How to break up with someone that desperatly needs me

[redslippers]

Hi. Im a 22 year old guy thats been in a relationship with a girl the same age for 4 years, living together for 1. Sadly, i feel that our relationship has gone as far as it possibly can and that if i dont end it now, i will be living together with a friend for the rest of my life.

 

When we fist got together, we were like rabbits. Having sex all the time and making out whenever we couldnt have sex. We also loved eachother very much, so it was far from a "only sexual" relationship. After the first six months, we were having drastically less sex and rarely making out even. And since then its gotten less and less frequent. Now, we never make out, we havnt had sex in 8 months and it feels like we arent even a couple anymore.

 

That being said, i still love her to death and would do anything for her, but i feel that our relationship is just...over. Is it wrong of me to want more than just her love? I mean, i know that every relationship more or less hits this stage at a certain time and thats just a part of growing up. But i really dont think that as a 22 year old, my romantic and sexual life should be over.

 

Why arent we having sex then? Because her self esteem is ****. Why? Because shes been gaining weight ever since we got together. She feels that she is fat and ugly no matter what i say to her. Ive NEVER called her fat in any way and ive always told her i think she is beutiful. I mean it too, but when a girl hates how she looks so much that she starts to cry if i see her naked, it really puts me off from trying to iniciate sex too.. I feel like im hurting her by wanting to have sex, so i eventually stopped trying. Of course she also took this as a sign that she really is fat and ugly. I know that there is probobly something i could and should have done to stop this, but i feel like ive tried everything and im at my wits end. I also think that breaking up with her might crush her self esteem forever.

 

But here comes the hardest part. She used to have a father complex. She couldnt sleep without knowing he was near until she became 20. Now shes got a boyfriendcomplex instead. We live about an hour away from her hometown. If im away overnight for some reason, she goes home to her parents. If they are not home, she freaks out and it has several times ended up with me having to come home from where i was. (vacation, concert, etc) I feel that if i leave her now, she is going to quit school and go back to her parents, becoming nothing near what she could have become if she staid in school.

 

So what should i do? Should i stay in this relationship until she finishes school (2 more years) and then let her go? Should i think of myself and let her go now, risking that she might break down, quit school and end up behind a counter at wallmart?

 

If i end up breaking up with her, when and how is the best time so i dont crush her completely? Beginning of spring break when she has the oppurtunity to be with her parents? Now, right before exams, because shes gonna have other stuff on her mind. (but maybe she will just think about me and fail all her exams) Am i maybe not putting enaugh faith in her? Do you think im wrong and that she'll be just fine? Do you think im putting myself on a pedestal on her behalf?

 

Im really so confused. I really care about her and wish her all the best, but i feel like ive been looking at life passing me by for a long time now. Please help!

[carhill]

Attachment disorder. She probably needs psychological help.

 

As much as you might otherwise love her, it can become a toxic situation. If she won't get help, you'll have to leave to save your sanity.

 

Maybe others will have different ideas. I've seen this. She likely had childhood trauma. Sorry....

[Aerorobyn]

This is one thing I absolutely hate. Men claiming to be "so in love" with a woman, wanting to be with her, do everything for her, etc...yet when it comes down to her having a problem of some sort, you just up and leave. Don't even bother to help her out like a loving boyfriend/fiance/husband would do. Why does breaking up have to be the only solution? If you love the girl, why not explain to her what you're feeling, and see if she's willing to go see a counselor of some sort. And then after that, maybe yall can go together to see a sex therapist or whatever.

 

The only thing you're doing differently than my ex is...you're trying to think of what's best for this girl. You want to see her get through school and succeed. My ex was a total ass and broke up with me right before I had FOUR major exams coming up! I've come to the conclusion that he wanted to see me fail them, flunk out of school, and work at Jack In The Box for the rest of my life. Jerk. Guess what though? It didn't happen--I thought about leaving the school and stuff, but nah...I just managed to increase every single one of my grades on those four tests.

 

But seriously. I don't think you know the meaning of true love. Sorry. True love doesn't up and leave at the start of a problem--they help the other. If you're gonna end things with her, do it now. Let her make her own decisions about school and stuff...but don't lead her on for another two years, pretending you love her, want to be with her, want to have a future with her, etc.

