Scare1979 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Opposite sex friends and text messaging My spouse and I are not seeing eye to eye on a few topics and would like everyone’s honest thoughts on the topics. Is it acceptable for married individuals to have opposite sex friends? Does it make a difference if the friendship has been around prior to the marriage? (for example, close friendships from high school) What about friendships with co-workers which develop after marriage? If one spouse is going to have opposite sex friends how much text messaging is acceptable per day? Per week? Is there a time of day when the text messaging should stop or is inappropriate? What would your reaction to the follow situation be? Is this acceptable behavior? Is one of us being jealous and insecure about an innocent friendship? Or is one of us not behaving appropriately?– Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends 15 – 20 text messages a day after work. Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends messages at random times, including midnight and 5:30 am. Spouse has planned a parent/child day. Decides to meet co-work (opposite sex friend) and their children at the park toward the end of the day. Co-worker later sends a text saying they are sorry they acted strange but their 8 year old was suspicious on why they were together. (history is supposedly that friends spouse is jealous and involves the children) Spouse A is out of town. Spouse B’s phone bill shows over 100 text messages with co-worker (opposite sex friend) from 7 am – 2:30 am. Friend continued to text several times over the following hours when spouse B stopped replying. Thanks!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Someone my age (50)? Probably such volume would make me uncomfortable. A young person who texts like I breathe? Not so much. Disclosure is what I would count on in an intimate committed relationship. I also would want those friends incorporated into the marital life in the non-text world. I have no problem with opposite sex friends. My wife had/has many, both from prior to and after our M. If anything was a problem for us, it was her girlfriends Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 As a former OW I can tell you there is NO reason to be in such close contact unless there is a PA or an EA. Think about it. Do you even text your closest friends that often? Have you seen the texts? Something is wrong and you know that. Its nice and even important to have friends and allies at work. But there is NO reason to text like that if you are just colleagues/friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Both me and my wife are freinds with another couple. I work with his wife. I am very good freinds with his wife. The only time I text her is to confirm plans when we are all getting together for dinner. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Opposite sex friends and text messaging My spouse and I are not seeing eye to eye on a few topics and would like everyone’s honest thoughts on the topics. Is it acceptable for married individuals to have opposite sex friends? Does it make a difference if the friendship has been around prior to the marriage? (for example, close friendships from high school) What about friendships with co-workers which develop after marriage? If one spouse is going to have opposite sex friends how much text messaging is acceptable per day? Per week? Is there a time of day when the text messaging should stop or is inappropriate? What would your reaction to the follow situation be? Is this acceptable behavior? Is one of us being jealous and insecure about an innocent friendship? Or is one of us not behaving appropriately?– Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends 15 – 20 text messages a day after work. Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends messages at random times, including midnight and 5:30 am. Spouse has planned a parent/child day. Decides to meet co-work (opposite sex friend) and their children at the park toward the end of the day. Co-worker later sends a text saying they are sorry they acted strange but their 8 year old was suspicious on why they were together. (history is supposedly that friends spouse is jealous and involves the children) Spouse A is out of town. Spouse B’s phone bill shows over 100 text messages with co-worker (opposite sex friend) from 7 am – 2:30 am. Friend continued to text several times over the following hours when spouse B stopped replying. Thanks!!!! Why did you hide the genders of everyone involved? Yes it's ok to have opposite sex friends. However due to the potential for suspicion and jealousy, IMO it's best to follow a rule of total disclosure. Also use common sense - 20 texts a day seems too much and is suspicious enough to investigate. And 530 is a slightly weird time to text someone you are not involved with. So if one person is sending 20 texts a day, and another is texting at midnight or 530am, then just ask your SO to let you read all the texts. If it's just friends, there'll be nothing suspicious about them and your spouse will be happy to show you. If it's more than friends, then your spouse will be uncomfortable and make up some excuse for why you shouldn't see the messages. