just give her the space and time to figure out whatever, but I'm not going to initiate anything anymore.

[UCLAMike]

OMG this girl just imed me. She just invited me to some co-worker's church event. I asked who else is coming and I guess it's just me and her.

 

It seems like she is really taking the friendship thing seriously. After all, it is a church event and not really a date. I don't wanna give anymore mixed signals.

 

I first said yes i'll think about it, but later I told her that I realized the venue is really far away (1hr) and I might not make it back in time for the movies later on at night. This is a good way to gradually distance myself and bam it's like we never knew each other.

[Lucky_One]

Why can't a church event be a date?? If a girl asks you to something, then treat it as a friendly date.

 

I am guessing that you really don't like her too much, otherwise you would want to go to the church event with her. She JUST got out of a relationship, and her moving slowly is WAY smarter for both of you than if she jumped right into bed with you. She obviously likes you, so if you don't like her at all, then just tell her that you don't feel any chemistry and would like to stop the friendship.

[UCLAMike]

Why can't a church event be a date?? If a girl asks you to something, then treat it as a friendly date.

 

I am guessing that you really don't like her too much, otherwise you would want to go to the church event with her. She JUST got out of a relationship, and her moving slowly is WAY smarter for both of you than if she jumped right into bed with you. She obviously likes you, so if you don't like her at all, then just tell her that you don't feel any chemistry and would like to stop the friendship.

 

She obviously likes me yes because I was so kind and nice to her. It's not that I don't appreciate her invitation. What bothers me is that this is completely platonic. I just remembered on our first date, we had not even began drinking when her guy friend showed up so it had nothing to do with me being drunk. I am pretty sure that if I followed this path knowing I like her and she likes me only as a friend, Im in for a letdown. I recently healed from a really bad heart breaking breakup and although this is really nothing and just a date, I feel I might get extra sensitive. Im just trying to look out for myself.

[Lucky_One]

If you are just coming off a heart-breaking end of a relationship, then maybe it IS best that you take a hiatus from dating. I am sure that you confused this girl by telling her how you like everything about her and being so sure of your intentions at your first date to now withdrawing because you are still having some issues from your last GF.

 

Good luck!