Author redslippers Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 End it at the begining of spring. If you end it now, she may not do well in school, and that is criticcal for her future, no matter what happens with you two. If she has self esteem issues, she is definitely going to need her family to get her through it. I agree. This is most likely the approach i will be taking. Ive also though alot about how to start the conversation and lurking around similar forums to this have given me a general idea about what to say and how to say it and i feel more confident now. Not only in what to do, but why i am doing it and that it needs to be done. Im gonna have a talk with an older friend of mine as well that ended a 12 year marriage of similar reasons to mine a few years ago. Hes now remarried to someone completely different and he is so happy he makes everyone else sound miserable. His ex-wife is also doing fine and they have a good relationship (in addition to having kids together). Since he made a similar decision to mine even with marriage and kids in the way, he oughta have some wise words for me
Author redslippers Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I don't think that is a fair assessment in this case. He is young, and has tried to make her happy, and she just isn't. He can't give up his happiness for her. Sometimes love just can't cure the ills in a relationship. Although it will be really difficult, at least they have no other ties such as kids, house,those sort of thengs. Sorry I hadn't read the counseling posts when I wrote my last one. The more I read about it, the more I think you are just in the end, not a good match. If it was just the moving thing, you may , may be able to work around that, but it is just everything. And in the end in order to get over you, she may have to hate you for a bit, and you may not be able to really help her that much. Do you have common friends you could check in with to see how she is doing once you break up? ALL our friends are common friends. This might be a problem of course, but as long as i am honest and break up with her properly, hopefully only our female friends will hate me for it, so ill just ask the male ones =p I intend to be there for her if she wishes it. I know i wish for it. It might complicate things more, but id like her to know that if she feels alone and unsecure ill be there to support her. Ill even sleep on her couch if she needs me to. I know this is stupid, but i know myself well enaugh to say that i wont be able to say no if she needs me.
sfsassy Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 ALL our friends are common friends. This might be a problem of course, but as long as i am honest and break up with her properly, hopefully only our female friends will hate me for it, so ill just ask the male ones =p I intend to be there for her if she wishes it. I know i wish for it. It might complicate things more, but id like her to know that if she feels alone and unsecure ill be there to support her. Ill even sleep on her couch if she needs me to. I know this is stupid, but i know myself well enaugh to say that i wont be able to say no if she needs me. It sounds like you really love and care for her, just can't see you with her anymore in a romantic way. Which is the suckiest type of breakup for the dumper in my opinion. I was you. (accept a girl, lol.) about 6 years ago, and it so wasn't fun. And he also had/has major self esteem issue, and thought I didn't care, etc, etc. We are friends now though, because in the end we really do care for each other. I see what you are saying about wanting to be there for her, and emotionaally I think that is critical. However, I would maybe not sleep on the couch or something like that. It is called a breakup for a reason, and if you sleep on the couch it may send the wrong message, that you can be persuaded to stay. I don't know how close you are to her parents, but since she is obviously maybe in your opinion too close to them, maybe right after the talk you would want to call them, to give them a heads up, so they can be there for her. It would depend on whether they would just scream at you for breaking up with their little girl, or if they would just use the news to help her out. Actually the wiser idea might be to heavily encourage her to reach out to bo other friends and familly. While still mantaining that emotionally you will always be there for her if she wants/needs you. Good luck.
sfsassy Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I agree. This is most likely the approach i will be taking. Ive also though alot about how to start the conversation and lurking around similar forums to this have given me a general idea about what to say and how to say it and i feel more confident now. Not only in what to do, but why i am doing it and that it needs to be done. Im gonna have a talk with an older friend of mine as well that ended a 12 year marriage of similar reasons to mine a few years ago. Hes now remarried to someone completely different and he is so happy he makes everyone else sound miserable. His ex-wife is also doing fine and they have a good relationship (in addition to having kids together). Since he made a similar decision to mine even with marriage and kids in the way, he oughta have some wise words for me You seem to have your head on right. Sounds good about talking to your friend too. Just remember that results may very since the ex wife is a different person than your g/f and you are different than your friend. To have that as he best possible solution is great, but each situation is different. Also in your breakup discussion with your g/f don't bring him up. She may not want to be bestest friends with you right away, and if she does, it may mean she hopes you will reconsider, and will consider a friendship as a gateway to a reconcilliation at some point. (I was this girl four years ago, so I know of what I speak, lol.) Be there for her definitely, but not overly friendly, and NO, NO, NO flirting. And be a bit worried if she isn't at least a littled pissed off. Because if she isn't, than that may mean she idealizes you, which never works.
Author redslippers Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 I don't know how close you are to her parents, but since she is obviously maybe in your opinion too close to them, maybe right after the talk you would want to call them, to give them a heads up, so they can be there for her. It would depend on whether they would just scream at you for breaking up with their little girl, or if they would just use the news to help her out. Actually the wiser idea might be to heavily encourage her to reach out to bo other friends and familly. While still mantaining that emotionally you will always be there for her if she wants/needs you. Good luck. Her father treats her as a baby. He even talks baby-talk with her. He also has a tendency to follow his own logic and believe he is right no matter what it is, cause he is old and wise. He is a good guy but he really gets on my nerves sometimes. I am positive that at least half of her attachment complex is because of that guy. Calling him and telling him ive broken up with his little girl would be suicide tbh. But they know their child well and they will notice when something is up. Im confident on that. And even though her father kind of makes his own rules about how life works and thus may hate me immensely, her mother is smart and will tell her exactly what she needs to hear and understand both of our situations. Im sure of that. Thats probobly the thing that is most assuring to me. She will not be alone when i leave. She has supporting parents and very good friends. I just hope she will be ready to live on her own when summer ends.