[carhill]

Loving someone with psychological issues can suck the life and hope out of one. It's the nature of the beast.

 

I'll tell you what clued me in:

But here comes the hardest part. She used to have a father complex. She couldnt sleep without knowing he was near until she became 20. Now shes got a boyfriendcomplex instead. We live about an hour away from her hometown. If im away overnight for some reason, she goes home to her parents. If they are not home, she freaks out and it has several times ended up with me having to come home from where i was. (vacation, concert, etc) I feel that if i leave her now, she is going to quit school and go back to her parents, becoming nothing near what she could have become if she staid in school.

 

This is indicative of a serious issue, likely stemming from childhood, as the OP and his GF are quite young. She can't be alone and likely has a literally pathological fear of it.

 

IMO, I would encourage the young lady to seek help (and would gladly join her if appropriate) and make my decision to stay or go based on my perception of the health and compatibility of the relationship, should she so choose to seek help.

 

The OP doesn't owe her anything. Heck, my wife abandoned me emotionally and I don't think she "owed" me. We each do what is our own best interest. Sometimes that hurts others. Sometimes hurt is necessary.

[redslippers]

This is one thing I absolutely hate. Men claiming to be "so in love" with a woman, wanting to be with her, do everything for her, etc...yet when it comes down to her having a problem of some sort, you just up and leave.

 

Im not wanting to leave because of this problem. Im hesitating to leave because of it. We've lived with this problem for our entire relationship and quite frankly i havent even considered it a problem since i put her interestest in front of my own. However, i dont want to do that anymore. I want to think of myself and my future. But because of this problem, im hesitating. The love i have for her is still there, but the romantic feelings attached has slowly gone away over the last year or so.

 

I have suggested a therapist, but she says its just a matter of her growing up and stop being such a baby. i think it lies deeper than that, but she doesnt want to hear it im afraid.

 

Reading about your experience with your boyfriend im confident that breaking it off is the right thing to do, but wait until after her exams at least. I dont know if shes as strong as you and is able to do what you did. I agree that leading her on is a horrible thing to do and it would probobly benefit my concience more than it would do her good.

 

I need to make clear to you all that i have lost hope in us being girlfriend and boyfriend. When i say i love her, i mean i love her as a friend and the romantic feelings are long gone. I just want to let her go in the best possible way for her. I also want to continue to be her friend, although i know this is unlikely to happend.

 

And about true love. How can i possibly know if what we had is true love? I know that i loved her like i havnt loved anyone before, but then again im just 22 years old and have only had 2 relationships my entire life. So no, i probobly have no idea if this was/is true love or not.

 

Thanks for all your help so far!

[Thomas X Forever]

Attachment disorder = Dependent personality disorder carhill? Or are you referring to something seperate? Either way, google DPD topic creator.

 

The right answer is to go to and see a couples therapist with her. If it ends up getting nowhere, then break up. Because believe me, if you're at all like me, then you want to break up now, but when it's too late, you'd give up everything you've ever had for a second chance. Go see a therapist while you still are with her.

 

If she refuses a couple therapist then consider breaking up.

[headlesschicken]

she doesn't desperately need YOU, she desperately needs SOMEONE.

 

even if you stick around, her issues will not be solved, and you will not be in a loving relationship but a needy one.

[Thomas X Forever]

Now wait headless we don't know that for sure. He has to see a licensed therapist / psychologist with her to determine that. Go see one, so at the very least you can say you tried.

[carhill]

The GF appears to have difficulty forming healthy attachments, as indicated by her hypersexuality early-on, in marked contrast to later, and an increasing dependence on the presence of her BF. There is a lack of healthy balance.

 

I've seen this from the inside with someone I love. Not pretty and, absent the ability to detach from the dynamic, I would've been destroyed emotionally years ago. It's not something I would recommend to a young person.

[redslippers]

The thing is, i dont believe theres anything more in store for us. I feel like i cant have a functioning relationship with her anymore. We have simply been in this rut for so long that i just want to get out and live my own life for myself. I just want to do it in a way thats not gonna destroy her.

