Spark1111 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I am a BS trying to successfully reconcile with my spouse and many of you have read my story and provided me with invaluable advice. A friend of mine, who does not know my situation, told her husband she was miserable in her marriage, wanted to separate and started dating a married man who was also separated from his wife. Well guess what? Whatever the parameters of the separation for her MM and his wife, it DID NOT include seeing/sleeping with other people. (Big shocker, I know). When my friend and this separated MM's relationship was exposed to his wife, she went crazy. We can all relate. She has filed for divorce, the MM has broken up with my friend, claims to be suffering from depression, and is seeing a therapist. My friend is devastated. The wife has contacted her twice. When this first began to unfold, I thought "dear God, why now? I do not need this and all the triggers it causes" in my already painful life of healing from my husband's affair. I discussed it in therapy. However, in hindsight, being the confidante who always counselled honesty, this has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Here's why: Both parties are in a fog. The MM is enjoying the ego-gratification of a new woman who thinks he is wonderful, and is willing to accept his crumbs of time and attention when it suits him! My friend, in a sad and lonely time in her life, loves the attention, any attention from a new man, and the diversion he provides her in her sad and lonely life. They called it love, but being an objective observer to this "affair" nothing could be further from the truth. I felt like I was around dating teenagers in high school. It was somewhat....pathetic. He claimed his wife was a bitchy, unfeeling woman who drank too much. She is a smart, educated, soft-spoken professional who is now mad as hell! When she confronted my friend, the OW, she wanted her to know three things: The had sex once a week (my friend refused to believe this!); the wife had intercepted the cell phone bills, and wanted her to know she wasn't the only woman he was calling on a daily basis (my friend justified this to me by saying, Of course not, he has many female friends!) and how dare he keep it all secret, thereby denying the wife the opportunity to explore other relationships because she kept hoping for reconciliation with her husband. My friend cries that she wants to remain "just friends" with him. The break-up angered and devastated her, yet she wrote him this beautiful "I'll always be there for you and wish you only the best" email. When I asked her why, this is not how you feel, she said, " I want to get him back." And when I asked her why again, and here's the clincher, she replied: "Because I miss the talking, the dinners, the trips, the attention, the fun." I did not hear one word about the man, himself. She will miss the diversions he provided, the newness, the excitement. It is so much easier to have others provide for us what we must each ultimately give ourselves: self-esteem, happiness, feelings of self-worth. And ultimately, this proved to be a hurtful but healing experience for me. It is a fantasy for both cheaters who are enacting some drama to have some unmet needs met: attention, flattery, validation, a diversion from loneliness. Any willing partner would do. The sex is not great, but waiting for the next forbidden tryst is. The denial to hearing and believing the truth is HUGE. The truth is the affair has nothing to do with love, or choice or maturity, or reality.....or me...or you. I hope this helps other BSs out there. It helped me. Let me know your thoughts.
Sparta8 Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Attention, flattery, validation are the goals for most people who have affairs. What they achieve is a different story.
tami-chan Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Sparta8, did you divorce your wife? or are you divorcing your wife?
HappyAgain Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 This story is so true as it happened with my too. The newness, the flattery, the attention is what kept him with the OW. And the same for her. Both went on and on about how they were abused and ignored in their marriages yet neither ever thought about the BS. I say good riddance to them as in time the newness will wear out, they will realize that there really was no love involved and will be stuck with each other!
bentnotbroken Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 I agree with some of that. It seems that they need that outside validation. But when the fog wears off, they are dealing with the same crappy people that the BS was dealing with.
Sparta8 Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Tami-chan - No, I did not divorce my wife, and do not plan to. In fact, we are planning a trip abroad soon to celebrate our wedding anniversary, and are doing extremely well. My original post bared my soul too much, even for an anonymous board, and I was unable to delete it. So I quickly wrote the replacement post. The obsession I wrote about with my first post here is subsiding some. Although this week marks the first anniversary of both the beginning of her second affair and the DDays for both affairs, I am not obsessing about it nearly as much as I thought I would be, so far.
Author Spark1111 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Posted April 6, 2009 Good Luck to you Sparta! I too obssess less than I did, and for the first time feel better about myself and about the relationship as a whole. I also feel less sadness too. Being able to be a casual observer of someone's else's situation gave me invaluable insight into the beginning, middle and end of one of these affairs, and I now realize better than ever that it had nothing truly to do with me or the state of our marriage. Could it have been better? Of course it could have. But once the WS makes a decision to turn to someone else instead of doing the hard work necessary and examine their own internal feelings, well, what can you do about that? Really, nothing. And that has been empowering for me.
tami-chan Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Tami-chan - No, I did not divorce my wife, and do not plan to. In fact, we are planning a trip abroad soon to celebrate our wedding anniversary, and are doing extremely well. My original post bared my soul too much, even for an anonymous board, and I was unable to delete it. So I quickly wrote the replacement post. The obsession I wrote about with my first post here is subsiding some. Although this week marks the first anniversary of both the beginning of her second affair and the DDays for both affairs, I am not obsessing about it nearly as much as I thought I would be, so far. Wow, 2 affairs...and coming out of the mess ok. Good wishes to you!
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