Author redslippers Posted April 5, 2009 Author Posted April 5, 2009 Just remember that results may very since the ex wife is a different person than your g/f and you are different than your friend. To have that as he best possible solution is great, but each situation is different. Also in your breakup discussion with your g/f don't bring him up. I know. I just think that his experiences will benefit me when i decide to have the big talk. I am also aware that she might hate me, make all her friends hate me and possibly never talk to me again, but if thats the only way she can get over me then thats how it has to be. (Im a little worried though. Last time on of her friends got dumped, that same gang of girls basically made sure her ex would never get a new girlfriend in the same city again. Girls can be scary Not that im gonna get into a new relationship before my big move anyways)
sfsassy Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Forgot this, but if you know you are going to breakup with your g/f, then quit flirting and trying to get physically close to her at this point. I know it isn't going well in that area anyway, but just don't. If she asks if she looks fat in a dress or whatever though, always, always tell her she is beautiful, gorgeous though.
sfsassy Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 I know. I just think that his experiences will benefit me when i decide to have the big talk. I am also aware that she might hate me, make all her friends hate me and possibly never talk to me again, but if thats the only way she can get over me then thats how it has to be. (Im a little worried though. Last time on of her friends got dumped, that same gang of girls basically made sure her ex would never get a new girlfriend in the same city again. Girls can be scary Not that im gonna get into a new relationship before my big move anyways) That is harsh, lol, but good for her in a way. After the last ex broke up with me over the telephone, while I was still celebrating x-mas, (with no warning, and not wanting to diiscuss it at all!) it might have been nice to have g/fs do that for me, lol. What may happen, is she may hate you for a bit. (and I think that is healthy.) and then as she moves on, hopefully she will forgive you.
sfsassy Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Her father treats her as a baby. He even talks baby-talk with her. He also has a tendency to follow his own logic and believe he is right no matter what it is, cause he is old and wise. He is a good guy but he really gets on my nerves sometimes. I am positive that at least half of her attachment complex is because of that guy. Calling him and telling him ive broken up with his little girl would be suicide tbh. But they know their child well and they will notice when something is up. Im confident on that. And even though her father kind of makes his own rules about how life works and thus may hate me immensely, her mother is smart and will tell her exactly what she needs to hear and understand both of our situations. Im sure of that. Thats probobly the thing that is most assuring to me. She will not be alone when i leave. She has supporting parents and very good friends. I just hope she will be ready to live on her own when summer ends. My mom is like her mom, and though my last ex was dispiceable in his breakup, she did see where he would have issues with me. (Though she HATED his method and thought he had issues too, but you won't have that issue..) She did hate the guy, but mainly because he had NO class in the breakup, and once I told her some other stuff that had happened in the relationship, thought he had been mean to me. About her living on her own, she is a grown up, she can figure that out on her own.
sparklemama Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 If you know for a fact that you are not happy and want to end this do it now do not wait 2 yrs where her feelings will be more involved and it will devastate her even more.You can help her get the help that she needs and be a friend that she can call on once in a while so that you can soften the blow and make the transition for her a little easier but you can not fake a relationship as you will not be happy and in the end you will be doing her more damage than good.
stace79 Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 IMO sticking with her or even suggesting counseling is leading her on. I think you should try talking to one of her friends, her parents if you feel comfortable, or seek a counselor at your school individually to talk this through. If you fear she might have a serious breakdown you should alert someone else who can try to help her. I think the best thing you can do is do it quickly and then get the heck out of dodge. It's great that you say you care for her well being, but I don't think you being around as a boyfriend or even just a friend is going to do anything but drag her through more misery. I think she will believe your "friendship" is a sign of hope for the future, and it sounds to me you have no desire to continue a romantic relationship with her. Further, even though you care a lot about her as a friend or whatever, her emotional problems are not your problems, unless you want to stick around and MAKE them your problem. She will have to learn to rely on family, friends and hopefully a therapist.
RecordProducer Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 You're not her baby-sitter. You're not responsible for her problems. You're too young yourself. If you don't leave her now, she will never learn how to be independent. No, you're not a jerk for wanting to leave her and you absolutely shouldn't wait two years. Leave right after her next exam period. You can still be there for her as a friend. But you don't have to baby-sit her as if she is eight years old. You don't have to solve her problems - problems that were there long before you entered her life, and may as well last forever. The weight and sex issues are irrelevant. Her low self-esteem is basically what makes you feel bad about leaving. If she is so concerned about her weight, why doesn't she lose it? By the way, can she go to college near her parents? I am sure she will make it on her own and become stronger if you let her "swim" without you holding her. On the contrary, you're not helping her by protecting her to an unhealthy extent. You're only helping her stay in the box and never get out of it, because she is afraid. If she always lives like an emotional parasite, she'll never learn how to survive. After all, if she can't even graduate from school because she can't face everyday reality of being alone at home, then how can she ever become anything? Many people have started off with much more potential than they've used and shown. And vice versa. This doesn't mean that we should play gods and fix them. If she has the intellectual potential to succeed, but lacks confidence and mental stamina, then her potential isn't as vast as you think. Success is often determined by the weakest ring in the chain. Finally, you're too young to sacrifice your own happiness to help a woman who struggles with emotional issues. Help her as much as you can, be her friend, love her - but leave, if that's what you want. She is not your wife, she is not physically ill, you don't have children with her, and she is not going to be in the street or hungry. She can get a room mate or find another boyfriend.
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