 

In one year ill be done with my bachelor, but i dont have any job oppurtunities here. Therefore, if i want to pursue a career within my chosen subject i need to magically get a job at the ONLY company in my country that does this (thats still a long way from where we live now) or move to another country. I really want to try and work in Canada, moving there by myself and just gaining life experience in the process.

 

So im not looking to revive the relationship or getting a new one for that matter. I just need to concentrate on myself for a while. I think thats the best for both of us in the long run.

[carhill]

Your university likely offers counseling. Offer to go with her.

 

I commend you for not just walking away. A lot of young men in your position would do just that, and not think twice. That shows maturity.

[Thomas X Forever]

Ah ok. So you want to 100% end it.

 

Well then let's see.

 

You have to figure out the easiest way to let someone down.

 

Although I'd still recommend seeing a couples therapist with her at least once so you can ask the licensed professional what their opinion is regarding what would happen if you broke up with her, as well as the best mode of action to take on it all.

[redslippers]

If we go to counselling then and we stick it out, whats gonna happen when i move away in a year? I know she doesnt want to come with me. She told me if i move that far, ill move alone. And i cant take a long distance relationship. We had that our third year together while i was in the army and it really took alot out of both of us. I though that it would help bring us closer when i got back, but we just continued where we left off.

 

Im thinking that if we get over this hurdle then its just gonna be that much harder to say goodbye when the time comes for me to move. Maybe so much that ill give up my career to stay with her.

 

In any case, how do you break up with someone in this situation? Any imagined scenario i try in my head just ends horribly.

[carhill]

Firstly, you take proactive steps. Sure, it would be convenient to continue to live together until you graduate. You have to step outside your comfort zone. "I'm going to move out". Figure out how to make that work. You can discuss such things in counseling. There's a process to it. You have to start somewhere, right?

[redslippers]

But if we go to counseling, wont that kind of tip her off that im breaking up with her? I think telling her that i want to go to counselling would shock her just as much as me saying i want to move out.

 

Or did you mean i should go to counselling by myself for advice?

[carhill]

Counseling is a process. For us, MC began as a process to better understand our relationship and improve it and became, over time, a process to accept our incompatibilities and decide, in a calm fashion, whether continuing the relationship was healthy or not and how to effect that decision.

 

Remember, counseling is a process of growth, not a solution

[Tryng2Trust08]

You are right...if you just up and break up with her, this is going to hurt her very badly. You love her as a friend, so ask her if she will go to therapy and you will go with her. She has to know she has an issue, and it seems she does. But it doesn't make her a bad person.

It hurts to have someone turn their back on you, please just be there for her and ask her to get some help.

[smile_through_tears]

sorry, it does sound like she's been hard to deal with.. i wish you would stick around and help her through this.. i guess you really just want to leave... it bothers me reading posts from dumpers because it shows me how bad they want out of a relationship..

[redslippers]

She hasnt really been hard to deal with. Really. Im just worried it will be hard for her to be alone. And i definetly dont see her as a bad person. Quite the opposite. I want to be there for her and help her trough it if possible too.

 

And part of the reason im hesistant about the counseling thing is that she is a smart girl and shes gonna know its not gonna end well. She once watched her brother suffer trough weeks of a "break" with his girlfriend and she told me that if im ever gonna break up with her, i should just do it. Dont leave her hanging.

 

I think she is noticing me behaving differently too. Im not trying to shut her out, but all this thinking and worrying about this is bound to show... but maybe thats not a bad thing. Maybe it will be easier if she sees it coming. I dont know. Argh

 

Sorry that i come off as such an eager dumper, but my life these past years have been all about her. I want to live my life for myself now.

[carhill]

Sorry that i come off as such an eager dumper, but my life these past years have been all about her. I want to live my life for myself now

 

I know exactly how you feel

 

When the love bank is completely withdrawn, something has to give.

[smile_through_tears]

I mean this whole thing about you two not being able to have sex and a romantic relationship has ovioulsy gotten to you. That's what I meant when I said she has been difficult to deal with, not that she's a bad person.

[redslippers]

I mean this whole thing about you two not being able to have sex and a romantic relationship has ovioulsy gotten to you. That's what I meant when I said she has been difficult to deal with, not that she's a bad person.

 

Ah my mistake. That is true, its been very difficult at times.