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Anything over a couple times a day is very suspicious. Texting at 2:30am and other odd hours, somethings amiss. Meeting the "friend" at places without one or both of the other spouses there, or without the spouses knowledge or agreement, unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Constantine Posted April 5, 2009 Share Posted April 5, 2009 Opposite sex friends is no biggy in my opinion, and neither is texting. It all comes down to how the text's are treated. Does your partner hide the fact they get text's? Is he/she ok with you reading the text's? I would say the context of the texting is more important then the number of texts. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends 15 – 20 text messages a day after work. Co-worker (opposite sex friend) sends messages at random times, including midnight and 5:30 am. Spouse A is out of town. Spouse B’s phone bill shows over 100 text messages with co-worker (opposite sex friend) from 7 am – 2:30 am. Friend continued to text several times over the following hours when spouse B stopped replying. If texting is just a form of conversation, then what you're asking is if it would be appropriate to talk to an opposite sex friend 20 to 100 times a day. The answer is plainly "no", it's obviously not a relationship and attachment that a healthily married person should have. Any attempt to justify it by the participating party would simply make me more suspicious... Mr. Lucky BTW - I wouldn't put up with my spouse having that kind of constant contact with any friend, regardless of gender. How could they possibly focus on their time with you? Link to post Share on other sites
sky1200 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Anything more than 2 text message per day AND happening more than 2 days in a row is very suspicious. Based on what you wrote, it's an affair and hire a private investigator to check out the frequency of motel visits. Link to post Share on other sites
EllieBean Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 Opposite sex friends is fine, as long as they're not suspiciously close. Texting is fine too, as long as it isn't suspiciously frequent. 20 texts in an evening is too much, something is definitely going on there. You also do not text someone in the middle of the night unless it's an emergency, especially if you know they have a partner whose sleep might be disturbed. Continuing to text when the other person isn't replying sounds like there's some sort of emotional involvement - you have to really care in order to keep texting when there's no reply, a friend would just send a text and then forget about it. The thing about meeting the coworker in the park sounds suspicious too. If I were you I'd discreetly check out your spouse's messages, I think you have sufficient grounds for suspicion. From what you said, it sounds like the person in question might be having an affair. Asking will do no good, you need to catch them in the act. Link to post Share on other sites
jazzgirl08 Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 I'm dealing with this very issue right now. My LT BF of three years and his co-worker text a lot. I brought it up to him and told him I didn't like the constant texting. I thought it was rude and taking time away from us in the evenings. I know the co-worker and I consider her a friend, but not a close one. The texting was 20-25 times in the evenings and sometimes up to 50 times on a weekend. It has died down considerably, and I'm glad. You just have to say you are uncomfortable with it. Stand your ground. Show him the phone bill (I did that with my BF) and have him see how much he's really texting. If that doesn't help, you may have to snoop. If this person isn't a friend of your marriage, they aren't a friend at all. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted April 6, 2009 Share Posted April 6, 2009 OMG....This issue is apparently bigger than I thought it was. My husband who is 48 THOUGHT it was perfectly acceptable to text other women / girls - He frequent<ed> bars & also claims that's how bartenders get "Customers" to come on slow days - "Group" Text. Over a weeks time he received 3 text messages after 6:00 pm from a particular "Bartender" asking if he was coming to see her. I have said it WILL stop.....& it has. (as far as I can tell for now) <Side note: we were separated for a year - & this became his common way to communicate with his "younger" friends - NOW....since we are getting back together I have a huge issue with this. > I don't think it's acceptable at all to text back & forth with someone other than your spouse. I know first hand how that gets out of control over a period of time & can escelate to something else besides just texting. Flirting happens.....ETC.. I know you all know where I"m going with this. It's wrong........Period! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scare1979 Posted April 6, 2009 Author Share Posted April 6, 2009 Thank you all for your thoughts. Someone asked why the sexes were left out. We wanted to leave it open to avoid any automatic replies based off the sex of the individuals involved. The offending party admits (after looking at the phone bill) there were excessive amounts of text messages being sent. Hopefully this will not be an issue in the future. Perhaps we have both learned how to handle to situation better. Link to post Share on other sites
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