[sfsassy]

Hi. Im a 22 year old guy thats been in a relationship with a girl the same age for 4 years, living together for 1. Sadly, i feel that our relationship has gone as far as it possibly can and that if i dont end it now, i will be living together with a friend for the rest of my life.

 

When we fist got together, we were like rabbits. Having sex all the time and making out whenever we couldnt have sex. We also loved eachother very much, so it was far from a "only sexual" relationship. After the first six months, we were having drastically less sex and rarely making out even. And since then its gotten less and less frequent. Now, we never make out, we havnt had sex in 8 months and it feels like we arent even a couple anymore.

 

That being said, i still love her to death and would do anything for her, but i feel that our relationship is just...over. Is it wrong of me to want more than just her love? I mean, i know that every relationship more or less hits this stage at a certain time and thats just a part of growing up. But i really dont think that as a 22 year old, my romantic and sexual life should be over.

 

Why arent we having sex then? Because her self esteem is ****. Why? Because shes been gaining weight ever since we got together. She feels that she is fat and ugly no matter what i say to her. Ive NEVER called her fat in any way and ive always told her i think she is beutiful. I mean it too, but when a girl hates how she looks so much that she starts to cry if i see her naked, it really puts me off from trying to iniciate sex too.. I feel like im hurting her by wanting to have sex, so i eventually stopped trying. Of course she also took this as a sign that she really is fat and ugly. I know that there is probobly something i could and should have done to stop this, but i feel like ive tried everything and im at my wits end. I also think that breaking up with her might crush her self esteem forever.

 

But here comes the hardest part. She used to have a father complex. She couldnt sleep without knowing he was near until she became 20. Now shes got a boyfriendcomplex instead. We live about an hour away from her hometown. If im away overnight for some reason, she goes home to her parents. If they are not home, she freaks out and it has several times ended up with me having to come home from where i was. (vacation, concert, etc) I feel that if i leave her now, she is going to quit school and go back to her parents, becoming nothing near what she could have become if she staid in school.

 

So what should i do? Should i stay in this relationship until she finishes school (2 more years) and then let her go? Should i think of myself and let her go now, risking that she might break down, quit school and end up behind a counter at wallmart?

 

If i end up breaking up with her, when and how is the best time so i dont crush her completely? Beginning of spring break when she has the oppurtunity to be with her parents? Now, right before exams, because shes gonna have other stuff on her mind. (but maybe she will just think about me and fail all her exams) Am i maybe not putting enaugh faith in her? Do you think im wrong and that she'll be just fine? Do you think im putting myself on a pedestal on her behalf?

 

Im really so confused. I really care about her and wish her all the best, but i feel like ive been looking at life passing me by for a long time now. Please help!

 

End it at the begining of spring. If you end it now, she may not do well in school, and that is criticcal for her future, no matter what happens with you two. If she has self esteem issues, she is definitely going to need her family to get her through it.

 

Has she talked to a psychologist about her issues? Have you really sat down and talked about what is going wrong in your view? When/if you do break up with her, really emphhasize that you think she is beautiful and sexy, but that you feel her self esteem issues are getting in the way of having a fufilling relationship for both of you.

[sfsassy]

sorry, it does sound like she's been hard to deal with.. i wish you would stick around and help her through this.. i guess you really just want to leave... it bothers me reading posts from dumpers because it shows me how bad they want out of a relationship..

 

I don't think that is a fair assessment in this case. He is young, and has tried to make her happy, and she just isn't. He can't give up his happiness for her. Sometimes love just can't cure the ills in a relationship. Although it will be really difficult, at least they have no other ties such as kids, house,those sort of thengs.

 

Sorry I hadn't read the counseling posts when I wrote my last one. The more I read about it, the more I think you are just in the end, not a good match. If it was just the moving thing, you may , may be able to work around that, but it is just everything.

 

And in the end in order to get over you, she may have to hate you for a bit, and you may not be able to really help her that much. Do you have common friends you could check in with to see how she is doing once you break up?

[sfsassy]

I know exactly how you feel

 

When the love bank is completely withdrawn, something has to give.

 

ITA with you!! You can't stay forever with someone with so many issues without it really adversly affecting you.